America's #1 Game Show

I'm Bob Winkle, welcome to You Bet Someone Else's Life, where contestants can say whatever they want about the war in Iraq without worrying about the consequences.

Looks like our contestants are eager to get started, so let's jump right into round one. Senator John Kerry, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

You know, Bob, just the other day I spoke with a group of my constituents, and a woman said to me, "Senator Kerry..."

I need a yes or no answer, Senator.

I understand, Bob, but the American people...

Time's almost up, Senator.

You're right Bob, time is almost up for this administration, whose failed policies...

Sorry, time's up. Senator Clinton, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

I'm going to have to get back you on that, Bob.

Sorry, you only get one chance to answer. Congressman Murtha - should we withdraw the troops?

Yes.

Nancy Pelosi.

Wait - I want to change my answer to no.

Too late, Congressman. Nancy Pelosi - withdraw the troops?

Absolutely.

Howard Dean.

Unless the President says we should, in which case my answer would be no.

Bob, what I meant to say is that we should redeploy the troops, which may or may not be the same as withdrawing them.

The answer is no, we should not withdraw our troops.

I'm going to say no, Bob.

Too late, Senator. Next question...

I'm a veteran!

Good to know. Howard Dean - is the war in Iraq winnable?

Find out what the president thinks and then say the opposite, Howard.

Say yes - I mean no!

Say we need to do whatever is necessary to achieve the political solution desired by...

Oh, can it, horse-face! Howard, just say it depends.

Depends on what?

I don't know - just try to stall until 2008!

Talk about the town where you grew up!

WTF??

Time's almost up.

OK, I'll say...no!

Oh! You were so close - the answer is yes.

That's what I was going to say, Bob.

Bob, I think my answer was taken out of context.

You can't take "no" out of context.

Well, then it's being distorted by the press.

All right, it's time for our final round, the "I think what he meant to say was" round. Senator Kerry, I'm sure you're familiar with how this works.

I certainly am, Bob.

All you have to do is listen to the following quote and tell us what you think the speaker meant to say. Senator Kerry, we're showing a clip of you this week.

Just like old times.

Here we go, contestants. This is Senator Kerry on Face The Nation.

And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the--of--the historical customs, religious customs..

Whether you like it or not-- Iraqis should be doing that..

Howard Dean, you heard what Senator Kerry said - what do you think he meant to say?

I, uh...I think he meant to say...that, uh, that this administration has...failed the...American people?

Senator Clinton?

Have to get back to you, Bob.

Congressman Murtha.

Veteran!

Senator Kerry, what did you mean to say?

What the hell was I thinking?

I don't think anyone knows. That's our show for tonight, tune in next time for...

Wait, who won?

No one.

No one?

No, you're all losers.

Be sure to tune in next time for more You Bet Someone Else's Life.

TNR fire the dork!

As anyone who has accompanied me to a massage parlor knows - I love a happy ending. That said, allow me to opine that if you like happy endings like me--Don't go see "No Country For Old Men" which is even worse because it has no damn ending.

So it turns out the editor of The New Republic has finally admitted that hiring Scott Thomas Beauchamp - a private in the US Army - to write for the mag was a mistake. It took him 14 pages to admit it, but the gist is this guy was making it up. Not all of it, but just the stuff that mattered. The stuff, of course, was soldier misconduct - the junk that makes our troops look bad.

The editor even allowed the soldier's wife to fact-check the articles -- which is like asking me to guard your Vicodin. But it didn't matter, because even if the stories were lies, they were just too good to question. When you so badly want to believe our soldiers eat babies for lunch and puppies for dinner, then you're willing to buy any story that meets your assumptions about how rotten we are as a force in this world.

I guess that's why the media has been dead silent on the surge's success. Maybe they're praying it will end in disaster- because to them, appearing smart is better than saving lives.

Peace -- Brother

So the Mideast peace conference opened and closed in Maryland, and I totally missed it because I was getting my back waxed. But President Bush went and promised to take notes, so we're cool. He's there with some Mideast leaders, and get this: they're talking peace. I love peace. Who doesn't? Peace is awesome. See, with peace, all you have to do is talk about it, and you're safe. You can behead, imprison and blow people up, because the veil of peace talks protects you.

So, call it an odd coincidence that at the same time we're talking peace, the Saudis have released 1500 al qaeda terrorists over the weekend. All it took was a promise that they are reformed - and that they will not wage war on the Arabian peninsula. They made no promises about inflicting mayhem elsewhere - like say, Iraq or your local mall. But the Saudis are confident these bad guys have seen the error of their ways, thanks to counseling. Counseling? Yes, counseling! We know how well that works. I know a guy who's done it for three years and still looks at panda porn.

So, do you trust the Saudis opinion? Remember, these are the same folks who punish rape victims for being raped, and behead people at the same rate that I bathe. Which is weekly. Look, I am all for reforming terrorists. But my definition of reform involves a firing squad. And until we convince the Saudis that our version of reform is better than theirs, I'll pass on the peace. And embrace the ammunition.

Sterilize This!

So, there was an article in a British paper about some women getting themselves sterilized because they feel that children are bad for the planet. These women are your basic, run-of-the-mill environmentalists, so in a sense they're half right. Children aren't bad for the environment - only their children.

One particular woman, Toni Vernelli, was sterilized at age 27, and she says that living people use too much land, eat too much food, and kill too many trees. In her mind, people are evil. But in my mind, people who believe people are evil should not produce more people. If they are so consumed by the evils of consumption, however, then they should go a step further.

First, she could reduce her carbon footprint, by walking off a bridge. Or she can go one step further - and offset the consumption of food from other environmentalists by allowing them to eat her. After all, the only solution to overpopulation and carbon footprinting, is to remove those who make the carbon footprints - and turn them into fuel. Face it, folks: radical environmentalism is moving toward the only final solution they can stomach, and it rhymes with "Soylent Green."

I certainly hope it tastes like chicken.

Love lesson learned

The strangest story this week? A Florida woman made an odd discovery when she found her boyfriend stuck in her house's cat door. The girlfriend of Charles Tucker had kicked him out of her home after a fight, but he tried to come back in...through the cat door - where he got stuck and died. Here's more proof, I guess, that size matters.

Police are awaiting autopsy results, but I can already tell you what caused his death: true love. Men often do grand and incredibly stupid things to win someone back. Why, I remember as a younger man trying to impress a young lass by building a giant heart on a hillside, so she could see it from her house. I probably should have reconsidered the choice of material - but all the children were returned safely to their homes.

And that brings me to this final point: Before you ever make a big overture in the name of love, ask yourself, "if I were to die in the middle of this, how would the picture look?" I'm pretty sure this man never intended to be found half in, and half out, of his lover's cat door. He should have just moved on. Better to have loved and lost than to die wishing you were a pussy.

Now available at Fresh Market right next to the cabbage

Yoga--what a crock!

Here's why I really hate yoga: whenever I did it, the person in front of me always broke wind during an intense stretch. She called it "organic incense."

Fresh Market anyone???????

Free Range Turkey

I was watching tv, and they had this lady on talking about how great free-range turkeys are for Thanksgiving. By allowing the bird its freedom, she says, it ends up living a better life, one based on instinct, not industry.

Of course, none of this has any effect on their inevitable outcome, which is the centerpiece of your dinner table, where they will be torn to be pieces by an angry mob of hungry relatives. And this is where the idea of "free range being humane" falls apart.

What's worse: raising an animal for food - or raising an animal for food, but pretending you're not? The latter is actually crueler, because you're setting the bird up for a fall. He thinks life is unicorns and rainbows, and then you kill it. Keep the bird in a cage, and the prospect of death seems like a release. It's how I view my life currently, FYI.

But if you really feel strongly about their living conditions, then I suggest you adopt a turkey, where you not only raise, but bathe, massage and spoil your very own turkey. Take him to a day spa, give it a mud bath, and enliven its loins with a relaxing rubdown. And when you're done, let's see if he feels any happier when you're shoving a pound of stuffing up its rectum. I doubt it.

And if you disagree, then you sir are worse than Hitler.