Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Wedding Vows
Following is a transcript of the Cruise/Holmes wedding ceremony, exclusive to TNOYF.
Fellow Beings, we are gathered together here in the presence of the Supreme Being, with the required three cats, 2 combs, and one unopened jar of raspberry preserves, to join together these two life forms in an ectoplasmic union that will bring equilibrium to the time space continuum and the Ph balance in the soil surrounding the remains of L. Ron Hubbard. Before we begin, if any person can show just cause why these two may not be existentially fused – let them indicate their opposition with the customary wing flap of the grieving pelican.
Marriage is the fusion of man and woman in an arc triangle of interdependent understanding. It is also the only way to keep our spleens functioning properly. But most importantly, marriage is a commitment where by Tom and Katie agree
to embrace the dream of Scientology through regular attendance at our Advanced Cleaning Courses, as well as listening closely to their Grape Nuts for the secret messages from Xenu.
Tom, do you take Katie to be your loving avatar? To respect her, and not use your super human power of invisibility to deceive her? Do you promise to rid her of thetans, and provide weekly trips to the Mother Ship for re-programming?
And Katie, do you take Tom to be your supreme being? To bear him psychologically-sound offspring? Do you promise to bear no resentment against him for your parents, who at this moment, in a room nearby, are reaching higher levels of understanding thanks to the Electropsychometer?
I now pronounce you a conjoined life form. You may meld.