Saturday, January 05, 2008

Baby Namer

I have these friends Franchesca and Scott who about to have their first child. Francine refuses to tell me the names they have picked out for the baby, however we know it's a boy as they have spotted his schmeckle.

So, I just read a poll of roughly 1,200 moms, in which10 percent of them thought about changing the name they'd given their babies. They had a lot of reasons – including mainly, regret. The researchers say this is common – especially if you've bought fourteen books on baby-names, and suddenly you realize that after six months, junior isn't really turning out to look like Huckleberry Prawn. But more like Jeff.

I'm one of those people that whenever I'm asked for my name like in reservations or just at the bagel store for my order I always give a different name. Yesterday I was Murray and today I shall be Soho because I feel a little New Yawkish. Tomorrow I intend to call myself Gland and that's to punish myself for something that is none of your business yet it's easier to give yourself a stupid name than put an ice pick in your ear. A lot less painful as well.

And this is the central problem with parenting, and with civilization in general. We're selfish. We do things strictly based on how they'll touch our lives – not others. We name our kids not on how we think it might affect them, but how it will affect us. Hence parents will think about how boring it sounds to say, "This is my son, John," as opposed to "This is my son, Atomic Strawberry Sauce." And so you're left with a pile of pillows, towels and picture frames monogrammed with the letters A.S.S., when you should have probably just worn a condom.

Me, I have five kids only one of which still resides with me, and from now on whether he likes it or not I'm changing his name every year. That way it keeps the relationship fresh, and I won't be tempted to start parenting outside the home. Plus, the name can suit whatever phase they're going through at that time. All Toddlers shall be known as Smelly. As a preteen, I should have called him Ignacio, and as a teen, this year he shall be known as "Slave with Xbox". My parents did the same for me, and look how well I turned out.

And if you disagree with me, you sir, are worse than Hitler.