SATIRE ALERT

What's Wrong With Fairness?

The problem with conservatives is that they exist in a world of order, structure, and moral absolutes. Such primitive ideals preclude their tiny brains from comprehending the intellectual superiority of Liberal Talk Radio: a haven for moral relativism, logical fallacies, and hysterical hissy fits fueled by a thinly-veiled narcissistic loathing of the American people. As a result, the balance of political ideals among the dimwitted sheeple herd has lurched perilously to the right, and society is dangerously close to a return of the era of lynchings, cross burnings, and tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans.

Hate Radio proponents insist, of course, that it's all "market driven", and that the greedy broadcasting monopolies only air what people want to hear. That's exactly why it's all so damn UNFAIR. Given the choice between listening to John Kerry badmouth the troops or Sean Hannity badmouth John Kerry, the mouthbreathing, knuckledragging, radio-listening hordes will typically pick the latter. So while a Woman's Right to Choose is sacred, the right to choose what one listens to on the radio is far too important to be trusted to the American sheeple. To preserve our democracy and insure that Liberal ideas never fall victim to the whims of those that they are inflicted upon, we must reinstate the Doctrine of Fairness our Founding Fathers tacked onto the 1st Amendment.

How anyone could oppose something called a "Fairness Doctrine" is beyond me, but the anti-Fairness conservatives hate it almost as much as they hate blacks and gays. That's because deep down they know they can't compete on a Free & Open Market when it's content is controlled by a federal bureaucracy operated by liberals. But the tide is turning. Despite being constantly bombarded by right-wing lies, the imbecilic idgets overwhelmingly returned Congress to its rightful owners last year, and the White House is Hillary's for the taking. We approach the dawn of a A New Age of Fairness, my friends, where poisonous conservative opinions in the media are tempered with an equal portion of tasty liberal goodness.

For every minute Chickenhawk Hannity spends blubbering about how we should all "support the Troops", he will be required by the Rules of Fairness to spend an equal amount of time calling them babykillers and rapists. Every hour fatty pillpopper Rush devotes to attacking Hillary, he will be bound by law to spend another hour sweetly praising her, proudly endorsing her, and making nice comments about her hair.

The Fairness Doctrine would not be restricted to the realm of radio and TV media, either. For instance, high school commencement addresses that extolt the benefits of working hard and becoming financially independent must also encourage students to do lots of drugs, have lots of meaningless sex, and get Liberal Arts degrees. It's only fair.

To some, a Fairness Doctrine may seem like a vast government entity regulating the content of political speech is an infringement on our most basic civil liberties, but "Freedom of Speech" can only exist as long as the selfish pinhead masses are forced to listen to what progressives believe they need to hear, rather than what they want to hear.

Nifong was not alone

The disbarment of Durham District Attorney Michael Nifong should be just the first step in remedying the gross and cynical fraud of last year's "rape" case against Duke University lacrosse players.

Not only is Nifong still liable to civil lawsuits from the three young men whose lives he tried to ruin, and criminal prosecution for his obstruction of justice and making false statements to a judge, there are many other people who disgraced themselves in hyping a lynch mob atmosphere when this case first broke last year.

The New York Times, which splashed these Duke students' pictures on the front page, along with inflammatory charges against them, and went ballistic on its editorial page, carried the story of Nifong's disbarment for prosecuting them on page 16.

The 88 Duke University faculty members who took out a hysterical ad, supporting those local loudmouths who were denouncing and threatening the Duke students, have apparently had nothing at all to say now.

Not only did many Duke University professors join the lynch mob atmosphere, so did the Duke University administration, which got rid of the lacrosse coach and cancelled the team's season, without a speck of evidence that anybody was guilty of anything.

This is one of the few times when Jesse Jackson is speechless, even though he was loudly supporting the bogus "rape" charges last year.

A local civil rights activist even had the gall to accost the mother of one of the accused students at Nifong's disbarment hearings to say that she still believes they were guilty.

The sad and tragic fact is that the civil rights movement, despite its honorable and courageous past, has over the years degenerated into a demagogic hustle, promoting the mindless racism they once fought against.

Although the committee that disbarred Michael Nifong said many things that needed to be said, they muddied the waters by saying that Nifong may have deceived himself before he deceived others.

Nothing that District Attorney Nifong did suggests that he ever thought these players were guilty or that he ever intended to bring them to trial.

The photo lineup presented to the stripper was so completely different from standard procedure that it was virtually an invitation for a judge to throw out any identification resulting from it -- and without that identification, there was no case.

This was not about winning a case. It was about winning an election.

Nifong could not allow a standard lineup to be used to have the accuser identify her alleged attackers, or else her unreliability would have been exposed early on, depriving him of a case to use to get the black vote in his election.

There is not the slightest reason to believe that Nifong was deceived or mistaken. He was not some kid fresh out of law school. He had decades of experience as a prosecutor. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Nor was the New York Times a naive ingenue in these matters. It had backed Al Sharpton's fraudulent accusations of rape in the Tawana Brawley case, which had the same politically correct elements of a black woman accusing white men of rape.

Nor were the 88 Duke faculty members who promoted a lynch mob atmosphere naive. Most were from departments promoting the "race, class, and gender" vision of victimhood.

This case served their purposes. That trumped any question about whether the charges were true or not.

Don't expect any of these people to recant or apologize. But be aware of how wide and how deep the moral dry rot goes.

That such people are teaching students at an elite university is a chilling thought. That they promote a campus atmosphere where political correctness trumps the search for truth is painful.

That such attitudes and such atmospheres are not peculiar to Duke University, but are common on elite college campuses from coast to coast is a time bomb with the potential to destroy individuals and ultimately undermine the whole society.

SATIRE ALERT

That's Progress Damn It!!!

he general consensus among the Retardlican masses is that the term “progressive” is a misnomer, and that liberalism is actually the antithesis of "progress". There is, of course, a wealth of evidence to the contrary, and what better venue for such evidence than this blog?

Hey, I know! I’ll start a new category!

From the construction of sod houses to the abolition of functioning toilets, the That’s Progress! category will highlight articles and news events that demonstrate how progressives, and progressives alone, will lead our society towards a brighter, cleaner, Utopian America.

There was a great piece in the Seattle P.I. this week regarding barnyard animals, and for once it didn't have anything to do with people screwing them. It seems that the city is now using goats to clear away brush and undergrowth where before only humans wielding environmentally-unfriendly machinery were capable of the task. This is an excellent example of the wonderful things we progressives can come up with when there aren’t any conservatives around to take away our hallucinogenic mushrooms. Goats, you see, are the Green, carbon-neutral solution to smog-belching, gas-guzzling bulldozers or hazardous herbicides. Just one of these four-stomached fellows can clear a vacant lot of blackberries in record time, and without murdering a single homeless person. Ten goats can clear acres of land and save countless lives. Plus, the tots just love the critters. So, if you just happen to see a herd of goats stampeding down Pike Street in the middle of the afternoon, don’t be alarmed: That’s Progress!

Or is it? Every goat that Seattle rents takes a much-needed job away from ten city employees and fifteen undocumented workers. Moreover, these goats refuse to assimilate and don’t even try to learn Spanish. And what do you think it does to the undocumented workers’ self esteem to know that they’ve been replaced by livestock? Suddenly, things aren’t as Utopian as they once seemed. Seattle will unfortunately have to turn to the federal government for assistance with one of our brilliant ideas once again. But fully-funded emotional counseling and job training will go a long way towards helping undocumented workers compete with goats on a level playing field. Goats have kids to feed as well, so any displaced by undocumented workers returning to the work force should be allowed to remain on the welfare rolls until they can find suitable employment elsewhere – such as at the Department of Motor Vehicles or perhaps teaching at one of our local universities.

Funding such an ambitious endeavor will of course require not only the revocation of Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, but a financial sacrifice on the part of the other 99 percent as well. Don’t think of it as a tax increase, but rather an investment in our future, one that will be paid back tenfold with the warm thanks and undying gratitude of goats and undocumented workers everywhere.

Democrat=Surrender Monkey

Democrats, with Harry Reid leading the pack, are telling President Bush that his troop surge in Iraq has failed. Now the language may be just a bit different, but what we really have here is leading Defeatocrats public stating that the U.S. is losing in Iraq. Once again we have our lovely Democrats bringing smiles to the faces of our enemies in Iran and Islamic terrorist goons worldwide.

I know that at this point you don't have to be reminded of this ... but Democrats are completely 100% invested in our losing in Iraq. Their chances of taking the White House in next year's election rest entirely on their ability to convince the American people that the Islamic fascists are winning. Every insurgent bomb is a victory for Democrats. Every new school, hospital or retail store that opens in an Iraqi neighborhood is bad news.

Never before has an American political party be so eager for the defeat of American troops in battle.

SATIRE ALERT

Hillary Unveils Inflatable Jesus at Campaign Stop

Senator and future President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke candidly Monday about her belief in a Being perhaps more Divine than herself, and how this Being helped her find a way to package her husband’s Vast, Right-Wing Infidelity as a testament to her own strength and courage.

"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," Sen. Clinton told the crowd of devoutly progressive evangelicals at a Sojourners Call to Renewal forum, which she and two other presidential hopefuls had stumbled into purely by accident. "And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves. But since ya’ll brought it up...”

With a quick tug of the rosary given to the Senator by Mother Teresa at the Pope's funeral, a tall bearded figure sprang forth seemingly from her ass and gazed down upon the startled audience.

“I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my Inflatable Jesus!” Hillary declared to enthusiastic applause.

“Nor I,” John Edwards agreed, giving his own Inflatable Jesus a chummy pat on the back. “I admit I strayed from my faith for a while, but when my teenage son was killed in a car accident outside the mill my father worked at, or when I was campaigning in the Bible Belt, Inflatable Jesus was there for me. Through thick or thin, I knew I could always pull my Inflatable Jesus out of my ass in times of trouble. ”

To woo the hordes of brainwashed Christofascist sheep into their flock, discerning Progressive Candidates turn to The Inflatable Jesus® by Hasbro. Inflatable Jesus is ideal for those who wish to affirm their religious beliefs without letting it interfere with their political agenda. The last thing anyone needs is the Son of God ruining their standing with NARAL, or scaring off the gay vote. But the Inflatable Jesus can be pulled out of your ass and inflated in an instant, then deflated and tucked away when his presence is no longer needed.

Inflatable Jesus comes in three colors: White, Black, and Obama.

Gimme a break---I'm really busy

Yes, As a Matter of Fact, I Am a Lazy Bastard

Thanks for noticing that.

I know, I know - no posts. Sorry, just busy with...stuff? Yeah, stuff. Not bad stuff - everything's fine, I just don't really have time to blog right now.

Wait, I guess that can't be true because I'm blogging right now. Anyway, you know how long stuff can take. OK, maybe you don't. If you do, fine, if not, just take my word for it.

I would put up one of those "I won't be posting very much for a while" posts, but I've had to go back on those before, so just know that it might be a while. Besides, my newest love interest might find time to post something, so I really have no freaking idea what's happening with this blog.

Not in a row!

Tell you what - you don't need to check back here, I'll just e-mail you if I post anything. No, scratch that - I'd have to send out twenty or thirty e-mails, and I'm too lazy for that - you know, the whole 'lazy bastard' thing.

You know what - just forget I said anything.

Amnesty Fraud

Every aspect of the current immigration bill, and of the arguments made for it, has Fraud written all over it.

The first, and perhaps biggest, fraud is the argument that illegal aliens are "doing jobs Americans won't do." There are no such jobs.

Even in the sector of the economy in which illegal immigrants have the highest representation -- agriculture -- they are just 24 percent of the workers. Where did the other 76 percent come from, if these are jobs that Americans won't do?

The argument that illegal agricultural workers are "making a contribution to the economy" is likewise misleading.

For well over half a century, this country has had chronic agricultural surpluses which have cost the taxpayers billions of dollars a year to buy, store, and try to get rid of on the world market at money-losing prices.

If there were fewer agricultural workers and smaller agricultural surpluses, the taxpayers would save money.

What about illegal immigrants working outside of agriculture? They are a great bargain for their employers, because they are usually hard-working people who accept low pay and don't cause any trouble on the job.

But they are no bargain for the taxpayers who cover their medical bills, the education of their children and the costs of imprisoning those who commit a disproportionate share of crime.

Analogies with immigrants who came to this country in the 19th century and early 20th century are hollow, and those who make such analogies must know how different the situation is today.

People who crossed an ocean to get here, many generations ago, usually came here to become Americans. There were organized efforts within their communities, as well as in the larger society around them, to help them assimilate.

Today, there are activists working in just the opposite direction, to keep foreigners foreign, to demand that society adjust to them by making everything accessible to them in their own language, minimizing their need to learn English.

As activists are working hard to keep alive a foreign subculture in so-called "bilingual" and other programs, they are also feeding the young especially with a steady diet of historic grievances about things that happened before the immigrants got here -- and before they were born.

These Balkanization efforts are joined by other Americans as part of the "multicultural" ideology that pervades the education system, the media, and politics.

The ease with which people can move back and forth between the United States and Mexico -- as contrasted with those who made a one-way trip across the Atlantic in earlier times -- reduces still further the likelihood that these new immigrants will assimilate and become an integral part of the American society as readily as many earlier immigrants did.

Claims that the new immigration bill will have "tough" requirements, including learning English, have little credibility in view of the way existing laws are not being enforced.

What does "learning English" mean? I can say "arrivederci" and "buongiorno" but does that mean that I speak Italian?

Does anyone expect a serious effort to require a real knowledge of English from a government that captures people trying to enter the country illegally and then turns them loose inside the United States with instructions to report back to court -- which of course they are not about to do?

Another fraudulent argument for the new immigration bill is that it would facilitate the "unification of families." People can unify their families by going back home to them. Otherwise every illegal immigrant accepted can mean a dozen relatives to follow.

"What can we do with the 12 million people already here illegally?" is the question asked by amnesty supporters. We can stop them from becoming 40 million or 50 million, the way 3 million illegals became 12 million after the previous amnesty.

The most fundamental question of all has not been asked: Who should decide how many people, with what qualifications and prospects, are to be admitted into this country? Is that decision supposed to be made by anyone in Mexico who wants to come here?

SATIRE ALERT

Bush gives the word "Retreat" a bad name:

“So, it has come to this,” I hissed as I crumpled up the announcement that Maharishi Steve’s Annual Yoga Retreat would from now on be officially known as a “Yoga Redeployment”. The whole thing was a sick, twisted joke, and I would have told the Maharishi as much if he had taken his toes out of ears long enough to listen.

The word “retreat” used to invoke pleasant thoughts of relaxing on some tropical shore, or perhaps enjoying a ginseng colonic with friends high in the wooded climes of the misty Cascades. But thanks to a relentless barrage of neo-con propaganda, “retreat” has now taken on a more negative connotation. Even congressional Democrats are afraid to utter the word, preferring instead to use the more palatable ”redeployment” when discussing their Iraq War strategy. Perhaps too eager to make nicey-nice with their Repug inferiors, the well-meaning Dems have failed to take a stand against the right-wing crusade to hijack the English language. Instead of fighting the GOP, they have essentally surrendered - a word the Repugs ironically stole from the benevolent, cheese-eating primates of France.

But it’s not to late for Democrats to take back “retreat” and preserve it for future generations of liberals. A massive marketing campaign must be launched to persuade the voting public not to think of a “retreat” as “fleeing from the battlefield”, but rather “taking a vacation from the war”. If Harry, Nancy, Jack, and all the leading Democrats in congress would make it a point to wear Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts, Panama hats and sunglasses to every Congressional debate on Iraq, it would go a long way towards convincing the American people that with all the mindless bloodshed going on, it wouldn’t hurt everyone to take a little hiatus from reality with their Democrat pals for a while. Ya’ll can go right on fighting Bush’s illegal and immoral war without end, or you can join us liberals for some big, fruity, Appeasement & Capitulation cocktails down on Dhimmi Beach!

Sure, my idea may seem overly theatrical to some, but it’s far better than simply giving up on a word that has come to symbolize the Progressive approach to fighting the War on Terror.

Loretta's Guy - (Can you say "empty suit?)

Barack Obama Sticks To The Facts At The Local Starbucks

Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

Finally! I'm finally here - I made it!

Uh, why are you talking into a microphone?

You know, I've been waiting a long, long time to get to this counter, people. But I'm not discouraged!

Who are you talking to?

I don't know how many of you know this, but I've been in this line for thirty-six hours now. Thirty-six hours!

No you haven't! I saw you walk in five minutes ago.

Some people want to get bogged down in meaningless details. They want to count how many minutes someone's been in a line - as if that means anything!

Hey, you brought it up, I was just...

But we're not going to let them define the debate.

What debate?

No, we're not, because when you take $474.00 out of your hard-earned pay for a Caramel Macchiato, you have a right to expect...

That's not what we charge for a Caramel...

You have a right to expect that you won't get a cup of flavored coffee so hot that it literally burns a path staright to the core of the Earth.

Oh, now you're being ridiculous!

All right, maybe I got that wrong. You know, there are going to be times when I get tired. There are going to be times when I get weary. There are going to be times when I make mistakes.

All right, I guess that's understandable.

Especially at times like this, when I've been up for fifty-three days straight.

That's it! Either order or get out of line.

OK, give me a grande Caramel Macchiato, and make sure it's not so hot that it burns through the blacktop, like last time.

You know that never happened.

Maybe it did, maybe it didn't - I can't tell you what happened after it burned through the floorboard of my car.

Never happened.

...

...

OK, I was holding it between my legs and kinda burned my nuts.

I'll give you an extra cup. That'll be $4.95, please.

Well, here's a one-hundred dollar bill, and I want you to keep the change, because...

This is a five.

Good night, everyone!

...

That guy's one of the most annoying people in the world. No exaggeration.

Surrender Monkeys Win

DATE CERTAIN FOR SURRENDER

Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have finally delivered to Al Qaeda and Islamic radicals across the world a message of American surrender and weakness. Sure, the Democrats call for a specific date for surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq will be vetoed ... but the message is clear. Americans -- at least the party in charge of our congress and our purse strings -- have lost their will to fight. There they were, Pelosi and Reid, standing in front of one of those made-for-TV backdrops reading "Strategy for Security" cutting the legs out from underneath every man and woman serving in our armed forces, not only in Iraq, but everywhere in the world.

Look --- I understand fully that mistakes have been made in this war. I'm one who believes that not enough troops were sent to Iraq in the first place. I still can't understand why we didn't dedicate the resources that were needed to seal the borders with Iran an Syria. Perhaps elements of Saddam's army should have been retained to serve the new Iraq. Mistakes? Sure! But what is the proper course of action when mistakes are made? Do you abandon the project, or do you regroup and forge ahead, perhaps wiser from your experience.

I think that from the very beginning the Democrat leadership has been dedicated to undermining Bush in Iraq any way they can. Their goal has been solitary and simple. Destroy the Bush presidency and pave the way for complete Democrat control in 2009. I truly believe that Democrats are perfectly willing to strengthen Islamic terrorists generally and Al Qaeda specifically if that is what needs to be done for them to destroy George Bush. The desire for revenge for 2000 is that strong. Perhaps the true motivation behind Democrat obstruction and maneuvering might have become more obvious to the American people if it were not for the fact that the mainstream media shared the Democrats goal ... destroy Bush, defeat Republicans, return liberalism to power in Washington.

By the way ... concerning last night's debate ....Hillary Rodham said last night that her vote to authorize the war in Iraq was "based on the information that was available to me at the time." Well, guess what? That is exactly the position President Bush was in when he pressed for war against Saddam Hussein. Hillary gets a pass on her "information that was available to me at the time" line, Bush does not. And so it goes.

Pay no attention to the guy behind the curtain

DEMOCRATS AND THEIR ANTI-CAPITALIST NONSENSE

Well, here we go again. The Democrats are proposing a "windfall profits" tax on oil companies. Gas prices, you see, are on the way up. Americans love to whine about high gas prices. Americans also don't know squat about oil company profits and profit margins, nor could most Americans write a cohesive paragraph on the role of supply and demand in setting prices in the marketplace. When oil companies post their huge profit figures the leftist media is eager to tell the world. Tell me, when is the last time you read a story about oil company profits that contained any reference to profit margin? Yeah .. you're right. Virtually never.

So ... ripe ground for Democrat demagogues. Slamming the very free enterprise system that brought us our incredible standard of living in this country is no problem for a Democrat who wants to exploit the economic stupidity of the American people.

Claire McCaskill is a Democrat senator from Missouri. Yesterday she was sounding like a high school drop out. To paraphrase this brilliant Democrat: "Here's what I don't get! Gas prices go up, and profits go up! I don't get it!" Yeah, Claire, I'm sure you don't.

Now .. .did Senator McCaskill mean profits or profit margins go up? Ask her that question and wait for the big "huh?" Look, Claire. Let me try to explain this to you. The reason gas prices are going up is because the demand for gas is going up and the supply is not rising to meet the demand. When the demand goes up you sell more gas. With me so far? Ok .... concentrate here for a moment. The oil companies make a certain amount of profit on the sale of every gallon of gas. Right now that figure is around seven cents. If the demand goes up you sell more gas. If you sell more gas you make that seven cents per gallon on the additional gallons you sell because of the increased demand. This means your profit goes up. See how hard that was! Now ... I don't want to fry your brain with too much information here, but even though the profits may be going up with the increased demand, that doesn't mean the profit margins are going up.

I'd better stop here. We don't want to give the brilliant Claire McCaskill too much to think about right now. Her mind is on getting back to Missouri for the weekend so that she can tell all her friends at her town hall meetings about her plans to bring these nasty oil companies under control.

Crow just doesn't get it!

Sheryl Crow must think her shit don’t stink. Sure, her announcement that she doesn’t thoroughly wipe her ass seems like something to admire on the surface. But when you consider that a tree still had to die for her single square of toilet paper, you suddenly realize that one square is one square too many.

That’s why long before Crow began daintily swabbing her sphincter with a postage stamp, Refine Design, Inc. had already declared itself a Tish-Free Zone. I’m proud to say that the entire company has completely refrained from wiping for almost six weeks now, preferring to allow our fudge to crust over and naturally crumble away with minimal harm to the environment. Suffice it to say that the policy has been incredibly popular and a great boost to company morale, with only a few soggy diapers in the bunch. That is, until Little Miss Wipes-Alot opened her big yapper. Now I have a potential mutiny on my hands.

“Everything from the waste down is on fire,” Steve from Accounting whined as he crawled on all fours into my cubicle this morning. “I can’t sit in a chair. I can’t walk. I feel like I’ve been sodomized by the entire population of Tijuana. Sheryl Crow uses one square, so why can’t I? One little square, that’s all I’m asking for. One little square!”

“Sure no problem!” I chirped. “Who needs forests, anyway? They’re so overrated. Trees are nice and all, but goshdarnit Steve’s poor little po-po is sore! Oh, and I’ll call the polar bears to let them know that they get to starve to death up north just so Steve can feel a little more comfy down below the equator.”

“My wife left me,” he went on, ignoring my sarcasm. “My kids hate me. Even the dog won’t come near me. This morning, I think I felt something squirming around up there. I have no idea what it is. Frankly, I’m afraid to look.”

“I’ll tell you what it is!” I exclaimed. “It’s an ecosystem! Don’t you see? It would be genocide to wipe your ass now! Sorry, Steve-o, but you’re going to have to just suck it up and live with a little discomfort like the rest of us.”

“’Rest of us’ my @$#*%!” Steve spat back.

“What do you mean?” I asked, eying him suspiciously.

“I mean you look pretty damn cozy sitting there on your supposedly raw and strangely odor-free backside all day. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’d been wiping your ass on the sly, Dickiebrid!”

I sprang out of my chair and pointed an accusing finger at him. “You take that back! I haven’t wiped my ass in weeks! My butt stinks like you wouldn't believe! I have dangleberries the size of Volvos! So don’t you DARE question my commitment to the cause! I have the greenest rectum in this company, and don't you forget it!"

“Sure, whatever you say, Dickiebird,” he replied, his voice lowering to a whisper. “But I sure wouldn’t want such a vicious rumor to get around the office, if you know what I mean.”

Ah, blackmail, is it? Damn that Crow! I know celebrities are used to living a life of luxury, but does she have any idea what a bad example she’s setting with her little extravagance? No matter. We down here on the front lines of the war will take up the slack. Yes, it is a war – a war not only against Bush’s Big Toilet Paper buddies, but a war to save our planet from those who would wipe their asses with the future of our planet.

As I watched Steve crawl away with his ill-gotten square of toilet paper, I knew deep down that even despite Crow’s selfish remarks, it’s a war that we will win.

Kos Kid Moment-(Satire Alert)

Three days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering what could have possibly driven a seemingly bright young man to acts of such unspeakable evil. Was it violent video games? Rap music? Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or was it the result of bad parenting, perhaps?

Highly unlikely. My childhood wasn’t exactly idyllic, but I would never dream of harming another human being. If someone put a gun into my hand, though, there’d be nothing to stop me from marching over to Mr. Caruther’s condo, kicking down his door, and popping a cap into his fat Repug ass.

“YOU MADE ME DO THIS CARUTHERS!” I’d scream at him. “YES, YOU!! WITH YOUR BIG FANCY SCHMANCY SUV AND YOUR SEMPER FI BUMPERSTICKER ON THE BACK AND RUSH FATTY PILLPOPPER BLARING FROM YOUR FANCY SCHMANCY CAR STEREO! I HATE YOU, CARUTHERS!!!! I HATE YOU, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, RIGHT HERE, IN YOUR POORLY DECORATED LIVING ROOM, YOU RIGHT-WING CHICKENHAWK!!!”

“No I’m not,” Caruthers would say.

“OH YES YOU ARE!” I’d insist.

“No I’m not,” he’d insist back.

“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”

“No I’m not,” he'd sigh, and go back to biting the heads off of puppies, or whatever it is that Repugs do when there aren't any Blacks around to lynch or poor people to screw over.

“OKAY, JUST SUPPOSING FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU’RE RIGHT," I'd offer, "EXPLAIN TO ME EXACTLY WHY YOU AREN’T GOING TO DIE LIKE THE NEOCON PIG YOU ARE.”

“Because you left the safety on,” he’d reply with that smug little smirk of his.

“NO I DIDN’T!” I’d say.

“Yes you did,” he’d insist, “and you’re holding the gun wrong. The barrel is supposed to point away from you.”

‘NO IT’S NOT!” I’d retort.

“Yes it is,” he’d volley.

‘NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT!”

“Fine then,” he’d relent. “Go ahead and pull the trigger.”

I’d hesitate for a moment, perhaps caught off guard by his utter stupidity, and he’d seize the moment to quickly snatch the gun from my fingers and pistol-whip me to a bloody pulp right there in his poorly decorated living room.

Mother would show up drunk at the funeral. She’d probably try to get into the preacher’s pants. Then she’d strip naked in front of everyone and start dancing around like she’s back at Woodstock until she clumsily knocked my casket over, spilling my pale, rotting cadaver onto the ground.

‘YOU BITCH!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!”

But the blame for my terrible fate is not hers. It belongs to Bush and his NRA cronies for putting that gun into my hands. You see, it’s not one’s upringing, nor rap music, nor is it being bombarded with violent imagery since before he could crawl that turns a man into a monster. It’s not a culture lacking a moral compass that creates someone who could pick up a gun and murder 33 innocent people without any remorse. It’s George W. Bush.

But it’s also the mere existence and ready availability of guns that drives men to kill one another.

But mostly it’s Bush.

Almost Satire Alert

MORE AND BIGGER SIGNS (for crying out loud)!!

Two days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering why it happened and what can be done to prevent it from happening again. Certainly, more thorough background checks would reveal whether a prospective gun owner had gone on any wild murder-suicide sprees in the past. Mandatory creative writing classes for all firearm purchases would also be a way to determine if someone has an unhealthy obsession with violence and gore, or is simply applying for a job at CBS.

Whether you’re in favor of such sensible gun control laws, or a mind-numbed minion of Chuck Heston, everyone can at least agree that Gun-Free Zones as they currently exist don’t quite work. Although Virginia Tech was a proud “Gun-Free Zone”, firearms still somehow found their way onto the campus. Obviously the so-called “gunman” wasn’t aware that he had entered such a zone, or else he would have thought twice about gunning down 33 innocents before shooting himself in the face. Bigger, bolder “Gun-Free Zone” signs would be harder to ignore, but renaming the entire school “Gun-Free Zone Tech” would send a clear message to any suicidal maniacs that bringing guns to school will NOT be tolerated, and that slaughtering scores of your classmates could result in expulsion and possibly even the forfeiture of all your credits. To discourage individuals from cleverly standing just outside the Gun-Free Zone and firing into the campus, the zone’s boundaries should also be expanded to encompass all 50 states, and as rigorously enforced as gun control laws currently on the books.

The concept of Gun-Free Zones is a noble one, and with a little revamping it can be far more effective. 33 out of the 34 people that died in Virginia Tech’s Gun Free Zone were actually following the rules. There’s no reason to believe that expanding the program nationally won’t provide the same results.

SATIRE ALERT

It's the Guns Donchaknow

Two hours after several students were gunned down at a Virginia university today, gunshots erupted again on the other side of the campus - rudely interrupting the Healing Process long before anyone’s grief had a chance to be validated with lucrative book deals or appearances on the morning talk shows. As the news media scrambled to ask what firearms were used in the rampage and how quickly we could ban them, rumors began to spread that a human being may have somehow been attached to the weapons at the trigger. Several witnesses described seeing a young Asian male's fingers wrapped around two 9mm handguns that seemed to be magically floating in mid-air. No one is sure how it happened, but it’s possible that the guns sucked him into Virginia Tech through the Gun Show Loophole and dragged him around the campus while they fired indiscrimately at helpless students. If so, it'll be the worst such incident since a pair of assault weapons dragged two helpless students through the halls of Columbine High School in 1991, murdering 12 teens. Like the Columbine tragedy, the guns that attacked Virgina Tech ultimately turned on their host, and their wild killing spree came to an end.

Unable to pin this latest tragedy on Muslims like they did with 9/11, the cons are suggesting that the Chinese man attached to the guns was somehow “responsible” for the slaughter. I can already hear the hate-radio pundits using it as a reason to demand tighter immigration laws. Personally, I never cease to be disgusted by how repugs can exploit such a tragedy to further their political agenda before the body of the victim is even cold.

However, any inbred redneck with an NRA membership will tell you that automatic weapons virtually fire themselves, hence the term “automatic weapons”. Until lawmakers have the courage to ban such firearms and repeal Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, we can expect to see more innocent Chinese kids with fist-sized holes in their faces courtesy of Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq.

Can you say "Surrender Monkey"?

Just How Delusional Is Chuck Hagel, Anyway?

Every week I send a piece of Styrofoam to an underprivileged kid overseas.

Even a small piece of Styrofoam, like this one, will float, you know...

See that woman sitting behind General Petraeus? I think she has Styrofoam breasts...

Styrofoam breasts float, you know.

You wanna know what I would do? First, I'd get a piece of Styrofoam about yea wide and mount it in on a load-bearing wall, then I'd hot-glue some dryer lint to it...

Load-bearing walls with Styrofoam mounts float, you know, and the more dryer lint you hot-glue to the Styrofoam, the more better it floats.

Excuse me, Senator Kennedy, I'm missing a piece of Styrofoam about yea wide and was wondering if you've seen it...

No? OK...

Got any Bosco?

Anyone who compares Styrofoam to Vietnam doesn't know stink about Iraq, or Unga Bunga.

Hey, I've got just as good a shot of winning the Republican nomination for president in '08 as anyone else does.

Dear Al Qaeda:

We know that things in Iraq have been a bit tough for you lately. President Bush's determination to bring stability to Iraq through an increase in the number of troops has been showing results .. and even more troops are on the way. Because of the troop surge you have seen a decline in the number of American troops you and your Islamic fascist buddies have been able to kill. Because of the increased level of security in Baghdad the Iraqi people were starting to feel better about their future. You know this, even though the American people may not. You're close to the situation so you can readily see the changing conditions. The American people are insulated from this reality by a media apparatus that is more concerned with the destruction of President Bush than to the success of our efforts in Iraq.

All in all, it was getting to be a pretty depressing picture for you and your terrorist pals.

Well ... cheer up. Things are about to change. After a rather close vote in the U.S. Senate today you are one step closer to knowing an exact date upon which all U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Iraq. As we're sure your political analysts will tell you, setting a specific date for withdrawal. We're sure you realize that you cannot commit yourself to victory and to a date-specific withdrawal at the same time. You select one course of action, or the other.

Take heart, too, in the fact that other nations and regimes in the Middle East have now seen further evidence that the United States does not have the political will to commit itself to victory. Your tactic of waging a war of attrition against American troops has been validated. The American people, having heard a preponderance of negative news from their media, are calling for capitulation. They've become complacent after five years have passed since 9/11 with no terrorists attacks in our country. Oh, there have been some isolated incidents of mad Muslims shooting up shopping malls and mowing innocents down with their cars ... but nothing major to rekindle their determination. Was this your plan all along? Somehow we think that you are that clever ... and if that's the case, this element of your grand plan has also worked very well.

You now realize that you can advance your radical Islamist goals throughout the Middle East, and perhaps into Europe, without any fear of retaliation or interference from the United States. The will to fight is lost. The desire for victory has died. The American people have become fat, lazy and complacent. They no longer see either their freedom or their culture as something they are willing to fight for. It must be heady days indeed in your caves and tents. Hard to imagine, isn't it? Al Qaeda actually has more determination to see their cause through than the great United States of America! Perhaps that's because you're dedicated to the cause of the spread of Islam, while the American people have lost their dedication to the cause of liberty. Complacency will do that to you.

We do have one word of caution for you. You and your Islamic terrorist buddies have been the beneficiaries of the aftermath of the 2000 presidential election in the United States. That election, and the close vote in our State of Florida, created a sense of hatred and resentment in Democrats against our president such as has never been seen before in our history. From that moment on Democrats and liberals in the U.S. were steadfastly dedicated to the idea of the destruction of the Bush presidency. Oh, to be sure, there were a few weeks of solidarity following your attacks of 9/11, but it didn't last. When the panic subsided Democrats suddenly realized that any measure of success in the war against you might actually strengthen the Republican hold on power. It didn't take Democrats long to decide that their hatred of George Bush, and their desire to see his presidency destroyed, absolutely outweighed any concerns they had about protecting our people from another one of your vicious attacks. Democrats have convinced themselves that, once they have gained full control of our government, a few "we feel your pain" comments directed at your murdering Islamic followers will be all that is needed to put the Western world and the wonderful, peaceful, serene religion of Islam around a desert campfire singing rousing renditions of Kumbaya. You just need to be aware that there is a chance, though slight, that the Democrats might actually decide that our culture is worth fighting for ... if they can first rid our country of the Bush pestilence.

At any rate .. the Senate has now set a deadline. If the bill makes it to the president's desk he says he will veto it. Some feel, however, that when the president realizes that the legislation merely sets a date certain for our capitulation to you in Iraq, and doesn't open the doors to any additional stem cell research, he will decide that a veto is not warranted. So ... just sit tight. Save your energy. Catch your breath. Cool it. You may soon know the exact date that you one day commemorate as the date you chased the infidels out of Iraq. This could well be the date you will remember as the beginning of the final steps toward your 12th Caliphate and the cause of world domination under Islamic law.

You are small but determined to see your dreams of domination come true. America is strong but complacent and unwilling to fight for the cause of liberty. Time to ferment some goat's milk for a toast!

Yours truly

America the Timid.

"Obey Me, or Die" Gore Warns Congress

Environmental Prophet Al Gore warned a stunned Congress on Wednesday of the dire consequences should we puny humans refuse to obey him. Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Earthquakes. Plagues of locusts. Disoriented manatees. Cats and dogs living together. The deliberate and systematic destruction of all life on Arrakis. Terrifying, indeed – but just a taste of what’s in store for us all should we continue to blatantly defy Gore.

The time has come to cleanse ourselves of our capitalistic sins and save the earth from total obliteration, - but it won’t be easy, Gore assures us. Preserving the future for our children will involve tough choices and personal sacrifice. Most importantly it will require tax increases, wealth restribution, government control of production, and the abandonment of the free market system – by sheer coincidence, the exact same things liberal democrats have been calling for since before global warming was ever an issue. It would be sheer madness, then, for Repugs to continue to stand against such bold initiatives now that the scientific consensus is that we're all going to die unless we do exactly as Al Gore says.

So there's really no point in debating it any further.

When it comes to global warming, one of the most idiotic talking points in the right-wing's arsenal is if the ice caps are melting on Mars, Earth's warming trend couldn't possibly be caused by humans. As with anything cons say, the exact opposite is true. The bfacts is that the bizarre weather conditions seen on Mars and other planets are undeniable proof that the ecological destruction Bush has wrought on our own world is spreading like a virus to others in our solar system.

If Earth truly has a fever as the prophet Al Gore says, then Mars has a severe runny nose. Neptune has a persistent cough. Mercury has the clap - probably something it picked up from that slut, Venus. Jupiter has herpes. Saturn has ringworm. Pluto isn't considered a planet any more and is probably just feeling a little depressed. Uranus, of course, has cysts.

Al Gore has been deeply troubled about Uranus for some time, but he's never been able to put his finger on it. Frankly, there are some in Congress who would prefer he keep his nose out of Uranus completely. But if Uranus has cysts, you don't bicker over ointments. You take it to the doctor, and the first name that comes up in any discussion about Uranus is Al Gore. In fact, Al Gore quite possibly knows more about Uranus than your anus knows about Uranus or, for that matter, what Uranus knows about you. He's certainly more of an authority on Uranus than Rush Limbaugh, who weaseled out of the illegal and immoral war in Vietnam for reasons that I would rather not delve into.

So there's really no point in debating it.

THE LATEST NON-SCANDAL CONTINUES

Oh boy...now we're reading that Karl Rove may have had a hand in the firings of the U.S. Attorneys. Hmm...since he's the president's political consultant and since those attorneys are political appointees....what's the big deal? The media sure is worked up over this. Funny how there wasn't the same outrage when Bill Clinton canned all of his U.S. Attorneys. But, as you know, there is a different standard between Republican and Democratic presidents. It's called media bias.

There is absolutely nothing to this story. U.S. Attorneys are political appointees...they serve at the pleasure of the president. Why they were fired, how they were fired, who fired them...what they were fired for.. none of it matters. Just like cabinet secretaries, the president can fire them all whenever he wants. There is no explanation needed. There is no controversy here. This is all just an invented scandal by the media and the left.

And some spineless "Republicans" are actually going along with it. Calling on the Attorney General to resign? What for? Doing his job? There are already some media outlets comparing this non-scandal to Watergate. How? In what way? When you serve at the pleasure of the president, you can be fired at anytime for any reason. There is real story here. The president exercised his prerogative ... and some U.S. Attorneys were fired. The Dems know, however, that they can make this into a major scandal because they have a media establishment that is not only willing, but positively eager to help them out.

VALERIE PLAME TO TESTIFY TODAY

Valerie Plame is going to testify in front of Congress today. Why? Because Democrats want to embarrass the administration some more. Since nobody was charged with leaking her name, there is no possible reason for her to testify. But Democrats control the Congress and it's time to pile on...so here we go. By getting Plame 007 to testify they get the media spotlight to continue their efforts to discredit the Bush Administration. We can't wonder what questions they'll be asking Mrs. Wilson?

I wonder if they'll ask her why nobody has been charged with leaking her name? Wasn't it because her name wasn't such a secret at all? Will they ask her why she really wasn't a covert operative, but instead was pushing pencils at Langley? Will they ask her why she posed for a photo spread in Vanity Fair? After all, wasn't she so concerned about her identity being exposed?

Will they ask her why her husband lied about his trip to Niger? Maybe not...but then again, there will be some Republicans on the committee. Let's see if they can actually make some noise. Because if they don't, Democrats and the media are going to get away with portraying Plame as a victim...something she's not.