Thursday, June 30, 2005

John Kerry Has Bush's Number (Satire Alert!)

Along with windsurfing, bicycling, and sucking the morale out of our armed forces like an industrial vac, John Kerry has the uncanny ability to predict the content of Bush's speeches and rebutt them in advance. There was little point in me watching Bush spew his jingoist propaganda last night, for Big John had it all covered. He knew that Bush would defy 200 years of presidential tradition and attempt to rally the nation with "Happy Talk" in a time of war. He knew that Bush would try to make us have faith in our country and pride in the troops, despite everything democrats have taught us. And he knew he had to do something about it.

Fearful of coming off like a sore loser, yet he finding himself unable to tolerate Bush's littany of lies, he tookpen in hand to criticize Bush's poorly planned war. A Vietnam war hero thrice wounded in combat, he courageously expressed his disatisfaction with a war he himself supported before he was against it, and that he boldly sort of supports now.

The New York Times was, of course, hesitant to risk their reputation of objectivity by publishing a partisan hit piece. But after going over Kerry's article with a fine-toothed comb and triple-checking all the facts, they threw caution to the wind and printed the article as a service to the American People.
Ever the optimist, Kerry predicted a gloomy outcome for the War in Iraq, unless Bush followed some key advice. Gleaned from previous Bush speeches and policy already in effect, Kerry's bold new ideas are perhaps our best chance to end the Quagmire in Iraq:

1. Bush must announce that the U.S. will not remain in Iraq permanently.

2. The Iraqis must be encouraged to form their own government and hold elections.

3. The Iraqis must be trained to defend themselves.

4. Saddam must be captured and held for trial.

Most importantly, a plan must be set for the withdrawal of our troops and presented to democrats in Congress or, cutting out the middle man, given directly to Al Zarqawi so he can get a jump on the killing fields when we depart.

Oh, America! How wrong you were to send such a brilliant mind back to Boston! What fools you were to toss this bright beacon of hope away like a handful of someone else's war medals! I weep for you, America, for you've missed the John Kerry swift boat of love!