Tuesday, April 17, 2007


It's the Guns Donchaknow

Two hours after several students were gunned down at a Virginia university today, gunshots erupted again on the other side of the campus - rudely interrupting the Healing Process long before anyone’s grief had a chance to be validated with lucrative book deals or appearances on the morning talk shows. As the news media scrambled to ask what firearms were used in the rampage and how quickly we could ban them, rumors began to spread that a human being may have somehow been attached to the weapons at the trigger. Several witnesses described seeing a young Asian male's fingers wrapped around two 9mm handguns that seemed to be magically floating in mid-air. No one is sure how it happened, but it’s possible that the guns sucked him into Virginia Tech through the Gun Show Loophole and dragged him around the campus while they fired indiscrimately at helpless students. If so, it'll be the worst such incident since a pair of assault weapons dragged two helpless students through the halls of Columbine High School in 1991, murdering 12 teens. Like the Columbine tragedy, the guns that attacked Virgina Tech ultimately turned on their host, and their wild killing spree came to an end.

Unable to pin this latest tragedy on Muslims like they did with 9/11, the cons are suggesting that the Chinese man attached to the guns was somehow “responsible” for the slaughter. I can already hear the hate-radio pundits using it as a reason to demand tighter immigration laws. Personally, I never cease to be disgusted by how repugs can exploit such a tragedy to further their political agenda before the body of the victim is even cold.

However, any inbred redneck with an NRA membership will tell you that automatic weapons virtually fire themselves, hence the term “automatic weapons”. Until lawmakers have the courage to ban such firearms and repeal Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, we can expect to see more innocent Chinese kids with fist-sized holes in their faces courtesy of Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq.