Wednesday, July 04, 2007


British authorities say that they have all the key suspects in custody. Which is great. But what do you do with them now? To assist in hunting down and then killing the masterminds of these and other terror attempts, my suggestion rhymes with "torture."

Because it is "torture." I know, I know. Torture's wrong because it's mean and it's hurtful. But that's the point. Torture is supposed to scare the be-Jesus out of you, even if you have no be-Jesus in you. My guess it also can also scare the be-Mohammed out of you.

To paraphrase John Lennon, give torture a chance.

But first we need to define "torture." Torture is wrong, evil and sadistic -- which is why it works so well on wrong, evil and sadistic people. It's a universal language, like a hug. Or rather, a really painful hug that nearly squeezes the life out of you!

And, one man's torture can be another man's delight. I'm sure some people think the current living conditions at Gitmo is torture. Not me. The idea of being isolated for 23 hours a day, with only one hour of sunlight, is heaven to me. I'm easily entertained, and enjoy talking to myself. And some would agree, having me placed away from people, might be great for all of us.

What of interrogation and sleep deprivation? Is that torture? No. That was my childhood. Cavity searches? Bring it on. It's been so long, really. I'll take what I can get.

Do you really want to know what torture is?

No more Gilmore Girls. Anyone showing me pictures of their cats. Watching a bartender make a mojito while you're waiting to order a drink. Mojitos take forever to make, even though they're just booze mixed with hedge clippings. Who wants to drink hedge clippings?

Answer: not me.

And not you either.