Thursday, March 27, 2008


There's nothing worse than seeing an old friend go through an identity crisis. Once self-assured, he proudly walked, or clucked, with his head held high. But then after a taste of failure, he begins to question his very worth. I speak not of a political candidate, or even my favorite masseuse, Tandelayo Schwartz - who has the softest hands and feet in the business. I am referring to Kentucky Fried Chicken - possibly the greatest restaurant ever to put food in a bucket. Okay - they were the only restaurant ever to put food in a bucket, but still - the profound brilliance of their crispy delight could never be denied. You could eat their chicken, and then use the bucket when the diarrhea hits.

But now KFC is changing and, in select cities, the brand will become Kentucky Grilled Chicken. They're introducing grilled meat, an item with less fat and salt than the original fried glop. To be extra safe, wear a helmet while eating it.

There will be new signs to promote this healthier fare, and even the buckets are getting a makeover . But to me, making KFC healthier is like teaching Jenna Jameson how to read. That kind of enhancement is unnecessary.

The goal to entice health conscious consumers to KFC is a spurious one - for there are a million places for the lycra-wearing loons to get a salad. KFC should reject them, and brazenly encourage us toward our next, inevitable coronary. Fried chicken may be bad for you, but that's what makes it good for you.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.