America's #1 Game Show

I'm Bob Winkle, welcome to You Bet Someone Else's Life, where contestants can say whatever they want about the war in Iraq without worrying about the consequences.

Looks like our contestants are eager to get started, so let's jump right into round one. Senator John Kerry, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

You know, Bob, just the other day I spoke with a group of my constituents, and a woman said to me, "Senator Kerry..."

I need a yes or no answer, Senator.

I understand, Bob, but the American people...

Time's almost up, Senator.

You're right Bob, time is almost up for this administration, whose failed policies...

Sorry, time's up. Senator Clinton, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

I'm going to have to get back you on that, Bob.

Sorry, you only get one chance to answer. Congressman Murtha - should we withdraw the troops?

Yes.

Nancy Pelosi.

Wait - I want to change my answer to no.

Too late, Congressman. Nancy Pelosi - withdraw the troops?

Absolutely.

Howard Dean.

Unless the President says we should, in which case my answer would be no.

Bob, what I meant to say is that we should redeploy the troops, which may or may not be the same as withdrawing them.

The answer is no, we should not withdraw our troops.

I'm going to say no, Bob.

Too late, Senator. Next question...

I'm a veteran!

Good to know. Howard Dean - is the war in Iraq winnable?

Find out what the president thinks and then say the opposite, Howard.

Say yes - I mean no!

Say we need to do whatever is necessary to achieve the political solution desired by...

Oh, can it, horse-face! Howard, just say it depends.

Depends on what?

I don't know - just try to stall until 2008!

Talk about the town where you grew up!

WTF??

Time's almost up.

OK, I'll say...no!

Oh! You were so close - the answer is yes.

That's what I was going to say, Bob.

Bob, I think my answer was taken out of context.

You can't take "no" out of context.

Well, then it's being distorted by the press.

All right, it's time for our final round, the "I think what he meant to say was" round. Senator Kerry, I'm sure you're familiar with how this works.

I certainly am, Bob.

All you have to do is listen to the following quote and tell us what you think the speaker meant to say. Senator Kerry, we're showing a clip of you this week.

Just like old times.

Here we go, contestants. This is Senator Kerry on Face The Nation.

And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the--of--the historical customs, religious customs..

Whether you like it or not-- Iraqis should be doing that..

Howard Dean, you heard what Senator Kerry said - what do you think he meant to say?

I, uh...I think he meant to say...that, uh, that this administration has...failed the...American people?

Senator Clinton?

Have to get back to you, Bob.

Congressman Murtha.

Veteran!

Senator Kerry, what did you mean to say?

What the hell was I thinking?

I don't think anyone knows. That's our show for tonight, tune in next time for...

Wait, who won?

No one.

No one?

No, you're all losers.

Be sure to tune in next time for more You Bet Someone Else's Life.

TNR fire the dork!

As anyone who has accompanied me to a massage parlor knows - I love a happy ending. That said, allow me to opine that if you like happy endings like me--Don't go see "No Country For Old Men" which is even worse because it has no damn ending.

So it turns out the editor of The New Republic has finally admitted that hiring Scott Thomas Beauchamp - a private in the US Army - to write for the mag was a mistake. It took him 14 pages to admit it, but the gist is this guy was making it up. Not all of it, but just the stuff that mattered. The stuff, of course, was soldier misconduct - the junk that makes our troops look bad.

The editor even allowed the soldier's wife to fact-check the articles -- which is like asking me to guard your Vicodin. But it didn't matter, because even if the stories were lies, they were just too good to question. When you so badly want to believe our soldiers eat babies for lunch and puppies for dinner, then you're willing to buy any story that meets your assumptions about how rotten we are as a force in this world.

I guess that's why the media has been dead silent on the surge's success. Maybe they're praying it will end in disaster- because to them, appearing smart is better than saving lives.

Peace -- Brother

So the Mideast peace conference opened and closed in Maryland, and I totally missed it because I was getting my back waxed. But President Bush went and promised to take notes, so we're cool. He's there with some Mideast leaders, and get this: they're talking peace. I love peace. Who doesn't? Peace is awesome. See, with peace, all you have to do is talk about it, and you're safe. You can behead, imprison and blow people up, because the veil of peace talks protects you.

So, call it an odd coincidence that at the same time we're talking peace, the Saudis have released 1500 al qaeda terrorists over the weekend. All it took was a promise that they are reformed - and that they will not wage war on the Arabian peninsula. They made no promises about inflicting mayhem elsewhere - like say, Iraq or your local mall. But the Saudis are confident these bad guys have seen the error of their ways, thanks to counseling. Counseling? Yes, counseling! We know how well that works. I know a guy who's done it for three years and still looks at panda porn.

So, do you trust the Saudis opinion? Remember, these are the same folks who punish rape victims for being raped, and behead people at the same rate that I bathe. Which is weekly. Look, I am all for reforming terrorists. But my definition of reform involves a firing squad. And until we convince the Saudis that our version of reform is better than theirs, I'll pass on the peace. And embrace the ammunition.

Sterilize This!

So, there was an article in a British paper about some women getting themselves sterilized because they feel that children are bad for the planet. These women are your basic, run-of-the-mill environmentalists, so in a sense they're half right. Children aren't bad for the environment - only their children.

One particular woman, Toni Vernelli, was sterilized at age 27, and she says that living people use too much land, eat too much food, and kill too many trees. In her mind, people are evil. But in my mind, people who believe people are evil should not produce more people. If they are so consumed by the evils of consumption, however, then they should go a step further.

First, she could reduce her carbon footprint, by walking off a bridge. Or she can go one step further - and offset the consumption of food from other environmentalists by allowing them to eat her. After all, the only solution to overpopulation and carbon footprinting, is to remove those who make the carbon footprints - and turn them into fuel. Face it, folks: radical environmentalism is moving toward the only final solution they can stomach, and it rhymes with "Soylent Green."

I certainly hope it tastes like chicken.

Love lesson learned

The strangest story this week? A Florida woman made an odd discovery when she found her boyfriend stuck in her house's cat door. The girlfriend of Charles Tucker had kicked him out of her home after a fight, but he tried to come back in...through the cat door - where he got stuck and died. Here's more proof, I guess, that size matters.

Police are awaiting autopsy results, but I can already tell you what caused his death: true love. Men often do grand and incredibly stupid things to win someone back. Why, I remember as a younger man trying to impress a young lass by building a giant heart on a hillside, so she could see it from her house. I probably should have reconsidered the choice of material - but all the children were returned safely to their homes.

And that brings me to this final point: Before you ever make a big overture in the name of love, ask yourself, "if I were to die in the middle of this, how would the picture look?" I'm pretty sure this man never intended to be found half in, and half out, of his lover's cat door. He should have just moved on. Better to have loved and lost than to die wishing you were a pussy.

Now available at Fresh Market right next to the cabbage

Yoga--what a crock!

Here's why I really hate yoga: whenever I did it, the person in front of me always broke wind during an intense stretch. She called it "organic incense."

Fresh Market anyone???????

Free Range Turkey

I was watching tv, and they had this lady on talking about how great free-range turkeys are for Thanksgiving. By allowing the bird its freedom, she says, it ends up living a better life, one based on instinct, not industry.

Of course, none of this has any effect on their inevitable outcome, which is the centerpiece of your dinner table, where they will be torn to be pieces by an angry mob of hungry relatives. And this is where the idea of "free range being humane" falls apart.

What's worse: raising an animal for food - or raising an animal for food, but pretending you're not? The latter is actually crueler, because you're setting the bird up for a fall. He thinks life is unicorns and rainbows, and then you kill it. Keep the bird in a cage, and the prospect of death seems like a release. It's how I view my life currently, FYI.

But if you really feel strongly about their living conditions, then I suggest you adopt a turkey, where you not only raise, but bathe, massage and spoil your very own turkey. Take him to a day spa, give it a mud bath, and enliven its loins with a relaxing rubdown. And when you're done, let's see if he feels any happier when you're shoving a pound of stuffing up its rectum. I doubt it.

And if you disagree, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Size does Matter

So new research reveals that Pedophiles are shorter on average than men who are attracted to adults. The study looked at 1,200 men and found that Pedophiles are about 5 feet 9 inches tall, while non-offenders are just under 5 feet 10 inches tall. Apparently, size matters.

So I'm not five foot ten. I'm actually five foot six, in tasteful pumps. Does this make me a pedophile? I hope not, because I hate kids. I can barely tolerate poultry, which are like kids with little wings.

I find pedophiles to be despicable people - but this research stinks. It's an attack on short people like me who already face discrimination every time we try to look cool sitting on a bar stool with our feet dangling. Obviously the large majority of short people are not molesters - they're actors, and everyone knows they're too busy injecting butt fat into their lips to fiddle with kids.

Do I foresee a time when we will round up all short men and imprison them?

To save the children?

I hope not. I need room to roam! And really, it's tall people we really have to worry about. Did you ever have to sit behind a tall person at the movies? The fact is, being tall allows you to hide things on shelves that no one else can reach. Especially children. And if we really care about the children - then we should kill tall people.

And if you disagree with me you're worse than Hitler.

And Now---A Little Quiz

A little history lesson: If you don't know the answer make your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the answers. Who said it?

1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good." A. Karl Marx B. Adolph Hitler C. Joseph Stalin D. None of the above 2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the few, and for the few...and to replace it with shared responsibility for shared prosperity." A. Lenin B. Mussolini C. Idi Amin D. None of the Above 3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something has to be taken away from some people." A. Nikita Khrushev B. Jose f Goebbels C. Boris Yeltsin D. None of the above 4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common ground." A. Mao Tse Dung B. Hugo Chavez C. Kim Jong Il D. None of the above 5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed." A. Karl Marx B. Lenin C. Molotov D. None of the above 6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched." A. Pinochet B. Milosevic C. Saddam Hussein D. None of the above Answers: (1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004 (2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007 (3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007 (6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid!

Anything more beautiful than a Tree? YES -

So a judge is ordering protesters occupying an oak at Cal-Berkeley to make like a tree and leave, or wind up in jail. The protesters are pissed that the school plans to remove some trees to make way for an athletic center, something they'd never use because they don't allow feather boas on the track during meets.

The University is going to warn the human root rot of the court order by issuing them a notice. Ooooh a notice! Way to stick it to 'em Cal. Go Bears.

I love this story because it illustrates some essential truths about protesters.

One: They need to grow up. One of the protesters, David Galloway, is 36 years old. It's must be great for his parents to know that, as their son reaches middle age, he's living in a tree. And it's not even a tree house. He's more like a tree squatter.

Two, protesters don't really care about people or trees! You see, school officials have become increasingly worried about the amount of human waste coming from the oaks. Think about that! It's disgusting. Crap shouldn't grow on trees, and it shouldn't fall from them either. And I'm sure if these oaks could actually talk they would agree with me, and plead for a match.

Three, this is private property and these conduits for crabs have no right to be there. Imagine if some middle aged dude in a mesh tank top and torn culottes moved into a tree on your front yard. He'd be in the morgue before breakfast.

The fact is, the University was too scared to deal with this sooner - proof that the PC mindset is still alive and well in academia. Instead of handling these ass-hats with kid gloves, I say, taser them, and taser them often. If you won't do it for the students, then do it for the trees. And if you disagree with me you're worse than Hitler.

Coulter--

Ann Coulter has a new book. "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd be Republicans." Suggested subtitle ... "You Can't Fix Stupid."

I guess we now know just what sentence, paragraph or thought expressed in Coulter's book is going to be used by the MoveOn Democrat Party and the loony left in an attempt to demonize her.

Here's an excerpt from an interview with Ann Coulter by George Gurley. Here we find Coulter talking about women:

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women."

The left is sure to jump on this like a crow on a June bug. Thing is .... Coulter is exactly right. Don't take her word for it, just read "Freedomnomics" by John Lott. Here we have a renowned economist going all the way back to the late 1980s to see what happens when women get the vote. His findings? In every single case, when women were given the right to vote the cost of government immediately began to rise as women, particularly single women, started voting for the candidates who would create more government spending programs designed to provide women with security. That magic word .. .security.

Lott found that young single women overwhelmingly vote liberal. When they marry and start a family they start voting more conservatively. That would be because their sense of security is provided by their family, and they don't want government to interfere in their accumulation of wealth. Then, if that very same woman starts to feel that her marriage is threatened ... or if she becomes divorced ... she right back there voting for liberals again. Why? Security .. this time from the government instead of her husband.

Coulter is right. Deal with it.

If Hillary Clinton becomes (God forbid) the next president of this country, it will be on the vote of young single women and divorcees.

Student tasered in the mode of Jingess Khan

He rambled on and on without any semblance of logic or reason, drifting aimlessly from one subject to another, his words suggesting a deep-seated Christ complex if not a hint of outright dementia. Then Senator Kerry opened the floor to questions.

The very first student to take the microphone immediately pulled down his pants and whistled out of his sphincter until he was tackled to the ground by Bush's brownshirts.

"Please, let him finish," Kerry begged the jackbooted thugs, perhaps seeing a bit of himself in this brash young progressive. Indeed, the student's oratory, albeit a little rough around the edges, was just as impassioned as his historic Winter Soldier testimony 30 some years ago - and almost identical in content. If Kerry could only take the lad under his wing as Ted Kennedy once did for him, he could very well be a mentor to the next in a long line of flatulent senators from Massachusetts. But there was no convincing the pigs. No doubt on orders from Bush himself, they tasered the helpless lad and dragged him away, in all likelihood to some secret CIA torture chamber in Lithuania where he will be given lap dances in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan.

Anyhoo, John Kerry is in the news again and that means it's time to throw a couple more turds into the Fair Trade Gift Shop.

Usama's back with a new tape

So you've seen the latest message from our favorite goat-toucher Usama bin Laden. In it, he criticizes Americans for reelecting, instead of punishing, Bush, as well as harping on Democrats for not securing a retreat from Iraq. He also mentions global warming and praises Noam Chomsky, the patron saint of the left.

It was at this point, I thought I was listening to Keith Olbermann. That's when it dawned on me. Bin Laden isn't just a terrorist. He's worse. A liberal!

So, when one political party shares a war-time agenda with the guy who's trying to end your civilization, isn't it time to stop renewing Bill Maher's contract? I mean, if Usama wrote these sentiments on a job application, he could land a spot on the View.

You know, I didn't realize bin laden was following US politics that closely. He must watch the Daily Show. But the whole thing seems like Usama's latest video dating offer to America's left. "Lonely, bored goat-herder, into Jihad, mass murder, and figs, seeks fellow 'Progressive' for long term relationship. I enjoy long walks in the desert. And goats. Lets end western civilization together! (AND YES, THIS IS MY REAL BEARD!)

But there's a hint of desperation to all this. UBL is no longer calling for America's destruction. Now, he's begging us to leave the middle east. Which means, he's running out of hummus. It's clear he would love to call things "even" and check into the Yemen Hilton for a nice bath.

Just remember: only a man who's losing it quotes Chomsky. Usama's on the ropes. Let's keep him there. Until he's at the end of one.

Democrats invested in our demise

Finally the Bush Administration seems to be standing up and getting their side of the story told .. loudly.

Just two days ago Bush mentioned enemy casualty figures in the war against Islamic fascism. Up until now we've been pretty much limited to details on how many American soldiers were killed on any given day or month. Yesterday – finally – the president told the American people that this year our soldiers have been killing an average of 1,500 Islamic radicals a month. Good. Wish it were more. The American people need to know that our guys are doing their job ... sending these Muslim menaces to their final rewards.

Now we're getting some interesting details of an interview of National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell published in the El Paso Times. McConnell has disclosed some interesting new facts about how our courts have made it difficult to monitor conversations between terrorist suspects – even if they aren't in this country!

Some gems from the McConnell interview:

If you have an Islamic terrorist suspect in the Middle East talking to another Islamic fanatic in Indonesia .. and if that conversation goes through a switching station or some wire in the United States, then our intelligence agencies need to get a warrant to listen to what's being said. Come on now. Can you imagine anything more absurd? Neither of these Islamic goons are in this country, and neither of them have any Constitutional protections whatsoever. Neither of them are entitled to any due process under our laws ... yet our good guys have to get a freaking warrant to listen to what they're saying to each other?

Then there's the FISA court. FISA stands for Foreign Intelligence Secrecy Act. This is the super-secret court that is supposed to expedite warrants that allow our intelligence agencies to monitor conversations between Islamic terrorist suspects overseas and an individual in this country. How long does it take to get one of these warrants? Try 200 hours. That's 200 hours to get one warrant to monitor one telephone number. Is this how we fight the war against these Islamic fanatics?

Oh ... one more thing. Just how many people inside this country are currently being monitored because of their contacts with known terrorist suspects? Try 100. That's it. Just 100. This is what the Democrats have been screaming and rendering their garments over. Who the hell's side are they on, anyway?

Now we have a law ... a law for the next six months, anyway ... that gets our intelligence people around some of these problems. The Democrats have made it clear that they are going to do everything to kill that law as soon as they can.

And you want to trust these people with our security?

Let me know how that works out for you.

Rove is Responsible for Everything

While I was away on vacation visiting my prostate, Karl Rove, A.K.A. "ROVE--ZEBUB," the undisputed prince of darkness, destroyer of all that's holy, slayer of infants and puppies, enemy of freestyle rap, resigned. I suppose some people might see that as a coincidence, but not me, for I know that where there`s smoke, there`s fire.The left blames Rove for many things, but they stop just short of the truth. Rove timed his exit to coincide with my vacation because he wanted to avoid the flashlight of truth he knew I would cast on him if I hadn`t been playing strip Parcheesi with my Urologist.

Karl Rove, as you know, is an anagram for "ark lover." Which makes sense, when you notice the lack of government money invested in highways and bridges. Only a man who prefers to travel by ark would be so insensitive - so insensitive that during his stint working for George Herbert Walker Bush's 1980's vice presidential bid - there were EIGHT major plane crashes. I have noted this before: This is no coincidence for someone who benefits directly from the production of arks. What if I were to tell you that one of the planes was a DC-10, which crashed in Mexico City. Which is in Mexico. HOME TO MEXICANS. Is this no surprise, since Bush is meeting with the President of Mexico this week? Certainly not for Rove, who as I speak, is placing an order for chalupas. 14 million of them, actually.

But wait, it gets worse, people. I wrote about this two years ago: In 1993, when Rove began advising George w. Bush's gubernatorial campaign, almost immediately, Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall died. Rove probably did a little Pirouette - not unlike something Rudolf Nureyev might have done, if he also hadn't had died that year. Rove had only been at it for a year, and already a black and a Russian had died.

Rove's favorite drink?

You guessed it: a Black Russian.

So why did Rove resign last week? Obviously it was to deflect attention from a bigger story. That of David Beckham. Why is he here? Well, the official story would have us believe it is to play "soccer," for something called the Los Angeles Galaxy. While the country fixates on Beckams biceps, we took our eyes off the real ball - and that is Posh Spice, who is currently planning a Spice Girls Reunion. The reunion is stretching across the globe, much like "blue-ear" pig disease, which is already destroying hundreds of thousands of swine in China.

Only one person on the planet could have orchestrated this sequence of events....and that is Karl Rove, who's favorite breakfast meat - don't you know - is bacon.

Which, as you know, comes from pigs.

Well, I`m not going to stand idle while this man is allowed to keep monkeying with global affairs. I`ve set a trap for him, in my basement. I`ve painted it to look like a Taco Bell, and I`ve set a cage above a mound of freshly fried bacon with an entrance through the gararge. When I catch him, the left will have to find something else to do with their time, now that they will no longer have Rove to blame for everything wrong with the world.

I suggest Scott Baio. He's 45 and single. What's that about? Do you think Chachi is----ya know. Or how about Woodrow Wilson? No one ever talks about him. Two words: free ride.

Left on Hollywood Blvd.

According to the New York Post, the only member of the Hollywood elite they know who is backing a Republican is Kelsey Grammar, who's giving money to Guliani. I always liked Frazier. The rest of Hollywood, from Ben Stiller and Toby Maguire to Speilberg and Streisand are chucking their wealth at the Democrats.

Why do nearly all Hollywood actors and actresses act like sheep? I pin it on the thirst for fame, which is based on an insatiable need for approval. It's what draws people to Hollywood. And it's this same craving that drives people to become liberals. When one becomes a liberal, he or she advocates tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, is doing so for purely selfish reasons. It's the human equivalent of a puppy's face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. Also, like puppies, many liberals go number one on the floor when they're nervous. In short, liberalism is based on one desire: to look cool in order to get approval. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler than saying something like, "please lower my taxes," which personally gets me hot, but did nothing for my E-harmony Profile.

This is why the only true form of rebellion left on this planet is rejecting the trademark forms of romantic rebellion like anarchy, activism, nipple rings or tribal tattoos. The anti-rebel is far more subversive because every day he or she says things that aren't sanctioned and certainly aren't considered cool among the media elite.This is why Dick Cheney is closer to the Hell's Angels than Hunter S. Thompson ever could be. And why Jon Stewart is about as daring as a diaper filled with Nilla Wafers.Which, by the way, is not very daring. Or comfortable, for that matter.

Hanoi Jane set the table, and the left still eats the big one.

Even when war is good, it's bad. And when it's bad it's hell.

Case in point – former NFL player Pat Tillman was killed in battle. Worse, he was the victim of friendly fire. Even worse, his investigation was mishandled and messy, probably due a general panic over killing a well-known hero. But what can be worse than that? How about the left using Tillman's tragic death for political gain?

What kills me is that the left, as a rule, holds folks in the military in contempt--They think that the troops are ignorant pawns trained to kill. But if a patriot can be used to undermine the very beliefs or institutions he himself tried to protect, then the left embraces him. That's what's happening with Tillman.

On some leftwing blogs, idiots like to note that Tillman was a fan of Noam Chomsky, an intensely anti-American sociopath who believes terrorists are right. They claim that Tillman was scheduled to meet Chomsky, and that he was an outspoken Bush critic who planned to vote for John Kerry. The point of all this? To bolster their conspiracy theory that Tillman was killed, and his death covered up, to silence his anti-war views.

Of course they would believe this – because that's something Joseph Stalin and Chairman Mao would have done – two leaders our contemporary left admire deeply. The fact is, the left would go to great lengths to silence their dissenters, and so they assume everyone else would do the same.

So, a man is dead in an enterprise called war. He volunteered and fought valiantly. For the left to use him to score points against their own political enemies make them the lowest form of scum on earth, right there with terrorists, bombers and people who wear sandals to work. If you disagree with me, I'll see you in my backyard this weekend. I'll be the guy wearing an NVA (North Vietnamese Regular) uniform with a hole cut in the back.

Terror and Hate Crime in New York

Almost 6 years after Bush read a story about a little girl to his pet goat, New York has once again fallen victim to an unspeakable act of terror. This time, the dark forces of hate and intolerance have struck the quiet campus of Pace University, where a paperback copy of the Holy Quran was founding floating in public toilet like one of Grampa's unflushed turds.

School authorities were ready to just write the whole thing off as an act of "vandalism" and forget about it, until a group of courageous Muslim Students stepped forward to demand they behead the Jew who committed this terrible Hate Crime - or any Jew, for that matter. To allow such and egregious insult to the Religion of Peace go unpunished risked a Muslim Blacklash, and leaders of the Muslim Community could not be held responsible for any violence or bloodshed they'd personally incite should the school refuse to act.

So without a moment more of hesitation, a campuswide manhunt was launched and the vile hate-criminal was brought to justice. The Muslim Community will sleep soundly tonight knowing that one Stanislav Shmulevich is behind bars. Thanks to New York's progressive legislation against Hate Crimes, he'll be facing up to 4 years in prison for tossing a Koran into the crapper.

Unlike the 2,000 year-old book of fairy tales known as "The Bible", the Holy Quran is sacred to the followers of Islam and must be treated with respect, never mishandled nor mutilated, and always carefully left at the bar where you get your lap dances the night before you plow a plane full of screaming passengers into a skyscraper. So Pace University officials ask that in the future, students wishing to exercise their First Amendment right Free Speech confine themselves to burning U.S. flags or smearing feces on the Virgin Mary.

Going Green with logic

HOW TO SAVE THE EARTH, ONE HUMAN AT A TIME

Many of our most thoughtful environmentalists are telling us that our planet is
facing an unfathomable calamity. The combination of unbridled overpopulation and increasing greenhouses gases puts us on a path to destroy Mother Earth - unless we do something now. Two of the major suggestions to prevent such disaster were unveiled this week: in England, scientists suggested creating compulsory restriction on family sizes, to reduce the global population. Meanwhile researchers in Japan suggest an end to eating meat, since the environmental cost of a few pounds of beef is responsible for more
pollution than driving a car for three hours.

I have examined this problem closely and realize there is a simple answer to this dilemma. If overpopulation and consumption of animals cause major harm to our planet, then we can simply eradicate both threats through cannibalism.

Let's eat each other.

Like acupuncture and Yoga, cannibalism has been around for many centuries. And as you know, we are willing to embrace anything associated with ancient, spiritual cultures. And believe me, you can't get much more ancient or spiritual than a self-consuming practice that protects animals while paying tribute to our lovely planet. What I'm talking about is a healing process for the earth.

But in a pot.

With carrots and maybe some spring potatoes.

Because in order to embrace modern environmentalism, you must reject any exceptionalism about humanity, or any possibility that something good might come from creating more people.

So dig in. I suggest we start with Al Gore. He's got some meat on those bones!

Hildabeast

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who recently dazzled Black audiences with her Stepin Fetchit plantation slave impersonation, will grow back her trademark monobrow for the first ever Gay Debates next month. In addition, she plans to sport a traditional Wayne Newton haircut, along with a lovely L.L. Bean flannel pantsuit with matching Gucci combat boots.

While her debate strategy is sure to draw ridicule from the hatemongering homophobes of the Religious Right, Hillary hopes her transformation will send a message to Queer voters that she cares about issues that are important to the Gay Community, issues that typically make less open-minded people want to hide their children or heave all over themselves.

"People like that Manpig and his Merry Band of Breeders in the White House," Hillary whistled through her brand new tongue piercing while menacingly waving a rubber dildo at reporters Tuesday.

Not to be outdone, Senator Barack Obama will bond with Gay voters by donning a feather boa and strutting around the stage at the debates. John Edwards justs plans to be himself.

SATIRE ALERT

Al-Queda is reported to have its strength back!!!!

Despite the Bush junta's attempts to keep it buried, a recently obtained classified report confirms that Al Qaeda's strength has returned to pre-9/11 levels. Osama Bin Laden is on the loose, the Taliban has retaken control of Afghanistan, and terrorists are poised to strike the West.

In other words, things are pretty much the way Bill Clinton left them.

It's understandable then why Repugs wouldn't want this infiormation to come to light: it contradicts everything they've been saying since they stole their way into power. All their yammering about duct tape and visqueen and weapons of mass destruction was simply a ploy to control us with fear. Thank Goddess their lies have finally been exposed. We can all sleep soundly tonight knowing that in spite of Bush's best efforts, the so-called "terrorist threat" warrants about as much attention today that President Clinton gave it when he was in charge.

So there's a new study that says muscular young men tend to have more sex partners than men with less muscles. The research suggests muscles in dudes are like tail feathers in male peacocks: They attract females.

This makes sense - with the exception of abdominal muscles. I HATE people with abdominal muscles, and you should too. I once had abs so I know abs are pointless. The people who have abs only have them to let you know that they have them. It's like a Porsche made of flesh. Except, unlike the car, abs don't actually take you anywhere. Men who obsess over their abs offer nothing to society. I see them in the park and on the beach... always touching their stomachs, as if to remind themselves of their only identifiable trait. Worse, these twerps always strip off to show off their prized possessions. Company picnic? Off comes the shirt. Bowling night? Why not? Dad's funeral? He would have wanted it that way.

Men with abs aren't really men, but women with penis's. Did Winston Churchill have abs? Did Ronald Reagan have abs? Does Jack Nicholson have abs? No, no, and God no. Fact is, abs have become symbolic of what I call "reverse achievement." The more there is of it, the less you've actually done with your life.

Abs are no longer a mark of natural fitness - instead they are an 'ass badge'. If you're bearing abs, then you're probably an ass. Men will see how vain you are and dismiss you. And while a woman may find your abs initially attractive, soon she'll wonder if you care more about them than her. You do.

And yes, it's been about a year since I did crunches and ab work at the gym. I go to the god-damned gym every day but I'm old and the ab work is a killer that I have now rationalized I don't have to do because no woman cares if my old ass has a flat stomach. Oh Yea--I know I should work my abs -- even at my age--but you know what??????

Kiss my ass-badge!

FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING WITH A ROCK CONCERT IS LIKE FIGHTING OBESITY WITH A HOT DOG-EATING CONTEST*

For years, fear mongers have been telling us carbon dioxide emissions caused by our use of energy have created a greenhouse effect that's warming the planet at a rapid and dangerous rate. Yet these people are not the least bit concerned about the amount of carbon and useless hot air that will be spewed into the heavens as a direct result of Live Earth.

The energy needed to power the site of just one venue -- there will be at least seven -- will be enormous. Matt Helders, the perspicacious drummer for the English rock group Arctic Monkeys, which will not be playing at any of the sites, noted that the stage lighting alone will burn "enough power for 10 houses."

The stars can't be expected to walk or bike to the venues, so there's all the jetting around, and it adds up. On their last world tour, Live Earth participant Red Hot Chili Peppers belched 220 tons of CO2 into the skies from their private jet over six months, according to the London Daily Mail. That's more than 20 times what an average person in the developed world will emit in a year.

And don't forget all the gas-guzzling trucks needed to transport the equipment and fume-exhaling buses that idle stage-side, keeping the rock heroes cool as they await their moments in the sun.

Then there's all the garbage that will be generated by the admiring crowds. Two years ago, the Live 8 concert in London produced 150 tons of trash, which had to be picked up and hauled away by vehicles that burn carbon-based fuel.

Oh, and did we mention that General Motors, a multinational company that builds those greenhouse gas-belching contraptions that worry the environmentalists so much, is a sponsor on NBC's overwrought coverage?

Tony Blair---we miss you already

Gordon Brown----Pantload

Gordon Brown (England’s new Prime Minister –for those of you who are University of Florida grads) has banned ministers from using the word "Muslim" in connection with the terrorism crisis.

The Prime Minister has also instructed his team -- including new Home Secretary Jacqui Smith -- that the phrase "war on terror" is to be dropped.

The shake-up is part of a fresh attempt to improve community relations and avoid offending Muslims, adopting a more "consensual" tone than existed under Tony Blair.

Problem solved!

I recommend calling them "silly geese" instead. Then we'll all have a good laugh, and these guys will say pshaw and fiddlesticks to those dopey old car-bombs. Yay Buddy!

As if language will make them (radical Mohamed freaks) more civil. Sheesh!

And don't expect a newspaper to use the word "Muslim" in the very first paragraph of a story about Muslims who are trying to kill people, unless the story is about how we're not supposed to use that word. Despite the fact that it's the thing that ties these terrorists together. In fact, if you ask them, they'll tell you that their religion is the reason they're doing it. But if you point that out, you're some sort of racist. You might hurt somebody's feelings! Not to be vulgar or obscene, but Gordon Brown is an idiot. Although one must consider him an important idiot. Nevertheless, he’s still and idiot.

What now?

Whenever a terror attempt fails - the immediate debate divides into two opposing beliefs: one that makes sense, and one that's just plain nuts.

The sensible one is that terrorism is our biggest threat, and we must eliminate it completely.

The nutty one is that the terror threat has been exaggerated. And we're dealing with incompetents. Worse, our overblown reaction has done more harm than good.

But does it matter who is right? As a government, you must protect your citizens, regardless.

Look at it this way:

-If the terror is real, then you continue destroying all terror cells. And, if possible, take out Sean Penn's camper as collateral damage. If the threat turns out to be exaggerated, you lose nothing, except some time spent at airport security, and maybe your shampoo.

-If the second idiotic belief is right, and there is no terror threat, then you relax security measures and reduce assaults on terror cells. But, here's the deal: if your instincts are wrong, you end up with many thousands of US citizens dead. That's not a good thing, even if you're Rosie O'Donnell.

So the only solution to the terror problem - regardless of how large or small you believe the threat to be - is to relentlessly capture and kill terrorists and remove every speck of al qaeda from this planet.

That, and deporting Danny Glover to Venezuela.

Torture

British authorities say that they have all the key suspects in custody. Which is great. But what do you do with them now? To assist in hunting down and then killing the masterminds of these and other terror attempts, my suggestion rhymes with "torture."

Because it is "torture." I know, I know. Torture's wrong because it's mean and it's hurtful. But that's the point. Torture is supposed to scare the be-Jesus out of you, even if you have no be-Jesus in you. My guess it also can also scare the be-Mohammed out of you.

To paraphrase John Lennon, give torture a chance.

But first we need to define "torture." Torture is wrong, evil and sadistic -- which is why it works so well on wrong, evil and sadistic people. It's a universal language, like a hug. Or rather, a really painful hug that nearly squeezes the life out of you!

And, one man's torture can be another man's delight. I'm sure some people think the current living conditions at Gitmo is torture. Not me. The idea of being isolated for 23 hours a day, with only one hour of sunlight, is heaven to me. I'm easily entertained, and enjoy talking to myself. And some would agree, having me placed away from people, might be great for all of us.

What of interrogation and sleep deprivation? Is that torture? No. That was my childhood. Cavity searches? Bring it on. It's been so long, really. I'll take what I can get.

Do you really want to know what torture is?

No more Gilmore Girls. Anyone showing me pictures of their cats. Watching a bartender make a mojito while you're waiting to order a drink. Mojitos take forever to make, even though they're just booze mixed with hedge clippings. Who wants to drink hedge clippings?

Answer: not me.

And not you either.