Saturday, June 10, 2006

Book Review: Godless by Ann Coulter

Don't take Ambium as I did, but after a few hits of glaucoma medication, I calmed down enough to write an actual review.

Right-wing hatemonger and purveyor of hate, Ann "Nazi Bitch" Coulter, has upchucked another one of her hateful hatemongering tomes of hate and, as expected, it is packed with her typical hate-filled rhetoric, lies, half truths, and lies. Indeed, there are so many things wrong with this book that I don’t know where to begin. Let’s start, then, with the entire premise.

Coulter’s ignorant assertion that liberals are “godless” is beyond the pale, sagging, cottage cheese-filled angora socks she calls her breasts. In her sheer stupidity, she completely ignores the fact that it is we, the enlightened Progressives of America, who more closely adhere to the altruistic teachings of Christ. Was it not Jesus and his Mary Chain who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor? Was it not Christ himself who stood upon the Mound of Avocados and proclaimed, “Merrily I say unto you, give unto others what belongs unto someone else?” If He didn’t, He should have, and Coulter would do well to remember it the next time Republicans cut taxes, stealing food from the very mouths of the poor and putting it right into the pockets of the wealthy.

Even Ann, with her adam’s apple the size of a bowling ball, can’t deny the truth: If Christ really did exist (rather than being something the Pope made up to ruin everyone’s good time), He’d most certainly be a card-carrying, Big Tent Democrat, in full agreement with the core principles of the People’s Party. In her irrational hatred for all things fluffy, Coulter and her evangelical ilk have hijacked Christ’s message of love and acquiescence to parasites, twisting it into a hate-filled instrument of self-righteous intolerance. Let us not forget that this is the same Ann Coulter who, in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, turned the blame away from Bush and rushed to accuse Middle Eastern Muslim males with smoking trousers, demanding we “invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity”. I doubt Christ would approve of such an attitude, or of Coulter, for that matter - even though He did have a soft spot for prostitutes. Just look at her smirking so smugly on that book jacket, as if she knows anything at all about what it means to be a true Christian. I wish she’d get hit by a bus and dragged for 30 miles over broken glass and rusty razor blades until her entire body breaks out in festering, pus-filled sores. Goddess, she makes me want to POUND MY FACE INTO MY KEYBOARD OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER UNTIL SHARDS OF MY BROKEN NOSE LODGE IN MY BRAIN, KILLING ME INSTANTLY SO I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT SMIRKING NAZI CAKEHOLE OF HERS EVER AGAIN!

Furthermore, Coulter’s presumption that liberalism is a religion in and of itself doesn’t hold water, any more than she can hold her hairy legs together for five minutes. While I consider myself spiritual, I am by no means religious. By definition, a religion requires a belief in a divine being – a supernatural entity that guides and nurtures his faithful flock through life, rewarding them for their obedience while punishing them for their transgressions against his Divine plan. Well, that’s what the government is for, isn't it? There’s no need in worshipping a giant invisible head in the sky when welfare checks rain down like manna from the heavens, is there? And that’s exactly why bible-thumpers like Ann are so afraid of us.

The apocalyptic dogma of a judgmental clergy holds no power over the sheeple herds when we have benevolent progressive leaders grounded by science, who will tell us we can go right on having casual sex without fear of consequences, but the atmosphere will burn off if we don’t correctly sort our recyclables. Jerry Falwell’s superstitious warnings that 9/11 was God's punishment for abortion may fill the collection plate, but there is strong scientific evidence linking Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% of Americans to the destruction of New Orleans – and it can happen again if we continue to vote with our wallets instead of our hearts. It’s called compassion, folks, one of the core principles of both Christianity and Liberalism. Compassion obviously eludes Ann Coulter, who openly mocks Cindy Sheehan, a grieving mother who sacrificed her only begotten son so that the peace movement may live. I hope Coulter overdoses on whatever diet pills she’s been popping and chokes to death on her own vomit, and it takes them THREE MONTHS to find her ROTTING, BLOATED CORPSE at the bottom of a ditch in Pittsburgh, and they can’t even identify her STINKING REMAINS from her dental records BECAUSE CARNIVOROUS MONKEYS CARRIED OFF ALL HER SPARKLY WHITE TEETH.


In conclusion, Coulter’s latest book is little more than the standard litany of her usual lies. Nothing but lies, lies, lies, from the stomach turning cover to the 78 pages of footnotes at the end. It’s hardly worth even bothering to read it. I know I certainly won’t.

(Soooo Bobi, can you see how much fun satire can be?)