Friday, November 05, 2004


  • Continue to alienate guys like Zell Miller—you’re right guys like him are just idiots.
  • There must be a way to sell liberalism to the great unwashed in the Red States—so please keep trying to tell them that Al Sharpton is a credible candidate.
  • You’re absolutely right about those dumb schmucks in flyover country. They’re just too damn dumb to understand that income redistribution is the best way to run an economy.
  • Never stop telling the American Electorate how stupid George Bush is.
  • You must do a better job of claiming voter suppression. So what if over 120 million voted this time—you lost—so obviously YOUR voters were systemically suppressed.
  • Now that all of the 11 States of the old Confederacy have gone republican and 18 of the 22 Senators are now republican does not warrant changing the tactic of telling those dumbass Southerners that they are nothing but racist trash and that NASCAR is for beer swilling twits. You don’t need them anyway!
  • Make John Zogby the Party’s official pollster.
  • Keep nominating those very haughty Northeastern liberal stalwarts. While you have had a small setback don’t let that change your mind that you are right and those church going lunatics are just too ignorant to know that they are wrong. I mean—the nerve of those rednecks!
  • Spend more time with the Hollywood elite. While it doesn’t seem to garner any votes you have been getting the vast majority of their money and that has to count for something. After all—they are the pretty people.
  • Please keep making more appearances with Michael Moore. It’s only a matter of time until he is revered as Harry Truman.
  • Getting Al Franken out there is another feather in your cap. Keep up the good work. You just gotta love his radio program.
  • It's time you make Paul Krugman the official economist and political pundit of the Party. And don't for one minute think that he is more smarmy than --say--Michael Moore. Not true! He's cute.
  • Make sure you re-elect Terry McAuliffe as your Party Chair. He’s doing a fabulous job!
  • Write letters to Ted Kennedy and Chuck Schumer right now making sure that they immediately begin the filibuster process on any Bush judicial nominee. That seemed to win a lot of voters in this last election cycle. I don’t think it’s important that the Republicans gained five Senate seats. That was a fluke.
  • Don’t listen to James Carville about remaking the Party and its image and goals. What the hell does he know?
  • Make Howard Dean the Ombudsman of the party and make sure that he is on the talking head shows at least once a week.
  • If Dan Rather retires from CBS make sure you get him to run for a House seat in Texas . He’s a shoo-in.
  • Make sure you get George Soros to commit more than just a paltry $27 million—the guy can afford it for Christ’s sake. And while getting a bigger participation from MoveOn and ACT keep screaming about campaign finance reform.
  • Make sure you stay aligned with the Trail Lawyers and Big Labor—it’s working –no really—it’s working!
  • Have Senator Boxer introduce legislation to make Wind Surfing the National Pastime. Baseball is way to boring.
  • And listen—if you find out that any republican has a gay son or daughter make sure and tell Senator Kerry so he can mention it in passing on the Senate floor. The folks really like that.