Arrogant American

So an advertising firm out of Rolling Meadows posted an ad looking for a technical writer -one who mustn't be an "arrogant American."

Because the job would deal with Chinese businesses, Viva USA - a placement firm - wanted to make sure they attracted applicants who were "respectful."

Naturally, once the news got out, the ad was taken town, with the firm blaming the client for the actual wording. They didn't read the ad they posted, they seem to be saying - which I doubt.

Now, it's not really a big deal, unless you consider how it might have turned out if Yanks weren't the target.

Imagine if the ad had read:

"Please, no drunk Brits need apply - or if you do, don't vomit in our plants."

Or "If you're violently Scottish, please refrain from knifing anyone in the parking lot unless they really deserve it."

Or, "Sneaky Russians are welcome, but don't poison the boss with dioxene until you're absolutely sure he's a spy."

(Notice how I skipped the really offensive stereotypes!)

Bottom line: that "arrogant" wording in the ad got through because everyone who saw it agreed with it.

And let's face it: we are arrogant Americans.

And by arrogant, I really mean successful.

See, the world views our success as arrogance - because we're really good at doing good. And to most of the globe, that's bad. We now live in a world where competing is unseemly - unless of course, you're trying to out-recycle a neighbor.

But if you're trying to make money, invent stuff, save thousands of lives from natural disasters or eliminate maniac dictators - you're kind of a jerk.

I wonder where they got an idea like that.

Oh yeah.

Probably America. Can you say Barack Obama?

It seems were even the best at anti-Americanism, too.

And if you disagree with me, you're probably a racist homophobe with a yellow lab who hates cats.

So Bill O'Reilly had Jon Stewart on his program last night, and as expected, tempers flared. Roll Tape.

((PAUSE FOR SHOT OF GIRLS PILLOW FIGHTING))

Wow, it looks like the one in the oversized football jersey took a pretty big hit. But if you think things calmed down, you were wrong.

((PAUSE FOR MORE GIRLS PILLOW FIGHTING))

Yep, it was an entertaining spectacle, with Stewart and O'Reilly both scoring legitimate points. However, I take issue with one thing Stewart said.

Sorry, I mean everything.

First, he made a big deal about Fox News laying off President Bush, while now it lays into Obama.This, friends, is nuttier than squirrel squeeze.

While Bush was president, he was trashed by a left wing posse who delighted in military defeat, for it meant their side was winning. To them, "dissent was patriotic," even if it meant dead troops. Fox wasn't ignoring Bush's actions, it was reacting to that - what I would later call the "patriotic terrorist." I witnessed a fully realized anti-American lynch mob, who would rather win an election than a war - and that made me more of a conservative than 9/11, my life at Berkeley, or all those head injuries combined.

Wanna see proof of my point? Ask yourself, where the feverish anti-war movement is, now that Obama is in power?

Lastly, Stewart's got to stop whining about Fox News tilting to the right. The New York Times just ran a piece pointing out the dearth of conservatives in journalism, theater, therapy and academia. You've got a Democratic House, a Democratic Senate, a Democrat for a President, a liberal media, a leftwing Hollywood, a liberal art and music culture - you've got it all. And you're mad Fox News isn't playing ball? What happened to that whole "dissent is patriotic" crap? It seems Fox News only looks right, because everything else is left.

Anyway, I wish I could have said this to Stewart in person. But I'm not allowed near him. You send a tube sock full of bird seed and nude photos, and suddenly they think you're a threat!

Hey---I'm scratchng my head here---WTF?

So a recent article posted on the White House website claims that President Obama's "steady diplomacy" has given America a renewed moral authority.

So what's the recipe for their self-proclaimed success? Obama's clumsy and misguided attempt to close Gitmo. According to Ben Rhodes, deputy national security advisor for strategic communications (nice title), "By prohibiting torture and working to close the prison...we are denying Al-Queda a recruiting tool."

So lets analize this theory for a moment. If Gitmo is a great tool for the bad guys to recruit more bad guys, it means the place must be upsetting enough to turn men toward jihad. Translation: the very idea of it ruins their day. Gitmo represents treating terrorists like enemies, using every tool to extract information from them, and using that info to destroy their cause. So it's not waterboarding that pisses them off, but the fact that we're trying to beat them.

And this upsets them, much in the way Leno pisses off Conan, Nicole Ritchie irked Paris Hilton, or the troubling way in which Hulk Hogan undermined the Ultimate Warrior. But even more so, I think.

To me, it's both naïve and scary that the Administration thinks closing down Gitmo will reduce jihad - as if suddenly terrorists will stop terrorizing once a tool of war is removed. As John Bolton noted, America is, and will always be, the primary recruitment tool for all jihadists - Gitmo or no Gitmo. And if anything, closing Gitmo tells terrorists that their strategy worked - that these murderers can influence our decision-making - which only encourages them to step up their game.

How the Administration can call this Sally Field diplomacy a success is beyond me.

But a lot of things are beyond me. Which is why I own a sponge on a stick.

Terminology is moving back to reality

Excuse me .. but can someone tell me what happened to "man-caused disasters" and our "overseas contingency operation?" Those were the words that The ACORN Administration were going to use to refer to terror and the war on terror. Didn't last all that long, did it? Reality bites - and reality just took a huge hunk out of The Community Organizer's ass.

After much delay, Barack Obama finally made his speech on the crotch bomber and the failure of our intelligence community to stop him from boarding a plane to the United States. If you would like to read the report in its entirety, you can click here. After reading the report, it seems to boil down to this: We had the intelligence, but we got lazy. Or comfortable. Whatever adjective you want to use, the fact is that we had the information but no one put it together.

Actually ... I really think Obama has paid heed to his wakeup call. He's serious about this. Health care is one thing .. but negligently allowing a terrorist attack on our soil would do much more to doom his presidency than would the failure of ObamaCare. He's not yet at the point where he's willing to abandon a lot of the political correctness that goes hand-in-hand with our anti-terrorism efforts (at least not in the open) but hopefully that will come.

Are you upset that no heads rolled yesterday? Yeah .. me too. But in retrospect maybe it is a good idea to concentrate on the mission right now and deal with those not mission-capable down the road. Just bypass them for the time being. My guess is that Napolitano's influence as Homeland Security Director is quite a bit less than it was .. and that she's brushing up her resume as we speak.

You did hear what she said yesterday, didn't you? She said that she was really surprised by the dedication of these Islamic terrorists .. and then she indicated her surprise that they were using individual operatives in their efforts to kill non-believers. Come on now. That guy in the dump truck who cut you off this morning knew this ... and our Homeland Security Director is surprised?

This particular Obama appointment could cost American lives. She needs to go .. as soon as possible.

Merry Christmas World

The Climate change conference is long gone, but with Christmas just around the corner, I figured there had to be a connection. Also, I'm writing this after a holiday party, so I'm drunk.

As President Obama says, let's be clear: that comical Copenhagen conference wasn't about science, it was about wealth transfer. The gist: because of America's "hyper-industrialization," we need to pay off poor countries for all the harm we've caused in the world. That's the real green in the green movement: It's cash, not grass.

What's this have to do with Christmas? Well, I think the world has forgotten that the biggest gift to this planet is America's industry - and it's time to remind them where they would be without it.

1. Whenever a horrible disaster hits, they would be dead. Be it an earthquake, a tsunami or a Madonna tour - we're usually the first and biggest responders - saving the injured, and helping to rebuild. It is because of our tremendous capability to mobilize quickly that makes us a nation of superheroes. It also takes planes, trucks and tractors to do that stuff. Imagine that carbon footprint.

2. If they ever get sick, they would be dead. It's true. While critical cretins like Chavez and Mugabe actually harm their own people, we save millions of strangers' lives. Even that bozo called Bono admits it was George Bush who helped prevent the death of millions of Africans from AIDs. Yeah - I know what our critics will say: it's easy for America to do this stuff. Well, it's even easier not to do it.

3. If their family is hungry, they would be dead. Let's not forget Norman Borlaug, who invented disease resistant wheat, saving hundreds of millions of lives in India and Pakistan. You can only do that if you're of an industrial mind - thinking about people, not polar bears.

4. If they're under the thumb of fascism, they would be dead. We possess the greatest military technology in the world, and we've used it to end horrible wars. Our industry of annihilation gave new life to many countries.

In sum, the very people complaining about America would not be alive, if it weren't for America. Which is why, I say to them: Merry Christmas.

It sure beats a pair of socks.

Facts vs. Hysteria

We, in our present form, have walked the earth for about 120,000 years. During that time there have been 20 sudden global warmings. In most of these sudden warmings the temperatures rose by about 18 degrees over a span of 20 years. Right now the Copenhagen Clowns are freaking out over a rise of 1.5 degrees in 100 years.

There have been about 142 mass extinctions since life began on the earth about 3.8 billion years ago. These mass extinctions were not caused by man. They were caused by nature.

Those goodies came from this column by Howard Bloom, author of "The Genius of the Beast: A Radical Re-Vision of Capitalism" Here's another excerpt for you to ponder:

"What's the real cause of the Earth's norm--a climate that rocks back and forth from steamy tropical heat to icy freeze? A climate that deposits fossilized seashells on mountaintops and makes dry land into seas and swamps?

The Earth is a traveler. Its angle as it sweeps around the sun produces the massive weather flips we call seasons--the dance from summer to winter and back again. But there's more. Our planet has a peculiar wobble--its precession. And that precession produces upheavals in our weather, weather alterations we cycle through every 22,000, 41,000 and 100,000 years. This is called the Milankovich cycle, named for the Serbian engineer and geophysicist who discovered it.

But the wobbles in our trip around the sun are just a start. The sun is a traveler, too. It circles the black hole at the galaxy's core every 226 million years. And it takes its tiny flock of planets with it. That means us. The result?

The journey around the galactic core is fraught with dangers. For example, every 143 million years we pass through a spiral arm of the galaxy, an arm that tosses tsunamis of cosmic rays our way. Those rays produce massive climate change. Then there's the innocent-sounding stuff astronomers call galactic "fluff," massive clouds of cosmic dust lurking in our solar system's path that also cause dramatic climate change.

Meanwhile, the sun itself is going through a cycle from birth to death. As a result of its maturation, good old reliable sol is 43% warmer today than it was when the Earth first gathered itself into a globe of planetesimals 4.5 billion years ago."

Isn't it time for you to start studying this global warming stuff on your own? If there actually is a concerted attack being launched against Capitalism by tired old communists and socialist leading hoards of youngsters with no experience in the real world ... wouldn't you want to know about it?

This is a very dangerous time for our country and for the world. We have a president who is enamored of Karl Marx and communism; a president who is clearly of an anti-Capitalist bent; a president who referred to the private sector as the "enemy" in one of his books .. and that president is over there in Copenhagen at the epicenter of anti-capitalist furor right now trying to hammer out some kind of a deal. A deal to accomplish what? To stop the meanderings of the Earth around the sun? To make the sun stand still in the universe?

We elected an American Idol president who is now being exposed for the inexperienced academic he actually is.

Can I get a Sheesh!

Climate Change You Can Believe In

Every circus needs a clown, but sometimes it takes a clown to tell the truth.

And so we have Hugo Chavez, the pockmarked prince of all things petulant - paying a visit to the Climate Change conference to rousing, delirious applause.

In sum, Chavez is all about ending "imperial dictatorships," and that "capitalism is the road to hell." He says, "Let's fight against capitalism and make it obey us."

He also said he liked to have sex with goats while Sean Penn watched, but I may have gotten that translation wrong.

Anyway, according to the Herald Sun, all of this was greeted with a standing ovation. And Hugo deserves it - for he's exposing this crap fest for what it is: a massive transfer of wealth from the west, to scumbags like him.

But Chavez wasn't the only one to lecture America on how evil we are. There was Zimbabwe President, Robert Mugabe, who noted that as "these capitalist gods of carbon...belch their dangerous emissions," it's "the lesser mortals of the developing sphere" who die. Yeah, we're the murderers. Not Mugabe - who delighted in the torture, starvation and killing of his own people, for years.

This would all be hilarious- if these creeps didn't have our own leaders on their side. Witness secretary of State Hillary Clinton announcing that our country is ready to create an annual $100 billion climate protection fund to help "address the climate change needs of developing countries."

Where will this money come from?

Well, Hillary wouldn't say - but she didn't have to. There's only one place it can come from - you. And that's why the Chavez's and the Mugabe's of the world love climate change hysteria so much. To the world's thugs, thieves and murderers, the US becomes that fat tourist in his favorite vacation hat, jingling his change on a street corner.

Easy pickings.

And--should you not agree with me you're probably bowing to a photo of Mubabe while licking a bobble head Hugo.

What is she thinking?

Hope you didn't miss this. Our Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, has pledged $100 billion dollars A YEAR to "developing nations" to help them fight global warming. That's promising $100 billion a year that we don't have to fight a problem that doesn't exist. Are you comfortable with that? Aren't you glad these people are in charge?

Man doesn't matter one wit....

Isn’t it interesting how narrow the laws of nature are? Water at sea level boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit, not 210. It freezes at 32 degrees above zero, not at 34. Water that contains 20 percent salt will not freeze until the temperature gets down to 30 degrees below zero. I don’t understand how the water knows when it is time to freeze, but it never makes a mistake. It never forgets, and it is never influenced by anyone’s opinion. Like all other natural laws, it performs right on the nose every time.

Eternal laws of the universe are narrow. They are never repealed. The verdict has been handed out even before the act is committed. The smartest lawyers, the most sympathetic witnesses, or the most powerful judges cannot change the verdict in the slightest degree. The sentence is not softened because of mental or physical incompetence, and there is no time off for good behavior.

Each year our planet makes a 595-million-mile orbit around the sun. It always travels at the rate of 66,600 miles per hour, and it completes its journey in exactly 365 days, 6 hours, 9 minutes, and 9 and 54/100 seconds. The time of the completion of the 595-million-mile journey can be more accurately foretold than your trip from the living room into the dining room.

Electricity is also a little bit on the narrow-minded side. A compass always points to the magnetic north—never to the east, the west, or the south.

The climate also follows a natural law.

OBAMACARE TABLETS

Just for you Doc...

Kanye just interrupted the Swayze funeral to remind them Michael Jackson had the greatest funeral of all time.

Twits and Town Halls

So what happens when you produce something so huge that it's virtually unreadable? Normally it's left unread. I call it the Harlot's Ghost maxim.

But what do you get when this strategy of over-delivering backfires? Pure comedy unmatched even by a Golden Girls marathon.

More specifically, you get pols who never read the health care bill faced with people who have. Witness the town hall meeting this past week with Senator Arlen Specter. The folks present didn't just read the bill, they're now quoting it - something even the titan of transparency never really wanted.

Even better, this level of discourse is coming from the non-Twitter crowd, the beyond Facebook folks more concerned with Lipitor side effects than Lady Gaga's lady parts. They are not motivated by racism, as the left wants everyone to believe, but by real concerns - some raised at the dinner table, some reasoned in books. None from Twitter, I imagine.

I only bring up Twitter, because as I watched the PA town meeting, I also came across an online column by Meghan McCain, i.e. Ron Reagan with curves. In a catty struggle for relevance among perceived rivals, she points out that while Michelle Malkin has the number one book on the New York Times bestseller list, McCain has "nearly twice as many Twitter followers as she does. And trust me, Twitter is more of an indication of where young people are than books published by the hyper-conservative publisher Regnery."

Maybe so, but did these "young people" read the health care proposal? Did they show up at town hall meetings? No – they're too busy Twittering about Twilight (yes, a dated reference, but I like how it sounds). Twitter might have been there for Iran, but in the end, the young people weren't.

And here is where McCain's crowing about Twitter reveals a mistake many people make: confusing mass for meaning; accumulation for content. The fact is, the phone book has everything I need to know about the world around me, but I don't take it to the beach to read. The phone book inspires no one, for it is (or was) a tool used by others to facilitate communication – much like Twitter. To confuse the messaging system with the message should tell Meghan her message needs work. Considering she just signed a hefty book deal, I'd get on that soon.

Which brings me back to those old coots railing at Arlen Specter. That was an honest spectacle generated by a generation unencumbered by the desire for "followers." Their concerns are bigger: increased government control, their family's well-being, and of course their own mortality. They realize that 5000 followers will not come to their funeral. And sadly for Megs, they probably don't buy books either.

Shills

So you remember Barbara Boxer's attack on the townhall protesters, calling them disruptive "plants," because they were too well dressed to be protesters.

She had a point: they were well dressed. And most protesters of the lefty persuasion are not - a marker of people who lack real professions allowing them to purchase clean clothes. Boxer believed that these outspoken, button-downed folks were all part of a right-wing plot meant to stir up anxiety, fear, and perhaps soup. And of course, this week, President Obama kept the joke alive at his own town hall meeting, saying he didn't "want people thinking I just have a bunch of plants in here."

How funny is it then, that when it comes to plants, the leftwing response is beginning to look like a spread in House and Garden. Michelle Malkin points out that the little girl that asked that key question about those old people "saying mean things" is actually the daughter of a major Obama campaigner, supporter and donor.

Now, never mind that using a kid to smear some old folks holding signs is a tad sleazy. If an adorable child is concerned over evil people saying mean things, how can you not agree? I mean, children are our future, as long as they agree with Obama.

And besides, old people are old: a drain on our resources. And they smell of Vicks.

Meanwhile, according to so many websites that I lost count, that jackass parading around a "Barack Obama as Hitler" poster at a John Dingell town hall may actually have been a John Dingell supporter. Remember, Dingell was the douche who compared health care protesters to the KKK. The KKK and Nazis – that's quite a coincidence, don't you think?

But hey, maybe I'm a plant. I do require regular sunlight and watering – and I'm often soiled.

Our New Surgeon General

So President Obama`s nominee for surgeon general has a dirty past – one so lurid it has many concerned experts wringing their hands in typical hand-wringing fashion.

What might this skeleton in Dr. Regina Benjamin's closet be? Did she run a meth lab out of her camper? Were the children running the meth lab doing so without health insurance? Did she use the proceeds from this meth lab to fund the world`s largest puppy mill? And was the puppy mill actually a puppy buffet for a puppy-devouring white power group? No, no, no, and uh, no.

Nope, what she did was far worse: she worked part-time for Burger King, as a scientific adviser.

Predictably, nutritional experts claim that nominating a doctor who worked for Burger King is a horrible conflict of interest - that someone in charge of public health should not be in the business of selling evil fast food. It`s like hiring the shoe bomber to manage a Footlocker.

But I disagree. The fact is, from a public health perspective, fast food restaurants like Burger King and McDonalds have done far more to help people than harm them. The fat-bottom line: people in America and around the world aren`t dying from malnutrition because places like BK have made food fresh, cheap and simple to prepare. Seriously, where ever you find a fast food restaurant, you'll find fat kids, but not starving ones. But in this easy age of value-free moralism, experts are more inclined to demonize Ronald McDonald than Robert Mugabe.

Granted, that clown makeup is kinda scary. Which is why I always ask him to remove it before we go to bed.

It's all about "The One".

The Democrats have really taken this healthcare reform argument to a new level. First we had the switch from healthcare reform to health insurance reform. That one happened in a matter of one day. One press conference. The talking points went out and the Democrats received their new marching orders .. this is no longer a battle over healthcare. We now have a new enemy to contend with: the insurance industry. Easy to figure out why ... Obama's behavioral scientists told him that people liked their doctors. It was the insurance companies they hated ... so shift the focus and demonize insurance.

Then the Democrats returned home to their districts for the August recess. They expected parades. They expected praise and accolades from their constituents, thanking them for working to make healthcare reform a reality. But what did they really get? A bunch of angry citizens who are starting to wake up and smell the koolaid. They realize that this healthcare reform debate isn't about their healthcare at all. They don't have faith in their government officials to reform the system for the better. Heck, maybe some of these constituents realize that the government isn't always the solution to every problem.

So now we pull out the big guns. Waging war against the insurance company hasn't hit deep enough with voters. So now, we put it all on Barack Obama's shoulders. Yep. Anyone who opposes this healthcare reform is only doing it because they want to hurt Barack Obama. That is according to Barbara "Call me Senator" Boxer. She told MSNBC's "Hardball," "All of this is a diversion by the people who, frankly, want to hurt President Obama." Then we have Princess Pelosi telling the media that these people are showing up to protest government health care "carrying swastikas." Yup! We learning form the Democrats that all of these people showing up at the Townhall meetings are "thugs" paid by insurance companies and other special interest groups. Their true goal is to "hurt" Obama.

So now we're supposed to sit back and quietly accept a government takeover of almost 20% of our economy in order to avoid hurting Barack Obama? We're supposed to accept the idea of rationing healthcare so Barack Obama won't be damaged? You're going to accept the news that you can't get a hip replacement with "Well, at least Barack Obama wasn't hurt." Yeah .. that would be the thought going through my mind if I had to wait four or five months for an MRI. "You know, I can go ahead and wait for this MRI. We won't find out what's wrong for a couple of months, but at least I won't be hurting Barack Obama.

Isn't that just dandy? Right now the Democrats are pinning their takeover of health care on the need to avoid hurting their president. Yeah ... works for me.

It's about power---not health care

An interesting report was prepared by a senior fellow at the Hoover Institution and a professor of radiology and chief of neuroradiology at Stanford University Medical School by the name of Scott W. Atlas. He has prepared ten reasons why America's health care system is in better condition than you might suppose. Here's an overview, but the whole thing is worth a read. This is for all of your liberal friends who are convinced that a single-payer, government healthcare system is going to "save" our healthcare system.

1. Americans have better survival rates than Europeans for common cancers.

2. Americans have lower cancer mortality rates than Canadians.

3. Americans have better access to treatment for chronic diseases than patients in other developed countries.

4. Americans have better access to preventive cancer screening than Canadians.

5. Lower-income Americans are in better health than comparable Canadians.

6. Americans spend less time waiting for care than patients in Canada and the United Kingdom.

7. People in countries with more government control of health care are highly dissatisfied and believe reform is needed.

8. Americans are more satisfied with the care they receive than Canadians.

9. Americans have better access to important new technologies such as medical imaging than do patients in Canada or Britain.

10. Americans are responsible for the vast majority of all health care innovations.

Well .. remember. No matter how good our medical care is today, it simply doesn't empower politicians enough. That's the goal of ObamaCare, and the sooner you realize that the better prepared you are to fight for your freedom. ObamaCare is not about improving health care in the United States. It is ALL about increasing the power that political hacks have over your life and your bank accounts.

Killing those who want to kill you.

So according to the Wall Street Journal, the CIA had been kicking around a secret plan designed to off al-qaeda chieftains – something the Democrats say they were never told about.

The actual program was dropped early on – either because it was a dumb idea, or it didn`t work, or maybe something better came along. What bugs me is that the plan was probably canceled because it actually could work - but having to disclose the plan would have endangered those asked to carry it out.

I mean, if your job is to sneak around the globe killing really bad people, then it should be kept secret – which is something frowned upon by people who don`t understand that beating evil means eradicating it. We call them asshats. You see them now, trying to score political points out of something that didn't even happen (although, I wish it did).

Which brings me to a handy quiz you can take while you`re on a bus, a train, or perhaps even a plane!

Of the two statements below, check off the one you most agree with:

-The thought of the CIA contemplating a secret plan to kill terrorists behind 9/11 strikes you as wrong – so wrong in fact that those involved in it should be investigated for war crimes.

-The thought of the CIA contemplating a secret plan to kill terrorists behind 9/11 strikes you as something the CIA is paid to do, and if they don`t do it, they should probably be fired or at least relegated to running the sexual harrassment seminar in human resources.

If you agreed with the first statement, then get off that bus, train or plane. You don't deserve to be there. After all, the very actions that you want to see prosecuted are the actions guaranteeing your safety on those modes of transportation.

You should travel by foot. And, if you're in my neighborhood, be careful where you step. I have an active bladder.

Did you know we are an unhappy nation?

So over the weekend, while I was sunning myself by the pool, surrounded by all the things that make me happy (my masseuse Gertie Stoozt, my aromatherapist Tandelayo Schwartz and a hollowed-out gourd), a report was released ranking nations from least to most happy. According to the New Economics Foundation's "Happy Planet Index," Costa Rica came out on top – reporting the "highest life satisfaction" in the world.

Meanwhile America, the GREATEST country in the world - came in at 114th.

Guatemala, which is somewhere, came in second.

Okay. Let's look first at Costa Rica – whose primary source of income is tourism. Who goes there? Americans. So without miserable jerks like us who need to snorkle nude and do coke off the tails of shaved mules, Costa Rica would be nowhere. Guatemala? According to the World Bank, three quarters of its population live in poverty. Yeah, that's got to be fun.

So, forget the list. Let's look at its creator - the New Economics Foundation. It's a front for ecological cretins whose corrupt ideology drives them to link happiness to less consumption – a destructive, inhumane lie that most starving countries would take issue with if they weren't busy fighting flies for food.

So what's behind this dishonesty? Well, what do you think? Nic Marks, the founder of this joke of an organization, says less happy nations need to change their ways before their "high-consuming lifestyles plunge us into the chaos of irreversible climate change."

So there you have it. If you don't succumb to global warming hysteria, you're a selfish prick, living in an unhappy country. Please refer this information to all those Guatemalans and everyone else on the "happy" list risking their lives to get here.

Michael Jackson is still dead....

So if there`s one thing we learned recently, it`s that it`s not nuclear war that can wipe everything off the map. It`s the death of a pop star. Think about the things that mattered back in June: Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, cap and trade, that insipid health care infomercial – and ask yourself what happened in regard to any of those issues in the last few weeks.

A.Nothing?
B.Anything?
C. A lot?

The answer is C, but we just didn`t see it.

We know that some of our brave troops died fighting for freedom. Protestors in Iran were violently silenced too, fighting for a glimmer of what we have. You can also be certain that the opportunity to actively undermine fascism in Iran has passed – our President choosing "wait and see" over "hope and change." He also snuck a few hundred pages of climate bill baloney past us in the dead of night.

No biggie, right?

But I`m not wagging my stubby, sausage-shaped finger. In that same span of time, I probably purchased about 50 bucks worth of music on iTunes. I saw a pile of movies (including "Up," and "Zoo." One is about tracking a rare bird; the other sleeping with a horse – please don`t confuse the two when making plans with the kids). I caught up on "Daisy of Love," "Charm School," and the clumsy replacement for "Project Runway," "The Fashion Show." I now know that Izrah could never replace Heidi.

Not to belittle the coverage of the passing of "the world`s greatest entertainer," in fact I`m in awe of it. But while Jackson took over the news, Obama made a deal with Russia - signing an agreement to reduce nuclear stockpiles by as much as a third.

Is this good or bad? Who cares? You can`t download nukes or fast forward to their best parts, so what good are they? Never mind that the whole point of having nuclear deterrents is HAVING them. And that by HAVING them, they are effectively a nuclear deterrent, whether or not the shrink wrap is removed.

In a way, nuclear weapons are like Stephen Hawking books. I have one on my coffee table. It`s never been opened, but it serves its purpose (it`s where I place the stromboli).

But here`s what do I know. if we are going reduce our nuclear warheads, let`s at least replace them with something we know can obliterate a city. I`m talking a years worth of The Hills, a million Transformer DVDs, and of course, the entire Michael Jackson catalogue. I`m thinking the only way to effectively beat our enemies is by making them as aimless and satisfied as we are.

It's the Jews

So on some recent radio show hosted by the Rev. Al Sharpton, a female caller phoned in with a theory about Michael Jackson`s death. Turns out he didn`t kill himself using a panoply of pharmaceuticals. It was all Sarah Palin`s doing.

Yep, according to the caller, "maybe she did something to Michael Jackson," and "maybe she`s stepping down because something`s about to come out."

Now, crazy people calling into radio shows isn`t anything special – I used to call Loveline ten to twenty times a night, just to complain about the pixies living in my urinary tract. However, what`s hilarious, is Sharpton`s thoughtful response to the caller`s intriguing theory. He says, "All right, thank you for your call, Ashley. That's interesting. I'll put it out, we'll see. I don't know."

"I'll put it out. We'll see. I don't know."

Nice.

Now, I said it's hilarious, but it`s not surprising, for Sharpton has never met a conspiracy he didn`t embrace, and possibly grope. After all, he was the man who helped push the Tawana Brawley hoax - a fabricated tale of rape and feces perpetrated by a 15 year old girl -used to racially bludgeon six white, innocent men.

But that was years ago, so who cares - right?

AnyHooo – I love conspiracies because they are as inevitable as death. When an event occurs that can be easily explained (like, say, a reclusive pop star overdoses on prescription narcotics), the demented emerge from the woodwork like lurid worms with complex explanations that defy logic and Pampers. Look at the Truthers, limping along under an impervious dome of self-inflicted idiocy, convinced that only they know the truth - when all they know really are twin beds, canned food purchased from the dented bin, and reusing their underwear on alternate days. You gotta love 'em, for they`re pure comedy.

My last point: why is it that people who cling to conspiracies, never put that much effort into the things that might benefit their actual lives? Like their school work? Their jobs? Their hygiene?

I blame the Jews. Only they could create a complex framework that keeps so many destructive minds busy contemplating nothing.