Student tasered in the mode of Jingess Khan

He rambled on and on without any semblance of logic or reason, drifting aimlessly from one subject to another, his words suggesting a deep-seated Christ complex if not a hint of outright dementia. Then Senator Kerry opened the floor to questions.

The very first student to take the microphone immediately pulled down his pants and whistled out of his sphincter until he was tackled to the ground by Bush's brownshirts.

"Please, let him finish," Kerry begged the jackbooted thugs, perhaps seeing a bit of himself in this brash young progressive. Indeed, the student's oratory, albeit a little rough around the edges, was just as impassioned as his historic Winter Soldier testimony 30 some years ago - and almost identical in content. If Kerry could only take the lad under his wing as Ted Kennedy once did for him, he could very well be a mentor to the next in a long line of flatulent senators from Massachusetts. But there was no convincing the pigs. No doubt on orders from Bush himself, they tasered the helpless lad and dragged him away, in all likelihood to some secret CIA torture chamber in Lithuania where he will be given lap dances in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.

Anyhoo, John Kerry is in the news again and that means it's time to throw a couple more turds into the Fair Trade Gift Shop.

Usama's back with a new tape

So you've seen the latest message from our favorite goat-toucher Usama bin Laden. In it, he criticizes Americans for reelecting, instead of punishing, Bush, as well as harping on Democrats for not securing a retreat from Iraq. He also mentions global warming and praises Noam Chomsky, the patron saint of the left.

It was at this point, I thought I was listening to Keith Olbermann. That's when it dawned on me. Bin Laden isn't just a terrorist. He's worse. A liberal!

So, when one political party shares a war-time agenda with the guy who's trying to end your civilization, isn't it time to stop renewing Bill Maher's contract? I mean, if Usama wrote these sentiments on a job application, he could land a spot on the View.

You know, I didn't realize bin laden was following US politics that closely. He must watch the Daily Show. But the whole thing seems like Usama's latest video dating offer to America's left. "Lonely, bored goat-herder, into Jihad, mass murder, and figs, seeks fellow 'Progressive' for long term relationship. I enjoy long walks in the desert. And goats. Lets end western civilization together! (AND YES, THIS IS MY REAL BEARD!)

But there's a hint of desperation to all this. UBL is no longer calling for America's destruction. Now, he's begging us to leave the middle east. Which means, he's running out of hummus. It's clear he would love to call things "even" and check into the Yemen Hilton for a nice bath.

Just remember: only a man who's losing it quotes Chomsky. Usama's on the ropes. Let's keep him there. Until he's at the end of one.