Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Nazi Trees Assault Jewish Man at Seattle Airport

Hate-fuelled violence erupted at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport last weekend when an innocent Rabbi was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of festively decorated confers.

Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky’s visit to Sea-Tac was meant to honor the rich Hanukkah custom of placing the sacred Menorah in areas that reek of urine and dirty socks. Instead, the Rabbi was brutally assaulted by a pair of Douglas Firs. As a crowd of shoeless onlookers watched helplessly, the elaborately decorated trees held him down while a tinsel-clad Blue Spruce repeatedly punched him in the liver. A colorful arrangement of Poinsettias then tossed the rabbi down a moving escalator while flashing the Nazi salute and shouting anti-semitic slogans. Airport security arrived, if only moments too late, arresting six Holiday Trees and a small Rhododendron who referred to a female officer as “Sugar Tits”.

Rabbi Bogomilsky is listed in serious but stable condition at Seattle’s Harborview Medical Center. Two Mexican landscapers armed with pruning shears are stationed outside his door at this very moment to protect him from any further attacks from brightly festooned shrubbery. The Port of Seattle hastily removed all the holiday decorations from the airport and announced plans to install “Diversity Kiosks”, where visitors can enjoy a variety of nine-dollar beers in a welcoming environment of multicultural bliss while a mentally-challenged Lithuanian rummages through their luggage.

All the usual hate-radio suspects are making light of last weekend’s tragedy, but the incident is a perfect example of the terrible threats minority Americans face on a daily basis from coniferous trees adorned with sparkly lights, or any other symbols of the Holiday season, Christian and secular.