Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sterilize This!

So, there was an article in a British paper about some women getting themselves sterilized because they feel that children are bad for the planet. These women are your basic, run-of-the-mill environmentalists, so in a sense they're half right. Children aren't bad for the environment - only their children.

One particular woman, Toni Vernelli, was sterilized at age 27, and she says that living people use too much land, eat too much food, and kill too many trees. In her mind, people are evil. But in my mind, people who believe people are evil should not produce more people. If they are so consumed by the evils of consumption, however, then they should go a step further.

First, she could reduce her carbon footprint, by walking off a bridge. Or she can go one step further - and offset the consumption of food from other environmentalists by allowing them to eat her. After all, the only solution to overpopulation and carbon footprinting, is to remove those who make the carbon footprints - and turn them into fuel. Face it, folks: radical environmentalism is moving toward the only final solution they can stomach, and it rhymes with "Soylent Green."

I certainly hope it tastes like chicken.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Love lesson learned

The strangest story this week? A Florida woman made an odd discovery when she found her boyfriend stuck in her house's cat door. The girlfriend of Charles Tucker had kicked him out of her home after a fight, but he tried to come back in...through the cat door - where he got stuck and died. Here's more proof, I guess, that size matters.

Police are awaiting autopsy results, but I can already tell you what caused his death: true love. Men often do grand and incredibly stupid things to win someone back. Why, I remember as a younger man trying to impress a young lass by building a giant heart on a hillside, so she could see it from her house. I probably should have reconsidered the choice of material - but all the children were returned safely to their homes.

And that brings me to this final point: Before you ever make a big overture in the name of love, ask yourself, "if I were to die in the middle of this, how would the picture look?" I'm pretty sure this man never intended to be found half in, and half out, of his lover's cat door. He should have just moved on. Better to have loved and lost than to die wishing you were a pussy.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Now available at Fresh Market right next to the cabbage

Yoga--what a crock!

Here's why I really hate yoga: whenever I did it, the person in front of me always broke wind during an intense stretch. She called it "organic incense."

Fresh Market anyone???????

Free Range Turkey

I was watching tv, and they had this lady on talking about how great free-range turkeys are for Thanksgiving. By allowing the bird its freedom, she says, it ends up living a better life, one based on instinct, not industry.

Of course, none of this has any effect on their inevitable outcome, which is the centerpiece of your dinner table, where they will be torn to be pieces by an angry mob of hungry relatives. And this is where the idea of "free range being humane" falls apart.

What's worse: raising an animal for food - or raising an animal for food, but pretending you're not? The latter is actually crueler, because you're setting the bird up for a fall. He thinks life is unicorns and rainbows, and then you kill it. Keep the bird in a cage, and the prospect of death seems like a release. It's how I view my life currently, FYI.

But if you really feel strongly about their living conditions, then I suggest you adopt a turkey, where you not only raise, but bathe, massage and spoil your very own turkey. Take him to a day spa, give it a mud bath, and enliven its loins with a relaxing rubdown. And when you're done, let's see if he feels any happier when you're shoving a pound of stuffing up its rectum. I doubt it.

And if you disagree, then you sir are worse than Hitler.