Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Ben and Jerry Endorsement of B. Hussein Obama

So Ben & Jerry's founders have endorsed Barack Obama for President, and will lend two "Obamamobiles" to drive around and give away "Cherries For Change" ice cream. The hippie millionaires explain that Obama represents real, inspirational change. Just like heart-stopping ice cream.

But as always, whenever you ask anyone what this change REALLY is, you get nothing. Why? Maybe because if we get into specifics - Obama's support will melt like a bowl of Chubby Hubby in the noonday sun.

This stupid endorsement actually illustrates the problem with change. Change means nothing if it's not defined as either good or bad. For example, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream has definitely changed our country... by making us all fatter and more unhealthy. Just by looking at a pint of Phish Food, you'll need a coronary stent and possibly a gastric bypass. I should know. I ate a tub for breakfast, and I went from a size 34 to a 38 waist. But is that good change? My turduckengals would say no. Or just gently weep under my immense weight.

Finally, I wonder if Obama would happily accept a similar endorsement from a gun manufacturer or a tobacco company. Frankly speaking, Ben and Jerry's ice cream is simply the dairy equivalent of an Uzi. Except it takes you years to die, instead of seconds.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Cherry Garcia.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Stop bitching about Exxon and corporations in general

If you're like me, you hate evil corporations. Mainly because they're rich, they have nicer cars, sleep in fluffy beds, and for breakfast they feast on the tender limbs of malnourished children from underdeveloped nations. (Usually folded into egg-white omelets.)

But the reality is - corporations are nothing more than large groups of people. Like fraternities. But they make heaploads of money and without them we'd all be dead. On his blog, Economics professor Mark J. Perry points this out brilliantly - that while we obsess over corporate profits, no one gives them credit for the massive taxes they pay to keep our country afloat.

I had a conversation (a short one) with someone I care deeply about and she mentioned how outrageous the profits of Exxon were. When I asked if she understood how and why the profits of Exxon were so big she just shrugged her shoulders and said they charged too much for gas.

Well---that’s just wrong. Exxon sells gas and they make about 8 cents a gallon in pre-tax profit on every gallon they sell. That’s after you take out the cost of finding the gas, drilling for the gas, brining the gas to the surface, refining the gas , distributing the gas to the stations and all while employing hundreds of thousands of people to do all this they end up with 8 cents pre-tax. So if they sell 100 gallons they make 8 dollars. If they sell 8 trillion gallons they make 64 billion dollars. They didn’t screw anyone, they didn’t gouge anyone, and they just sold more gas. Which begs the question , why are they the villains for being successful? As an aside the government takes 54 cents in taxes from that same gas production and sales and they put $432 billion into their pockets

Exxon paid 30 billion dollars last year in taxes - which is as much in taxes, annually, as the bottom 50% of individual taxpayers. We're talking 65,000,000 people! 65 million and one, if you count Ira Rabinowitz. And did you know that the tax rate for the bottom 50% is only 3% of adjusted gross income. For Exxon it's 41%. Meaning that, it's not the corporations who've been getting a free ride- it's the poor! And as another aside the government paid NOTHING on the $432 billion they took in

Isn't it time we stopped beating up on corporations and started loving them? For my part, I offer to attend any corporate retreat that involves scream therapy and wearing cullottes.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

UC Berkley

For those of you who missed it and that would be most of you especially my special reader, last week the Berkeley city council voted to kick Marine recruitment out of town, and passed resolutions giving Code Pink, a anti-troop group, a place to park in front of the station in order to harass the Marines. It was then I thought --- through a pain killing drug fog --- that if Berkeley rejects the military, the military should reject Berkeley - and armed invasions should be encouraged to turn the city into a place where progressivism can truly flourish - Burma, if you will. But with more beheadings and nothing but black, Burkas.

Now, Berkeley is backtracking. The asshats on the council say they never meant to offend the military and are scrapping the letter that says the marines are unwelcome. The mayor has apologized (I giggled).

Why the second thoughts? Did they realize they were wrong? Did they have a sincere change of heart? No. They caved in faster than you can say, "there's a hockey stick stuck in my rectum" because Republican senators planned to yank millions in federal funding from Berkeley and give it to the Marines instead.

So what does this tell you about Berkeley, its mayor and its councilmen and women? That they're not just crunchy misguided morons, but cowards to boot. Its one thing to cling to an ideology that impresses people in Los Angles but it's another to abandon it when you realize the government won't support it.

Nobody should suggest that those who have not worn the uniform are less than those who did. There is nothing wrong in agreeing or deciding that the military may not be the life you would choose or care to participate in. But as a City Council of an American City to tell the defenders of the very freedom’s you enjoy to shut up and get out of town because you think they are barbaric only to back down when you realize that you won’t get government funding is beyond the pale even for a city in California. Which translates into the notion that if one were to decide to give the USA a giant enema of sulfuric acid and liberal Kool-Aid the hose should be inserted in Berkley the now known as the asshole of the United States.

Congratulations Berkeley - on being Berkeley. You put the UC in suck.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.