Saturday, June 16, 2007


That's Progress Damn It!!!

he general consensus among the Retardlican masses is that the term “progressive” is a misnomer, and that liberalism is actually the antithesis of "progress". There is, of course, a wealth of evidence to the contrary, and what better venue for such evidence than this blog?

Hey, I know! I’ll start a new category!

From the construction of sod houses to the abolition of functioning toilets, the That’s Progress! category will highlight articles and news events that demonstrate how progressives, and progressives alone, will lead our society towards a brighter, cleaner, Utopian America.

There was a great piece in the Seattle P.I. this week regarding barnyard animals, and for once it didn't have anything to do with people screwing them. It seems that the city is now using goats to clear away brush and undergrowth where before only humans wielding environmentally-unfriendly machinery were capable of the task. This is an excellent example of the wonderful things we progressives can come up with when there aren’t any conservatives around to take away our hallucinogenic mushrooms. Goats, you see, are the Green, carbon-neutral solution to smog-belching, gas-guzzling bulldozers or hazardous herbicides. Just one of these four-stomached fellows can clear a vacant lot of blackberries in record time, and without murdering a single homeless person. Ten goats can clear acres of land and save countless lives. Plus, the tots just love the critters. So, if you just happen to see a herd of goats stampeding down Pike Street in the middle of the afternoon, don’t be alarmed: That’s Progress!

Or is it? Every goat that Seattle rents takes a much-needed job away from ten city employees and fifteen undocumented workers. Moreover, these goats refuse to assimilate and don’t even try to learn Spanish. And what do you think it does to the undocumented workers’ self esteem to know that they’ve been replaced by livestock? Suddenly, things aren’t as Utopian as they once seemed. Seattle will unfortunately have to turn to the federal government for assistance with one of our brilliant ideas once again. But fully-funded emotional counseling and job training will go a long way towards helping undocumented workers compete with goats on a level playing field. Goats have kids to feed as well, so any displaced by undocumented workers returning to the work force should be allowed to remain on the welfare rolls until they can find suitable employment elsewhere – such as at the Department of Motor Vehicles or perhaps teaching at one of our local universities.

Funding such an ambitious endeavor will of course require not only the revocation of Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, but a financial sacrifice on the part of the other 99 percent as well. Don’t think of it as a tax increase, but rather an investment in our future, one that will be paid back tenfold with the warm thanks and undying gratitude of goats and undocumented workers everywhere.