Thursday, April 10, 2008

Progressive paranoia

So there`s a new study claiming that a third of the population experiences moments of paranoia. The other two-thirds are probably totally behind it.

In the research, they placed a bunch of people on a computer generated subway ride, during which the volunteers could walk around the car, interacting with "virtual" passengers who acted like real people. No one was molested, and most of the real people felt the fake characters to be friendly. But - almost 40 percent felt excessive anxiety or fear by these virtual passengers.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking - because I can read your thoughts. (I have placed tiny transmitters in your fillings for that very reason.) "Why do they come up with this crap - when they could be doing something far more useful, like creating virtual strip clubs where I can go and not worry about getting gonorrhea from a hologram?" My thoughts - and yours - exactly.

Anyway, the findings don`t surprise me. Because I`ve always been paranoid over the fact that there are a lot of paranoid people on this planet. Seriously – we`re basically part of a larger conspiracy, one engineered by paranoid people bent on making us more paranoid than we already are.

Who are these conspirators? Well, they are basically anyone who needs to appear smarter than you. That`s the point of conspiracy – that I know something that you don`t. You see this most often in the broken minds of aging leftists like Gore Vidal and Sean Penn. Is it no wonder that almost all conspiracy nuts are progressives – the same pessimistic, overwrought desire to hate individualism but embrace bureaucracy is the same virus that drives paranoid delusional thinking.

What was I saying? Oh yeah - Whether it`s Walmart or the fillings in your teeth – you`re all too stupid to see what I see - that they`re all part of a bigger conspiracy to control our lives. And wouldn`t you know that – because I am so much smarter than everyone else – I happen to know who is running the whole thing. It`s Estelle Getty, star of the Golden Girls. It`s she must be stopped before our entire world turns into some sordid sick fantasy played out on a ship deck with Bea Arthur in compression hose.