Monday, November 06, 2006

Where's Oral Roberts when you really need him?

Evangelical Leader Says He Tried Gay Sex But Asserts “I Did Not Impale”

Ted_haggard_1 Evangelical preacher Ted Haggard admitted sexual immorality' in a letter read to his Colorado Springs congregation Sunday but maintained that the relationship he had with a gay masseuse "fell short of fullfillment, at least in the biblical sense.” Asked to clarify his statement, Haggard said: “I tried gay sex, but I did not impale.”

Whether Haggard’s nuancing would hold water with his followers was subject to much speculation. But one parishioner gave a hint that Haggard would be welcomed back.

“Look, stuff happens,” said construction worker Ken Smithton. “One minute, you’re giving a sermon on the evils of sweaty man-on-man sex, the next, you’re cooking some crack alongside a guy with taut pecs and deep blue, beckoning eyes. Tell me you could resist that guy if you were all amped up on some white crunch, and I’ll call you a dirty liar. I MEAN, DID YOU SEE THE CABOOSE ON THAT MASSEUSE?”

At press time rumors that Haggard’s book, “The Pursuit of the Good Life” would be re-titled “Crystal Meth Persuasion” were unsubstantiated.

Is Oral still alive?