Democrats invested in our demise

Finally the Bush Administration seems to be standing up and getting their side of the story told .. loudly.

Just two days ago Bush mentioned enemy casualty figures in the war against Islamic fascism. Up until now we've been pretty much limited to details on how many American soldiers were killed on any given day or month. Yesterday – finally – the president told the American people that this year our soldiers have been killing an average of 1,500 Islamic radicals a month. Good. Wish it were more. The American people need to know that our guys are doing their job ... sending these Muslim menaces to their final rewards.

Now we're getting some interesting details of an interview of National Intelligence Director Mike McConnell published in the El Paso Times. McConnell has disclosed some interesting new facts about how our courts have made it difficult to monitor conversations between terrorist suspects – even if they aren't in this country!

Some gems from the McConnell interview:

If you have an Islamic terrorist suspect in the Middle East talking to another Islamic fanatic in Indonesia .. and if that conversation goes through a switching station or some wire in the United States, then our intelligence agencies need to get a warrant to listen to what's being said. Come on now. Can you imagine anything more absurd? Neither of these Islamic goons are in this country, and neither of them have any Constitutional protections whatsoever. Neither of them are entitled to any due process under our laws ... yet our good guys have to get a freaking warrant to listen to what they're saying to each other?

Then there's the FISA court. FISA stands for Foreign Intelligence Secrecy Act. This is the super-secret court that is supposed to expedite warrants that allow our intelligence agencies to monitor conversations between Islamic terrorist suspects overseas and an individual in this country. How long does it take to get one of these warrants? Try 200 hours. That's 200 hours to get one warrant to monitor one telephone number. Is this how we fight the war against these Islamic fanatics?

Oh ... one more thing. Just how many people inside this country are currently being monitored because of their contacts with known terrorist suspects? Try 100. That's it. Just 100. This is what the Democrats have been screaming and rendering their garments over. Who the hell's side are they on, anyway?

Now we have a law ... a law for the next six months, anyway ... that gets our intelligence people around some of these problems. The Democrats have made it clear that they are going to do everything to kill that law as soon as they can.

And you want to trust these people with our security?

Let me know how that works out for you.

Rove is Responsible for Everything

While I was away on vacation visiting my prostate, Karl Rove, A.K.A. "ROVE--ZEBUB," the undisputed prince of darkness, destroyer of all that's holy, slayer of infants and puppies, enemy of freestyle rap, resigned. I suppose some people might see that as a coincidence, but not me, for I know that where there`s smoke, there`s fire.The left blames Rove for many things, but they stop just short of the truth. Rove timed his exit to coincide with my vacation because he wanted to avoid the flashlight of truth he knew I would cast on him if I hadn`t been playing strip Parcheesi with my Urologist.

Karl Rove, as you know, is an anagram for "ark lover." Which makes sense, when you notice the lack of government money invested in highways and bridges. Only a man who prefers to travel by ark would be so insensitive - so insensitive that during his stint working for George Herbert Walker Bush's 1980's vice presidential bid - there were EIGHT major plane crashes. I have noted this before: This is no coincidence for someone who benefits directly from the production of arks. What if I were to tell you that one of the planes was a DC-10, which crashed in Mexico City. Which is in Mexico. HOME TO MEXICANS. Is this no surprise, since Bush is meeting with the President of Mexico this week? Certainly not for Rove, who as I speak, is placing an order for chalupas. 14 million of them, actually.

But wait, it gets worse, people. I wrote about this two years ago: In 1993, when Rove began advising George w. Bush's gubernatorial campaign, almost immediately, Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall died. Rove probably did a little Pirouette - not unlike something Rudolf Nureyev might have done, if he also hadn't had died that year. Rove had only been at it for a year, and already a black and a Russian had died.

Rove's favorite drink?

You guessed it: a Black Russian.

So why did Rove resign last week? Obviously it was to deflect attention from a bigger story. That of David Beckham. Why is he here? Well, the official story would have us believe it is to play "soccer," for something called the Los Angeles Galaxy. While the country fixates on Beckams biceps, we took our eyes off the real ball - and that is Posh Spice, who is currently planning a Spice Girls Reunion. The reunion is stretching across the globe, much like "blue-ear" pig disease, which is already destroying hundreds of thousands of swine in China.

Only one person on the planet could have orchestrated this sequence of events....and that is Karl Rove, who's favorite breakfast meat - don't you know - is bacon.

Which, as you know, comes from pigs.

Well, I`m not going to stand idle while this man is allowed to keep monkeying with global affairs. I`ve set a trap for him, in my basement. I`ve painted it to look like a Taco Bell, and I`ve set a cage above a mound of freshly fried bacon with an entrance through the gararge. When I catch him, the left will have to find something else to do with their time, now that they will no longer have Rove to blame for everything wrong with the world.

I suggest Scott Baio. He's 45 and single. What's that about? Do you think Chachi is----ya know. Or how about Woodrow Wilson? No one ever talks about him. Two words: free ride.

Left on Hollywood Blvd.

According to the New York Post, the only member of the Hollywood elite they know who is backing a Republican is Kelsey Grammar, who's giving money to Guliani. I always liked Frazier. The rest of Hollywood, from Ben Stiller and Toby Maguire to Speilberg and Streisand are chucking their wealth at the Democrats.

Why do nearly all Hollywood actors and actresses act like sheep? I pin it on the thirst for fame, which is based on an insatiable need for approval. It's what draws people to Hollywood. And it's this same craving that drives people to become liberals. When one becomes a liberal, he or she advocates tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, is doing so for purely selfish reasons. It's the human equivalent of a puppy's face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. Also, like puppies, many liberals go number one on the floor when they're nervous. In short, liberalism is based on one desire: to look cool in order to get approval. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler than saying something like, "please lower my taxes," which personally gets me hot, but did nothing for my E-harmony Profile.

This is why the only true form of rebellion left on this planet is rejecting the trademark forms of romantic rebellion like anarchy, activism, nipple rings or tribal tattoos. The anti-rebel is far more subversive because every day he or she says things that aren't sanctioned and certainly aren't considered cool among the media elite.This is why Dick Cheney is closer to the Hell's Angels than Hunter S. Thompson ever could be. And why Jon Stewart is about as daring as a diaper filled with Nilla Wafers.Which, by the way, is not very daring. Or comfortable, for that matter.

Hanoi Jane set the table, and the left still eats the big one.

Even when war is good, it's bad. And when it's bad it's hell.

Case in point – former NFL player Pat Tillman was killed in battle. Worse, he was the victim of friendly fire. Even worse, his investigation was mishandled and messy, probably due a general panic over killing a well-known hero. But what can be worse than that? How about the left using Tillman's tragic death for political gain?

What kills me is that the left, as a rule, holds folks in the military in contempt--They think that the troops are ignorant pawns trained to kill. But if a patriot can be used to undermine the very beliefs or institutions he himself tried to protect, then the left embraces him. That's what's happening with Tillman.

On some leftwing blogs, idiots like to note that Tillman was a fan of Noam Chomsky, an intensely anti-American sociopath who believes terrorists are right. They claim that Tillman was scheduled to meet Chomsky, and that he was an outspoken Bush critic who planned to vote for John Kerry. The point of all this? To bolster their conspiracy theory that Tillman was killed, and his death covered up, to silence his anti-war views.

Of course they would believe this – because that's something Joseph Stalin and Chairman Mao would have done – two leaders our contemporary left admire deeply. The fact is, the left would go to great lengths to silence their dissenters, and so they assume everyone else would do the same.

So, a man is dead in an enterprise called war. He volunteered and fought valiantly. For the left to use him to score points against their own political enemies make them the lowest form of scum on earth, right there with terrorists, bombers and people who wear sandals to work. If you disagree with me, I'll see you in my backyard this weekend. I'll be the guy wearing an NVA (North Vietnamese Regular) uniform with a hole cut in the back.

Terror and Hate Crime in New York

Almost 6 years after Bush read a story about a little girl to his pet goat, New York has once again fallen victim to an unspeakable act of terror. This time, the dark forces of hate and intolerance have struck the quiet campus of Pace University, where a paperback copy of the Holy Quran was founding floating in public toilet like one of Grampa's unflushed turds.

School authorities were ready to just write the whole thing off as an act of "vandalism" and forget about it, until a group of courageous Muslim Students stepped forward to demand they behead the Jew who committed this terrible Hate Crime - or any Jew, for that matter. To allow such and egregious insult to the Religion of Peace go unpunished risked a Muslim Blacklash, and leaders of the Muslim Community could not be held responsible for any violence or bloodshed they'd personally incite should the school refuse to act.

So without a moment more of hesitation, a campuswide manhunt was launched and the vile hate-criminal was brought to justice. The Muslim Community will sleep soundly tonight knowing that one Stanislav Shmulevich is behind bars. Thanks to New York's progressive legislation against Hate Crimes, he'll be facing up to 4 years in prison for tossing a Koran into the crapper.

Unlike the 2,000 year-old book of fairy tales known as "The Bible", the Holy Quran is sacred to the followers of Islam and must be treated with respect, never mishandled nor mutilated, and always carefully left at the bar where you get your lap dances the night before you plow a plane full of screaming passengers into a skyscraper. So Pace University officials ask that in the future, students wishing to exercise their First Amendment right Free Speech confine themselves to burning U.S. flags or smearing feces on the Virgin Mary.

Going Green with logic

HOW TO SAVE THE EARTH, ONE HUMAN AT A TIME

Many of our most thoughtful environmentalists are telling us that our planet is
facing an unfathomable calamity. The combination of unbridled overpopulation and increasing greenhouses gases puts us on a path to destroy Mother Earth - unless we do something now. Two of the major suggestions to prevent such disaster were unveiled this week: in England, scientists suggested creating compulsory restriction on family sizes, to reduce the global population. Meanwhile researchers in Japan suggest an end to eating meat, since the environmental cost of a few pounds of beef is responsible for more
pollution than driving a car for three hours.

I have examined this problem closely and realize there is a simple answer to this dilemma. If overpopulation and consumption of animals cause major harm to our planet, then we can simply eradicate both threats through cannibalism.

Let's eat each other.

Like acupuncture and Yoga, cannibalism has been around for many centuries. And as you know, we are willing to embrace anything associated with ancient, spiritual cultures. And believe me, you can't get much more ancient or spiritual than a self-consuming practice that protects animals while paying tribute to our lovely planet. What I'm talking about is a healing process for the earth.

But in a pot.

With carrots and maybe some spring potatoes.

Because in order to embrace modern environmentalism, you must reject any exceptionalism about humanity, or any possibility that something good might come from creating more people.

So dig in. I suggest we start with Al Gore. He's got some meat on those bones!

Hildabeast

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who recently dazzled Black audiences with her Stepin Fetchit plantation slave impersonation, will grow back her trademark monobrow for the first ever Gay Debates next month. In addition, she plans to sport a traditional Wayne Newton haircut, along with a lovely L.L. Bean flannel pantsuit with matching Gucci combat boots.

While her debate strategy is sure to draw ridicule from the hatemongering homophobes of the Religious Right, Hillary hopes her transformation will send a message to Queer voters that she cares about issues that are important to the Gay Community, issues that typically make less open-minded people want to hide their children or heave all over themselves.

"People like that Manpig and his Merry Band of Breeders in the White House," Hillary whistled through her brand new tongue piercing while menacingly waving a rubber dildo at reporters Tuesday.

Not to be outdone, Senator Barack Obama will bond with Gay voters by donning a feather boa and strutting around the stage at the debates. John Edwards justs plans to be himself.

SATIRE ALERT

Al-Queda is reported to have its strength back!!!!

Despite the Bush junta's attempts to keep it buried, a recently obtained classified report confirms that Al Qaeda's strength has returned to pre-9/11 levels. Osama Bin Laden is on the loose, the Taliban has retaken control of Afghanistan, and terrorists are poised to strike the West.

In other words, things are pretty much the way Bill Clinton left them.

It's understandable then why Repugs wouldn't want this infiormation to come to light: it contradicts everything they've been saying since they stole their way into power. All their yammering about duct tape and visqueen and weapons of mass destruction was simply a ploy to control us with fear. Thank Goddess their lies have finally been exposed. We can all sleep soundly tonight knowing that in spite of Bush's best efforts, the so-called "terrorist threat" warrants about as much attention today that President Clinton gave it when he was in charge.

So there's a new study that says muscular young men tend to have more sex partners than men with less muscles. The research suggests muscles in dudes are like tail feathers in male peacocks: They attract females.

This makes sense - with the exception of abdominal muscles. I HATE people with abdominal muscles, and you should too. I once had abs so I know abs are pointless. The people who have abs only have them to let you know that they have them. It's like a Porsche made of flesh. Except, unlike the car, abs don't actually take you anywhere. Men who obsess over their abs offer nothing to society. I see them in the park and on the beach... always touching their stomachs, as if to remind themselves of their only identifiable trait. Worse, these twerps always strip off to show off their prized possessions. Company picnic? Off comes the shirt. Bowling night? Why not? Dad's funeral? He would have wanted it that way.

Men with abs aren't really men, but women with penis's. Did Winston Churchill have abs? Did Ronald Reagan have abs? Does Jack Nicholson have abs? No, no, and God no. Fact is, abs have become symbolic of what I call "reverse achievement." The more there is of it, the less you've actually done with your life.

Abs are no longer a mark of natural fitness - instead they are an 'ass badge'. If you're bearing abs, then you're probably an ass. Men will see how vain you are and dismiss you. And while a woman may find your abs initially attractive, soon she'll wonder if you care more about them than her. You do.

And yes, it's been about a year since I did crunches and ab work at the gym. I go to the god-damned gym every day but I'm old and the ab work is a killer that I have now rationalized I don't have to do because no woman cares if my old ass has a flat stomach. Oh Yea--I know I should work my abs -- even at my age--but you know what??????

Kiss my ass-badge!

FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING WITH A ROCK CONCERT IS LIKE FIGHTING OBESITY WITH A HOT DOG-EATING CONTEST*

For years, fear mongers have been telling us carbon dioxide emissions caused by our use of energy have created a greenhouse effect that's warming the planet at a rapid and dangerous rate. Yet these people are not the least bit concerned about the amount of carbon and useless hot air that will be spewed into the heavens as a direct result of Live Earth.

The energy needed to power the site of just one venue -- there will be at least seven -- will be enormous. Matt Helders, the perspicacious drummer for the English rock group Arctic Monkeys, which will not be playing at any of the sites, noted that the stage lighting alone will burn "enough power for 10 houses."

The stars can't be expected to walk or bike to the venues, so there's all the jetting around, and it adds up. On their last world tour, Live Earth participant Red Hot Chili Peppers belched 220 tons of CO2 into the skies from their private jet over six months, according to the London Daily Mail. That's more than 20 times what an average person in the developed world will emit in a year.

And don't forget all the gas-guzzling trucks needed to transport the equipment and fume-exhaling buses that idle stage-side, keeping the rock heroes cool as they await their moments in the sun.

Then there's all the garbage that will be generated by the admiring crowds. Two years ago, the Live 8 concert in London produced 150 tons of trash, which had to be picked up and hauled away by vehicles that burn carbon-based fuel.

Oh, and did we mention that General Motors, a multinational company that builds those greenhouse gas-belching contraptions that worry the environmentalists so much, is a sponsor on NBC's overwrought coverage?

Tony Blair---we miss you already

Gordon Brown----Pantload

Gordon Brown (England’s new Prime Minister –for those of you who are University of Florida grads) has banned ministers from using the word "Muslim" in connection with the terrorism crisis.

The Prime Minister has also instructed his team -- including new Home Secretary Jacqui Smith -- that the phrase "war on terror" is to be dropped.

The shake-up is part of a fresh attempt to improve community relations and avoid offending Muslims, adopting a more "consensual" tone than existed under Tony Blair.

Problem solved!

I recommend calling them "silly geese" instead. Then we'll all have a good laugh, and these guys will say pshaw and fiddlesticks to those dopey old car-bombs. Yay Buddy!

As if language will make them (radical Mohamed freaks) more civil. Sheesh!

And don't expect a newspaper to use the word "Muslim" in the very first paragraph of a story about Muslims who are trying to kill people, unless the story is about how we're not supposed to use that word. Despite the fact that it's the thing that ties these terrorists together. In fact, if you ask them, they'll tell you that their religion is the reason they're doing it. But if you point that out, you're some sort of racist. You might hurt somebody's feelings! Not to be vulgar or obscene, but Gordon Brown is an idiot. Although one must consider him an important idiot. Nevertheless, he’s still and idiot.

What now?

Whenever a terror attempt fails - the immediate debate divides into two opposing beliefs: one that makes sense, and one that's just plain nuts.

The sensible one is that terrorism is our biggest threat, and we must eliminate it completely.

The nutty one is that the terror threat has been exaggerated. And we're dealing with incompetents. Worse, our overblown reaction has done more harm than good.

But does it matter who is right? As a government, you must protect your citizens, regardless.

Look at it this way:

-If the terror is real, then you continue destroying all terror cells. And, if possible, take out Sean Penn's camper as collateral damage. If the threat turns out to be exaggerated, you lose nothing, except some time spent at airport security, and maybe your shampoo.

-If the second idiotic belief is right, and there is no terror threat, then you relax security measures and reduce assaults on terror cells. But, here's the deal: if your instincts are wrong, you end up with many thousands of US citizens dead. That's not a good thing, even if you're Rosie O'Donnell.

So the only solution to the terror problem - regardless of how large or small you believe the threat to be - is to relentlessly capture and kill terrorists and remove every speck of al qaeda from this planet.

That, and deporting Danny Glover to Venezuela.

Torture

British authorities say that they have all the key suspects in custody. Which is great. But what do you do with them now? To assist in hunting down and then killing the masterminds of these and other terror attempts, my suggestion rhymes with "torture."

Because it is "torture." I know, I know. Torture's wrong because it's mean and it's hurtful. But that's the point. Torture is supposed to scare the be-Jesus out of you, even if you have no be-Jesus in you. My guess it also can also scare the be-Mohammed out of you.

To paraphrase John Lennon, give torture a chance.

But first we need to define "torture." Torture is wrong, evil and sadistic -- which is why it works so well on wrong, evil and sadistic people. It's a universal language, like a hug. Or rather, a really painful hug that nearly squeezes the life out of you!

And, one man's torture can be another man's delight. I'm sure some people think the current living conditions at Gitmo is torture. Not me. The idea of being isolated for 23 hours a day, with only one hour of sunlight, is heaven to me. I'm easily entertained, and enjoy talking to myself. And some would agree, having me placed away from people, might be great for all of us.

What of interrogation and sleep deprivation? Is that torture? No. That was my childhood. Cavity searches? Bring it on. It's been so long, really. I'll take what I can get.

Do you really want to know what torture is?

No more Gilmore Girls. Anyone showing me pictures of their cats. Watching a bartender make a mojito while you're waiting to order a drink. Mojitos take forever to make, even though they're just booze mixed with hedge clippings. Who wants to drink hedge clippings?

Answer: not me.

And not you either.

SATIRE ALERT

What's Wrong With Fairness?

The problem with conservatives is that they exist in a world of order, structure, and moral absolutes. Such primitive ideals preclude their tiny brains from comprehending the intellectual superiority of Liberal Talk Radio: a haven for moral relativism, logical fallacies, and hysterical hissy fits fueled by a thinly-veiled narcissistic loathing of the American people. As a result, the balance of political ideals among the dimwitted sheeple herd has lurched perilously to the right, and society is dangerously close to a return of the era of lynchings, cross burnings, and tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans.

Hate Radio proponents insist, of course, that it's all "market driven", and that the greedy broadcasting monopolies only air what people want to hear. That's exactly why it's all so damn UNFAIR. Given the choice between listening to John Kerry badmouth the troops or Sean Hannity badmouth John Kerry, the mouthbreathing, knuckledragging, radio-listening hordes will typically pick the latter. So while a Woman's Right to Choose is sacred, the right to choose what one listens to on the radio is far too important to be trusted to the American sheeple. To preserve our democracy and insure that Liberal ideas never fall victim to the whims of those that they are inflicted upon, we must reinstate the Doctrine of Fairness our Founding Fathers tacked onto the 1st Amendment.

How anyone could oppose something called a "Fairness Doctrine" is beyond me, but the anti-Fairness conservatives hate it almost as much as they hate blacks and gays. That's because deep down they know they can't compete on a Free & Open Market when it's content is controlled by a federal bureaucracy operated by liberals. But the tide is turning. Despite being constantly bombarded by right-wing lies, the imbecilic idgets overwhelmingly returned Congress to its rightful owners last year, and the White House is Hillary's for the taking. We approach the dawn of a A New Age of Fairness, my friends, where poisonous conservative opinions in the media are tempered with an equal portion of tasty liberal goodness.

For every minute Chickenhawk Hannity spends blubbering about how we should all "support the Troops", he will be required by the Rules of Fairness to spend an equal amount of time calling them babykillers and rapists. Every hour fatty pillpopper Rush devotes to attacking Hillary, he will be bound by law to spend another hour sweetly praising her, proudly endorsing her, and making nice comments about her hair.

The Fairness Doctrine would not be restricted to the realm of radio and TV media, either. For instance, high school commencement addresses that extolt the benefits of working hard and becoming financially independent must also encourage students to do lots of drugs, have lots of meaningless sex, and get Liberal Arts degrees. It's only fair.

To some, a Fairness Doctrine may seem like a vast government entity regulating the content of political speech is an infringement on our most basic civil liberties, but "Freedom of Speech" can only exist as long as the selfish pinhead masses are forced to listen to what progressives believe they need to hear, rather than what they want to hear.

Nifong was not alone

The disbarment of Durham District Attorney Michael Nifong should be just the first step in remedying the gross and cynical fraud of last year's "rape" case against Duke University lacrosse players.

Not only is Nifong still liable to civil lawsuits from the three young men whose lives he tried to ruin, and criminal prosecution for his obstruction of justice and making false statements to a judge, there are many other people who disgraced themselves in hyping a lynch mob atmosphere when this case first broke last year.

The New York Times, which splashed these Duke students' pictures on the front page, along with inflammatory charges against them, and went ballistic on its editorial page, carried the story of Nifong's disbarment for prosecuting them on page 16.

The 88 Duke University faculty members who took out a hysterical ad, supporting those local loudmouths who were denouncing and threatening the Duke students, have apparently had nothing at all to say now.

Not only did many Duke University professors join the lynch mob atmosphere, so did the Duke University administration, which got rid of the lacrosse coach and cancelled the team's season, without a speck of evidence that anybody was guilty of anything.

This is one of the few times when Jesse Jackson is speechless, even though he was loudly supporting the bogus "rape" charges last year.

A local civil rights activist even had the gall to accost the mother of one of the accused students at Nifong's disbarment hearings to say that she still believes they were guilty.

The sad and tragic fact is that the civil rights movement, despite its honorable and courageous past, has over the years degenerated into a demagogic hustle, promoting the mindless racism they once fought against.

Although the committee that disbarred Michael Nifong said many things that needed to be said, they muddied the waters by saying that Nifong may have deceived himself before he deceived others.

Nothing that District Attorney Nifong did suggests that he ever thought these players were guilty or that he ever intended to bring them to trial.

The photo lineup presented to the stripper was so completely different from standard procedure that it was virtually an invitation for a judge to throw out any identification resulting from it -- and without that identification, there was no case.

This was not about winning a case. It was about winning an election.

Nifong could not allow a standard lineup to be used to have the accuser identify her alleged attackers, or else her unreliability would have been exposed early on, depriving him of a case to use to get the black vote in his election.

There is not the slightest reason to believe that Nifong was deceived or mistaken. He was not some kid fresh out of law school. He had decades of experience as a prosecutor. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Nor was the New York Times a naive ingenue in these matters. It had backed Al Sharpton's fraudulent accusations of rape in the Tawana Brawley case, which had the same politically correct elements of a black woman accusing white men of rape.

Nor were the 88 Duke faculty members who promoted a lynch mob atmosphere naive. Most were from departments promoting the "race, class, and gender" vision of victimhood.

This case served their purposes. That trumped any question about whether the charges were true or not.

Don't expect any of these people to recant or apologize. But be aware of how wide and how deep the moral dry rot goes.

That such people are teaching students at an elite university is a chilling thought. That they promote a campus atmosphere where political correctness trumps the search for truth is painful.

That such attitudes and such atmospheres are not peculiar to Duke University, but are common on elite college campuses from coast to coast is a time bomb with the potential to destroy individuals and ultimately undermine the whole society.

SATIRE ALERT

That's Progress Damn It!!!

he general consensus among the Retardlican masses is that the term “progressive” is a misnomer, and that liberalism is actually the antithesis of "progress". There is, of course, a wealth of evidence to the contrary, and what better venue for such evidence than this blog?

Hey, I know! I’ll start a new category!

From the construction of sod houses to the abolition of functioning toilets, the That’s Progress! category will highlight articles and news events that demonstrate how progressives, and progressives alone, will lead our society towards a brighter, cleaner, Utopian America.

There was a great piece in the Seattle P.I. this week regarding barnyard animals, and for once it didn't have anything to do with people screwing them. It seems that the city is now using goats to clear away brush and undergrowth where before only humans wielding environmentally-unfriendly machinery were capable of the task. This is an excellent example of the wonderful things we progressives can come up with when there aren’t any conservatives around to take away our hallucinogenic mushrooms. Goats, you see, are the Green, carbon-neutral solution to smog-belching, gas-guzzling bulldozers or hazardous herbicides. Just one of these four-stomached fellows can clear a vacant lot of blackberries in record time, and without murdering a single homeless person. Ten goats can clear acres of land and save countless lives. Plus, the tots just love the critters. So, if you just happen to see a herd of goats stampeding down Pike Street in the middle of the afternoon, don’t be alarmed: That’s Progress!

Or is it? Every goat that Seattle rents takes a much-needed job away from ten city employees and fifteen undocumented workers. Moreover, these goats refuse to assimilate and don’t even try to learn Spanish. And what do you think it does to the undocumented workers’ self esteem to know that they’ve been replaced by livestock? Suddenly, things aren’t as Utopian as they once seemed. Seattle will unfortunately have to turn to the federal government for assistance with one of our brilliant ideas once again. But fully-funded emotional counseling and job training will go a long way towards helping undocumented workers compete with goats on a level playing field. Goats have kids to feed as well, so any displaced by undocumented workers returning to the work force should be allowed to remain on the welfare rolls until they can find suitable employment elsewhere – such as at the Department of Motor Vehicles or perhaps teaching at one of our local universities.

Funding such an ambitious endeavor will of course require not only the revocation of Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, but a financial sacrifice on the part of the other 99 percent as well. Don’t think of it as a tax increase, but rather an investment in our future, one that will be paid back tenfold with the warm thanks and undying gratitude of goats and undocumented workers everywhere.

Democrat=Surrender Monkey

Democrats, with Harry Reid leading the pack, are telling President Bush that his troop surge in Iraq has failed. Now the language may be just a bit different, but what we really have here is leading Defeatocrats public stating that the U.S. is losing in Iraq. Once again we have our lovely Democrats bringing smiles to the faces of our enemies in Iran and Islamic terrorist goons worldwide.

I know that at this point you don't have to be reminded of this ... but Democrats are completely 100% invested in our losing in Iraq. Their chances of taking the White House in next year's election rest entirely on their ability to convince the American people that the Islamic fascists are winning. Every insurgent bomb is a victory for Democrats. Every new school, hospital or retail store that opens in an Iraqi neighborhood is bad news.

Never before has an American political party be so eager for the defeat of American troops in battle.

SATIRE ALERT

Hillary Unveils Inflatable Jesus at Campaign Stop

Senator and future President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke candidly Monday about her belief in a Being perhaps more Divine than herself, and how this Being helped her find a way to package her husband’s Vast, Right-Wing Infidelity as a testament to her own strength and courage.

"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," Sen. Clinton told the crowd of devoutly progressive evangelicals at a Sojourners Call to Renewal forum, which she and two other presidential hopefuls had stumbled into purely by accident. "And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves. But since ya’ll brought it up...”

With a quick tug of the rosary given to the Senator by Mother Teresa at the Pope's funeral, a tall bearded figure sprang forth seemingly from her ass and gazed down upon the startled audience.

“I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my Inflatable Jesus!” Hillary declared to enthusiastic applause.

“Nor I,” John Edwards agreed, giving his own Inflatable Jesus a chummy pat on the back. “I admit I strayed from my faith for a while, but when my teenage son was killed in a car accident outside the mill my father worked at, or when I was campaigning in the Bible Belt, Inflatable Jesus was there for me. Through thick or thin, I knew I could always pull my Inflatable Jesus out of my ass in times of trouble. ”

To woo the hordes of brainwashed Christofascist sheep into their flock, discerning Progressive Candidates turn to The Inflatable Jesus® by Hasbro. Inflatable Jesus is ideal for those who wish to affirm their religious beliefs without letting it interfere with their political agenda. The last thing anyone needs is the Son of God ruining their standing with NARAL, or scaring off the gay vote. But the Inflatable Jesus can be pulled out of your ass and inflated in an instant, then deflated and tucked away when his presence is no longer needed.

Inflatable Jesus comes in three colors: White, Black, and Obama.

Gimme a break---I'm really busy

Yes, As a Matter of Fact, I Am a Lazy Bastard

Thanks for noticing that.

I know, I know - no posts. Sorry, just busy with...stuff? Yeah, stuff. Not bad stuff - everything's fine, I just don't really have time to blog right now.

Wait, I guess that can't be true because I'm blogging right now. Anyway, you know how long stuff can take. OK, maybe you don't. If you do, fine, if not, just take my word for it.

I would put up one of those "I won't be posting very much for a while" posts, but I've had to go back on those before, so just know that it might be a while. Besides, my newest love interest might find time to post something, so I really have no freaking idea what's happening with this blog.

Not in a row!

Tell you what - you don't need to check back here, I'll just e-mail you if I post anything. No, scratch that - I'd have to send out twenty or thirty e-mails, and I'm too lazy for that - you know, the whole 'lazy bastard' thing.

You know what - just forget I said anything.

Amnesty Fraud

Every aspect of the current immigration bill, and of the arguments made for it, has Fraud written all over it.

The first, and perhaps biggest, fraud is the argument that illegal aliens are "doing jobs Americans won't do." There are no such jobs.

Even in the sector of the economy in which illegal immigrants have the highest representation -- agriculture -- they are just 24 percent of the workers. Where did the other 76 percent come from, if these are jobs that Americans won't do?

The argument that illegal agricultural workers are "making a contribution to the economy" is likewise misleading.

For well over half a century, this country has had chronic agricultural surpluses which have cost the taxpayers billions of dollars a year to buy, store, and try to get rid of on the world market at money-losing prices.

If there were fewer agricultural workers and smaller agricultural surpluses, the taxpayers would save money.

What about illegal immigrants working outside of agriculture? They are a great bargain for their employers, because they are usually hard-working people who accept low pay and don't cause any trouble on the job.

But they are no bargain for the taxpayers who cover their medical bills, the education of their children and the costs of imprisoning those who commit a disproportionate share of crime.

Analogies with immigrants who came to this country in the 19th century and early 20th century are hollow, and those who make such analogies must know how different the situation is today.

People who crossed an ocean to get here, many generations ago, usually came here to become Americans. There were organized efforts within their communities, as well as in the larger society around them, to help them assimilate.

Today, there are activists working in just the opposite direction, to keep foreigners foreign, to demand that society adjust to them by making everything accessible to them in their own language, minimizing their need to learn English.

As activists are working hard to keep alive a foreign subculture in so-called "bilingual" and other programs, they are also feeding the young especially with a steady diet of historic grievances about things that happened before the immigrants got here -- and before they were born.

These Balkanization efforts are joined by other Americans as part of the "multicultural" ideology that pervades the education system, the media, and politics.

The ease with which people can move back and forth between the United States and Mexico -- as contrasted with those who made a one-way trip across the Atlantic in earlier times -- reduces still further the likelihood that these new immigrants will assimilate and become an integral part of the American society as readily as many earlier immigrants did.

Claims that the new immigration bill will have "tough" requirements, including learning English, have little credibility in view of the way existing laws are not being enforced.

What does "learning English" mean? I can say "arrivederci" and "buongiorno" but does that mean that I speak Italian?

Does anyone expect a serious effort to require a real knowledge of English from a government that captures people trying to enter the country illegally and then turns them loose inside the United States with instructions to report back to court -- which of course they are not about to do?

Another fraudulent argument for the new immigration bill is that it would facilitate the "unification of families." People can unify their families by going back home to them. Otherwise every illegal immigrant accepted can mean a dozen relatives to follow.

"What can we do with the 12 million people already here illegally?" is the question asked by amnesty supporters. We can stop them from becoming 40 million or 50 million, the way 3 million illegals became 12 million after the previous amnesty.

The most fundamental question of all has not been asked: Who should decide how many people, with what qualifications and prospects, are to be admitted into this country? Is that decision supposed to be made by anyone in Mexico who wants to come here?