WELL----Not Exactly

Folks have been bemoaning the fact that Obama's early days, and his "experience record" has not been made public. Here are some comments, and references that may help with your political decisions....

Obama's Not Exactly's:

1.) Selma March Got Me Born - NOT EXACTLY, your parents felt safe enough to have you in 1961 - Selma had no effect on your birth, as Selma was in 1965. (Google'Obama Selma ' for his full March 4, 2007 speech and articles about its various untruths.)

2.) Father Was A Goat Herder - NOT EXACTLY, he was a privileged, well educated youth, who went on to work with the Kenyan Government.

3.) Father Was A Proud Freedom Fighter - NOT EXACTLY, he was part of one of the most corrupt and violent governments Kenya has ever had.

4.) My Family Has Strong Ties To African Freedom - NOT EXACTLY, your cousin Raila Odinga has created mass violence in attempting to overturn a legitimate election in 2007, in Kenya . It is the first widespread violence in decades. The current government is pro-American but Odinga wants to overthrow it and establish Muslim Sharia law. Your half-brother, Abongo Oba ma, is Odinga's follower. You interrupted your New Hampshire campaigning to speak to Odinga on the phone. Check out the following link for verification of that....and for more.
Obama's cousin Odinga in Kenya ran for president and tried to get Sharia muslim law in place there. When Odinga lost the elections, his followers have burned Christians' homes and then burned men, women and children alive in a Christian church where they took shelter.. Obama SUPPORTED his cousin before the election process here started. Google Obama and Odinga and see what you get. No one wants to know the truth.

5.) My Grandmother Has Always Been A Christian - NOT EXACTLY, she does her daily Salat prayers at 5am according to her own interviews. Not to mention, Christianity wouldn't allow her to have been one of 14 wives to 1 man.

6.) My Name is African Swahili - NOT EXACTLY, your name is Arabic and 'Baraka' (from which Barack came) means 'blessed' in that language. Hussein is also Arabic and so is Obama.
Barack Hussein Obama is not half black. If elected, he would be the first Arab-American President, not the first black President. Barack Hussein Obama is 50% Caucasian from his mother's side and 43.75% Arabic and 6.25% African Negro from his father's side. While Barack Hussein Obama's father was from Kenya , his father's family was mainly Arabs.. Barack Hussein Obama's father was only 12.5% African Negro and 87.5% Arab (his father's birth certificate even states he's Arab, not African Negro). From....and for more....go to.....
http://www.arcadeathome.com/newsboy.phtml?Barack_Hussein_Obama_-_Arab-American,_only_6.25%25_African

7.) I Never Practiced Islam - NOT EXACTLY, you practiced it daily at school, where you were registered as a Muslim and kept that faith for 31 years, until your wife made you change, so you could run for office.
4-3-08 Article 'Obama was 'quite religious in islam'' http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=60559

8.) My School In Indonesia Was Christian - NOT EXACTLY, you were registered as Muslim there and got in trouble in Koranic Studies for making faces (check your own book).
February 28, 2008. Kristoff from the New York Times a year ago: Mr. Obama recalled the opening lines of the Arabic call to prayer, reciting them with a first-rate accent. In a remark that seemed delightfully uncalculated (it'll give Alabama voters heart attacks), Mr. Obama described the call to prayer as 'one of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset.' This is just one example of what Pamela is talking about when she says 'Obama's narrative is being altered, enhanced and manipulated to whitewash troubling facts.'

9.) I Was Fluent In Indonesian - NOT EXACTLY, not one teacher says you could speak the language.

10.) Because I Lived In Indonesia , I Have More Foreign Experience - NOT EXACTLY, you were there from the ages of 6 to 10, and couldn't even speak the language. What did you learn, how to study the Koran and watch cartoons.

11.) I Am Stronger On Foreign Affairs - NOT EXACTLY, except for Africa (surprise) and the Middle East (bigger surprise), you have never been anywhere else on the planet and thus have NO experience with our closest allies.

12.) I Blame My Early Drug Use On Ethnic Confusion - NOT EXACTLY, you were quite content in high school to be Barry Obama, no mention of Kenya and no mention of struggle to identify - your classmates said you were just fine.

13.)An Ebony Article Moved Me To Run For Office - NOT EXACTLY, Ebony has yet to find the article you mention in your book. It doesn't, and never did, exist.

14.) A Life Magazine Article Changed My Outlook On Life - NOT EXACTLY, Life has yet to find the article you mention in your book. It doesn't, and never did, exist.

15.) I Won't Run On A National Ticket In '08 - NOT EXACTLY, here you are, despite saying, live on TV, that you would not have enough experience by then, and you are all about having experience first.

16.) Voting 'Present' is Common In Illinois Senate - NOT EXACTLY, they are common for YOU, but not many others have 130 NO VOTES.
17.) Oops, I Misvoted - NOT EXACTLY, only when caught by church groups and Democrats, did you beg to change your misvote.

18.) I Was A Professor Of Law - NOT EXACTLY, you were a senior lecturer ON LEAVE.

19.) I Was A Constitutional Lawyer - NOT EXACTLY, you were a senior lecturer ON LEAVE.

20.) Without Me, There Would Be No Ethics Bill - NOT EXACTLY, you didn't write it, introduce it, change it, or create it.

21.) The Ethics Bill Was Hard To Pass - NOT EXACTLY, it took just 14 days from start to finish.

22.) I Wrote A Tough Nuclear Bill - NOT EXACTLY, your bill was rejected by your own party for its pandering and lack of all regulation - mainly because of your Nuclear donor, Exelon, from which David Axelrod came.

23.) I Have Released My State Records - NOT EXACTLY, as of March, 2008, state bills you sponsored or voted for have yet to be released, exposing all the special interests pork hidden within.

24.) I Took On The Asbestos Altgeld Gardens Mess - NOT EXACTLY, you were part of a large group of people who remedied Altgeld Gardens . You failed to mention anyone else but yourself, in your books.

25.) My Economics Bill Will Help America - NOT EXACTLY, your 111 economic policies were just combined into a proposal which lost 99-0, and even YOU voted against your own bill.
26.) I Have Been A Bold Leader In Illinois - NOT EXACTLY, even your own supporters claim to have not seen BOLD action on your part.

27.) I Passed 26 Of My Own Bills In One Year - NOT EXACTLY, they were not YOUR bills, but rather handed to you, after their creation by a fellow Senator, to assist you in a future bid for higher office.

28.) No One on my campaign contacted Canada about NAFTA - NOT EXACTLY, the Candian Government issued the names and a memo of the conversation your campaign had with them.

29.) I Am Tough On Terrorism - NOT EXACTLY, you missed the Iran Resolution vote on terrorism and your good friend Ali Abunimah supports the destruction off Israel .

30.) I Want All Votes To Count - NOT EXACTLY, you said let the delegates decide.

31.) I Want Americans To Decide - NOT EXACTLY, you prefer caucuses that limit the vote, confuse the voters, force a public vote, and only operate during small windows of time.

32.) I passed 900 Bills in the State Senate - NOT EXACTLY, you passed 26, most of which you didn't write yourself.

33.) I Believe In Fairness, Not Tactics - NOT EXACTLY, you used tactics to eliminate Alice Palmer from running against you.

34.) I Don't Take PAC Money - NOT EXACTLY, you take loads of it.
35.) I don't Have Lobbysists - NOT EXACTLY, you have over 47 lobbyists, and counting.

36.) My Campaign Had Nothing To Do With The 1984 Ad - NOT EXACTLY, your own campaign worker made the ad on his Apple in one afternoon.

37.) I Have Always Been Against Iraq - NOT EXACTLY, you weren't in office to vote against it AND you have voted to fund it every single time.

38.) I Have Always Supported Universal Health Care - NOT EXACTLY, your plan leaves us all to pay for the 15,000,000 who don't have to buy it.

39.) My uncle liberated Auschwitz concentration camp - NOT EXACTLY, your mother had no brothers and the Russan army did the liberating

For Once I Agree With PETA

So this week in the sunny city of Pamplona Spain, the running of the bulls took place–and I slept through it. That's because this so-called thrill seeking festival bores the crap out of me.

The event attracts thousands of extremely stupid men who dare to taunt six half-ton fighting bulls into goring them. What makes this boring is that there is only six half-ton fighting bulls. When they're should be six hundred.

That's the problem with this event. The bulls are outnumbered, and very few of the runners actually get injured or die. Fourteen runners have died in the event since they started keeping records in 1924. I'm sure you agree with me, when I say, that's not nearly enough. This is not thrill-seeking. You're more at risk getting trampled at an opening for an Ikea store.

Still, on the third day, one bull gored a man named Marcus Wolf, a 22 year-old knob from Bakersfield, California. He went up in the air with one hole in his ass, and came down with two – a five inch gash that required a trip to the hospital. There, Marcus underwent surgery. That's right – after purposely putting himself in harms way, surgeons happily repaired his self-inflicted injury.

Would you? Maybe I'm a party-pooper, but I despise thrill seekers, adventurers and extreme athletes – simply because they waste the time of those who must rescue and repair their splayed and broken bodies. There are plenty of sick people who are sick through no fault of their own, and never get proper treatment. It seems wrong that we offer treatment to people who are simply asking for it.

So, of the 18 runners injured in the first two days of the festival, six are still hospitalized – wasting time and money. Meanwhile, at the end of the festival, the six bulls are butchered. Sounds like they got the whole thing backwards.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

The Politics of Change

In just the past week Barack Obama has changed his mind on several key issues. We just thought you might want to keep score.

• He was against granting immunity to telecom companies that aided our government in eavesdropping on telephone messages to and from known terrorist operatives overseas. Now he is for granting this immunity to the evil telecom corporations.
• Some time ago Obama said that he wholeheartedly supported the ban on the private ownership of guns in Washington DC. Then, after the Supreme Court came down with their ruling last week, suddenly Obama is a supporter of the people's right to keep and bear arms.
• Earlier this year Obama said that he was going to accept public financing of his presidential campaign after the convention. Now that he has seen he could get more money from private contributions than he would from public financing, he changed his mind.
• NAFTA? Barack was going to immediately renegotiate all of the evil NAFTA treaty. Now ... well, let's just say "not so much."

"Change we can believe in" turns out to be "I believe I'm going to change my mind."

Liberal Priorities

As the Democrats prepare for their National Convention in Denver, what do you think concerns them most? Party unity after a fractious primary season? Articulating Obama`s plan for fighting terror? Or, maybe dealing with the oil crisis without relying on windmills? No. No and no. Their big worries are fried foods, organic cotton and biodegradable utensils. In that order.

That`s right – instead of coming up with a blueprint for all this change we keep hearing about, they`re worried about whether the 15,000 fanny packs belonging to convention volunteers are made of organic cotton.

And herein likes the joys of being politically correct. Instead of focusing on improving the country, you become obsessed with improving your image. I mean – forget Iran. What about those goat-cheese won tons served to the delegates? Are they organic? Union made? Grown locally? And that caramel sauce better not have been trucked in from Canada. Think of the emissions! And I certainly hope that duck sauce came from a free range duck.

In the desire to create the greenest political convention ever, the Democrats expose the party`s two main weaknesses – no sense of proportion, and no order of priorities. The fact is, the number one concern in America is not tofu – it`s terror. It`s not compost, it`s caliphates. It`s not sauce, it`s security. For the Democrats, this green obsession is the new patriotism – because – unlike old patriotism you don`t need to love your country – you just need to hate anyone who lacks a Prius. It`s easy and it feels good – like a sensual massage. But without the happy ending.

And if you disagree with me, may your first born have a tail.

SATIRE ALERT

McCain to old to Lead??????

Sen. Kerry probably got himself crossed-off of John McCain's VP short list for calling him "confused" - 37 years after he called him a war criminal who burned cattle and raped villages in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan. But if McSame's assertion that reducing troop casualties in Iraq is more important than a timetable for retreat is any indication of his mental state, he's more senile than Ronald Raygun ever was.

One wonders whether McSame is simply too much of a geezer to be the leader of the free world. Let's face it - the Presidency is no job for old men. A good commander-in-chief must possess the strength and stamina to wake up every morning and do 300 sit ups, jog about 15 miles, stop and do another 700 sit-ups, bench press 500 pounds, jog another 20 miles uphill and backwards, followed by 1600 squat thrusts and 2000 push-ups with a shetland pony strapped to his back, swim 20 laps in the White House pool without surfacing, tow a tractor trailer 30 yards with his teeth, drop and do another 7000 push-ups, and then, with the stroke of a pen, raise taxes and flee Iraq.

Obama may smoke like a chimney, but I know that aside from all that physical exertion he's totally up to the job. McCain, on the other hand, can't even move his arms above shoulder level. That's because while Obama was growing up on the mean streets of Honolulu, McCain was lounging around a hotel in Hanoi.

Dems/Liberals--can't handle the truth!

That wet spot you see forming under the chair of Will Bunch, Michael D., and even the normally reasonable Joe Gandleman is a sure sign that the brand of diapers these people are using just ain’t cuttin’ it. Might I suggest “Huggies Super Absorbent” for those times – like now – when you need that extra protection against leaks and overflow?

What has many on the left squirming in their toddler seats due to the uncomfortable dampness in their tush was a speech made by our President to the Israeli Knesset celebrating the State of Israel’s 60th birthday.

Now it is probably a good thing that no one asked our President to blow out the candles on the cake since his wind is probably not what it was a few years ago – having expended all that hot air in the meantime telling us what a success his excellent adventure in Iraq had become. But no matter. Bush delivered a speech to a people under daily threat of terrorism that was designed to reassure them that America would not sell Israel down the river in the interests of making peace with other, less friendly regimes in the region.

This is pro-forma stuff when it comes to an American president speaking in Israel, hardly headline grabbing fodder for the wires. Except Bush added a little something extra – a necessary warning given we have a putative candidate for president whose ideas about diplomacy include sitting down with Syria and Iran “without preconditions” and talk about peace in the Middle East.

It does no good to try and deny Obama said this and meant it. It was not taken out context, twisted, distorted, or otherwise folded, spindled, or mutilated in any way. If the candidate wants to change his position that’s fine. He can say he made a mistake, that he realizes now he should probably have thought that answer to the debate question through a little more.

But no. Obama insists he never said what he obviously said – in other words, either a man divorced from reality or a bald faced liar. And of course, his worshipful sycophants on the left have bought into this ludicrousness. Hillary has been using this very same idea of Obama wanting to talk to Assad and Ahmadinejad without preconditions as a hammer to demonstrate her opponents lack of foreign policy (one could add it also demonstrates a lack of sanity but that might be for a shrink to decide).

At any rate, Bush had this to say about Obama’s scathingly brilliant idea:

“Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along,” said Bush, in what White House aides privately acknowledged was a reference to calls by Obama and other Democrats for the U.S. president to sit down for talks with leaders like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

“We have heard this foolish delusion before,” Bush said in remarks to the Israeli Knesset. “As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American Senator declared: ‘Lord, if only I could have talked to Hitler, all of this might have been avoided.’ We have an obligation to call this what it is — the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history.”

Many on the left went into apoplectic fits, bringing out the most laughable, over the top, insanely over dramatized rhetoric we’ve seen from them in – oh, about 48 hours.

Will Bunch:

But what Bush did in Israel this morning goes well beyond the accepted confines of American political debate, When the president speaks to a foreign parliament on behalf of our country, his message needs to be clear and unambiguous. Our democracy may look messy to outsiders, and we may have our disagreements with some sharp elbows thrown around, but at the end of the day we are not Republicans or Democrats or liberals or conservatives.

We are Americans.

And you, Mr. Bush, are the leader of us all. To use a diplomatic setting on foreign soil to score a cheap political point at home is way beneath your office, way beneath your country, and way beneath the people you serve. You have been handed an office once uplifted to great heights by fellow countrymen from Washington to Lincoln to Roosevelt to Eisenhower, and have plunged it so deeply into the Karl-Rove-and-Rush-Limbaugh-fueled world of political destruction and survival of all costs that have lost all perspective—and all sense of decency. To travel to Israel and to associate a sitting American senator and your possible successor in the Oval Office with those who at one time gave comfort to an enemy of the United States is, in and of itself, an act of political treason.

First of all, there was nothing cheap about that political point. That, sir, is a 100 carat, gold plated, diamond encrusted, million dollar zinger of political shot.

Secondly, I note that many on the left really hate it when you bring up appeasement. They curse Chamberlain for turning it into a dirty word. After all, Sir Neville had the right idea, just the wrong execution. Now if we were to negotiate with Hitler today, we wouldn’t make the same mistakes Chamberlain did, say the lefties. We would have gotten an arms control deal first and tied it in with concessions on the Sudetenland. And, of course, recognizing the Nazi sphere of influence in that part of Europe with all those little countries and their unpronounceable names would have been a price for making peace. But anything is better than a World War, right?

Obama was not long in responding with a carefully measured, balanced statement…Just kidding! He whined like a 5 year old who is told he must go to bed early:

It is sad that President Bush would use a speech to the Knesset on the 60th anniversary of Israel’s independence to launch a false political attack. It is time to turn the page on eight years of policies that have strengthened Iran and failed to secure America or our ally Israel. Instead of tough talk and no action, we need to do what Kennedy, Nixon and Reagan did and use all elements of American power – including tough, principled, and direct diplomacy – to pressure countries like Iran and Syria. George Bush knows that I have never supported engagement with terrorists, and the President’s extraordinary politicization of foreign policy and the politics of fear do nothing to secure the American people or our stalwart ally Israel.

“Extraordinary politicization of foreign policy?” Holy Christ! Only a dimwit doesn’t think what the Democrats have been doing for 5 years in Iraq and this entire campaign season isn’t using foreign policy as a political club to beat this president and the GOP over the head. Is he really that stupid. Are his followers really that naive? Of course not! They know full well that they’ve been politicizing foreign poicy – which makes Obama’s and Free Willy’s whining all the more hypocritical.

And I wonder if Willy Boy’s outrage extends to calling to account ex-presidents or ex-vice presidents who regularly go on foreign soil and all but call the president of the United States a traitor. Where the f**k are you people when those two characters pop up in Switzerland, or Saudi Arabia, or Great Britain and make the most personal, hurtful, politically motivated attacks on Bush?

Spare me your fake outrage. When you come around to criticizing Carter and Gore for the swipes in foreign countries they’ve taken at Bush then you may have earned yourself a measure of standing to hurl your infantile charges at Bush.

This is the mindset Obama would have going into talks with Assad and Ahmadinejad. Assad will make peace with Israel if we let him back into Lebanon – bottom line. Delusions to the contrary are not allowed. Would sacrificing Lebanon on the altar of the Obama Doctrine be acceptable?

The trouble is, the Israelis don’t think so. They might be wondering if the American president might sell them out for a deal on Iranian nukes or something else – perhaps peace in Iraq. Given the extraordinary pro-Palestinian bias of many of his advisors, why would this be so shocking?

The Israelis aren’t stupid. You don’t live to be 60 and face what they’ve had to face from the minute of their birth without a keen sense of who their friends are. And when the Israelis see their mortal enemy Hamas embracing Obama’s candidacy, they might be wondering who this fellow is and just what does he have in store for Israel if he gets elected.

Bush was chastising Obama as an appeaser before an audience that understood better than anyone else on the planet what appeasement can lead to. It is now up to Obama to prove that he understands the threats facing us and our allies. It is time for him to abandon his idea to meet with Assad and Ahmadinejad without preconditions by making it clear that he misspoke during the debate and that upon reflection, he realizes he erred and that he now supports a much more cautious approach.

He won’t do it, of course. Why should he when he has the New York Times running interference for him, telling the world that what he said, he didn’t actually say? Instead, we will get more whining from the candidate of “change.”

Bush zinged Obama by pointing out the obvious shortcomings of his proposed policy. It might not be appeasement – at least the left wouldn’t use that word. It would be “constructive engagement” or some other mealy mouthed words dreamed up by our striped suit, topped hat nitwits at Foggy Bottom. The number one issue is would Obama sell out Israeli security for a deal elsewhere – either with Syria and Iran. We don’t know the answer. The Israelis don’t know the answer. And Obama himself probably doesn’t either.

If these lefties would stop their fake whining jag long enough to look at it from the perspective of the Israelis, some of us might start believing the grownups had returned to the Democratic party’s foriegn policy team.

So far, no such luck.

Barry Obama the "Ultimate Empty Suit"

Here's why Barack Obama can't be president. He's more frightened of America than he is of its enemies. Right now, his boxers are in bunch over President Bush's comments made while speaking to the Knesset on the 60th anniversary of Israel's statehood. Bush said "Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists...as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along...We have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: 'Lord, if only I could have talked to Hitler, all of this might have been avoided.'

Good stuff. But not for Obama - who replied, "It is sad that President Bush would use a speech on the 6Oth anniversary of Israel's independence to launch a false political attack."

So let me get this straight: Obama thinks it's wrong for Bush to say, on Israel's birthday, that we shouldn't appease enemies of Israel. Okay. Then, would it have been better for you, Obama, if Bush had echoed your words - that we should lunch with an Iranian madman who vows to wipe Israel off the map? That's one hell of a birthday gift.

But this leads to a bigger point: that Obama must come up with a real plan to fight terror, beyond scheduling tea time with maniacs. Problem is, the Dems have spent the last eight years blaming America - and Bush, in particular - for everything. But Bush isn't going to be president anymore. So, isn't it time for you, the leading presidential candidate, to outline your solution for facing the biggest challenge in our lifetimes? You call Bush's policies "politics of fear" - but we didn't fly planes into buildings. They did. Terrorism is a politics of fear - destroying terrorists is not. So Obama, until you lose this relativistic BS, the White House cat has more balls than you.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

Another round that will settle nothing

So today we've got two Democratic primaries - Indiana and North Carolina. My prediction: Sanjaya by single digits. But this really isn't a battle between two candidates, but a war over two souls: One that belongs to the Democratic party, and the other, to Bill Clinton.

First, the election will come down to a war between the moonbats (the netroot nutcakes and body-odored bloggers afflicted with matted hair and cystic acne) and mainstream Democrats. While it's true Hilary and Obama are both chronic lefties - both candidates still must move right - because that's the only way you can win an election in America. It's kinda funny and sad that, for a liberal to win, he or she has to run like a conservative. What does that tell you about your party if it can only win when it's pretending to be something else? That it can only win when it's pretending to be something else.

And then there's our man Bill. If Hillary wins, he's in the White House - giving us a minimum of four years of frustrated hilarity. He won't be able to pick up waitresses or co-eds, and that can't be good for his sanity or his right hand. But if Hillary loses, he will simply replace the White House with the Cathouse. And that's what I call a win-win. So what if Bill loses the limelight? That isn't so bad, since he does most of his best work in the dark.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Damage Control

Looks like Obama's getting just a bit fed up with his "former" pastor. He had a little press conference yesterday. We now learn that Obama is "outraged" at Jeremiah Wright's latest comments. Gee, ya think? Obama says that this isn't the same man that he met 20 years ago and that Wright's comments do not accurately portray Obama's perspective of the black church.

And why oh why in the wide, wide world of black liberation theology did it take until now for Barack Obama to become outraged? You know, some of us would have been a bit more than outrage the first time we heard out pastor ask God to damn America ... and don't give me that nonsense about Obama not knowing what was going on at the pulpit of his 20-year church. His response? "I gave [Reverend Wright] the benefit of the doubt in my speech in Philadelphia explaining that he's done enormous good. ... But when he states and then amplifies such ridiculous propositions as the U.S. government somehow being involved in AIDS. ... There are no excuses. They offended me. They rightly offend all Americans and they should be denounced.

Just how do you give someone the "benefit of the doubt" over comments like that? If I remember Mississippi Senator Trent Lott didn't get much benefit of the doubt when he made those innocuous comments about Strom Thurmond's presidential candidacy. George W. Bush didn't get much benefit of the doubt with that Mission Accomplished statement that he (didn't) hang on that aircraft carrier. Fuzzy Zeller didn't even get much of a benefit of the doubt when he made that crack about the Champion's Dinner at the Masters golf tournament. Fuzzy was talking about fried chicken and greens .. and Wright was talking about America bringing 9/11 on itself! Benefit of the doubt? Give me a break!

So Obama sits back and sees that this just isn't going away any time soon. Day after day Obama gets knocked off his vapid "Change We Can Believe In" message by Jeremiah Wright enjoying his 15 minutes ... and now it becomes time to act. Now we wait for some race warlords out there to complain that the white man forcing Obama to denounce his own church and black community.

Here's the video for those of you who missed the press conference.

Stuck with an empty suit--

This one is rather fun to watch. In case you haven't noticed, the Democrat Party is slowly figuring out that things aren't looking all that well for the November election ... at least as far as the White House is concerned. Their messiah has turned out to be somewhat of a false prophet. Don't you just hate it when things turn out that way?

Oh how the Democrats swooned over the "Change We Can Believe in" signs. All of these people fainting at Obama rallies were certainly heralding wonderful times to come. Somehow they failed to notice that in din of those huge Obama crowds nothing meaningful was being said by the candidate. Nobody bothered to check the resume closely. Accomplishments? None, really. About the best thing ObamaManiacs could point to was that he managed to get elected to the Senate. Wow! What a big deal that was! He ran against a Democrat in the primary who self-destructed in a sex and domestic scandal. Then his chief Republican rival pulled the same stunt. The Republicans had to go out of state to find Alan Keys to put up a fight against Obama, and there was never a chance.

Now the layers start to get peeled back. That glossy onion doesn't look so good underneath. We find Obama spending 20 years in the pews of a church where the America-hating pastor preaches the Marxist gospel of Black Liberation Theology. We find his friendship with "just some guy who lives in my neighborhood." "Some guy" who is an unrepentant bomb-thrower from the Vietnam War days. "Some Guy" who says he has no regrets, and in fact wishes he could have done more. We learn that what Barack says before an gathering of San Francisco liberals is not what he says to the masses at his campaign appearances. In other words ... the going has become rough.

And what do the Obama campaign and the Democrats do when the going gets rough for their candidate? Well ... they can't really return him to the candidate store. Not going to work. Democrats absolutely depend on the black vote to carry these elections, and they know that if they admit a mistake and run back into Hillary's arms enough of these black voters will stay home on election day to make the presidency a lost cause. Nope -- Hillary isn't the answer. They're now going to have to stick with Obama. So ... a strategy is needed! Something needs to be done to shield Obama from the rightful consequences of his past and present associations and his uber-liberal approach to big government.

The solution? Oh come on, you're telling me you don't really know? The solution --- the shield --- is Obama's color!

So stand by friends. This election is going to be about race and racism. The left and their fellow travelers in the media are going to use the tried and true weapon of playing the race card to shield their candidate. John McCain speaks in Mississippi? Racism. Civil rights workers were killed in Mississippi, you know. You don't like Jeremiah Wrights exhortations for God to damn America? You're racist. You just don't like the black church. In fact ... it has gone further than that already. Listen -- and you don't have to listen carefully -- and you're going to hear more and more people saying that if you don't support Barack the one and only reason would be that you just don't like black people. Let's work on that white guilt! If they can't talk you into voting for Barack on the issues, (in other words, if you aren't an anti-capitalist Marxist), then we'll get you to vote for him out of a sense of guilt. This is what you owe for 400 years of slavery.

Yesterday the theme on so many newscasts was "Are Americans ready to vote for a black candidate for President." Fair question. I just wonder why we've never heard these same people ask "Are Detroit's voters ready to put a black man in the mayor's office." Oh, wait a minute. That would be a racist question, wouldn't it?

See how this is going to work?

From now on the Democrats will cloak Barack Obama in a mantle of black immunity. Any criticism of him or his policies, his friends, his philosophy ... racist. For many voters this is going to backfire. People who otherwise might be favorably disposed toward voting for Obama are going to wonder what four years would be like with race warlords screaming racism every time Republicans in the congress opposed the next great idea for expanding government and curtailing freedoms.

I wonder how John McCain is going to like running the show for four years?

SATIRE ALERT

Future President and proud coal miner's daughter, Hillary Clinton, proved the pundits wrong Tuesday and won her home state of Pennsylvania by a record landslide. Now it's off to a certain victory in her home state of North Carolina, where Senator Clinton spent a good part of her youth working on her family's tobacco farm.

Yes, Hillary and tobacky go waaaay backy. She planted it, grew it, picked it, rolled it, smoked it, chewed it, taxed it and sued it all while under heavy sniper fire. An avid smoker, Hillary will be campaigning heavily across the Tar Heel State for the next two weeks while puffing on filterless Camels from inside her iron lung. She is virtually guaranteed a win both there and in her home state of Indiana, where Hoosier Hillary grew up racing Formula One cars under heavy sniper fire.

It's all over for Obama. With his 10 point loss on Tuesday, it's obvious that he's peaked and his pointless campaign is finally on the decline. His snotty remarks about Pennsylvanian rednecks stubbornly clinging to their guns and their Bibles, while 100% true, proved to working class voters that he isn't the unifying icon of the common man he claims to be, but rather an elitist snob. And while democrats adore an elitist snob, the one thing we simply won't tolerate is a phony.

Go Hillary!!!

Oil @ $117.00 a barrel

And our "friends" the Saudis are balking at increasing production. So while they continue to screw with us on oil ... let's be sure to respond here in this country by:

1. Refusing to drill in ANWR for more oil in the very portion of ANWR that was set aside for the purpose of drilling for more oil.
2. Refuse to tap the known reserves of oil and natural gas off the West coast of Florida because, after all, we certainly don't want tourists in Florida to catch sight of a drilling rig 25 miles off shore now do we?
3. Refuse to develop ways to use the oil shale from the Western United States.
4. Refuse to develop coal gasification techniques.
5. Refuse to build any more refineries in the United States.
6. Listen to the anti-nuke moonbats and continue to delay building some nuclear power plants.

And while we're doing all of these things let's make sure to keep the subsidies for ethanol at a ridiculous high so that we can take more land out of food production to grow more corn to be turned into an alternative fuel. We burn more than a gallon of fossil fuels to produce a gallon of ethanol .. so this sounds like a good bet to me!

Oh ... and let's continue to call the Saudis our friends and kiss their sandy butts at every possible opportunity.

Dream Team

So maybe he's not so perfect, after all.

I'm referring to Senator Barack Obama, who in reference to people living in small towns - said, quote, "they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment...as a way to explain away their frustrations."

He has since said he is sorry, confessing that he "didn't say it as well as I should have." Meaning, he spoke his mind, which he regrets. And I congratulate him - for he said what every one on the left has always believed - that if you don't live on the coasts, you're a bible-toting, gun-wielding nutcase who speaks in tongues on Sunday and tongues his daughter on Monday. Worse, you probably don't own the West Wing on DVD! Inbred.

See, Obama simply blurted out what the Democratic party always believed. But it screws him more: here Obama accuses people of clinging to religion out of desperation - but then what is Jeremiah Wright, if not a leech that feeds off hopelessness and gloom of those around him?

But Hillary cannot gloat - for she, like Obama, also sees most of America as a flat land full of fools - people incapable of taking care of themselves or making decisions for their families. Both Hillary and Obama think government can do that far better than we ever could. And that's elitism and idiocy at it's best.

So maybe they are ideal running mates.

Dr. Dean

Here's a breaking story: Howard Dean is a gutless wonder. A cream puff in granny pants who needs to be spanked hard and good. He should be passed around in a biker bar, like a pint of Mad Dog, until he can't sit down for months.

I only say this because last Thursday, the Democratic National Committee Chairman said that swing voters in a focus group aired concerns about John McCain's age, and how it affected his health, as well as his views.

This shows the difference between a cowardly leftist and a bad ass conservative. Rather than coming out and saying "Don't vote for the guy, because he's old and frail," Dean shifted that belief onto unnamed voters - so he didn't appear "age-ist," or get nailed for saying what he really thinks. What a weak-kneed, cowardly little nebbish.

I have news for Dean - McCain could kick the living shit out of you. Any day, any time, blindfolded, arms tied behind his back - he could make you yelp like you did after your humiliating third-place defeat in the 2004 Iowa caucuses. Remember that, you toad-faced, sputtering chucklehead?

But more important to remember, Howie, is that unlike you, McCain has the guts to speak his thoughts without simultaneously disowning them. While you knocked McCain's "old-fashioned" views, you claim that the Democratic Party won't invoke McCain's age in the fall. But that's because you're doing it now.

But keep doing it, Howard. Remember how great it worked for Mondale.

Progressive paranoia

So there`s a new study claiming that a third of the population experiences moments of paranoia. The other two-thirds are probably totally behind it.

In the research, they placed a bunch of people on a computer generated subway ride, during which the volunteers could walk around the car, interacting with "virtual" passengers who acted like real people. No one was molested, and most of the real people felt the fake characters to be friendly. But - almost 40 percent felt excessive anxiety or fear by these virtual passengers.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking - because I can read your thoughts. (I have placed tiny transmitters in your fillings for that very reason.) "Why do they come up with this crap - when they could be doing something far more useful, like creating virtual strip clubs where I can go and not worry about getting gonorrhea from a hologram?" My thoughts - and yours - exactly.

Anyway, the findings don`t surprise me. Because I`ve always been paranoid over the fact that there are a lot of paranoid people on this planet. Seriously – we`re basically part of a larger conspiracy, one engineered by paranoid people bent on making us more paranoid than we already are.

Who are these conspirators? Well, they are basically anyone who needs to appear smarter than you. That`s the point of conspiracy – that I know something that you don`t. You see this most often in the broken minds of aging leftists like Gore Vidal and Sean Penn. Is it no wonder that almost all conspiracy nuts are progressives – the same pessimistic, overwrought desire to hate individualism but embrace bureaucracy is the same virus that drives paranoid delusional thinking.

What was I saying? Oh yeah - Whether it`s Walmart or the fillings in your teeth – you`re all too stupid to see what I see - that they`re all part of a bigger conspiracy to control our lives. And wouldn`t you know that – because I am so much smarter than everyone else – I happen to know who is running the whole thing. It`s Estelle Getty, star of the Golden Girls. It`s she must be stopped before our entire world turns into some sordid sick fantasy played out on a ship deck with Bea Arthur in compression hose.

Heston

You know what's great about being a conservative - besides the orgies, the high grade stimulants and the free snuff films? The way people who hated you when you were alive now like you when you're dead. When Reagan died, he was praised by scoundrels who dogged him all his life, and now the same thing is happening to straight-up, bad-ass Charlton Heston.

An obvious example, of course, is the New York Times - which rarely had a kind word to say about either man. But now that they're dead - the Times had nothing but carefully worded praise for their careers.

And then there's Michael Moore. Probably the biggest - and most sanctimonius sack of feces on the planet - he's widely known for stitching up a confused Heston in his anti-gun movie Bowling for Columbine. Moore told Heston he was a lifetime member of the NRA - a sleazy ploy to get the actor to talk to him.

While being filmed, Moore mercilessly chided Heston on his pro-gun stance, while a befuddled and clearly fatigued Heston remains polite until he finally gets up and leaves. But of course, Moore chases him down (not hard since Heston hobbles) to wave photo of a dead child in his face. Moore, beyond sorrowful, leaves the photo on Chuck's patio. The creep thinks he creamed Chuck, but he came out the fool. It was disclosed later that he had Alzheimer's. Heston, not Moore.

I bring up Moore because if you go to his Web site, you'll find a memorial photo of Heston, along with the date of his birth and death. If Moore was any kind of man, hed take that down, instead of pretending to care. But the world is far from perfect. If it was, Chuck would shot him for trespassing back when he had the chance.

KFC

There's nothing worse than seeing an old friend go through an identity crisis. Once self-assured, he proudly walked, or clucked, with his head held high. But then after a taste of failure, he begins to question his very worth. I speak not of a political candidate, or even my favorite masseuse, Tandelayo Schwartz - who has the softest hands and feet in the business. I am referring to Kentucky Fried Chicken - possibly the greatest restaurant ever to put food in a bucket. Okay - they were the only restaurant ever to put food in a bucket, but still - the profound brilliance of their crispy delight could never be denied. You could eat their chicken, and then use the bucket when the diarrhea hits.

But now KFC is changing and, in select cities, the brand will become Kentucky Grilled Chicken. They're introducing grilled meat, an item with less fat and salt than the original fried glop. To be extra safe, wear a helmet while eating it.

There will be new signs to promote this healthier fare, and even the buckets are getting a makeover . But to me, making KFC healthier is like teaching Jenna Jameson how to read. That kind of enhancement is unnecessary.

The goal to entice health conscious consumers to KFC is a spurious one - for there are a million places for the lycra-wearing loons to get a salad. KFC should reject them, and brazenly encourage us toward our next, inevitable coronary. Fried chicken may be bad for you, but that's what makes it good for you.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

SATIRE ALERT

Hillary; Courage Under Sniper Fire

"I remember landing under sniper fire," Mrs. Clinton reminisced about a 1996 trip to war-torn Bosnia. "There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."

What bravery! I haven't been so awestruck by the courage of a Democrat leader since John Kerry spent Christmas in Cambodia.

But less than a New York Minute after Hillary astounded us with her tale of heroism, the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy was already calling her a liar. The Conservative Broadcasting Service (CBS) even aired archival footage of a giddy First Lady springing off her plane in Bosnia to a friendly greeting ceremony and mingling with the crowd.

Sure, Hillary's story may seem like a lie when you contrast it with the truth, but only a partisan hack would go to such trouble. Besides, who among us can honestly say they've never accidentally provided incorrect information in a job interview? We've all done it at one time or another. I erroneously claimed I was that guy in front of the tanks at Tiananmen Square when I was up for my teaching job at Evergreen State College.

Okay, my mistake. Turns out I've never even been to China. Time goes by, memories fade. I'm only human.

Hillary, on the other hand, has at least been to Bosnia. Maybe she got a few of the other details wrong. It was 12 years ago, folks! I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone whether or not I was fired upon by enemy snipers in a foreign land 12 years ago! Can YOU?

We can continue to engage in the Politics of Personal Destruction and tear Hillary apart for having a less than perfect memory, but I swear unto you that America would be losing a great Commander-in-Chief, and a damn fine Marine.

This is no load of crap

I got up this morning and because of a number of issues having to do with my surgery I was really sore and it took some time to roll out of bed and head to the head (that’s the bathroom for those who live the landlubber life) and all I kept saying to myself was “aw-shit”.

Shit is a powerful word.

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it.

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit.

There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit.

Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit.

Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP.

Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Satire Alert - you have surgery and get drugs that makes the seemingly rational look truthful

A Special message form Gerald Ferraro

Hello, I'm Geraldine Ferraro, former Congressperson from New York, former Ambassaperson to the UN, and the winner of a Tony Award for my critically acclaimed portrayal of Mark Twain in the Broadway musical, Cats.

Today I'd like to talk to you about race. The Presidential Race, that is! As you may know, my dear friend Hillary Clinton has been facing some fierce competition from Barack Obama in her run for the White House. Many of you have probably already succumbed to Jungle Fever and joined his bizarre sex cult. But the fact of the matter is that Obama in only where he is today because he is Black. If he were a white man, he'd still be back on the plantation, eating watteymelon and singing Negro spirituals in a deep baritone.

Don't ever let anyone hear you say that, though. In today's hostile political climate, you can't make a disparaging racial remark about somebody without everyone calling you a "racist". That's because it's easier for Obama to inject race into the campaign and launch personal attacks than debate Hillary on the issues. It's how the Good Ol' Boys in the Grand Ol' Party operate. Ol' Walter Mondale can attest to that. There wasn't a day that went buy that Reagan didn't make some snide comment about Wally's homosexuality. Too bad Mondale was white or he'd be President today. And I'll be the first one to admit that if my name was "Gerald" instead of "Geraldine", I never would've been his running mate. Heck, if my name was Skip Stephenson, I wouldn't even be talking to you right now.

Alright. I'm going to be completely honest with you people. I'm not always 100% sure exactly who I am. Sometimes I get a little confused. Just last night, my wonderful wife says to me "Hal, you are NOT Geraldine Ferraro! Stop putting on make-up and issuing statements to the press! And stop pooping in my sock drawer!" Then a cold wave of fear will sweep over me, because I'm pretty sure I saw the ol' battle axe get devoured by that monster under the stairwell. Or was that Adrienne Barbeau? Yes, yes. I'm almost certain it was. What a rack on that gal! I would've married her, too, if she were a white man. I was fortunate enough instead to marry that beautiful actress from Designing Women, Delta Burke.

That would make me Gerald MacRaney, wouldn't it?

Gerald!!!! Then Good God, how the hell did I get to be Vice President?

What you probably don't know but I will say

So in the last week, someone in Obama's camp had to step down for saying something mean about Hillary, and then someone in Hillary's camp had to step down for saying something mean about Obama. And now, we're about to see David Paterson become governor of New York - and I'm willing to bet that no one is a going to say anything bad about him. Why? Because if they do, they will be fired. Mr. Paterson is not only black, but he's legally blind - two things that immediately earn him the "success against all odds" news peg, which I'm sure he deserves. I predict a glowing portrait of him in USA Today, with fourteen accompanying pie charts and a sidebar on how many Americans are affected by legal blindness. Sandy Duncan might weigh in with a thoughtful commentary about how few movies roles are available to women with impaired vision.

But should all of this prevent us from examining DP's intriguing past? Not me. I don't see color, and I don't see blindness. My vision is actually 20-400, so you could say I'm blind to blindness, much in the way Paterson is blind to common sense. I am referring to his wacky effort to push legal changes to hinder police use of firearms. In order to stop an armed criminal, he wanted officers to aim at the thug's arm or leg - in order to wound, instead of kill. If the officer disobeys, he could go to jail for manslaughter.

Now, I know something about guns, and I know a little about criminals. And believe me, when criminals are attacking innocent civilians, their intent is not to wound, but to render their victims helpless - which often involves splattering their innards all over a sidewalk. So in effect, Paterson believes that the guy who's going to blow your head off for your IPOD Nano is more valuable to society than the poor cop trying to protect you.

Thankfully, this legislation hasn't passed yet, but we shouldn't ignore this idiocy simply because the gentleman behind it has an inspirational story to tell. For me anyway, it will fall on deaf ears.

And if you don't agree with me, then you Sir are worse than Hitler with a blind fold on.

The Ben and Jerry Endorsement of B. Hussein Obama

So Ben & Jerry's founders have endorsed Barack Obama for President, and will lend two "Obamamobiles" to drive around and give away "Cherries For Change" ice cream. The hippie millionaires explain that Obama represents real, inspirational change. Just like heart-stopping ice cream.

But as always, whenever you ask anyone what this change REALLY is, you get nothing. Why? Maybe because if we get into specifics - Obama's support will melt like a bowl of Chubby Hubby in the noonday sun.

This stupid endorsement actually illustrates the problem with change. Change means nothing if it's not defined as either good or bad. For example, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream has definitely changed our country... by making us all fatter and more unhealthy. Just by looking at a pint of Phish Food, you'll need a coronary stent and possibly a gastric bypass. I should know. I ate a tub for breakfast, and I went from a size 34 to a 38 waist. But is that good change? My turduckengals would say no. Or just gently weep under my immense weight.

Finally, I wonder if Obama would happily accept a similar endorsement from a gun manufacturer or a tobacco company. Frankly speaking, Ben and Jerry's ice cream is simply the dairy equivalent of an Uzi. Except it takes you years to die, instead of seconds.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Cherry Garcia.

Stop bitching about Exxon and corporations in general

If you're like me, you hate evil corporations. Mainly because they're rich, they have nicer cars, sleep in fluffy beds, and for breakfast they feast on the tender limbs of malnourished children from underdeveloped nations. (Usually folded into egg-white omelets.)

But the reality is - corporations are nothing more than large groups of people. Like fraternities. But they make heaploads of money and without them we'd all be dead. On his blog, Economics professor Mark J. Perry points this out brilliantly - that while we obsess over corporate profits, no one gives them credit for the massive taxes they pay to keep our country afloat.

I had a conversation (a short one) with someone I care deeply about and she mentioned how outrageous the profits of Exxon were. When I asked if she understood how and why the profits of Exxon were so big she just shrugged her shoulders and said they charged too much for gas.

Well---that’s just wrong. Exxon sells gas and they make about 8 cents a gallon in pre-tax profit on every gallon they sell. That’s after you take out the cost of finding the gas, drilling for the gas, brining the gas to the surface, refining the gas , distributing the gas to the stations and all while employing hundreds of thousands of people to do all this they end up with 8 cents pre-tax. So if they sell 100 gallons they make 8 dollars. If they sell 8 trillion gallons they make 64 billion dollars. They didn’t screw anyone, they didn’t gouge anyone, and they just sold more gas. Which begs the question , why are they the villains for being successful? As an aside the government takes 54 cents in taxes from that same gas production and sales and they put $432 billion into their pockets

Exxon paid 30 billion dollars last year in taxes - which is as much in taxes, annually, as the bottom 50% of individual taxpayers. We're talking 65,000,000 people! 65 million and one, if you count Ira Rabinowitz. And did you know that the tax rate for the bottom 50% is only 3% of adjusted gross income. For Exxon it's 41%. Meaning that, it's not the corporations who've been getting a free ride- it's the poor! And as another aside the government paid NOTHING on the $432 billion they took in

Isn't it time we stopped beating up on corporations and started loving them? For my part, I offer to attend any corporate retreat that involves scream therapy and wearing cullottes.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

UC Berkley

For those of you who missed it and that would be most of you especially my special reader, last week the Berkeley city council voted to kick Marine recruitment out of town, and passed resolutions giving Code Pink, a anti-troop group, a place to park in front of the station in order to harass the Marines. It was then I thought --- through a pain killing drug fog --- that if Berkeley rejects the military, the military should reject Berkeley - and armed invasions should be encouraged to turn the city into a place where progressivism can truly flourish - Burma, if you will. But with more beheadings and nothing but black, Burkas.

Now, Berkeley is backtracking. The asshats on the council say they never meant to offend the military and are scrapping the letter that says the marines are unwelcome. The mayor has apologized (I giggled).

Why the second thoughts? Did they realize they were wrong? Did they have a sincere change of heart? No. They caved in faster than you can say, "there's a hockey stick stuck in my rectum" because Republican senators planned to yank millions in federal funding from Berkeley and give it to the Marines instead.

So what does this tell you about Berkeley, its mayor and its councilmen and women? That they're not just crunchy misguided morons, but cowards to boot. Its one thing to cling to an ideology that impresses people in Los Angles but it's another to abandon it when you realize the government won't support it.

Nobody should suggest that those who have not worn the uniform are less than those who did. There is nothing wrong in agreeing or deciding that the military may not be the life you would choose or care to participate in. But as a City Council of an American City to tell the defenders of the very freedom’s you enjoy to shut up and get out of town because you think they are barbaric only to back down when you realize that you won’t get government funding is beyond the pale even for a city in California. Which translates into the notion that if one were to decide to give the USA a giant enema of sulfuric acid and liberal Kool-Aid the hose should be inserted in Berkley the now known as the asshole of the United States.

Congratulations Berkeley - on being Berkeley. You put the UC in suck.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

A Cry For Help

The four most overused words in the English language? "A cry for help." Whenever someone does something stupid - whether it's exposing their genitals to parking attendants or having sex with a mango - the experts call it "a cry for help." That's because a cry for help excuses any responsibility for the behavior, and it allows wall-eyed creeps like Dr. Phil the opportunity to make a buck. It's getting to the point that when you hear a real cry for help, you simply ignore it.

Case in point: Takahiro Fujinuma, a lonely Japanese man who called directory assistance ten thousand times, pleading with the female operators not to hang up. Today, he was arrested in Tokyo. The charge: obstructing a business.
But here was a case where the cries for help were literally cries for help! And no one cared. My only explanation for such callousness is that we've grown immune to real sorrow - instead focusing our sympathies on people who don't need it - like depressed starlets, animals stuck in grates, and of course, Josh Groban.

Me - I prefer to focus on real cries for help. True, many of these cries come from my basement. But that's why I've invested 4,500 dollars in high performance, sound absorbing thermal insulation. I suggest you do the same.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler!

SATIRE ALERT

Barack Obama; A Reagan Conservative?

As Super Tuesday draws near, it appears that either Hillary or Obama will win the Democrat Party nomination and therefore the Presidency. I've been holding off an making an official endorsement because I love them both as if they were my own two lesbian mothers, with huge teats from which I shall suckle until I am fat and happy and can suckle no more. Having either one of them in the White House would make any Progressive as giddy as a freckled schoolgirl frolicking in a meadow on a bright summer morn.

But hold onto your bonnet, Half-Pint, because something is amiss in Walnut Grove. With their crops succumbing to the effects of global warming, Pa and Mr. Edwards have taken jobs delivering nitroglycerin to a nearby mining camp. Meanwhile, Nellie is up to her usual tricks, and a suprised Laura finds Albert smoking crack behind the schoolhouse with Willie Oleson.

For those of you who may be too conservative to understand the metaphor, what I am talking about is Obama's bizarre behavior of late, behavior that may cause many voters to wonder where his loyalties truly lie. First of all, his disrespect and mistreatment of the Clintons betrays a deep-rooted hatred for successful Black Americans. However, it's Obama's gushing praise of Ronald Raygun that alarms me the most.

"I think Ronald Reagan changed the trajectory of America in a way that Richard Nixon did not and in a way that Bill Clinton did not." Obama told the Las Vegas Review Journal. "He put us on a fundamentally different path because the country was ready for it."

Correction, Mr. Obama: Ronald Reagan was the most evil President in American history. Even the Shrub pales in comparison. How can any of us forget how that shriveled, old, B-movie actor banned labor unions, closed down the mental hospitals, raised taxes on the poor and put flowers on Hitler's grave? Let us also remember how his saber-rattling destroyed a perfect opportunity to forge an enduring friendship with the Soviet Union, an opportunity that sadly will never come again because the Soviet Union no longer exists. But Reagan's greatest crime of all, the one for which he shall never be forgiven, was that he restored a hope and enthusiasm for America'a future that Jimmy Carter worked four long years to crush. Reagan's jingoist rhetoric about a "Bright Shining City On a Hill" sparked a dangerous form of patriotism that lingers to this day. If Obama won't at least follow the Democrat Party by-laws and speak of Ronald Reagan only in the high-pitched whine of a liberal consumed with disgust for a man who personified everything we despise about this imperialist country, then he can expect no support from me come November.

Like I said, I'm not ready to officially endorse Hillary just yet. But I'm not going to waste my vote on someone who may only be pretending to be just to the left of Chairman Mao so he can get into office, and then tear away his progressive mask to reveal he's been the Gipper all along.

And if you don't agree with me , the YOU Sir and worse than Hitler's Turduckengal

I've not been feeling well today. They are poisoning me to make me better and to prepare me for surgery. One can only imagine what in the hell they have in mind post surgery. It may be a Josh Groban concert.

While lounging around in my shorty robe watching Designing Women, I came across a study which does not bode well for clowns. It says 250 children between the ages of 4 and 16 were surveyed, and each one said they disliked and feared clowns. At first, I wasn't fazed - we all know that face paint is the definitive mark of the anti-christ. But then I thought about it some more. And some more. And then, while refilling my squirting flower with acid, I realized that of all the special interest groups left on the planet, it's the Bozos and Bubbles who are subjected to most bigotry and ridicule. Who cries when you bully a clown? No one. In fact, in the south, it's encouraged.

Are clowns really that different from you and me? Sure they wear water-based makeup, giant rubber shoes, foam noses, balloon print cumberbunds and ride around in a Volkswagon with 18 of their friends, but can you honestly say you don't do the same? Can you?

Yes, we've seen a few bad eggs - Serial killer John Wayne Gacy did nothing to help the plight of the clown - but he was also a shoe salesman. How come no one mentions that?

Tonight I'd like you to take a look at your own clown prejudice. Because frankly, I don't think there's room in this world for your Bozophobia.

AND IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME THEN YOU, SIR, ARE WORSE THAN HITLER

New Yawk Times

So last Sunday I did something against doctors orders: I read the New York Times. On the front page - a piece on American war veterans. The Times says they're all homicidal maniacs, committing up to 121 murders total, stateside. But this is the Times, of course - so you know what they leave out is always more important than what they leave in. I'm talking context. Oh - and a soul.

In the New York Post, writer Andy Solstis, along with other bloggers, point out that the murder rate for returning vets is only one-fifth of that of young Americans who did not fight. The take home message: if you want to make peace, make warriors.

It's funny how the Times thinks the worst of our military - even as they bend over backwards pretending to support them. It's no wonder that they and others swallowed that corrupt Lancet study -the one funded by George Soros - claiming 600K Iraqi dead from the war. I guess if you really need to validate your own bitter assumptions about America - you'll swallow anything.

As you know, that number is almost as unfounded as the Times current circ numbers, which, if they drop any further, will be read less than your average supermarket circular (and about as newsworthy). The truth is, writers do this stuff because the closest they've ever gotten to a soldier is to snicker at the Salvation Army Lady at Christmas time. It's easy to believe bad things about people you never met. The rest of us worry about Osama and Ahmadinejad; the Times editors prefer to target 17 year old kids eating MRE's 10,000 miles from home. Why? Because those kids don't read the Times, or hold Time-ish opinions. They don't care who Paul Krugman or Maureen Dowd are (I think they're the same person, actually). Essentially these kids don't believe the Times should run the world. So they must be worse than Hitler. Just like you are, if you don't agree with me.

A Black President

I've read in a number of places that the United States is "not ready for a black president." Both you and I know this is ridiculous. The 11th president James K. Polk was black, as was Thomas Jefferson, who created the blueprint for what later became the Jeffersons. The difference was back then we didn't see color. Today everything is about race. When Hillary pointed out that LBJ had a role in ushering in civil rights laws, Obama's folks accused her of diminishing MLK. What does this mean?

It means that while the US is ready for another black president, it's not ready to talk openly to one.

A great leader needs to take his lumps. But as long as you have grievance groupies like Al Sharpton accusing squirrels and end tables of racism, then the opposition is silenced. There's nothing worse than being called a racist - being called a pedophile a close second - so rather than say Obama's policies are as loony as a bag of frog spit, you smile politely. If you're a reporter, anyway.For the press is always paraniod that interest groups will come after them - so they cower behind softball questions and shameless brown-nosing.

And how will the editorial cartoonists satirize a sacred cow when it's elected? Obama winning will probably mean every newspaper cartoonist and editorialist will be out of work--because essentially, they'll have gotten what they've been crowing so loudly about. Every punchline in the editorial universe just dried up. Except at Redeye, of course.

And if you disagree with me, then you're a probably a racist and worse than Hitler.

I have a Dream

Al Sharpton Emerges from Burrow, Declares One More Year of White Guilt

It's become a tradition. On the 22nd day of every January, the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson crawl out from their respective burrows. If they don't see their shadows, it means that Dr. King's Dream is yet unrealized, and White America must spend another year flagellating itself for the sins of slavery. If, on the other hand, their shadows do appear, then Dr. King's Dream has at last been realized, and both of these well-respected Black leaders will fade into obscurity.

Sadly, Al Sharpton's elusive shadow was a no-show again this year. Dr. King's Dream, it seems, is still unrealized.

"There are many who have said we are beyond race," Sharpton explained to the disappointed crowd. "But what happened in Jena reminded this country you still have not dealt with the problems of racism."

Sharpton was, of course, referring to the infamous "Jena Six" incident in which six African-American students ambushed and beat a White teen unconscious, then continued to kick and stomp him until they were arrested like common criminals. To the astonishment of everyone, the Black students all faced counts of second-degree attempted murder, while the White boy was never charged - neither for the rape of Tawana Brawley nor for the aforementioned sins of slavery - sins which he has yet to atone for by sending Al Sharpton a check.

So yes, even though Hillary is poised to become our first Black Female President, I'm afraid that we have yet to realize Dr. King's dream of an America where gangs of Black teenagers can brutally assault White kids without any legal repercussions. Until we do, please continue to make your checks payable to the National Action Network or the Rainbow/Push Coalition.

OH--Nevermind

So in Stephenville, Texas, a dozen or so people reported seeing a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast in their neighborhood. They're calling it a UFO, while others might call it a plane.

I've always felt that there are two kinds of people in this world: those who see UFO'S and the rest of us. The alarming fact of the matter: no one ever sees alien spacecraft in big cities or places where there's a decent Wal-Mart. Sightings of strange flying objects only occur in small towns - where there is little else to do but hope and pray for an anal probing. And maybe feel up a goat.

This is not an insult on any level.

In urban areas we have sightings of fat drunks in big GMC’s making phone calls on their cell phones to people they hate and because they drive so fast they too can be confused with UFO’s. The good news is that at some point they run into a stop sign or a red light and the mystery of the hulk with lights being driven by the blimp with a cell phone is solved. And that’s not an insult on any level too.

Small towns are great because it's quiet and the beer is cheap - two factors that allow for wishful thinking. See, to me UFO's are the small city version of big city recycling. Because although I'm sure recycling exists, I've never seen it.

Seems like it all goes into one bin, local yokels with a beer in their hand looking at the sky and fat guys with a beer in one hand and a cell phone in the other gazing out a windshield through blood shot eyes. Same difference

It's not that I don't believe in UFOs. It's just that I have enough problems with things I can identify. I don't need the unknown to complicate matters. I see things outside my house and office that are all too real, and disgusting. And sometimes they fly. They aren't UFOs. They're pigeons. And they can't even work a probe. Sadly.

My new Scarf

I bought my first scarf ever in the UK, at Selfridges for £38. It was brown and tan, heavy Scottish wool with tassels on each end. This Christmas I got a new scarf which is orange but similar in how it’s constructed. In America, every person owns a car, possibly two. In the UK, every person owns a scarf, possibly 20. By wearing a scarf, I have become instantly 432% more stylish than before.

And more trustworthy. Scarves, for some reason, make you look like someone who "cares'. In America, when I was at parties, no one trusted me to hold their babies. If anything, they kept their children away from me. But now that I wear scarves, people are literally hurling their infants at me.

In America if you wear a scarf you are assumed to be a homosexual, especially if you happen to be wearing the scarf while having sex with another man or you live in Florida and the current temperature is 80 degrees. In England it doesn't matter if a scarf makes you "look gay", because most British men in the city "look gay" already.

Satire Alert (for the terminally stupid)

New Jersey Finally Apologizes for Slavery

After 160 years of stubborn denial, New Jersey is just now getting around to admitting that slavery was wrong and has officially apologized for it. This is fantastic news for former slaves who have been sitting around all this time patiently waiting for some sort of mea culpa. However, there is still no word from any former slaves as to whether the apology will be accepted. In fact, they have remained strangely silent for decades.

Is it any surprise? If you were abducted from your home, shipped thousands of miles across the sea to a cruel and hostile land, thrown into chains, and then constantly pulled over by State Troopers for no reason whatsoever, I expect you'd be a little reluctant to have a friendly chat with those responsible your suffering. After what America did to them, I wouldn't blame the former slaves if they told New Jersey to stick that apology up it's rich White ass.

Life's a Bitch--Let's not elect one.

So, while watching the debates over the weekend, I figured out why Obama is rising in popularity, and why Hilary is sinking like something that sinks. Obama doesn't have to do a damn thing but sit there and look pretty, and we love him. And Hilary doesn't have to do a damn thing but sit there and look constipated, and you hate her.

In a nutshell: Obama is a stripper and Hilary is your wife. Think about it. When you go to a strip club, you see the very best attributes of the stripper you're ogling. You see her curves and her implants, but you see none of her problems. You don't see her meth habit, her biker ex-boyfriend, the box of severed ears she keeps in her closet. But with your wife, you are familiar not with only the good, but with the bad. The very bad. And this is why men sometimes prefer strippers to their wives.

But, once you leave your wife and start dating a stripper - you quickly find out that she's far worse than your wife could ever be. Your wife doesn't eat her own hair, for example. If the elections were held now, Obama would probably win - which is essentially like marrying a stripper after spending a weekend with her in Vegas, doing lines off her butt. But unlike that entirely made up scenario which definitely didn't happen to me in 1992 when I had long hair and a competitive bobsled racer's physique, a quickie election can't be annulled. If you tie the knot with Obama, as shapely as he is, you're stuck with him for at least four years.
And that's why I recommend ditching both of them and voting for me. I promise a unicorn in every pot and a turduckengal in every bed.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

Alone again

OK--so I'm bored and not feeling all that great so I'm reading a lot of crap I have accumulated over the last month and didn't read. I can't watch television because television with the exception of football is stupid and some shows like The Simpson's could lead you to believe that a gun in your mouth is the only answer. It's hard to believe what people watch on TV---ah---but I digress.

This might be the weirdest study I've read in the last fourteen minutes. Researchers at the University of Haifa in Israel report that if you're going to experience helplessness, it's best to do it alone. They figured this out by giving electric shocks to rats -some in pairs, and some alone. The rats shocked in pairs coped less well than rats shocked in isolation. By "coping," I think they mean how well the rats adapted to life after the trauma. The rats that were made to feel hopeless – by being isolated– actually got on better. They resumed their life of leisure – eating cheese, and watching rodent TV. I hear they love Frazier.

As an aside, if being alone is good--I'm great! So just bring on the taser because by reading this last survey my life will improve dramatically and quicker. To what it doesn't say but what the hell?

Anyway I love experiments with rats because they remind me of my fellow man. Think of the scrappy solo rats as the greatest generation, and the whiny loser rats as the Age of Aquarius. Or think of it as John Wayne vs. Woody Allen. Or Ronald Reagan vs. Hillary Clinton. It comes down to this: Faced with adversity, do you, (a). Toughen up and get back on that wedge of cheese or (b) roll over and urinate on your wood shavings. If the former, you tend to accomplish more in the long run, like say, winning World Wars; if the latter, you usually end up saying things like "Why do they hate us."

Of course, when mice say it, it just sounds like a bunch of squeaking. Not unlike the Josh Groban.

Baby Namer

I have these friends Franchesca and Scott who about to have their first child. Francine refuses to tell me the names they have picked out for the baby, however we know it's a boy as they have spotted his schmeckle.

So, I just read a poll of roughly 1,200 moms, in which10 percent of them thought about changing the name they'd given their babies. They had a lot of reasons – including mainly, regret. The researchers say this is common – especially if you've bought fourteen books on baby-names, and suddenly you realize that after six months, junior isn't really turning out to look like Huckleberry Prawn. But more like Jeff.

I'm one of those people that whenever I'm asked for my name like in reservations or just at the bagel store for my order I always give a different name. Yesterday I was Murray and today I shall be Soho because I feel a little New Yawkish. Tomorrow I intend to call myself Gland and that's to punish myself for something that is none of your business yet it's easier to give yourself a stupid name than put an ice pick in your ear. A lot less painful as well.

And this is the central problem with parenting, and with civilization in general. We're selfish. We do things strictly based on how they'll touch our lives – not others. We name our kids not on how we think it might affect them, but how it will affect us. Hence parents will think about how boring it sounds to say, "This is my son, John," as opposed to "This is my son, Atomic Strawberry Sauce." And so you're left with a pile of pillows, towels and picture frames monogrammed with the letters A.S.S., when you should have probably just worn a condom.

Me, I have five kids only one of which still resides with me, and from now on whether he likes it or not I'm changing his name every year. That way it keeps the relationship fresh, and I won't be tempted to start parenting outside the home. Plus, the name can suit whatever phase they're going through at that time. All Toddlers shall be known as Smelly. As a preteen, I should have called him Ignacio, and as a teen, this year he shall be known as "Slave with Xbox". My parents did the same for me, and look how well I turned out.

And if you disagree with me, you sir, are worse than Hitler.

Oh Joy - Tomorrow is Christmas

Christmas is just around the corner, and I thought, as your humble blogging host I would tell you what I want under my tree. Of course, my number one choice is world peace. World peace is a really good thing, because it affects the world in a really peaceful manner. I also want an end to war. War is bad, as you know because it's not peace. I would also like to see a ban on waterboarding - except on people I don't like. Which, as you know is anyone who defends Josh Groban or those who read other's email and text messages. I mean, really.

I would also like people to take global warming seriously. And by seriously, I mean admit that it's a joke, perpetrated by the left to avoid talking about the real stuff that matters - like terrorism and the flimsiness of sanitary covers for toilet seats. They just slide right off, and it makes me cry. I would also like a pair of suspenders, since belts no longer fit me. I would also like a turduckengal. It's a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey stuffed in a gal. Its very tough to find them in the contiguious 48 states, which is why I'm turning to you, my reader, to ask if you have any leads. I had one once, in a bistro in Shanghai, and I can't get the taste out of my mind.

I guess if I had to put my wish list in order, it would be world peace, turduckengal, global warming and then suspenders. I'm actually working with the credit card companies right now so a portion of each dollar you spend will go to Jeff's suspenders. And that's something we can both feel good about, isn't it?

I should not read the Wall Street Journal this early.

Is it time to tax the tall?

According to Harvard professor, Greg Mankiw, vertically gifted folks earn 16% more than short people. And research suggests that height may lead to other benefits - they're closer to the sun, and they look better in jeans. For that reason, they should be taxed.

But unlike other groups, there's no way for tall people to escape taxation. If you overtax higher earners, they might hide their income. But hunching over won't put tall people in a lower tax bracket.

And this makes height the perfect model for income redistribution: tax the tall and give to the short - like me - who really deserve it. At the supermarket - I can't even reach the paper towels. Which are white, so that's racist.

The Harvard professor was kidding, - he just wanted to show us how taxes are used to punish people who do well, and reward those who don't. He's probably short.

But why stop at tall? Why not blondes? They really do have more fun - and that's not fair. And how about the double-jointed? Tax them twice I say! And what of men with full heads of hair! Since I'm one of them- it's the kind of taxation I can't get behind!

The Poor

So according to folks at the UN climate conference, it's the poor who will be hit hardest by global warming. See, rich people can afford to move from encroaching waters caused by climate change- but the poor are left stranded. Worse, they can't afford sandbags, or even awareness wristbands, to let everyone know they can't afford sandbags.

But look: whether we're talking global warming, the coming ice age, obesity, anorexia, or jock itch- its worse when you're poor.

So why not stop wasting so much time pointing this out and devote that energy to making them unpoor? Rather than pushing climate change dogma to the point of hysteria, why not make it easier for folks in foreign countries to get the AID we send, instead of lining the pockets of their corrupt leaders?

What I propose is this: every bleeding heart, guilt spreading, green-living, Chicken Little hop into your Prius right now and head to your bank and take out your own money. Make it cash. Then hand it to the nearest poor person you see, so they'll be safe from global warming. Or better, mail it to me and I'l take care of it. Promise.

Waterboarding

We've heard a lot about waterboarding lately -but only from people who never have anything nice to say about our country anyway. In a sense they're using waterboarding as form of torture on us - a constant reminder that Americans are no better than our adversaries.We don't' fly planes into buildings, we don't behead gays and we don't imprison rape victims - but 40 seconds of simulated drowning, that's unforgivable.

Now, I might agree that waterboarding is torture, but as long as those who hate the US hate waterboarding, then I love it more than life itself. See, it's a recipe I have for life. If the New York Times, NPR, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, Hugo Chavez and most other Pantloads hate something - then it MUST be good for you. So I cherish waterboarding. I want to make it our national sport, or our national bird. I want to make the Waterboard the state flower of Vermont, instead of the Birkenstock.

As you may know, Abu Zubaydah, a top lieutenant to bin Laden, gave up his cohorts after a half-minute of the stuff. He said Allah visited him, and told him to cooperate. Allah, it turns out, prefers dry land. The good news is this new information prevented dozens of attacks. But if we had listened to the Striesands, Rieds, Pelosis, McCains, Edwards and Afflecks of the world - and got rid of waterboarding - then how many lives might have been lost? Who knows. It's hard to prove a negative. It's also hard to find a Christmas sweater that doesn't make me look fat, but it doesn't stop me from trying.

Blogging is passe now.

So Iranian President Ahmadinejad has a new blog and it works, in that "senile grandma in the attic" sort of way. But other than realizing how similar it sounds to Keith Olbermann, it dawned on me that when the elderly, squirrels and crazed dictators start having their own blogs, then blogging is dead.

The worst five words you can hear at a party is "have you read my blog?" Blogs, really, used be called diaries, hidden under the pillows by troubled twelve year old girls. They were usually covered with stickers of rainbows and unicorns (Oh I loved those unicorns). But now everyone has a diary, but they call them blogs and they're asking you to read them - it's disgusting. It's like pulling off a band-aid and saying - I made it myself!

I call it the Sylvia Plath Syndrome - the idea that every nuance of your life should endless fascinate everyone else. At least Plath at the decency to provide a killer ending.

Some think that if you don't blog, you don't have a life. But it's the opposite. You should be happy that you don't write for folks who prefer to live in a disjointed bubble of weirdness where their own self-serving cowardice is masked temporarily by online bravery. It's better to go outside and beat up somebody for real, than beat up someone on the web, while sitting in your feety pajamas, eating Cheetos and drinking Mr. Pibb. Six Cans!

And if you don't agree with me than you are worse than Hitler.

If you'd like to hear more about this - come on back to my blog tomorrow

Self Esteem is Crap

So while having my morning bubble bath, I came across an article summing up 30 years of research on raising children. It said success lies not in praising talent, but emphasizing hard work. Focus on effort, and screw how great you think you are. In other words more attention to substance rather than style.

This is a kick in the groin to every self-help guru who pumped the sham of self-esteem down our throats for the last three decades. From eighth grade to Oprah, we've been told that feeling good is better than actually doing good. As long as you're happy- who cares if you sit around all day and get high in your underwear. Which, I confess, is pretty fun. Especially if there's a Golden Girls marathon.

See, people with high self esteem require achievement without effort - it's like they won the lottery without ever playing. Hence you find these losers to be the most selfish people on earth - they're the roommate who never cleans, the friend who never repays a debt, the hooker who never shaves, the father who never takes his sons and daughters out alone to do stuff without Mom being the arbiter. Why fix what isn't broken- when you're naturally superior? And now it ends up that not only are you NOT superior but you've been lying to yourself your entire life.

My solution to excess esteem? Reverse it. Reward effort and denigrate pride. Salute sweat and punish sloth. And the next time someone tells you how important it is to feel good about yourself, punch them in the face. And say, thanks, I feel better already!