Monday, June 06, 2005


A United States Marine was sentenced today to 20 years hard labor for looking sideways at the Koran.

The offense occurred at the Guantanamo Detention Center where Muslim prisoners have filed numerous complaints against guards who they say routinely desecrate the Islamic holy book. Some of the desecrations include:

1. Wearing dirty white gloves while handling the Koran

2. Not being deferential enough towards the holy book. One inmate, Muhammed Ahkbar complained that Marine guards routinely failed to “bow low and scrape their heads against the floor” while in the presence of the Koran. “It is only right that the infidel dogs show homage to Allah in this manner.” Ahkbar said.

3. Guards not being ready for pop quizzes on the Koran by inmates.

4. Guards not washing their hands after urinating and then handling the Koran. This led to a rumor in the facility that a guard had actually peed on the holy book. But after a 6 month investigation costing taxpayers more than $1 million, no proof of the allegation could be found.

In addition to Koran desecration, inmates complain of torture and mistreatment. “My bed is lumpy.” said Saad Rafjani. “I prefer the Serta Extra Firm queen size but these defilers before Allah gave me the twin size.”

One inmate complained about the food. “The lamb is overcooked, the Khoubz tastes like the inside of my AK-47, and you can see right through the water!”

Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita claims that the inmates are comfortable and well fed.