Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Killing those who want to kill you.

So according to the Wall Street Journal, the CIA had been kicking around a secret plan designed to off al-qaeda chieftains – something the Democrats say they were never told about.

The actual program was dropped early on – either because it was a dumb idea, or it didn`t work, or maybe something better came along. What bugs me is that the plan was probably canceled because it actually could work - but having to disclose the plan would have endangered those asked to carry it out.

I mean, if your job is to sneak around the globe killing really bad people, then it should be kept secret – which is something frowned upon by people who don`t understand that beating evil means eradicating it. We call them asshats. You see them now, trying to score political points out of something that didn't even happen (although, I wish it did).

Which brings me to a handy quiz you can take while you`re on a bus, a train, or perhaps even a plane!

Of the two statements below, check off the one you most agree with:

-The thought of the CIA contemplating a secret plan to kill terrorists behind 9/11 strikes you as wrong – so wrong in fact that those involved in it should be investigated for war crimes.

-The thought of the CIA contemplating a secret plan to kill terrorists behind 9/11 strikes you as something the CIA is paid to do, and if they don`t do it, they should probably be fired or at least relegated to running the sexual harrassment seminar in human resources.

If you agreed with the first statement, then get off that bus, train or plane. You don't deserve to be there. After all, the very actions that you want to see prosecuted are the actions guaranteeing your safety on those modes of transportation.

You should travel by foot. And, if you're in my neighborhood, be careful where you step. I have an active bladder.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Did you know we are an unhappy nation?

So over the weekend, while I was sunning myself by the pool, surrounded by all the things that make me happy (my masseuse Gertie Stoozt, my aromatherapist Tandelayo Schwartz and a hollowed-out gourd), a report was released ranking nations from least to most happy. According to the New Economics Foundation's "Happy Planet Index," Costa Rica came out on top – reporting the "highest life satisfaction" in the world.

Meanwhile America, the GREATEST country in the world - came in at 114th.

Guatemala, which is somewhere, came in second.

Okay. Let's look first at Costa Rica – whose primary source of income is tourism. Who goes there? Americans. So without miserable jerks like us who need to snorkle nude and do coke off the tails of shaved mules, Costa Rica would be nowhere. Guatemala? According to the World Bank, three quarters of its population live in poverty. Yeah, that's got to be fun.

So, forget the list. Let's look at its creator - the New Economics Foundation. It's a front for ecological cretins whose corrupt ideology drives them to link happiness to less consumption – a destructive, inhumane lie that most starving countries would take issue with if they weren't busy fighting flies for food.

So what's behind this dishonesty? Well, what do you think? Nic Marks, the founder of this joke of an organization, says less happy nations need to change their ways before their "high-consuming lifestyles plunge us into the chaos of irreversible climate change."

So there you have it. If you don't succumb to global warming hysteria, you're a selfish prick, living in an unhappy country. Please refer this information to all those Guatemalans and everyone else on the "happy" list risking their lives to get here.

Michael Jackson is still dead....

So if there`s one thing we learned recently, it`s that it`s not nuclear war that can wipe everything off the map. It`s the death of a pop star. Think about the things that mattered back in June: Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, cap and trade, that insipid health care infomercial – and ask yourself what happened in regard to any of those issues in the last few weeks.

C. A lot?

The answer is C, but we just didn`t see it.

We know that some of our brave troops died fighting for freedom. Protestors in Iran were violently silenced too, fighting for a glimmer of what we have. You can also be certain that the opportunity to actively undermine fascism in Iran has passed – our President choosing "wait and see" over "hope and change." He also snuck a few hundred pages of climate bill baloney past us in the dead of night.

No biggie, right?

But I`m not wagging my stubby, sausage-shaped finger. In that same span of time, I probably purchased about 50 bucks worth of music on iTunes. I saw a pile of movies (including "Up," and "Zoo." One is about tracking a rare bird; the other sleeping with a horse – please don`t confuse the two when making plans with the kids). I caught up on "Daisy of Love," "Charm School," and the clumsy replacement for "Project Runway," "The Fashion Show." I now know that Izrah could never replace Heidi.

Not to belittle the coverage of the passing of "the world`s greatest entertainer," in fact I`m in awe of it. But while Jackson took over the news, Obama made a deal with Russia - signing an agreement to reduce nuclear stockpiles by as much as a third.

Is this good or bad? Who cares? You can`t download nukes or fast forward to their best parts, so what good are they? Never mind that the whole point of having nuclear deterrents is HAVING them. And that by HAVING them, they are effectively a nuclear deterrent, whether or not the shrink wrap is removed.

In a way, nuclear weapons are like Stephen Hawking books. I have one on my coffee table. It`s never been opened, but it serves its purpose (it`s where I place the stromboli).

But here`s what do I know. if we are going reduce our nuclear warheads, let`s at least replace them with something we know can obliterate a city. I`m talking a years worth of The Hills, a million Transformer DVDs, and of course, the entire Michael Jackson catalogue. I`m thinking the only way to effectively beat our enemies is by making them as aimless and satisfied as we are.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

It's the Jews

So on some recent radio show hosted by the Rev. Al Sharpton, a female caller phoned in with a theory about Michael Jackson`s death. Turns out he didn`t kill himself using a panoply of pharmaceuticals. It was all Sarah Palin`s doing.

Yep, according to the caller, "maybe she did something to Michael Jackson," and "maybe she`s stepping down because something`s about to come out."

Now, crazy people calling into radio shows isn`t anything special – I used to call Loveline ten to twenty times a night, just to complain about the pixies living in my urinary tract. However, what`s hilarious, is Sharpton`s thoughtful response to the caller`s intriguing theory. He says, "All right, thank you for your call, Ashley. That's interesting. I'll put it out, we'll see. I don't know."

"I'll put it out. We'll see. I don't know."


Now, I said it's hilarious, but it`s not surprising, for Sharpton has never met a conspiracy he didn`t embrace, and possibly grope. After all, he was the man who helped push the Tawana Brawley hoax - a fabricated tale of rape and feces perpetrated by a 15 year old girl -used to racially bludgeon six white, innocent men.

But that was years ago, so who cares - right?

AnyHooo – I love conspiracies because they are as inevitable as death. When an event occurs that can be easily explained (like, say, a reclusive pop star overdoses on prescription narcotics), the demented emerge from the woodwork like lurid worms with complex explanations that defy logic and Pampers. Look at the Truthers, limping along under an impervious dome of self-inflicted idiocy, convinced that only they know the truth - when all they know really are twin beds, canned food purchased from the dented bin, and reusing their underwear on alternate days. You gotta love 'em, for they`re pure comedy.

My last point: why is it that people who cling to conspiracies, never put that much effort into the things that might benefit their actual lives? Like their school work? Their jobs? Their hygiene?

I blame the Jews. Only they could create a complex framework that keeps so many destructive minds busy contemplating nothing.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

So---Still have that Obama sticker on your car????

I know, it's hard to admit that you were wrong, isn't it? I mean, after all, how in the world can you admit that voting for someone with absolutely no experience at all - a former ACORN street organizer - someone who gravitated to Marxist professors and communist student groups in college - someone with no record of significant accomplishment at any endeavor - and someone who ran for office on the basis of focus-group slogans - how can you ever admit that such a vote might have been a mistake?

Do you see our economy improving? Have you noticed the improving employment figures?

Are you impressed by the burgeoning national debt that your children are going to have to pay back?

Are you looking forward to seeing your health care rationed?

How about the nationalization of General Motors, Citigroup and others? That's why you put that bumper sticker on your car, isn't it? So Obama could use some of his immense business experience to run some of our major industries. You do know he will nationalize the banks soon, don't you? Is that the change you had in mind?

Don't you see how smart this "sort-of" God really is? He's raising taxes while other nations are lowering business and personal taxes to fight the economic downturn. You knew that he knew something that the other world leaders didn't know ... didn't you?

How about our shows of determination and strength to North Korea and Iran? Obama really has the Gargoyle and Shorty in a tizzy, doesn't he? And I'm sure you're very impressed by Obama's instantaneous backing of that wannabe dictator and Chavez acolyte from Honduras.

So ... still got that Obama bumper sticker on your car? It's one thing to have been so profoundly ignorant in the last election. It's quite another to advertise it.