Friday, October 27, 2006


Vote for Claire McCaskill or Marty McFly Dies

McflyA Special Message from Emmy Award-Winning actor, Michael J. Fox

Fellow Americans,

Many of you have expressed reservations concerning embryonic stem cell research, fearful that it will lead us down a slippery slope towards a society where human embryos are worth only what you can get for them on the open market. You strongly believe that human life, even in its earliest stages, is sacrosanct. Well, that and three bucks might get you some brownie points with the Big Cheese in the afterlife, but if you ever want to see another Back to the Future sequel you’ll vote Claire McCaskill for United States Senate.

Claire’s strong support for embryonic stem cell research is the best hope that beautiful celebrities afflicted with embarassing diseases have of finding a cure - and the only chance you people have of ever seeing Marty McFly and Doc Brown back in action again.

Seriously, I’d love to do another movie. In fact, I’ve got the script for Back to the Future Part IV right here. It’s damn good, too. But I’m going to feed it into the shredder page by page unless you people start forking over some goddam stem cells! I don’t want any of those second-rate stem cells from some dead geezer’s spine, either! They better be embryonic stem cells, from human embryos, or the deal’s off.

Come on. Wouldn’t you like to see your ol’ pal Calvin Klein riding a modified stegosaurus through prehistoric Hill Valley? It’s right here on page 17. But it’s not going to happen as long as I’m shaking like an Indonesian heroin addict. LOOK AT ME, FOR CHRISTSAKE!!!! I'M A F***ING WRECK!! How am I going to bury Caveman Biff under a mountain of dinosaur poop when I can’t even hold a pencil without poking my f***ing eye out?

So I’m going to say it one last time: VOTE CLAIRE McCASKGILL, OR MARTY MCFLY DIES! I'll kill him, I really will. Alex P. Keaton, too. I'll take my medication, and stab him right in the neck with a screwdriver. There will be no Family Ties Reunion Special, no more Back to the Future flicks, and your own damn selfishness will be to blame. Just keep that in mind when you go to the polls in November.

Thank you, and God bless.

Michael J. Fox

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Satire Alert for the terminally dumb

Bush Quakes Strike Hawaii

Hawaii. With its lush marijuana plantations and vibrant gay community, many consider it a veritable “Garden of Eden”. Yet there’s nothing the Bible-thumping Bush regime would love more than to see the Island paradise sink into the sea like the Biblical utopias of Sodom and Gomorrah. Last weekend’s barrage of politically-motivated quakes were only the opening salvo it what threatens to be a full-scale war waged by the Christian Right against the brown-skinned Hawaiian peoples.

Thankfully, not as many people died without dignity as Bush had undoubtedly hoped in this, the latest of his ecological disasters. Nonetheless, he wrought economical destruction to Hawaii that only time and the repeal of his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent will heal. The tremors that struck Hawaii knocked scores of ukeleles out of tune, and thousands of striking hula workers were forced to gyrate rhythmically at the hips without compensation for several agonizing minutes. Many a grass-skirted minx has already fled the Islands for the safety of the mainland, walking across the Pacific Ocean on the backs of undocumented Mexicans swimming to Hawaii for construction jobs. Defiant in the face of tragedy, a headstrong and resolute Mayor Ray Kakapipimediapaliki condemned the racist policies that lead to the quakes, and vowed that Honolulu would once again be a “Coconut City” - just as soon as they've ran off all the job-stealing Beaners.

As expected, the Repugs are in full denial mode, blaming the disaster on everything from "Mother Nature" to "Tectonic Plates". But no matter how they try to spin it, the blame for Hawaii lies solely on George Bush and his evangelical masters - not to be confused with Thomas Magnum and his Robin Masters, neither of whom were invited to the Luau.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Foley IV

Aliens Turned Foley Gay

Mark Foley's lawyer announced just moments ago that his client's homosexuality is the result of an alien abduction during his college days.

Well, I guess if anything good can possibly come from an anal probe, that's it.

The only question is: How long did Dennis Hastert know about it and why did he keep it a secret? Was he so desperate to maintain control of congress that he would turn a blind eye to extraterrestrials preying on our helpless frat boys? If so, how many Republican congressmen will be willing to resign in order to make things right? Is Bush, with his so-called "family values" ready to put the safety of our children before partisan politics and finally repeal his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or will he squander the golden showers of international support and mislead Americans into another pointless war for oil?

Foley III

Booze Turned Foley Gay

Foley's lawyer has also revealed that the disgraced congressman was drunk when he engaged in online sex chats with gay teens.

If there's any good that can possibly come from alchohol abuse, I guess that's it.

Millions of gay teens take their lives each year for lack of any positive reinforcement from like-minded adult mentors. While the vital service Foley provided to the gay community doesn't excuse his Violation of the Sacred Trust, it must be taken into consideration when Dennis Hastert is sentenced.

Foley II

Roman Catholics Turned Foley Gay

Mark Foley's lawyer suggested yesterday that a Roman Catholic priest who molested him as a child may be responsible for his homosexual proclivities.

I guess if anything good can possibly come from sexual abuse, that's it.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised, though. I had always understood that people were born gay. It's impossible to turn someone who isn't a homosexual into one, so any claims that gay rights groups or progressive schoolteachers are attempting indoctrinate children into a gay lifestyle should be looked upon as the insane ravings of homophobic parents. Now I am learning that Roman Catholic priests are going around, magically transforming heterosexual young boys into flaming homos.


With so many members of the Gay Community killed off by AIDS and Republicans every year, perhaps this is God's way of replenishing the species so we can continue to enjoy a wide variety of fabulously decorated park restrooms.

Foley I

Republicans Giving Sexual Deviancy a Bad Name

Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) is a closet homosexual who used his position of power to lure impressionable young boys into obscene online chats. Yet in spite of all that, it turns out he is actually a bad person. His crime? Violating the sacred trust between members of Congress and their pages.

I’m sorry, but that’s all I got. We’ve spent so many years blurring the line between decency and depravity that I really don’t have much to work with. I considered putting an anti-pedophilia spin on it, but let’s face it – those kids weren’t exactly tots. If some of them were just a few months older, this whole thing would be the makings of an Academy Award-winning movie about two grown men sharing a secret love in a world too cold to understand. If it were two 15 year old boys talking that way to each other, we'd give them a special group in the high school where they could discuss their sexuality in a safe and healthy environment. It appears that the online sex sessions were consensual as well, so as long as they used online condoms we would be hypocrites to condemn them for it. So I guess the real crime here, besides the “sacred trust” thing, is that Foley behaved as if his homosexuality was something to be ashamed of.

The whole GOP acts that way. Rather than celebrating homosexuality as a beautiful expression of love between two human beings, they cringe at the very thought of it. It’s no wonder gay Republicans like Foley are forced into the closet. Left unnurtured and unexplored, their homosexuality devolves into pedophilia - although the two are entirely unrelated and frankly I resent any suggestions to the contrary.

Key Republicans knew for years that Foley had a thing for men, yet they did nothing to encourage it. Tragically, Foley’s homosexuality was never allowed to blossom to it’s full potential. As an out-and-proud, in-your-face gay man, Foley could have been a force for good in Washington. Perhaps he could have been a positive role model for other perverts in congress. Instead, he was completely ignored, and now look what’s become of him.

Dennis Hastert and a sufficient number of Republicans to surrender control of Congress should all be ashamed of themselves.