Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Debbie Does DNC

The Democrats don’t seem too warm and fuzzy over the proposed Republican plan for Medicare reform. So you may be asking yourself … what is the Democrat plan for Medicare? Let’s let DNC Chairman Debbie Wasserman Shultz take a crack at that one:

Like I said, the Republicans have a plan to end Medicare as we know it. What they would do is they would take the people who are younger than 55 years old today and tell them, ‘You know what? You’re on your own. Go and find private health insurance in the healthcare insurance market, we’re going to throw you to the wolves and allow insurance companies to deny you coverage and drop you for pre-existing conditions. We’re going to give you X amount of dollars and you figure it out.’

Oh, that didn’t really answer the question … did it? After that response, can you tell me any more information about what the Democrats plan to do about our Medicare system? The answer is not only no but hell no. All they have is the fact that people are ignorant and don’t like the idea of changing how their Medicare is handled. So the Democrats’ brilliant plan is to have no plan, but simply demagogue the only reform that actually exists.

How’s that for leadership?

This wasn’t the only piece of brilliance from Debbie Wasserman Shultz over the weekend. According to her the evil Republicans think that illegal immigration is some sort of crime … the horror! Wait, what? Illegal immigration IS a crime, you twit. She says, “the Republican solution that I've seen in the last three years is that we should just pack them all up and ship them back to their own countries, and that in fact it should be a crime and we should arrest them all.”

Yep--she said it---I rest my case.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Rapture was Awesome! : A Report from Heaven

Hey everyone! It’s me, St.Jeffrey
That’s right, I’m a saint now as I got Raptured up to Heaven last Saturday night.
One of the cool upsides to being a saint is that I get to be the Patron Saint of something. You know, like St Jude is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes or St Ambrose the Patron Saint of Beekeepers.
The downside to that is all the really cool stuff has already been patron-sainted…well, actually almost everything has been patron-sainted. Even the obscure stuff.
About the only things left are waffles, hula hoops, and fire ants.
I’m leaning towards waffles but I have to admit I really like the sound of “St Jeffrey the Patron Saint of Fire Ants”.
Anywho, as you’ve probably figured out by now- you weren’t Raptured. Actually, only a couple hundred of us were Raptured worldwide. So, you probably don’t even know someone who got Raptured.
Let me tell you-
One moment you’re out taking the dog for a walk, carrying your little pooper-scooper thingy cause it’s the law and the next moment-BAM!
You are floating naked toward a far point of bright pure light in the sky.
And you’d think you’d be scared, but you’re not. Or at least embarrassed cause, you know, your junk’s hanging out and all, but you’re not.
What you are is joyful beyond anything you’ve experienced before because you’re filled with the knowledge of God’s total love and acceptance of you.
Which is cool.
And you’re filled with knowledge of the world, the universe, and everything; how it all fits together. And how everything, even the bad and horrible stuff, all fits together and makes sense.
But that also means there’s a deep sense of melancholy too, because you’re suddenly aware of everything in your life. The good, of course, but also all the wrong steps, the paths you might have taken, the missed opportunities. So, melancholy is definitely there. Almost overwhelming for a time. And you wish for just one more day, one more minute, one more second to do all the things you’d left undone, to set things right.
As an example:
As I was rising, Air Force One flew by and President Obama returning from some fundraiser or other, was staring out the window, looking right at me.
And since I’d been Raptured, I was suddenly aware of the totality of the man. The good, the bad. His plans. His place in the scheme of things…
And I was moved…I felt compelled to-waggle my junk at him and shoot him the bird. Cause really, when would I have the chance to do that again?
You left behind guys really might want to keep an eye on that Obama guy. That’s all I’m allowed to say.
I have to admit, it is extremely cool to know so much. Just about everything.
I know the all the answers to mankind’s most vexing questions. For instance-
Does Lindsay Lohan’s carpet match the drapes?
I can definitely tell you, no.
The drapes don’t have genital warts and crabs.
I “m Kidding
That’s one of the first things you learn when you arrive here in Heaven. It is absolutely hilarious. The funniest joke ever! I’m laughing right now just thinking about it.
The story of Creation is absolutely the best way to start off your eternity in Heaven. It all started when……Huh?
Oh…okay…..well, St Michael the Archangel informs me I can’t say anything more about Creation and all.
But, believe me, you will LOL!
But, Jeff, Jeff, I hear you say, that’s all great you’re in Heaven and such but what about me?
Sorry, I almost forgot. I mean, Heaven is just so great. Time means nothing here.
Okay, so you probably don’t know this but you get a second chance for Rapture next year. God the Almighty is nothing if not fair. And a bit of a softy. But He has His limits. That’s it.
I can’t really tell you the date. But, did you know God’s favorite movie is “Groundhog Day”?
True story.
Add it’s pretty easy to catch the next Rapture Express. Just follow the Ten Commandments. That’s just about it.
The whole not taking God’s name in vain thing is what trips most people up.
Saying “shit” or “fuck” any of that kind of stuff is okay, but no God references in your cursing.
And that includes stuff like “gosh darn it!” or even “ding dang it!” for as God Himself puts it:
“Dost thou believe that He, Who created both Heaven and Earth, the Stars and the Oceans, the Fish in the Sea and the Birds of the Air, doth not recognize a euphemism when He hears one?”
So…you’ve been warned.
And I know we like to think that politics has little or nothing to do with getting to Heaven however, if you’re a lefty, a progressive, a liberal, a commie, or a socialist, you’ve spent your whole life breaking the “thou shalt not steal” and “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods” deal no matter what justifications you tell yourself. That doesn’t make you a good person. Think about it.
And last, but certainly not least, cause there’s like a billion of you guys, Muslims you might want to rethink that whole murdering, raping, stealing, jihad for God thing as that all goes directly against the Ten Commandments.
You see, Mohammed was one of God’s little jokes. Really. Your prophet was a murdering, raping, child-molesting, neurologically-damaged, epileptic thief. And that didn’t tip you off?
God still shakes his head over that one.
Anyway, you’ve got a year to convert- Buddhist, Christian, Shinto, Hindu, Jainist, whatever- they all follow the Ten Commandments or their version. Lots of each of those in Heaven. You guys, not so much…. anyway think about it.
Well, I’m off to go sing the Praises of God, which you think would get old, but it never does! He is just so awesome!
If you have any questions about life, the universe, etc, just write them in to me in an email. If I’m allowed to answer, I will.
But, hurry, otherwise the only way you’ll be able to communicate with me is to ask for my intercession when cooking crispy, delicious, golden-brown waffles- or help with your fire ant infestation…
Not sure which…

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Don't taze me Bro

You have to admit, this has been fun. I’m talking about the efforts of the Obamajahadeen to try to have it both ways on the issues of “enhanced interrogation” (let’s just call it torture) and capping Osama bin Laden. It’s laughable, really. Here we have doing a victory lap around the country telling everyone what a gutsy call Obama made sending the Seals after bin Laden … all the while denying that any of the intelligence information which led to bin Laden came from enhanced interrogation techniques. We know that’s how much of the information was gathered, and they know that’s how much of the information was gathered; and we know that they know that we know that’s how the information was gathered … yet they continue with their vapid denials. One of the problems, of course, is that to admit that the enhanced interrogations techniques led to the end of OBL would be to admit that Obama’s greatest whipping boy, George W. Bush, actually had it right.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Are you one of the Filthy Rich?

It’s now official. We’ve been heading to this for quite a while … and now we’re there. Critical mass. More than half of households in America do not pay federal income taxes. For 2009, the latest year for which figures are available, 51% of U.S. households owed no federal income tax.

From the Wall Street Journal:
A 2008 study by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, for example, found that the highest-earning 10% of the U.S. population paid the largest share among 24 countries examined, even after adjusting for their relatively higher incomes. "Taxation is most progressively distributed in the United States," the OECD study concluded.

Meanwhile, the percentage of U.S. households paying no federal income tax has been climbing, and reached 51% for 2009, according to a new analysis by the Joint Committee on Taxation. That was the first time since at least 1992 that more than half of households owed no federal income tax, according to JCT estimates.; earlier data were unavailable on Monday.

Are you following this? The OECD says that our tax system is the most progressive among 24 large economies studied ---- yet our re-distributor in chief says that the rich really aren’t paying their fair share. They just need to pay more.

And when you have over one-half of the people in this country not paying any income taxes – and from that you can suppose that over one-half of eligible voters don’t pay income taxes – how easy is it for a politician to talk about raising taxes on the evil rich?

And while these pitiful people just don’t make enough money to shoulder one single dollar of the cost of operating our government, almost 90% of U.S. households have cable or satellite TV service. As for the 49% of suckers who are sharing the burden, my guess is that that number will only continue to shrink as more and more Americans become dependent on government and there is less incentive to produce.

No Body Armor - No Playgrounds

The ObamaMedia is starting to fret … about the children. NBC’s Today Show is upset [video]over the images of Americans celebrating Osama bin Laden’s death, and they believe that these images may be disturbing for the children.

Well of course! Everything we do in this country – every action and every breath – is judged solely by the impact it will have on our precious and vastly over-coddled children. Give Washington a few more years and regulations will require that our precious children sit in booster seats right up until the time they get their driver’s license. I have it on good authority that by the end of August the feds will have issued regulations requiring all children to wear motorcycle style body armor when riding bicycles and forbidding children from climbing anything over three feet tall without adult supervision and helmets.

So NBC is upset that we’re showing our happiness that OBL is dead. Children might be disturbed. Awwwwww. I’ll tell you what would be even more disturbing for the children … losing their parents in a terrorist attack on this country.

Where do we file this story? In that file folder marked “Wussification.”

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Screw the UN

Uh oh .. here comes the United Nations, a worthless excuse for an international organization whose primary goal is to redistribute wealth around the world. But the United Nations top human rights official called on the United States yesterday to provide the U.N. with full details of Osama’s killing to ensure that we complied with international law.

Does Obama have the guts to tell the UN to go screw itself? No … I mean that; literally. The United Nations has no standing whatsoever to demand any details of this raid from the United States.

The insipid United Nations can take its international law and shove it up their collective anti-American Anti-Semitic ass..

The United Nations is not one to talk when it comes to human rights abuses .. we are talking about an organization that put Sudan and Libya on its human rights council – and Syria will probably soon be added. Osama bin Laden is responsible for the murder of thousands of Americans and was the most wanted terrorist throughout the world. We found him and we took care of it. We even gave him a proper burial. Now what exactly is the problem here?

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Those God-Damned Oil Company Pigs.

OK ... let’s get started with those hideous oil companies and all of that money they’re making off the backs of poor Americans just trying to fill their gas tanks. Obama, as you know, has really been pressing in the last week or so to end all of those subsidies and tax breaks for “big oil.” Most of us know that it’s just a play to America’s uneducated myrmidons who wallow in wealth envy every day of their lives.

Have you ever put any thought at all into just who owns these companies? It’s one thing for Obama and his leftist, anti-capitalist friends to talk about “Big Oil,” but someone owns those companies, right? Someone is getting rich off of all those profits, right? Those are the people we should be going after!

Well .. let’s look at the ownership of these companies. They’re all corporations, so that means they’re owned by their stockholders. So who owns the stock? I’m pretty sure that you and most Americans think that the majority of the stock in these oil companies is owned by the corporate titans ... the presidents of the companies, their high-ranking officers and, of course, the members of the boards of directors. Well, if you think that 1.5% constitutes a majority of the stock, you would be correct. That’s right ... just 1.5% of the stock in the major oil companies is owned by the corporate management of those companies. Looks like we have about 98.5% of the stock left!

Let’s cut to the chase. The biggest share of the stock in these oil companies, 29.5%, is owned by mutual funds. Now do you happen to have any of your money invested in mutual funds? Why don’t you check with the managers of those funds to see if they have any holdings in Chevron or ExonMobile? Maybe you are one of the people you’ve been slamming as gas prices go up.

Here’s another 27% share of oil company stocks for you .... pension funds. That’s right, pension funds! And we’re not talking about pension funds for rich capitalists. We’re talking pension funds for teachers, firemen, policemen, miners ... what you might call “working class” people. Let’s tax those pension funds a bit more to help us through these tough economic times, right? That’s right – tax pension funds. Are you such an ObamaBot that you don’t realize that when the government seizes oil company profits through higher taxes, that is money that will not be paid to pension funds and other stockholders through dividends? I know most Americans are just that ignorant --- but you are, after all, listening to talk radio, so you really should know better.

The next largest group of owners in oil company stocks? That would be individual investors. Individual investors – like your next door neighbor – own 23% of big oil. These are the people who are working with stock brokers looking for places to invest their hard-earned money. They really should be punished for investing in evil big oil, don’t you think?

The next largest group is IRAs. IRAs account for 14% of all outstanding shares in big oil. Again --- maybe you think it would be a better idea if the money being earned by these IRAs would be better off being spent by Obama and his pals on some grand new entitlement program.

The last 5%? They’re listed as “other institutional investors.” Maybe some of these are foreign investors. Who knows? One thing for sure --- this 5% needs to be punished as well, right?

Actually … what Obama may really be after here is looking for an excuse to nationalize big oil. After all, any business so thoroughly evil yet so essential to our economy really should be put under complete government control, right? After all, 15 out of the 16 largest oil and gas companies in the world are owned by governments, the largest being Saudi Arabian Oil Co. with 19.19% of all proven worldwide reserves. ExxonMobil controls less than one percent of worldwide reserves … clearly a behemoth that must be brought to its knees.

That’s enough numbers on evil big oil for today …. Obama will continue his demagoguery against the oil companies as the price of gasoline continues to rise