Saturday, December 23, 2006

Happy Kazchankaistmas

Christmas Survival Tips

Two shopping days left until the Winter Solstice, and despite our best efforts to suck every last ounce of joy out of the holiday season there are still some Christians out there who insist on turning Christmas into one big religious hoorah. It’s therefore incumbent upon us as progressives to take whatever steps necessary to not only protect the sacred Wall Between Church and State from such proselytizing fanatics, but our impressionable children from the soft bigotry of Christian imagery.

So before I crawl under the sink for the remainder of the holiday, I’d like to leave you with a few quick tips that will help defend you and yours against the cultural disease known as Christmas.

• When distributing free condoms and gay pride literature outside your local elementary school, educate the little tots about how the bourgeois concept of “Santa Claus” is merely a construct of the global capitalist plutocracy to exploit the primitive social-psychological consumptive impulses of the sheep like masses. Oh, and the Easter Bunny killed their mommy.

• You’ll be the life of the holiday party while making a powerful political statement if you whack yourself in the knee with a ballpein hammer and scream like a girl whenever someone mentions “Christmas”.

• Insensitive holiday yard displays are infuriating at best, but their sting is lessened if all cultures are equally represented. As an acknowledgment that we live in a big, multicultural village, demand your neighbors place the severed head of an infidel next to their plastic nativity scenes.

• Progressives have made great strides in silencing the infamous Salvation Army bell ringers, but they still smile and offer you warm wishes for the holiday season. Contact your local chapter of the ACLU to see what can be done to stop them. Nothing cures a case of yuletide cheer like a well-crafted harassment lawsuit.

• For many Americans, Christmas is a time to reunite with family members and loved ones. But for others, it’s just another reminder of their lonely, fruitless existence. That’s not really a tip. It’s just something I needed to get off my chest.

• Four words: Boogers in the Eggnog.

• Christmas isn’t only about Baby Jesus. Refuse to reward carolers with any tofu or soymilk until they honor MARKAZHI POOJ with a recital of the Thiruvembavai . Offer to provide the traditional brightly painted squirrels.

Inflatable Frosty ain’t so tough. Show him who’s boss!