Merry Christmas

It's a Mr. Stick Figure (and Friends) Christmas!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Right on, bro. Merry Christmas.

Merriest of Christmas to you, folks.

Issue one! Now that Rummy is out...

Lighten up, McBlowhard, it's Christmas.

Oh, all right. Resolved: Merriment this Christmas is a metaphysical certitude.

Folks, Joe Scarborough here, and, you know, when I was a freshman in congress 12 years ago...

Can't you carry on normal conversation? It's Christmas!

Merry Christmas, folks. Merry American Christmas, that is.

WTF??

Governor Dean, do you believe that Christmas is indeed merry?

Too soon to tell, Tim.

What's that supposed to mean?

Merry Christmas, Rick.

Stick.

Whatever.

I actually thought Christmas was merry before I thought it wasn't.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, then it was a botched joke.

What about all the conservatives who botch Christmas greetings?

Like who?

I'd like to answer that, but it looks like we're up against a hard break.

No we're not.

Oh. Well...ummm...

Merry Christmas, Mr. Stick Figure.

Right back atcha, Wolfmeister.

You're in The Situation Room.

No I'm not!

Ooooooh. Yes, Merry Christmas, Mr. Stick Figure.

Merry Christmas to all.

I don't know that last fellow personally, but I must say, I've never heard a more profound, succinct, eloquent holiday greeting in my entire life.

You can say that again.

All right, I will - I have never heard...Oops.

I've never heard a more profound, succinct, eloquent holiday greeting in my entire life.

...

Merry Christmas, Mr. Stick Figure.

Are you talking to that Stick Figure guy?

Yeah.

Don't forget to wish him a merry Christmas.

I won't.

HEY HEY. HO HO. MERRY CHRISTMAS HAS GOT TO GO! HEY HEY...

Knock it off!

Macaca Christmas everybody!

Don't you mean "merry?"

Oh, right - merry macaca, everybody!

*Sigh*

Merry Christmas, John!

Merry Christmas, Mr. Stick Figure.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Happy Kazchankaistmas

Christmas Survival Tips

Two shopping days left until the Winter Solstice, and despite our best efforts to suck every last ounce of joy out of the holiday season there are still some Christians out there who insist on turning Christmas into one big religious hoorah. It’s therefore incumbent upon us as progressives to take whatever steps necessary to not only protect the sacred Wall Between Church and State from such proselytizing fanatics, but our impressionable children from the soft bigotry of Christian imagery.

So before I crawl under the sink for the remainder of the holiday, I’d like to leave you with a few quick tips that will help defend you and yours against the cultural disease known as Christmas.

• When distributing free condoms and gay pride literature outside your local elementary school, educate the little tots about how the bourgeois concept of “Santa Claus” is merely a construct of the global capitalist plutocracy to exploit the primitive social-psychological consumptive impulses of the sheep like masses. Oh, and the Easter Bunny killed their mommy.

• You’ll be the life of the holiday party while making a powerful political statement if you whack yourself in the knee with a ballpein hammer and scream like a girl whenever someone mentions “Christmas”.

• Insensitive holiday yard displays are infuriating at best, but their sting is lessened if all cultures are equally represented. As an acknowledgment that we live in a big, multicultural village, demand your neighbors place the severed head of an infidel next to their plastic nativity scenes.

• Progressives have made great strides in silencing the infamous Salvation Army bell ringers, but they still smile and offer you warm wishes for the holiday season. Contact your local chapter of the ACLU to see what can be done to stop them. Nothing cures a case of yuletide cheer like a well-crafted harassment lawsuit.

• For many Americans, Christmas is a time to reunite with family members and loved ones. But for others, it’s just another reminder of their lonely, fruitless existence. That’s not really a tip. It’s just something I needed to get off my chest.

• Four words: Boogers in the Eggnog.

• Christmas isn’t only about Baby Jesus. Refuse to reward carolers with any tofu or soymilk until they honor MARKAZHI POOJ with a recital of the Thiruvembavai . Offer to provide the traditional brightly painted squirrels.

• Inflatable Frosty ain’t so tough. Show him who’s boss!

TESTING--one two three---

On this radioactive subject of profiling, please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following simple multiple choice test. These are actual violent events from past history. Do you remember?

1) In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:

a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. A Muslim male extremist between the age of 17 and 40

2) In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:

a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3) In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:

a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4) During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5) In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6) In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:

a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7) In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver
trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:

a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8.) In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9) In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:

a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10) In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’ s women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11) On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to
take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into
the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers.
Thousands of people were killed by:

a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12) In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:

a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13) In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:

a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

Florida's Mr. Putzarama goes Chamberlain

And Now, Historic Photo Ops With Senator Bill Nelson

"Fan-tastic!"

WTF, d00d?

In a direct affront to the Bush administration, a Democratic United States senator spent an hour Wednesday with Syrian President Bashar Assad in Damascus, asking him to do more to stabilize Iraq.

Senator Bill Nelson, a member of the Armed Services and Foreign Relations committees, met with Assad after the State Department said that it disapproved of his trip.

"...so I decided to go with the middle-eastern motif."

Well, at least he didn't come away empty-handed:

"President Assad has clearly indicated a willingness to cooperate."

Indicated a willingness? Wow! Now, that's historic, baby!

Sheesh!

THE KATRINA DISASTER .... WHO'S FAULT?

Are you starting to get an idea just why the people of New Orleans were so messed up by Katrina? Are you starting to understand that most of the problems were of their doing, not the fault of FEMA or George Bush?

This idiots down there have reelected William Jefferson as their congressman. This is the crook that was found with $90,000 in cash in his freezer, cash that is believed to have come from a $100,000 bribe he took. He is most likely headed to an indictment in the next few months, and these idiots voted him back in office.

Now we know that a huge portion, perhaps a majority of the people who live in this congressional district are completely lacking in any sense of right-and-wrong. It's a welfare district and Jefferson delivered the goods ... both to himself and his district. It should come as no surprise at all that people who would send a crook like this back to congress would be unable to care for themselves in the face of a hurricane.

Nazi Trees Assault Jewish Man at Seattle Airport

Hate-fuelled violence erupted at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport last weekend when an innocent Rabbi was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of festively decorated confers.

Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky’s visit to Sea-Tac was meant to honor the rich Hanukkah custom of placing the sacred Menorah in areas that reek of urine and dirty socks. Instead, the Rabbi was brutally assaulted by a pair of Douglas Firs. As a crowd of shoeless onlookers watched helplessly, the elaborately decorated trees held him down while a tinsel-clad Blue Spruce repeatedly punched him in the liver. A colorful arrangement of Poinsettias then tossed the rabbi down a moving escalator while flashing the Nazi salute and shouting anti-semitic slogans. Airport security arrived, if only moments too late, arresting six Holiday Trees and a small Rhododendron who referred to a female officer as “Sugar Tits”.

Rabbi Bogomilsky is listed in serious but stable condition at Seattle’s Harborview Medical Center. Two Mexican landscapers armed with pruning shears are stationed outside his door at this very moment to protect him from any further attacks from brightly festooned shrubbery. The Port of Seattle hastily removed all the holiday decorations from the airport and announced plans to install “Diversity Kiosks”, where visitors can enjoy a variety of nine-dollar beers in a welcoming environment of multicultural bliss while a mentally-challenged Lithuanian rummages through their luggage.

All the usual hate-radio suspects are making light of last weekend’s tragedy, but the incident is a perfect example of the terrible threats minority Americans face on a daily basis from coniferous trees adorned with sparkly lights, or any other symbols of the Holiday season, Christian and secular.

Geemaninny!!!!!!

Open your window and scream

These are trying times for rational people. The world seems upside down.

Cowards get medals for bravery. Surrender is defined as victory. Graybeards behave like twitchy teenagers and project reason onto evil enemies who are unreasonable to their core. America, the greatest force for good in the world, is derided as the great Satan, with American media and academia leading the chant.

What to do? I say open the window, fill your lungs with righteous outrage, throw your head back, open your throat and unleash the primal scream. It's therapeutic. And you'll need it to survive Kofi Annan's exit from the stage, which will no doubt be treated with media reverence.

The shameless hack dares point the finger at the United States (Bush, really) for lacking in accountability.

[pause for scream]

Yes, this is the same Kofi Annan who:

• had 90 days advance knowledge of the Rwanda genocide and did nothing
• presided over the biggest financial scandal in history, Oil for Food, which enriched Kofi's son, assorted pals and Saddam Hussein. This allowed the latter to flip the bird at the UN and prolong the suffering of Iraq's people.
• had UN Peace Keepers in Congo raping women and trading food aid for sexual favors
• presided over a UN that has done nothing to stop genocide in Darfur
• has done nothing to stop the destruction of Zimbabwe
• incompetently prevented the ethnic cleansing of 8,000 mena and boys in Srebrenica from being stopped. The Dutch soldiers who were part of the UN protective force, who let the Serbs take the men away and shoot them, were recently honored for their service.

Accountability? Saddam Hussein mocked the UN's gas bags for 12 years because there was no such thing as accountability -- until George W. Bush forced the issue.

When the tsunami wreaked destruction on millions, the UN mobilized its mouth. Bush sped aircraft carriers with food, medicine and fresh water to the scene and saved thousands of lives. That's accountability.

Kofi is just sore because Bush exposed him as the glib eunuch that he is.

When Bush addressed the UN General Assembly in 2002, it was the UN's chance to put up or shut up. They didn't put up. God knows, Kofi will never shut up.

So, go ahead, scream.

It may seem silly----but think about it. --- Satire Alert

Iraq Study Group Launches Run for the Presidency

Iraq Study Group co-chair, James Baker, pushing flapjacks in Iowa

Frustrated that its recommendations have not been accepted and implemented by President Bush after nearly twenty-seven hours, the Iraq Study Group filed documents with the Federal Election Commission today to create a presidential campaign committee.

"The media sent a clear message yesterday," said former Secretary of State James Baker, speaking on behalf of the group. "Our press conference was carried live on every major network, all of the cable news networks, and even on MSNBC. Whatever President Bush is doing, they want leaders who will do the opposite, and that's exactly what we intend to do."

ISG co-chair Lee Hamilton, former congressman, vice chairman of the 9/11 Commission and former member of the Hart-Rudman Commission and Baker-Hamilton Commission to Investigate Certain Security Issues at Los Alamos added, "I've spoken with reporters, anchor persons and producers from all over New York, and every one of them has told me they're fed up with state of press conferences in this country today. The members of this commission have a long history with the press in this town," he continued, "so when we're in the White House, there will be a lot more inside jokes at our pressers - the kind they actually get."

The group said it will begin touring Iowa next week, where they will be giving away autographed copies of their report. "We think we'll do well in Iowa," said Baker. "Iowans know that we can study just about anything, and then follow up with reports that contain buttloads of recommendations . What more do you need in a leader? I mean, leaders."

In a separate press conference in which members held by members of the 9/11 Commission announced the formation of their own exploratory committee, former New Jersey Governor and Commission Chairman Thomas Kean asked, "Does anyone know where the hell Lee is?"

Fox cancels OJ's show----- but---------

OJ Simpson's Hypothetical Cell Mate Writes Book About How He Would Hypothetically Rape Him

The shocking news that O.J. Simpson is going public with a book and interview about how he could have hypothetically killed Nicole Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman in 1995 has drawn scorn and revulsion from many who are convinced the former football star is benefiting financially from a murder he actually did commit.

And in another strange twist, this reporter has learned that a prisoner at the California State Penitentiary, Cletis Tallywhacker, is penning a short novela about how he would have hypothetically raped O.J. Simpson if he had been his hypothetical cellmate.

Simpson's Novel is titled If I Did It while Tallywhacker's book is called If I Could Get Me Some Hall Of Fame Running Back Booty.

According to prison officials, Tallywhacker has long been obsessed with Simpson, and killed several other prisoners in rage when O.J. was acquitted and his hopes for intimacy with him were dashed. They are hoping that the book is an outlet.

"There's no harm in our prisoners playing out their fantasies in writing," said Prison Warden Hal Souder. "And I'm thrilled that Mr. Tallywhacker has accurately depicted our guards ignoring Mr. Simpson's pleas for help. Hypothetically, of course."

Ft. Harrison news flash

Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Wedding Vows

Following is a transcript of the Cruise/Holmes wedding ceremony, exclusive to TNOYF.

Fellow Beings, we are gathered together here in the presence of the Supreme Being, with the required three cats, 2 combs, and one unopened jar of raspberry preserves, to join together these two life forms in an ectoplasmic union that will bring equilibrium to the time space continuum and the Ph balance in the soil surrounding the remains of L. Ron Hubbard. Before we begin, if any person can show just cause why these two may not be existentially fused – let them indicate their opposition with the customary wing flap of the grieving pelican.

Marriage is the fusion of man and woman in an arc triangle of interdependent understanding. It is also the only way to keep our spleens functioning properly. But most importantly, marriage is a commitment where by Tom and Katie agree
to embrace the dream of Scientology through regular attendance at our Advanced Cleaning Courses, as well as listening closely to their Grape Nuts for the secret messages from Xenu.

Tom, do you take Katie to be your loving avatar? To respect her, and not use your super human power of invisibility to deceive her? Do you promise to rid her of thetans, and provide weekly trips to the Mother Ship for re-programming?

And Katie, do you take Tom to be your supreme being? To bear him psychologically-sound offspring? Do you promise to bear no resentment against him for your parents, who at this moment, in a room nearby, are reaching higher levels of understanding thanks to the Electropsychometer?

I now pronounce you a conjoined life form. You may meld.

Do Tell

SUDDENLY IRAN IS DANGEROUS

So .. Ted Koppel produced a television special telling us how dangerous Iran is! Ted's not alone here. Open the pages of almost any newspaper or news magazine and you'll see stories of the grave threat being posed by Iran.

Let me see if I get this straight. Iran is a threat. A grave threat. Iraq was not.

Let's look at the scorecard. A partial scorecard, to be sure .. but we can at least touch the surface here and try to gain some understanding.

Nuclear capabilities. Iraq was developing nuclear capabilities long before Iran. Thankfully, Israel set them back a bit.

Nuclear weapons. Iran says they aren't developing these weapons. We now know that Iraq was.

Use of WMDs. Iraq has used them. There is no evidence that Iran has.

Invading sovereign nations. Iraq has. Iran hasn't.

Mad Leaders. Iran and Iraq can claim this.

OK .. I just guess that I find it a bit odd that right after the Democrats take control of the Congress we're hearing so much about how much of a threat to peace Iran presents. Oh .. don't get me wrong. I agree! Iran must be dealt with ... but when you look at the scorecard, can't it be said that Iraq needed to be dealt with also?

So .. what was our big mistake in Iraq? Removing Saddam Hussein, or daring to try to provide to the people of Iraq a democratically elected government that would protect their freedoms instead of murdering them?

Pelosi's first day

Steny Hoyer: Magnanimous In Victory

"Hey Nancy, Jack - I got your votes right here"

Well, at least Pelosi and Murtha can take solace in the fact that it was close. Oh, wait - no, it wasn't.

149-86

UPDATE:

"How many of these did you get? Was it 86? I can't remember."

UPDATE II:

"I got 149, did you know that? Just checking."

UPDATE III:

"Steny, I think you might be off by one vote."

"One vote, you say?"

"Yes, one."

"Well, I couonted them off on my fingers, but let me double-check my math."

"No, I was right - 149-86."

"All right, thanks for checking."

"No problem. See you soon, Madame Speaker."

"Right, see you soon."

"*Ahem*"

"Leader...Hoyer."

"I like the sound of that."

SATIRE ALERT

The Swiftboating of Jack Murtha

If we’ve learned anything from the annual jingo-rama known as “Veteran’s Day”, it’s that Americans are too quick to bestow "hero" status upon any uneducated moron who puts on a uniform and fights for his country. Anybody can pick up a gun and shoot someone, but true heroism comes from having the raw courage to sell out your fellow soldiers as well as the American People in order to obtain the power necessary to help them – whether they like it or not. A few such heroic individuals come to mind: Scott Ritter, Janis Karpinski, John Kerry, Benedict Arnold, and Rep. John “Jack” Murtha.

When a couple of nameless Sunni sock merchants informed him that a platoon of Marines went a wild shooting rampage, gleefully killing scores of innocent Iraqi civilians and blowing up a baby milk factory as hundreds of babies were being milked, Murtha didn’t waste any time waiting for an “investigation”, “evidence”, or other pointless distractions such as the Marines’ own version of events. In a display of unblinking honesty one usually only witnesses from members of Al-Qaeda, he quickly branded the Marines as “war criminals” and called for a Phased Redeployment of all U.S. forces. NOT a "retreat" – and right-wingers are only encouraging the terrorists by insisting on calling it that – but a phased redeployment, godammit! A PHASED REDPLOYMENT!! To “retreat” is to flee the battlefield with one’s tail tucked between his legs. “Phased Redeployment”, on the other hand, is simply taking your ball and going to Okinawa, where the REAL terrorists are. That’s the Marine Corp spirit that Jack Murtha personifies, and the reason he deserves to be House Majority Leader under the esteemed leadership of Nancy Pelosi, as well as Secretary of Defense under President Hillary if Cindy Sheehan should ever be unable to fulfill her duties. I’m sure he’ll ride all their skirts to victory - much to the dismay of right-wing chickenhawks who are furiously trying to "swiftboat" him, as I like to call it.

Yes, the Lying Liars of Lies are digging up ABSCAM, a 26-year old FBI sting operation in which a Republican congressman and five others (whose party affiliations are unimportant) were indicted for accepting cash in exchange for political favors. Iron Guts Murtha told them in no uncertain terms that he’d have to take a rain check on that there bribe, and Democrats in congress took measures to insure that the FBI never pulled a McCarthyist stunt like that again. It's all is ancient history, and the Repugs are merely using Murtha’s own actions to besmirch his character.

If anything, ABSCAM only proves that Murtha is willing to go to any lengths necessary to serve the People who put him in power, even if it means screwing over the ones who elected him. That’s what being a Democrat - and a "hero" - is all about!

Feedback from the Liberal Constituancy,

Caribou Sour On Dem Agenda

Guest Editorial-

by John Q. Caribou

I have been watching the unfolding of political events in the lower forty-eight with a great deal of concern. As many of you no doubt are aware, one of the main planks of the Democratic platform has been and continues to be the prevention of drilling for oil in the ANWAR region of Alaska.

Ostensibly this is being done, according to new speaker Nancy Pelosi and others, to "protect the environment" and "save the caribou". Interesting. I am in fact a caribou. All of my friends are caribou. None of us has ever been approached by anyone asking our thoughts about the notion of drilling in ANWAR. Which, according to our internal polls, is supported by over 97% of caribou.

I can already hear the rebuttals from the left:

"But John, how can you support drilling in Alaska? It will destroy the pristine beauty of the wilderness!" If by "pristine" you mean "Godforsaken death tundra" then I agree. And by the way, last time I checked, none of you f***-biscuits were actually living in this "pristine" land.

"But John the oil might spill!" Good!! That might add a little taste to the damn snow we eat 24/7! Do you know what else caribou in this part of Alaska eat Ms. Pelosi? We eat our own turds. Do you know what we nosh on when we get sick of our own turds and want a little variety? We eat our friend's turds. Think on that when you are sitting in your uppity Bay Area cafe pretentiously preaching about what my people want.

"But John, some of my best friends are caribou!" Right. And I often slather my kids in honey and have the local brown bears babysit them.

Maybe, Ms. Pelosi, you can lend us some of that heavy machinery that you obviously employ to keep your face off of your neck, so that the American people and their caribou friends to the north will both benefit.

Can yuou say Ab-Scam?

John Murtha Gets Down to Business as House Majority Leader

I know what you want, and I'm not going to bullsh*t you - I can get it done for you.

After all, I'm the G*d-damned House Majority Leader, so I've got more than a little pull around here.

Now, let's talk about how I do business. When you come to my office tomorrow you bring a briefcase with $50,000 in small bills, or don't bother coming at all.

Are we clear?

What the h*ll are you talking about?

...

Sorry, wrong meeting.

...

I'm a veteran!

Well, at least he's not part of the Culture Of Corruption.

Oh -- No-- Really---- I didn't make this up.

"Breasts not Bombs" splinter group "Vaginas, Not Violence" celebrates Democratic victory

The “Breasts Not Bombs”(BNB) anti-war movement that began last year in Berkeley, California, when women marched with bared breasts and chanted anti-war slogans, recently spawned an offshoot movement, “Vaginas Not Violence” (VNV). Their first public appearance, however, in support of the recent democrat gains in Congress, proved to be an unmitigated failure, much to the dismay of thousands of incredibly supportive male fans who showed up.

“Vaginas Not Violence” was the idea of a small group of women who had initially filed suit against the “Breasts Not Bombs” organization. They claimed that BNB’s emphasis on enormous sagging milk-sacks discriminated against women who had smaller tweeters, as well as transgender pacifists who were entirely tweeter-less. The suit was settled out of court when it was decided that the “Breasts Not Bombs” franchise could extend into new areas of exposure.

Yesterday's VNV inaugural march, which was announced on local radio, drew a large crowd of men, many who brought folding chairs and coolers, digital cameras and their sons. At first, it seemed that "Vaginas, Not Violence" would carry the day, as dozens of angry women awkwardly paraded their vulva in a show of unrepentant wrath. It was just as the protest was gaining rhythm that 84 year old VNV member Dorothy Parker decided, tragically, to drop into her "anti-war crab crawl". Suddenly, the momentum shifted, as gasps of horror and revulsion rippled through a now rapidly thinning crowd. Many fled, cradling six packs under one arm and shielding their sons' eyes with the other.

“Capturing the magic of ‘Breasts Not Bombs’ is clearly harder than we imagined.” said VNV organizer Helen Harper. “For starters, it's a bitch to march with your legs spread. Many of the women reported leg cramps and had to leave the march. The problem we face is one of simple anatomy: the vagina is a much more subtle organ than the breast. Except, obviously, in Dorothy Parker’s case. I don’t care what your politics are, that thing isn’t for the faint of heart.”

The VNV plans to re-form under a new, un-announced name.

A Difference in Conditions

We wuz robbed!

2000, Democrats: "We wuz robbed!"
2002, Democrats: "We wuz robbed again!"
2004, Democrats: "We wuz robbed yet again!"
2006, Republicans: "Bummer. Oh, well, we'll do better next time."

Note that right-wing pundits and bloggers don't seem to be fixating on voter fraud, despite documented evidence that the Democrats have been doing that kind of thing? Note that Republican candidates who lost very narrowly gave in gracefully, without demanding recounts or resorting to the courts? Why the difference?

I think it's the basic Democrat culture of entitlement showing through. Democrats were angry in 2000, 2002, and 2004 because they felt that they deserved to win. Republicans don't feel that anyone deserves anything. They believe that all rewards have to be earned.

There's another way of looking at this. In 2000, 2002, and 2004, Democrats explained their defeat by looking to see what the Republicans had done to inflict defeat on the Democrats. In 2006, the Republicans seem to be explaining their defeat by looking for all the ways they themselves loused up. The Democrats are showing their investment in the cult of the victim. They didn't lose because of any fault or failure of their own; they lost because of the nefarious acts of villainous Republicans.

It's another manifestation of their epistemological breakdown regarding the principle of cause-and-effect. The Democrats do not fundamentally believe that they are in control of their own fate -- or ours. They were victims in 2000, 2002, and 2004. The only reason they weren't victims in 2006 was that the nefarious Republicans didn't successfully pull off their nefarious plots and plans this time. And in general Democrats demonstrate a broad belief that there's no relationship between acts and results, cause and effect. What matters is motive, not behavior. If you do something with good intentions, the result will be good.

And never mind what road is paved with good intentions. They don't believe in Hell, either.

Raising taxes won't result in decreased economic growth. There's no relationship between the two. What Congress does about taxes won't have any effect on the economy, so why not raise taxes so there's more government money to spread around to those who deserve to receive it?

Why shouldn't we decrease defense spending in the middle of a war? Increased defense spending causes war, it isn't a response to it. If we stop fighting, the war will end. If we reduce our defense spending, we'll be safer. Anyway, the UN will protect us.

Bailing out of Iraq won't result in increased radicalism in the Middle East. (Though we're told that invading the place did result in increased radicalism.) "Redeploying" won't convince the radicals that we're cowards who have no staying power and can be worn down in a long fight. It won't convince the radicals that they can attack us with impunity and that the price of doing so won't be catastrophe for them.

Bypassing the electoral process and using the courts to implement their radical agenda (e.g. legalization of gay marriage) won't cause backlash among the electorate and widespread passage of one-man-one-woman marriage laws. (Ahem.)

Restricting the use of fossil fuels won't cause the economy to collapse. Energy doesn't come from coal and oil, it comes from service stations and light sockets in the wall.

If cause-and-effect don't actually have anything to do with one another, and if good things happen to good people because they deserve to get good results, then all those ideas make perfect sense. We should live good lives, and treat others (e.g. al Qaeda) kindly, and if we do then everything will get better. The bad things that have happened to us (e.g. the 9/11 attack) are our own fault because we act in evil ways, and thus don't deserve good results. Our lives will become more comfortable and better and safer in every way because we'll be virtuous, and thus will deserve it.

Fortunately, there's another election in 2008. Two years is long enough for the Democrats to show their true colors, but not long enough for them to louse things up beyond repair. For six years the Democrats in Congress have done nothing but complain about nearly everything the Republicans have done, without ever offering any alternative plans. Now the Democrats are in charge, and will have to act instead of spending all their time bitching. (Best guess is that they'll switch to spending all their time spending.)

It's definitely going to be amusing to watch them try to lead and to see what direction they think they'll lead us. I think the result is going to be a shambles, leading to a massive reversal in 2008. (Especially if the Republican message in 2008 is, "We've learned our lesson, and we'll do better next time.")

Here's to you "One Worlders"!

Time to Open a Dialogue With the Rest of the World

World Welcomes Shift in U.S. Politics:

The electoral rebuke for President Bush and the resignation of his defense secretary, both deeply unpopular away from American shores over the Iraq war, was celebrated throughout Europe, the Middle East and Asia.

Was there music at this celebration? You know, I'm not a huge fan of country music, but I've always liked Johnny Cash.

He was kind of a rebel.

In Paris, American expatriates and French citizens alike packed the city's main American haunts to watch results overnight and early Wednesday, with some standing to cheer or boo as vote tabulations came in.

One Frenchman, 53-year-old teacher Jean-Pierre Charpemtrat, said it was about time U.S. voters figured out what much of the rest of the world already knew.

"Americans are realizing that you can't found the politics of a country on patriotic passion and reflexes," he said. "You can't fool everybody all the time _ and I think that's what Bush and his administration are learning today."

Hey, Pierre, you're French, right? So you must be into art n'stuff. Have you seen this?

I think DaVinci painted that. It's one of my favorites.

In Copenhagen, Denmark, Jens Langfeldt, 35, said he didn't know much about the midterm elections but was opposed to Bush, referring to the president as "that cowboy."

Now, it's true that Bush lived in Texas, but he's not really what you'd call a "cowboy." Check this guy out:

Now, that's a cowboy.

Passions were even higher in Pakistan, where Bush is deeply unpopular despite billions in aid and support for President Gen. Pervez Musharraf.

One opposition lawmaker, Hafiz Hussain Ahmed, said he welcomed the election result, but was hoping for more. Bush "deserves to be removed, put on trial and given a Saddam-like death sentence," he said.

I don't speak Urdu or whatever, so let me respond to Mr. Ahmed using the international sign for mutual respect.

In an extraordinary joint statement, more than 200 Socialist members of the European Parliament hailed the American election results as "the beginning of the end of a six-year nightmare for the world."

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who has consistently railed against the Bush administration, called the election "a reprisal vote."

We as a country certainly have our differences with the Socialist members of the EU, and with Mr. Chavez, but I think it's time we try to find some common ground, so on behalf of the good people of the United States, I salute you, gentlemen.

Let's try to make this work - for the kids.

They deserve nothing less.

"Bite me!" Well, most of them do, anyway.

Let me tell you who really won on Tuesday

I notice that the newspaper and broadcast pundits are telling us who the winners and losers are in Tuesday's startling elections. Well ... I might as well get in the game here with everyone else.

The envelope please.

And the winners in this year's midterm elections are:

Islamic Fascists

(Accepting the award for the Islamic Fascists will be Osama bin Laden)

The focal point of the war against Islamic fascism was Iraq. The jihadists were sending their fighters to Iraq, there to be killed in gratifying numbers by American and coalition troops. What was once American resolve is now American weakness. The people have listened to the politicians -- one group that wanted to finish the job, another that didn't -- and gave the nod to the quitters. Today America is weaker in the eyes of those who would destroy us. Not a cause for celebration.

Slackards

(Accepting the award will be Shirley Sternfaulter, a young mother of three who wants the government to pay for her child care.)

A huge percentage of the people who went to the polls on Tuesday went there to vote for a living. They feel that the purpose of government is to make sure that the basic necessities of their lives are paid for, while they spend their own money on the newest technology in flat-screen televisions, gadget-filled cell phones and subscriptions to People Magazine.

Illegal Aliens

(Putting down his leaf blower to accept the award is Pedro Lopez-Garcia-Menendez-Gonzalez, who pays no taxes in the U.S., and sends 80% of each paycheck back to Vera Cruz to take care of his wife and children.)

Yesterday President Bush as much as said that amnesty would be the order of the day. Now that those pesky Republicans have been kicked out of the majority in the House of Representatives, the president and the Senate will have clear sailing on their plan for amnesty for the 20 million plus illegal aliens now residing in this country. Oh .. and the border? Nothing will be done to stop the Mexican invasion, so as soon as Pedro has his paperwork Maria and the kids will be on a bus.

Those who want a weaker America

(Accepting the award will be Dominique Marie François René Galouzeau de Villepin, sometimes known as Dominique de Villepin, the Prime Minister of France. Dominique was the leader of the Axis of Weasels before he became Prime Minister.)

A poll earlier this year said that something like 58% of Europeans wanted a weaker America. They got their wish on Tuesday. Who is going to be there to pull their candied asses out of the oven when they finally wake up and realize the great strides that have been made in the Islamification of Europe? Hello Eurabia.

The first blow to be struck in the weakening of America will be for the Democrats to get rid of John Bolton as the Ambassador to the United Nations. They'll replace him with someone who will not stand up to UN corruption and the forces who want to weaken us.

The Libertarian Party?

(I would be happy to accept this reward, but the don't like me all that much because I believe that we need to defend this country from both the Islamic fascists and the Mexican invasion.)

Tuesday's vote showed that a lot of conservatives and libertarians in this country are completely fed up with the Republican Party. If ever there was a time for the emergence of a third party that would adhere to conservative and libertarian values -- without an obsessive allegiance to religious fundamentalists -- now is the time. The Libertarian Party could be just that party. We'll see if they're up to the task.

The leftist media.

(Accepting the award for The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, The Boston Globe, Time Magazine, Newsweek Magazine and too many more to mention will be Dan Rather)

Ninety percent or more of these people vote Democrat. They engaged in a six-year campaign of demonization of George Bush. It worked.

Washington Lawyers

(Accepting the Award will be the President of the D.C. Bar Association)

Get ready for two years of investigations, subpoenas, hearings...you name it. Everything will be investigated, then investigated again. But the Republicans did it to themselves...every last bit of it.

Where's Oral Roberts when you really need him?

Evangelical Leader Says He Tried Gay Sex But Asserts “I Did Not Impale”

Evangelical preacher Ted Haggard admitted sexual immorality' in a letter read to his Colorado Springs congregation Sunday but maintained that the relationship he had with a gay masseuse "fell short of fullfillment, at least in the biblical sense.” Asked to clarify his statement, Haggard said: “I tried gay sex, but I did not impale.”

Whether Haggard’s nuancing would hold water with his followers was subject to much speculation. But one parishioner gave a hint that Haggard would be welcomed back.

“Look, stuff happens,” said construction worker Ken Smithton. “One minute, you’re giving a sermon on the evils of sweaty man-on-man sex, the next, you’re cooking some crack alongside a guy with taut pecs and deep blue, beckoning eyes. Tell me you could resist that guy if you were all amped up on some white crunch, and I’ll call you a dirty liar. I MEAN, DID YOU SEE THE CABOOSE ON THAT MASSEUSE?”

At press time rumors that Haggard’s book, “The Pursuit of the Good Life” would be re-titled “Crystal Meth Persuasion” were unsubstantiated.

Is Oral still alive?

VOTE II (satire alert for you idiots)

A Public Service Announcement From Quasimodo

Hi, I'm Quasimodo.

You may not know my name, but I'm certain that my face rings a bell!

All my life, I have suffered from a horrible disfiguring condition. People have pointed and stared at me... and I haven't exactly been a hit with the ladies.

Now, there may be hope! Recently, I was told that if you vote for Democrats, all diseases will be cured, but if you vote for Republicans, people like me will continue to suffer!

Republicans don't care about people like me. They like it when people suffer and die! Only Democrats will allocate the money needed to continue such promising research as injecting the discarded brain matter of full-term fetuses into my hump... important research that provides hope where before there was none!

And don't you dare try telling me it's false hope! After all, if John Edwards can make Christopher Reeve walk again, I'm willing to believe that Democrats are capable of true miracles! Won't you please help?

Sanctuary!

Paid for by George Soros, because he cares.

Vote

TOMORROW'S THE DAY!

First of all ... let's be clear on this. If the Republicans lose control of the House in tomorrow's election it will by no means be an unusual circumstance. It will be quite normal, actually. Last week Charles Krauthammer pointed out that since World War II a two-term president has lost an average of 29 seats in the House and six in the Senate in his sixth-year midterm elections. If the Republicans were to lose both the House and the Senate tomorrow it would be business as usual.

That still doesn't make it right.

I keep hearing from the various pundits that this election is all about the war in Iraq. Well, first of all, it isn't "the war in Iraq." It is the war against Islamic fascism. It's a world war with battlefronts on all continents (except Antarctica) with the primary battles being fought in Iraq.

I don't think for a moment that those who steadfastly oppose our actions in Iraq are suddenly going to see the light 24 hours before they vote in these midterm elections. The best that can be hoped for is that some of them will come to understand the consequences of a Democrat victory tomorrow.

For voters who who still haven't quite made up their minds, might I recommend an amazing column written by Victor Davis Hanson. Here are the first three paragraphs:

What is written about Iraq now is exclusively acrimonious. The narrative is the suicide bomber and IED, never how many terrorists we have killed, how many Iraqis have been given a chance for something different than the old nightmare, or how a consensual government has withstood enemies on nearly every front.

Long forgotten is the inspired campaign that removed a vicious dictator in three weeks. Nor is much credit given to the idealistic efforts to foster democracy rather than just ignoring the chaos that follows war — as we did after the Soviets were defeated in Afghanistan, or following our precipitous departure from Lebanon and Somalia. And we do not appreciate anymore that Syria was forced to vacate Lebanon; that Libya gave up its WMD arsenal; that Pakistan came clean about Dr. Khan; and that there have been the faint beginnings of local elections in the Gulf monarchies.

Yes, the Middle East is "unstable," but for the first time in memory, the usual killing, genocide, and terrorism are occurring in a scenario that offers some chance at something better. Long before we arrived in Iraq, the Assads were murdering thousands in Hama, the Husseins were gassing Kurds, and the Lebanese militias were murdering civilians. The violence is not what has changed, but rather the notion that the United States can do nothing about it; the U.S. has shown itself willing to risk much to support freedom in place of tyranny or theocracy in the region.

You can read the remainder of this column right here. The truth is this column has too much of an intellectual and historical foundation for most of the anti-war, peace-at-any-price Democrat voters to absorb.

An honest and unbiased analysis places much of the blame for the current situation in Iraq squarely on the Democrats. Since the election debacle in Florida in 2000 Democrats have been dedicated to one cause, and one cause only ... demonizing George Bush and regaining what they see as their birthright to power in Washington DC. If this means sabotaging America's efforts to defeat Islamic Fascism, so be it. The Democrats return to power and the destruction of George Bush was all-important, everything else came in second.

There is not an ounce of doubt in my mind that the Democrats have been a great source of comfort and encouragement for Islamic terrorists worldwide. If American has a weakness in their minds, that weakness is personified by the Democrat Party.

Be absolutely certain of one thing. A Democrat takeover of the House will be seen by Islamic terrorists everywhere as a great victory for them and a stunning defeat of their nemeses George W. Bush. A Democrat victory will make the Islamic fascist not only stronger, but bolder. They will gain legitimacy where there was doubt, and support where there was indifference. In the end, we will pay a price.

Sooner or later Islamic fascists will be defeated. They must be. A Democrat victory tomorrow will make that victory more costly and longer in coming.

SAVE McFLY

Vote for Claire McCaskill or Marty McFly Dies

A Special Message from Emmy Award-Winning actor, Michael J. Fox

Fellow Americans,

Many of you have expressed reservations concerning embryonic stem cell research, fearful that it will lead us down a slippery slope towards a society where human embryos are worth only what you can get for them on the open market. You strongly believe that human life, even in its earliest stages, is sacrosanct. Well, that and three bucks might get you some brownie points with the Big Cheese in the afterlife, but if you ever want to see another Back to the Future sequel you’ll vote Claire McCaskill for United States Senate.

Claire’s strong support for embryonic stem cell research is the best hope that beautiful celebrities afflicted with embarassing diseases have of finding a cure - and the only chance you people have of ever seeing Marty McFly and Doc Brown back in action again.

Seriously, I’d love to do another movie. In fact, I’ve got the script for Back to the Future Part IV right here. It’s damn good, too. But I’m going to feed it into the shredder page by page unless you people start forking over some goddam stem cells! I don’t want any of those second-rate stem cells from some dead geezer’s spine, either! They better be embryonic stem cells, from human embryos, or the deal’s off.

Come on. Wouldn’t you like to see your ol’ pal Calvin Klein riding a modified stegosaurus through prehistoric Hill Valley? It’s right here on page 17. But it’s not going to happen as long as I’m shaking like an Indonesian heroin addict. LOOK AT ME, FOR CHRISTSAKE!!!! I'M A F***ING WRECK!! How am I going to bury Caveman Biff under a mountain of dinosaur poop when I can’t even hold a pencil without poking my f***ing eye out?

So I’m going to say it one last time: VOTE CLAIRE McCASKGILL, OR MARTY MCFLY DIES! I'll kill him, I really will. Alex P. Keaton, too. I'll take my medication, and stab him right in the neck with a screwdriver. There will be no Family Ties Reunion Special, no more Back to the Future flicks, and your own damn selfishness will be to blame. Just keep that in mind when you go to the polls in November.

Thank you, and God bless.

Michael J. Fox
Actor

Satire Alert for the terminally dumb

Bush Quakes Strike Hawaii

Hawaii. With its lush marijuana plantations and vibrant gay community, many consider it a veritable “Garden of Eden”. Yet there’s nothing the Bible-thumping Bush regime would love more than to see the Island paradise sink into the sea like the Biblical utopias of Sodom and Gomorrah. Last weekend’s barrage of politically-motivated quakes were only the opening salvo it what threatens to be a full-scale war waged by the Christian Right against the brown-skinned Hawaiian peoples.

Thankfully, not as many people died without dignity as Bush had undoubtedly hoped in this, the latest of his ecological disasters. Nonetheless, he wrought economical destruction to Hawaii that only time and the repeal of his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent will heal. The tremors that struck Hawaii knocked scores of ukeleles out of tune, and thousands of striking hula workers were forced to gyrate rhythmically at the hips without compensation for several agonizing minutes. Many a grass-skirted minx has already fled the Islands for the safety of the mainland, walking across the Pacific Ocean on the backs of undocumented Mexicans swimming to Hawaii for construction jobs. Defiant in the face of tragedy, a headstrong and resolute Mayor Ray Kakapipimediapaliki condemned the racist policies that lead to the quakes, and vowed that Honolulu would once again be a “Coconut City” - just as soon as they've ran off all the job-stealing Beaners.

As expected, the Repugs are in full denial mode, blaming the disaster on everything from "Mother Nature" to "Tectonic Plates". But no matter how they try to spin it, the blame for Hawaii lies solely on George Bush and his evangelical masters - not to be confused with Thomas Magnum and his Robin Masters, neither of whom were invited to the Luau.

Foley IV

Aliens Turned Foley Gay

Mark Foley's lawyer announced just moments ago that his client's homosexuality is the result of an alien abduction during his college days.

Well, I guess if anything good can possibly come from an anal probe, that's it.

The only question is: How long did Dennis Hastert know about it and why did he keep it a secret? Was he so desperate to maintain control of congress that he would turn a blind eye to extraterrestrials preying on our helpless frat boys? If so, how many Republican congressmen will be willing to resign in order to make things right? Is Bush, with his so-called "family values" ready to put the safety of our children before partisan politics and finally repeal his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or will he squander the golden showers of international support and mislead Americans into another pointless war for oil?

Foley III

Booze Turned Foley Gay

Foley's lawyer has also revealed that the disgraced congressman was drunk when he engaged in online sex chats with gay teens.

If there's any good that can possibly come from alchohol abuse, I guess that's it.

Millions of gay teens take their lives each year for lack of any positive reinforcement from like-minded adult mentors. While the vital service Foley provided to the gay community doesn't excuse his Violation of the Sacred Trust, it must be taken into consideration when Dennis Hastert is sentenced.

Foley II

Roman Catholics Turned Foley Gay

Mark Foley's lawyer suggested yesterday that a Roman Catholic priest who molested him as a child may be responsible for his homosexual proclivities.

I guess if anything good can possibly come from sexual abuse, that's it.

Frankly, I'm a little surprised, though. I had always understood that people were born gay. It's impossible to turn someone who isn't a homosexual into one, so any claims that gay rights groups or progressive schoolteachers are attempting indoctrinate children into a gay lifestyle should be looked upon as the insane ravings of homophobic parents. Now I am learning that Roman Catholic priests are going around, magically transforming heterosexual young boys into flaming homos.

All I can say is, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, PRIESTIES!

With so many members of the Gay Community killed off by AIDS and Republicans every year, perhaps this is God's way of replenishing the species so we can continue to enjoy a wide variety of fabulously decorated park restrooms.

Foley I

Republicans Giving Sexual Deviancy a Bad Name

Rep. Mark Foley (R-FL) is a closet homosexual who used his position of power to lure impressionable young boys into obscene online chats. Yet in spite of all that, it turns out he is actually a bad person. His crime? Violating the sacred trust between members of Congress and their pages.

I’m sorry, but that’s all I got. We’ve spent so many years blurring the line between decency and depravity that I really don’t have much to work with. I considered putting an anti-pedophilia spin on it, but let’s face it – those kids weren’t exactly tots. If some of them were just a few months older, this whole thing would be the makings of an Academy Award-winning movie about two grown men sharing a secret love in a world too cold to understand. If it were two 15 year old boys talking that way to each other, we'd give them a special group in the high school where they could discuss their sexuality in a safe and healthy environment. It appears that the online sex sessions were consensual as well, so as long as they used online condoms we would be hypocrites to condemn them for it. So I guess the real crime here, besides the “sacred trust” thing, is that Foley behaved as if his homosexuality was something to be ashamed of.

The whole GOP acts that way. Rather than celebrating homosexuality as a beautiful expression of love between two human beings, they cringe at the very thought of it. It’s no wonder gay Republicans like Foley are forced into the closet. Left unnurtured and unexplored, their homosexuality devolves into pedophilia - although the two are entirely unrelated and frankly I resent any suggestions to the contrary.

Key Republicans knew for years that Foley had a thing for men, yet they did nothing to encourage it. Tragically, Foley’s homosexuality was never allowed to blossom to it’s full potential. As an out-and-proud, in-your-face gay man, Foley could have been a force for good in Washington. Perhaps he could have been a positive role model for other perverts in congress. Instead, he was completely ignored, and now look what’s become of him.

Dennis Hastert and a sufficient number of Republicans to surrender control of Congress should all be ashamed of themselves.