Dems/Liberals--can't handle the truth!

That wet spot you see forming under the chair of Will Bunch, Michael D., and even the normally reasonable Joe Gandleman is a sure sign that the brand of diapers these people are using just ain’t cuttin’ it. Might I suggest “Huggies Super Absorbent” for those times – like now – when you need that extra protection against leaks and overflow?

What has many on the left squirming in their toddler seats due to the uncomfortable dampness in their tush was a speech made by our President to the Israeli Knesset celebrating the State of Israel’s 60th birthday.

Now it is probably a good thing that no one asked our President to blow out the candles on the cake since his wind is probably not what it was a few years ago – having expended all that hot air in the meantime telling us what a success his excellent adventure in Iraq had become. But no matter. Bush delivered a speech to a people under daily threat of terrorism that was designed to reassure them that America would not sell Israel down the river in the interests of making peace with other, less friendly regimes in the region.

This is pro-forma stuff when it comes to an American president speaking in Israel, hardly headline grabbing fodder for the wires. Except Bush added a little something extra – a necessary warning given we have a putative candidate for president whose ideas about diplomacy include sitting down with Syria and Iran “without preconditions” and talk about peace in the Middle East.

It does no good to try and deny Obama said this and meant it. It was not taken out context, twisted, distorted, or otherwise folded, spindled, or mutilated in any way. If the candidate wants to change his position that’s fine. He can say he made a mistake, that he realizes now he should probably have thought that answer to the debate question through a little more.

But no. Obama insists he never said what he obviously said – in other words, either a man divorced from reality or a bald faced liar. And of course, his worshipful sycophants on the left have bought into this ludicrousness. Hillary has been using this very same idea of Obama wanting to talk to Assad and Ahmadinejad without preconditions as a hammer to demonstrate her opponents lack of foreign policy (one could add it also demonstrates a lack of sanity but that might be for a shrink to decide).

At any rate, Bush had this to say about Obama’s scathingly brilliant idea:

“Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along,” said Bush, in what White House aides privately acknowledged was a reference to calls by Obama and other Democrats for the U.S. president to sit down for talks with leaders like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

“We have heard this foolish delusion before,” Bush said in remarks to the Israeli Knesset. “As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American Senator declared: ‘Lord, if only I could have talked to Hitler, all of this might have been avoided.’ We have an obligation to call this what it is — the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history.”

Many on the left went into apoplectic fits, bringing out the most laughable, over the top, insanely over dramatized rhetoric we’ve seen from them in – oh, about 48 hours.

Will Bunch:

But what Bush did in Israel this morning goes well beyond the accepted confines of American political debate, When the president speaks to a foreign parliament on behalf of our country, his message needs to be clear and unambiguous. Our democracy may look messy to outsiders, and we may have our disagreements with some sharp elbows thrown around, but at the end of the day we are not Republicans or Democrats or liberals or conservatives.

We are Americans.

And you, Mr. Bush, are the leader of us all. To use a diplomatic setting on foreign soil to score a cheap political point at home is way beneath your office, way beneath your country, and way beneath the people you serve. You have been handed an office once uplifted to great heights by fellow countrymen from Washington to Lincoln to Roosevelt to Eisenhower, and have plunged it so deeply into the Karl-Rove-and-Rush-Limbaugh-fueled world of political destruction and survival of all costs that have lost all perspective—and all sense of decency. To travel to Israel and to associate a sitting American senator and your possible successor in the Oval Office with those who at one time gave comfort to an enemy of the United States is, in and of itself, an act of political treason.

First of all, there was nothing cheap about that political point. That, sir, is a 100 carat, gold plated, diamond encrusted, million dollar zinger of political shot.

Secondly, I note that many on the left really hate it when you bring up appeasement. They curse Chamberlain for turning it into a dirty word. After all, Sir Neville had the right idea, just the wrong execution. Now if we were to negotiate with Hitler today, we wouldn’t make the same mistakes Chamberlain did, say the lefties. We would have gotten an arms control deal first and tied it in with concessions on the Sudetenland. And, of course, recognizing the Nazi sphere of influence in that part of Europe with all those little countries and their unpronounceable names would have been a price for making peace. But anything is better than a World War, right?

Obama was not long in responding with a carefully measured, balanced statement…Just kidding! He whined like a 5 year old who is told he must go to bed early:

It is sad that President Bush would use a speech to the Knesset on the 60th anniversary of Israel’s independence to launch a false political attack. It is time to turn the page on eight years of policies that have strengthened Iran and failed to secure America or our ally Israel. Instead of tough talk and no action, we need to do what Kennedy, Nixon and Reagan did and use all elements of American power – including tough, principled, and direct diplomacy – to pressure countries like Iran and Syria. George Bush knows that I have never supported engagement with terrorists, and the President’s extraordinary politicization of foreign policy and the politics of fear do nothing to secure the American people or our stalwart ally Israel.

“Extraordinary politicization of foreign policy?” Holy Christ! Only a dimwit doesn’t think what the Democrats have been doing for 5 years in Iraq and this entire campaign season isn’t using foreign policy as a political club to beat this president and the GOP over the head. Is he really that stupid. Are his followers really that naive? Of course not! They know full well that they’ve been politicizing foreign poicy – which makes Obama’s and Free Willy’s whining all the more hypocritical.

And I wonder if Willy Boy’s outrage extends to calling to account ex-presidents or ex-vice presidents who regularly go on foreign soil and all but call the president of the United States a traitor. Where the f**k are you people when those two characters pop up in Switzerland, or Saudi Arabia, or Great Britain and make the most personal, hurtful, politically motivated attacks on Bush?

Spare me your fake outrage. When you come around to criticizing Carter and Gore for the swipes in foreign countries they’ve taken at Bush then you may have earned yourself a measure of standing to hurl your infantile charges at Bush.

This is the mindset Obama would have going into talks with Assad and Ahmadinejad. Assad will make peace with Israel if we let him back into Lebanon – bottom line. Delusions to the contrary are not allowed. Would sacrificing Lebanon on the altar of the Obama Doctrine be acceptable?

The trouble is, the Israelis don’t think so. They might be wondering if the American president might sell them out for a deal on Iranian nukes or something else – perhaps peace in Iraq. Given the extraordinary pro-Palestinian bias of many of his advisors, why would this be so shocking?

The Israelis aren’t stupid. You don’t live to be 60 and face what they’ve had to face from the minute of their birth without a keen sense of who their friends are. And when the Israelis see their mortal enemy Hamas embracing Obama’s candidacy, they might be wondering who this fellow is and just what does he have in store for Israel if he gets elected.

Bush was chastising Obama as an appeaser before an audience that understood better than anyone else on the planet what appeasement can lead to. It is now up to Obama to prove that he understands the threats facing us and our allies. It is time for him to abandon his idea to meet with Assad and Ahmadinejad without preconditions by making it clear that he misspoke during the debate and that upon reflection, he realizes he erred and that he now supports a much more cautious approach.

He won’t do it, of course. Why should he when he has the New York Times running interference for him, telling the world that what he said, he didn’t actually say? Instead, we will get more whining from the candidate of “change.”

Bush zinged Obama by pointing out the obvious shortcomings of his proposed policy. It might not be appeasement – at least the left wouldn’t use that word. It would be “constructive engagement” or some other mealy mouthed words dreamed up by our striped suit, topped hat nitwits at Foggy Bottom. The number one issue is would Obama sell out Israeli security for a deal elsewhere – either with Syria and Iran. We don’t know the answer. The Israelis don’t know the answer. And Obama himself probably doesn’t either.

If these lefties would stop their fake whining jag long enough to look at it from the perspective of the Israelis, some of us might start believing the grownups had returned to the Democratic party’s foriegn policy team.

So far, no such luck.

Barry Obama the "Ultimate Empty Suit"

Here's why Barack Obama can't be president. He's more frightened of America than he is of its enemies. Right now, his boxers are in bunch over President Bush's comments made while speaking to the Knesset on the 60th anniversary of Israel's statehood. Bush said "Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists...as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along...We have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: 'Lord, if only I could have talked to Hitler, all of this might have been avoided.'

Good stuff. But not for Obama - who replied, "It is sad that President Bush would use a speech on the 6Oth anniversary of Israel's independence to launch a false political attack."

So let me get this straight: Obama thinks it's wrong for Bush to say, on Israel's birthday, that we shouldn't appease enemies of Israel. Okay. Then, would it have been better for you, Obama, if Bush had echoed your words - that we should lunch with an Iranian madman who vows to wipe Israel off the map? That's one hell of a birthday gift.

But this leads to a bigger point: that Obama must come up with a real plan to fight terror, beyond scheduling tea time with maniacs. Problem is, the Dems have spent the last eight years blaming America - and Bush, in particular - for everything. But Bush isn't going to be president anymore. So, isn't it time for you, the leading presidential candidate, to outline your solution for facing the biggest challenge in our lifetimes? You call Bush's policies "politics of fear" - but we didn't fly planes into buildings. They did. Terrorism is a politics of fear - destroying terrorists is not. So Obama, until you lose this relativistic BS, the White House cat has more balls than you.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

Another round that will settle nothing

So today we've got two Democratic primaries - Indiana and North Carolina. My prediction: Sanjaya by single digits. But this really isn't a battle between two candidates, but a war over two souls: One that belongs to the Democratic party, and the other, to Bill Clinton.

First, the election will come down to a war between the moonbats (the netroot nutcakes and body-odored bloggers afflicted with matted hair and cystic acne) and mainstream Democrats. While it's true Hilary and Obama are both chronic lefties - both candidates still must move right - because that's the only way you can win an election in America. It's kinda funny and sad that, for a liberal to win, he or she has to run like a conservative. What does that tell you about your party if it can only win when it's pretending to be something else? That it can only win when it's pretending to be something else.

And then there's our man Bill. If Hillary wins, he's in the White House - giving us a minimum of four years of frustrated hilarity. He won't be able to pick up waitresses or co-eds, and that can't be good for his sanity or his right hand. But if Hillary loses, he will simply replace the White House with the Cathouse. And that's what I call a win-win. So what if Bill loses the limelight? That isn't so bad, since he does most of his best work in the dark.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Damage Control

Looks like Obama's getting just a bit fed up with his "former" pastor. He had a little press conference yesterday. We now learn that Obama is "outraged" at Jeremiah Wright's latest comments. Gee, ya think? Obama says that this isn't the same man that he met 20 years ago and that Wright's comments do not accurately portray Obama's perspective of the black church.

And why oh why in the wide, wide world of black liberation theology did it take until now for Barack Obama to become outraged? You know, some of us would have been a bit more than outrage the first time we heard out pastor ask God to damn America ... and don't give me that nonsense about Obama not knowing what was going on at the pulpit of his 20-year church. His response? "I gave [Reverend Wright] the benefit of the doubt in my speech in Philadelphia explaining that he's done enormous good. ... But when he states and then amplifies such ridiculous propositions as the U.S. government somehow being involved in AIDS. ... There are no excuses. They offended me. They rightly offend all Americans and they should be denounced.

Just how do you give someone the "benefit of the doubt" over comments like that? If I remember Mississippi Senator Trent Lott didn't get much benefit of the doubt when he made those innocuous comments about Strom Thurmond's presidential candidacy. George W. Bush didn't get much benefit of the doubt with that Mission Accomplished statement that he (didn't) hang on that aircraft carrier. Fuzzy Zeller didn't even get much of a benefit of the doubt when he made that crack about the Champion's Dinner at the Masters golf tournament. Fuzzy was talking about fried chicken and greens .. and Wright was talking about America bringing 9/11 on itself! Benefit of the doubt? Give me a break!

So Obama sits back and sees that this just isn't going away any time soon. Day after day Obama gets knocked off his vapid "Change We Can Believe In" message by Jeremiah Wright enjoying his 15 minutes ... and now it becomes time to act. Now we wait for some race warlords out there to complain that the white man forcing Obama to denounce his own church and black community.

Here's the video for those of you who missed the press conference.

Stuck with an empty suit--

This one is rather fun to watch. In case you haven't noticed, the Democrat Party is slowly figuring out that things aren't looking all that well for the November election ... at least as far as the White House is concerned. Their messiah has turned out to be somewhat of a false prophet. Don't you just hate it when things turn out that way?

Oh how the Democrats swooned over the "Change We Can Believe in" signs. All of these people fainting at Obama rallies were certainly heralding wonderful times to come. Somehow they failed to notice that in din of those huge Obama crowds nothing meaningful was being said by the candidate. Nobody bothered to check the resume closely. Accomplishments? None, really. About the best thing ObamaManiacs could point to was that he managed to get elected to the Senate. Wow! What a big deal that was! He ran against a Democrat in the primary who self-destructed in a sex and domestic scandal. Then his chief Republican rival pulled the same stunt. The Republicans had to go out of state to find Alan Keys to put up a fight against Obama, and there was never a chance.

Now the layers start to get peeled back. That glossy onion doesn't look so good underneath. We find Obama spending 20 years in the pews of a church where the America-hating pastor preaches the Marxist gospel of Black Liberation Theology. We find his friendship with "just some guy who lives in my neighborhood." "Some guy" who is an unrepentant bomb-thrower from the Vietnam War days. "Some Guy" who says he has no regrets, and in fact wishes he could have done more. We learn that what Barack says before an gathering of San Francisco liberals is not what he says to the masses at his campaign appearances. In other words ... the going has become rough.

And what do the Obama campaign and the Democrats do when the going gets rough for their candidate? Well ... they can't really return him to the candidate store. Not going to work. Democrats absolutely depend on the black vote to carry these elections, and they know that if they admit a mistake and run back into Hillary's arms enough of these black voters will stay home on election day to make the presidency a lost cause. Nope -- Hillary isn't the answer. They're now going to have to stick with Obama. So ... a strategy is needed! Something needs to be done to shield Obama from the rightful consequences of his past and present associations and his uber-liberal approach to big government.

The solution? Oh come on, you're telling me you don't really know? The solution --- the shield --- is Obama's color!

So stand by friends. This election is going to be about race and racism. The left and their fellow travelers in the media are going to use the tried and true weapon of playing the race card to shield their candidate. John McCain speaks in Mississippi? Racism. Civil rights workers were killed in Mississippi, you know. You don't like Jeremiah Wrights exhortations for God to damn America? You're racist. You just don't like the black church. In fact ... it has gone further than that already. Listen -- and you don't have to listen carefully -- and you're going to hear more and more people saying that if you don't support Barack the one and only reason would be that you just don't like black people. Let's work on that white guilt! If they can't talk you into voting for Barack on the issues, (in other words, if you aren't an anti-capitalist Marxist), then we'll get you to vote for him out of a sense of guilt. This is what you owe for 400 years of slavery.

Yesterday the theme on so many newscasts was "Are Americans ready to vote for a black candidate for President." Fair question. I just wonder why we've never heard these same people ask "Are Detroit's voters ready to put a black man in the mayor's office." Oh, wait a minute. That would be a racist question, wouldn't it?

See how this is going to work?

From now on the Democrats will cloak Barack Obama in a mantle of black immunity. Any criticism of him or his policies, his friends, his philosophy ... racist. For many voters this is going to backfire. People who otherwise might be favorably disposed toward voting for Obama are going to wonder what four years would be like with race warlords screaming racism every time Republicans in the congress opposed the next great idea for expanding government and curtailing freedoms.

I wonder how John McCain is going to like running the show for four years?

SATIRE ALERT

Future President and proud coal miner's daughter, Hillary Clinton, proved the pundits wrong Tuesday and won her home state of Pennsylvania by a record landslide. Now it's off to a certain victory in her home state of North Carolina, where Senator Clinton spent a good part of her youth working on her family's tobacco farm.

Yes, Hillary and tobacky go waaaay backy. She planted it, grew it, picked it, rolled it, smoked it, chewed it, taxed it and sued it all while under heavy sniper fire. An avid smoker, Hillary will be campaigning heavily across the Tar Heel State for the next two weeks while puffing on filterless Camels from inside her iron lung. She is virtually guaranteed a win both there and in her home state of Indiana, where Hoosier Hillary grew up racing Formula One cars under heavy sniper fire.

It's all over for Obama. With his 10 point loss on Tuesday, it's obvious that he's peaked and his pointless campaign is finally on the decline. His snotty remarks about Pennsylvanian rednecks stubbornly clinging to their guns and their Bibles, while 100% true, proved to working class voters that he isn't the unifying icon of the common man he claims to be, but rather an elitist snob. And while democrats adore an elitist snob, the one thing we simply won't tolerate is a phony.

Go Hillary!!!

Oil @ $117.00 a barrel

And our "friends" the Saudis are balking at increasing production. So while they continue to screw with us on oil ... let's be sure to respond here in this country by:

1. Refusing to drill in ANWR for more oil in the very portion of ANWR that was set aside for the purpose of drilling for more oil.
2. Refuse to tap the known reserves of oil and natural gas off the West coast of Florida because, after all, we certainly don't want tourists in Florida to catch sight of a drilling rig 25 miles off shore now do we?
3. Refuse to develop ways to use the oil shale from the Western United States.
4. Refuse to develop coal gasification techniques.
5. Refuse to build any more refineries in the United States.
6. Listen to the anti-nuke moonbats and continue to delay building some nuclear power plants.

And while we're doing all of these things let's make sure to keep the subsidies for ethanol at a ridiculous high so that we can take more land out of food production to grow more corn to be turned into an alternative fuel. We burn more than a gallon of fossil fuels to produce a gallon of ethanol .. so this sounds like a good bet to me!

Oh ... and let's continue to call the Saudis our friends and kiss their sandy butts at every possible opportunity.

Dream Team

So maybe he's not so perfect, after all.

I'm referring to Senator Barack Obama, who in reference to people living in small towns - said, quote, "they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment...as a way to explain away their frustrations."

He has since said he is sorry, confessing that he "didn't say it as well as I should have." Meaning, he spoke his mind, which he regrets. And I congratulate him - for he said what every one on the left has always believed - that if you don't live on the coasts, you're a bible-toting, gun-wielding nutcase who speaks in tongues on Sunday and tongues his daughter on Monday. Worse, you probably don't own the West Wing on DVD! Inbred.

See, Obama simply blurted out what the Democratic party always believed. But it screws him more: here Obama accuses people of clinging to religion out of desperation - but then what is Jeremiah Wright, if not a leech that feeds off hopelessness and gloom of those around him?

But Hillary cannot gloat - for she, like Obama, also sees most of America as a flat land full of fools - people incapable of taking care of themselves or making decisions for their families. Both Hillary and Obama think government can do that far better than we ever could. And that's elitism and idiocy at it's best.

So maybe they are ideal running mates.

Dr. Dean

Here's a breaking story: Howard Dean is a gutless wonder. A cream puff in granny pants who needs to be spanked hard and good. He should be passed around in a biker bar, like a pint of Mad Dog, until he can't sit down for months.

I only say this because last Thursday, the Democratic National Committee Chairman said that swing voters in a focus group aired concerns about John McCain's age, and how it affected his health, as well as his views.

This shows the difference between a cowardly leftist and a bad ass conservative. Rather than coming out and saying "Don't vote for the guy, because he's old and frail," Dean shifted that belief onto unnamed voters - so he didn't appear "age-ist," or get nailed for saying what he really thinks. What a weak-kneed, cowardly little nebbish.

I have news for Dean - McCain could kick the living shit out of you. Any day, any time, blindfolded, arms tied behind his back - he could make you yelp like you did after your humiliating third-place defeat in the 2004 Iowa caucuses. Remember that, you toad-faced, sputtering chucklehead?

But more important to remember, Howie, is that unlike you, McCain has the guts to speak his thoughts without simultaneously disowning them. While you knocked McCain's "old-fashioned" views, you claim that the Democratic Party won't invoke McCain's age in the fall. But that's because you're doing it now.

But keep doing it, Howard. Remember how great it worked for Mondale.

Progressive paranoia

So there`s a new study claiming that a third of the population experiences moments of paranoia. The other two-thirds are probably totally behind it.

In the research, they placed a bunch of people on a computer generated subway ride, during which the volunteers could walk around the car, interacting with "virtual" passengers who acted like real people. No one was molested, and most of the real people felt the fake characters to be friendly. But - almost 40 percent felt excessive anxiety or fear by these virtual passengers.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking - because I can read your thoughts. (I have placed tiny transmitters in your fillings for that very reason.) "Why do they come up with this crap - when they could be doing something far more useful, like creating virtual strip clubs where I can go and not worry about getting gonorrhea from a hologram?" My thoughts - and yours - exactly.

Anyway, the findings don`t surprise me. Because I`ve always been paranoid over the fact that there are a lot of paranoid people on this planet. Seriously – we`re basically part of a larger conspiracy, one engineered by paranoid people bent on making us more paranoid than we already are.

Who are these conspirators? Well, they are basically anyone who needs to appear smarter than you. That`s the point of conspiracy – that I know something that you don`t. You see this most often in the broken minds of aging leftists like Gore Vidal and Sean Penn. Is it no wonder that almost all conspiracy nuts are progressives – the same pessimistic, overwrought desire to hate individualism but embrace bureaucracy is the same virus that drives paranoid delusional thinking.

What was I saying? Oh yeah - Whether it`s Walmart or the fillings in your teeth – you`re all too stupid to see what I see - that they`re all part of a bigger conspiracy to control our lives. And wouldn`t you know that – because I am so much smarter than everyone else – I happen to know who is running the whole thing. It`s Estelle Getty, star of the Golden Girls. It`s she must be stopped before our entire world turns into some sordid sick fantasy played out on a ship deck with Bea Arthur in compression hose.

Heston

You know what's great about being a conservative - besides the orgies, the high grade stimulants and the free snuff films? The way people who hated you when you were alive now like you when you're dead. When Reagan died, he was praised by scoundrels who dogged him all his life, and now the same thing is happening to straight-up, bad-ass Charlton Heston.

An obvious example, of course, is the New York Times - which rarely had a kind word to say about either man. But now that they're dead - the Times had nothing but carefully worded praise for their careers.

And then there's Michael Moore. Probably the biggest - and most sanctimonius sack of feces on the planet - he's widely known for stitching up a confused Heston in his anti-gun movie Bowling for Columbine. Moore told Heston he was a lifetime member of the NRA - a sleazy ploy to get the actor to talk to him.

While being filmed, Moore mercilessly chided Heston on his pro-gun stance, while a befuddled and clearly fatigued Heston remains polite until he finally gets up and leaves. But of course, Moore chases him down (not hard since Heston hobbles) to wave photo of a dead child in his face. Moore, beyond sorrowful, leaves the photo on Chuck's patio. The creep thinks he creamed Chuck, but he came out the fool. It was disclosed later that he had Alzheimer's. Heston, not Moore.

I bring up Moore because if you go to his Web site, you'll find a memorial photo of Heston, along with the date of his birth and death. If Moore was any kind of man, hed take that down, instead of pretending to care. But the world is far from perfect. If it was, Chuck would shot him for trespassing back when he had the chance.

KFC

There's nothing worse than seeing an old friend go through an identity crisis. Once self-assured, he proudly walked, or clucked, with his head held high. But then after a taste of failure, he begins to question his very worth. I speak not of a political candidate, or even my favorite masseuse, Tandelayo Schwartz - who has the softest hands and feet in the business. I am referring to Kentucky Fried Chicken - possibly the greatest restaurant ever to put food in a bucket. Okay - they were the only restaurant ever to put food in a bucket, but still - the profound brilliance of their crispy delight could never be denied. You could eat their chicken, and then use the bucket when the diarrhea hits.

But now KFC is changing and, in select cities, the brand will become Kentucky Grilled Chicken. They're introducing grilled meat, an item with less fat and salt than the original fried glop. To be extra safe, wear a helmet while eating it.

There will be new signs to promote this healthier fare, and even the buckets are getting a makeover . But to me, making KFC healthier is like teaching Jenna Jameson how to read. That kind of enhancement is unnecessary.

The goal to entice health conscious consumers to KFC is a spurious one - for there are a million places for the lycra-wearing loons to get a salad. KFC should reject them, and brazenly encourage us toward our next, inevitable coronary. Fried chicken may be bad for you, but that's what makes it good for you.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

SATIRE ALERT

Hillary; Courage Under Sniper Fire

"I remember landing under sniper fire," Mrs. Clinton reminisced about a 1996 trip to war-torn Bosnia. "There was supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get to our base."

What bravery! I haven't been so awestruck by the courage of a Democrat leader since John Kerry spent Christmas in Cambodia.

But less than a New York Minute after Hillary astounded us with her tale of heroism, the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy was already calling her a liar. The Conservative Broadcasting Service (CBS) even aired archival footage of a giddy First Lady springing off her plane in Bosnia to a friendly greeting ceremony and mingling with the crowd.

Sure, Hillary's story may seem like a lie when you contrast it with the truth, but only a partisan hack would go to such trouble. Besides, who among us can honestly say they've never accidentally provided incorrect information in a job interview? We've all done it at one time or another. I erroneously claimed I was that guy in front of the tanks at Tiananmen Square when I was up for my teaching job at Evergreen State College.

Okay, my mistake. Turns out I've never even been to China. Time goes by, memories fade. I'm only human.

Hillary, on the other hand, has at least been to Bosnia. Maybe she got a few of the other details wrong. It was 12 years ago, folks! I can't remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone whether or not I was fired upon by enemy snipers in a foreign land 12 years ago! Can YOU?

We can continue to engage in the Politics of Personal Destruction and tear Hillary apart for having a less than perfect memory, but I swear unto you that America would be losing a great Commander-in-Chief, and a damn fine Marine.

This is no load of crap

I got up this morning and because of a number of issues having to do with my surgery I was really sore and it took some time to roll out of bed and head to the head (that’s the bathroom for those who live the landlubber life) and all I kept saying to myself was “aw-shit”.

Shit is a powerful word.

Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it.

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.

People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.

There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit.

There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink Twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit.

Some shit doesn't stink while other things really smell like shit.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit.

Sometimes you'll find shit on a stick, sometimes you'll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find shit at all.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can't cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit.

Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.

You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.

This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP.

Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Satire Alert - you have surgery and get drugs that makes the seemingly rational look truthful

A Special message form Gerald Ferraro

Hello, I'm Geraldine Ferraro, former Congressperson from New York, former Ambassaperson to the UN, and the winner of a Tony Award for my critically acclaimed portrayal of Mark Twain in the Broadway musical, Cats.

Today I'd like to talk to you about race. The Presidential Race, that is! As you may know, my dear friend Hillary Clinton has been facing some fierce competition from Barack Obama in her run for the White House. Many of you have probably already succumbed to Jungle Fever and joined his bizarre sex cult. But the fact of the matter is that Obama in only where he is today because he is Black. If he were a white man, he'd still be back on the plantation, eating watteymelon and singing Negro spirituals in a deep baritone.

Don't ever let anyone hear you say that, though. In today's hostile political climate, you can't make a disparaging racial remark about somebody without everyone calling you a "racist". That's because it's easier for Obama to inject race into the campaign and launch personal attacks than debate Hillary on the issues. It's how the Good Ol' Boys in the Grand Ol' Party operate. Ol' Walter Mondale can attest to that. There wasn't a day that went buy that Reagan didn't make some snide comment about Wally's homosexuality. Too bad Mondale was white or he'd be President today. And I'll be the first one to admit that if my name was "Gerald" instead of "Geraldine", I never would've been his running mate. Heck, if my name was Skip Stephenson, I wouldn't even be talking to you right now.

Alright. I'm going to be completely honest with you people. I'm not always 100% sure exactly who I am. Sometimes I get a little confused. Just last night, my wonderful wife says to me "Hal, you are NOT Geraldine Ferraro! Stop putting on make-up and issuing statements to the press! And stop pooping in my sock drawer!" Then a cold wave of fear will sweep over me, because I'm pretty sure I saw the ol' battle axe get devoured by that monster under the stairwell. Or was that Adrienne Barbeau? Yes, yes. I'm almost certain it was. What a rack on that gal! I would've married her, too, if she were a white man. I was fortunate enough instead to marry that beautiful actress from Designing Women, Delta Burke.

That would make me Gerald MacRaney, wouldn't it?

Gerald!!!! Then Good God, how the hell did I get to be Vice President?

What you probably don't know but I will say

So in the last week, someone in Obama's camp had to step down for saying something mean about Hillary, and then someone in Hillary's camp had to step down for saying something mean about Obama. And now, we're about to see David Paterson become governor of New York - and I'm willing to bet that no one is a going to say anything bad about him. Why? Because if they do, they will be fired. Mr. Paterson is not only black, but he's legally blind - two things that immediately earn him the "success against all odds" news peg, which I'm sure he deserves. I predict a glowing portrait of him in USA Today, with fourteen accompanying pie charts and a sidebar on how many Americans are affected by legal blindness. Sandy Duncan might weigh in with a thoughtful commentary about how few movies roles are available to women with impaired vision.

But should all of this prevent us from examining DP's intriguing past? Not me. I don't see color, and I don't see blindness. My vision is actually 20-400, so you could say I'm blind to blindness, much in the way Paterson is blind to common sense. I am referring to his wacky effort to push legal changes to hinder police use of firearms. In order to stop an armed criminal, he wanted officers to aim at the thug's arm or leg - in order to wound, instead of kill. If the officer disobeys, he could go to jail for manslaughter.

Now, I know something about guns, and I know a little about criminals. And believe me, when criminals are attacking innocent civilians, their intent is not to wound, but to render their victims helpless - which often involves splattering their innards all over a sidewalk. So in effect, Paterson believes that the guy who's going to blow your head off for your IPOD Nano is more valuable to society than the poor cop trying to protect you.

Thankfully, this legislation hasn't passed yet, but we shouldn't ignore this idiocy simply because the gentleman behind it has an inspirational story to tell. For me anyway, it will fall on deaf ears.

And if you don't agree with me, then you Sir are worse than Hitler with a blind fold on.

The Ben and Jerry Endorsement of B. Hussein Obama

So Ben & Jerry's founders have endorsed Barack Obama for President, and will lend two "Obamamobiles" to drive around and give away "Cherries For Change" ice cream. The hippie millionaires explain that Obama represents real, inspirational change. Just like heart-stopping ice cream.

But as always, whenever you ask anyone what this change REALLY is, you get nothing. Why? Maybe because if we get into specifics - Obama's support will melt like a bowl of Chubby Hubby in the noonday sun.

This stupid endorsement actually illustrates the problem with change. Change means nothing if it's not defined as either good or bad. For example, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream has definitely changed our country... by making us all fatter and more unhealthy. Just by looking at a pint of Phish Food, you'll need a coronary stent and possibly a gastric bypass. I should know. I ate a tub for breakfast, and I went from a size 34 to a 38 waist. But is that good change? My turduckengals would say no. Or just gently weep under my immense weight.

Finally, I wonder if Obama would happily accept a similar endorsement from a gun manufacturer or a tobacco company. Frankly speaking, Ben and Jerry's ice cream is simply the dairy equivalent of an Uzi. Except it takes you years to die, instead of seconds.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Cherry Garcia.

Stop bitching about Exxon and corporations in general

If you're like me, you hate evil corporations. Mainly because they're rich, they have nicer cars, sleep in fluffy beds, and for breakfast they feast on the tender limbs of malnourished children from underdeveloped nations. (Usually folded into egg-white omelets.)

But the reality is - corporations are nothing more than large groups of people. Like fraternities. But they make heaploads of money and without them we'd all be dead. On his blog, Economics professor Mark J. Perry points this out brilliantly - that while we obsess over corporate profits, no one gives them credit for the massive taxes they pay to keep our country afloat.

I had a conversation (a short one) with someone I care deeply about and she mentioned how outrageous the profits of Exxon were. When I asked if she understood how and why the profits of Exxon were so big she just shrugged her shoulders and said they charged too much for gas.

Well---that’s just wrong. Exxon sells gas and they make about 8 cents a gallon in pre-tax profit on every gallon they sell. That’s after you take out the cost of finding the gas, drilling for the gas, brining the gas to the surface, refining the gas , distributing the gas to the stations and all while employing hundreds of thousands of people to do all this they end up with 8 cents pre-tax. So if they sell 100 gallons they make 8 dollars. If they sell 8 trillion gallons they make 64 billion dollars. They didn’t screw anyone, they didn’t gouge anyone, and they just sold more gas. Which begs the question , why are they the villains for being successful? As an aside the government takes 54 cents in taxes from that same gas production and sales and they put $432 billion into their pockets

Exxon paid 30 billion dollars last year in taxes - which is as much in taxes, annually, as the bottom 50% of individual taxpayers. We're talking 65,000,000 people! 65 million and one, if you count Ira Rabinowitz. And did you know that the tax rate for the bottom 50% is only 3% of adjusted gross income. For Exxon it's 41%. Meaning that, it's not the corporations who've been getting a free ride- it's the poor! And as another aside the government paid NOTHING on the $432 billion they took in

Isn't it time we stopped beating up on corporations and started loving them? For my part, I offer to attend any corporate retreat that involves scream therapy and wearing cullottes.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

UC Berkley

For those of you who missed it and that would be most of you especially my special reader, last week the Berkeley city council voted to kick Marine recruitment out of town, and passed resolutions giving Code Pink, a anti-troop group, a place to park in front of the station in order to harass the Marines. It was then I thought --- through a pain killing drug fog --- that if Berkeley rejects the military, the military should reject Berkeley - and armed invasions should be encouraged to turn the city into a place where progressivism can truly flourish - Burma, if you will. But with more beheadings and nothing but black, Burkas.

Now, Berkeley is backtracking. The asshats on the council say they never meant to offend the military and are scrapping the letter that says the marines are unwelcome. The mayor has apologized (I giggled).

Why the second thoughts? Did they realize they were wrong? Did they have a sincere change of heart? No. They caved in faster than you can say, "there's a hockey stick stuck in my rectum" because Republican senators planned to yank millions in federal funding from Berkeley and give it to the Marines instead.

So what does this tell you about Berkeley, its mayor and its councilmen and women? That they're not just crunchy misguided morons, but cowards to boot. Its one thing to cling to an ideology that impresses people in Los Angles but it's another to abandon it when you realize the government won't support it.

Nobody should suggest that those who have not worn the uniform are less than those who did. There is nothing wrong in agreeing or deciding that the military may not be the life you would choose or care to participate in. But as a City Council of an American City to tell the defenders of the very freedom’s you enjoy to shut up and get out of town because you think they are barbaric only to back down when you realize that you won’t get government funding is beyond the pale even for a city in California. Which translates into the notion that if one were to decide to give the USA a giant enema of sulfuric acid and liberal Kool-Aid the hose should be inserted in Berkley the now known as the asshole of the United States.

Congratulations Berkeley - on being Berkeley. You put the UC in suck.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler.

A Cry For Help

The four most overused words in the English language? "A cry for help." Whenever someone does something stupid - whether it's exposing their genitals to parking attendants or having sex with a mango - the experts call it "a cry for help." That's because a cry for help excuses any responsibility for the behavior, and it allows wall-eyed creeps like Dr. Phil the opportunity to make a buck. It's getting to the point that when you hear a real cry for help, you simply ignore it.

Case in point: Takahiro Fujinuma, a lonely Japanese man who called directory assistance ten thousand times, pleading with the female operators not to hang up. Today, he was arrested in Tokyo. The charge: obstructing a business.
But here was a case where the cries for help were literally cries for help! And no one cared. My only explanation for such callousness is that we've grown immune to real sorrow - instead focusing our sympathies on people who don't need it - like depressed starlets, animals stuck in grates, and of course, Josh Groban.

Me - I prefer to focus on real cries for help. True, many of these cries come from my basement. But that's why I've invested 4,500 dollars in high performance, sound absorbing thermal insulation. I suggest you do the same.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than Hitler!