Surrender Monkeys Win

DATE CERTAIN FOR SURRENDER

Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats have finally delivered to Al Qaeda and Islamic radicals across the world a message of American surrender and weakness. Sure, the Democrats call for a specific date for surrender to Al Qaeda in Iraq will be vetoed ... but the message is clear. Americans -- at least the party in charge of our congress and our purse strings -- have lost their will to fight. There they were, Pelosi and Reid, standing in front of one of those made-for-TV backdrops reading "Strategy for Security" cutting the legs out from underneath every man and woman serving in our armed forces, not only in Iraq, but everywhere in the world.

Look --- I understand fully that mistakes have been made in this war. I'm one who believes that not enough troops were sent to Iraq in the first place. I still can't understand why we didn't dedicate the resources that were needed to seal the borders with Iran an Syria. Perhaps elements of Saddam's army should have been retained to serve the new Iraq. Mistakes? Sure! But what is the proper course of action when mistakes are made? Do you abandon the project, or do you regroup and forge ahead, perhaps wiser from your experience.

I think that from the very beginning the Democrat leadership has been dedicated to undermining Bush in Iraq any way they can. Their goal has been solitary and simple. Destroy the Bush presidency and pave the way for complete Democrat control in 2009. I truly believe that Democrats are perfectly willing to strengthen Islamic terrorists generally and Al Qaeda specifically if that is what needs to be done for them to destroy George Bush. The desire for revenge for 2000 is that strong. Perhaps the true motivation behind Democrat obstruction and maneuvering might have become more obvious to the American people if it were not for the fact that the mainstream media shared the Democrats goal ... destroy Bush, defeat Republicans, return liberalism to power in Washington.

By the way ... concerning last night's debate ....Hillary Rodham said last night that her vote to authorize the war in Iraq was "based on the information that was available to me at the time." Well, guess what? That is exactly the position President Bush was in when he pressed for war against Saddam Hussein. Hillary gets a pass on her "information that was available to me at the time" line, Bush does not. And so it goes.

Pay no attention to the guy behind the curtain

DEMOCRATS AND THEIR ANTI-CAPITALIST NONSENSE

Well, here we go again. The Democrats are proposing a "windfall profits" tax on oil companies. Gas prices, you see, are on the way up. Americans love to whine about high gas prices. Americans also don't know squat about oil company profits and profit margins, nor could most Americans write a cohesive paragraph on the role of supply and demand in setting prices in the marketplace. When oil companies post their huge profit figures the leftist media is eager to tell the world. Tell me, when is the last time you read a story about oil company profits that contained any reference to profit margin? Yeah .. you're right. Virtually never.

So ... ripe ground for Democrat demagogues. Slamming the very free enterprise system that brought us our incredible standard of living in this country is no problem for a Democrat who wants to exploit the economic stupidity of the American people.

Claire McCaskill is a Democrat senator from Missouri. Yesterday she was sounding like a high school drop out. To paraphrase this brilliant Democrat: "Here's what I don't get! Gas prices go up, and profits go up! I don't get it!" Yeah, Claire, I'm sure you don't.

Now .. .did Senator McCaskill mean profits or profit margins go up? Ask her that question and wait for the big "huh?" Look, Claire. Let me try to explain this to you. The reason gas prices are going up is because the demand for gas is going up and the supply is not rising to meet the demand. When the demand goes up you sell more gas. With me so far? Ok .... concentrate here for a moment. The oil companies make a certain amount of profit on the sale of every gallon of gas. Right now that figure is around seven cents. If the demand goes up you sell more gas. If you sell more gas you make that seven cents per gallon on the additional gallons you sell because of the increased demand. This means your profit goes up. See how hard that was! Now ... I don't want to fry your brain with too much information here, but even though the profits may be going up with the increased demand, that doesn't mean the profit margins are going up.

I'd better stop here. We don't want to give the brilliant Claire McCaskill too much to think about right now. Her mind is on getting back to Missouri for the weekend so that she can tell all her friends at her town hall meetings about her plans to bring these nasty oil companies under control.

Crow just doesn't get it!

Sheryl Crow must think her shit don’t stink. Sure, her announcement that she doesn’t thoroughly wipe her ass seems like something to admire on the surface. But when you consider that a tree still had to die for her single square of toilet paper, you suddenly realize that one square is one square too many.

That’s why long before Crow began daintily swabbing her sphincter with a postage stamp, Refine Design, Inc. had already declared itself a Tish-Free Zone. I’m proud to say that the entire company has completely refrained from wiping for almost six weeks now, preferring to allow our fudge to crust over and naturally crumble away with minimal harm to the environment. Suffice it to say that the policy has been incredibly popular and a great boost to company morale, with only a few soggy diapers in the bunch. That is, until Little Miss Wipes-Alot opened her big yapper. Now I have a potential mutiny on my hands.

“Everything from the waste down is on fire,” Steve from Accounting whined as he crawled on all fours into my cubicle this morning. “I can’t sit in a chair. I can’t walk. I feel like I’ve been sodomized by the entire population of Tijuana. Sheryl Crow uses one square, so why can’t I? One little square, that’s all I’m asking for. One little square!”

“Sure no problem!” I chirped. “Who needs forests, anyway? They’re so overrated. Trees are nice and all, but goshdarnit Steve’s poor little po-po is sore! Oh, and I’ll call the polar bears to let them know that they get to starve to death up north just so Steve can feel a little more comfy down below the equator.”

“My wife left me,” he went on, ignoring my sarcasm. “My kids hate me. Even the dog won’t come near me. This morning, I think I felt something squirming around up there. I have no idea what it is. Frankly, I’m afraid to look.”

“I’ll tell you what it is!” I exclaimed. “It’s an ecosystem! Don’t you see? It would be genocide to wipe your ass now! Sorry, Steve-o, but you’re going to have to just suck it up and live with a little discomfort like the rest of us.”

“’Rest of us’ my @$#*%!” Steve spat back.

“What do you mean?” I asked, eying him suspiciously.

“I mean you look pretty damn cozy sitting there on your supposedly raw and strangely odor-free backside all day. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’d been wiping your ass on the sly, Dickiebrid!”

I sprang out of my chair and pointed an accusing finger at him. “You take that back! I haven’t wiped my ass in weeks! My butt stinks like you wouldn't believe! I have dangleberries the size of Volvos! So don’t you DARE question my commitment to the cause! I have the greenest rectum in this company, and don't you forget it!"

“Sure, whatever you say, Dickiebird,” he replied, his voice lowering to a whisper. “But I sure wouldn’t want such a vicious rumor to get around the office, if you know what I mean.”

Ah, blackmail, is it? Damn that Crow! I know celebrities are used to living a life of luxury, but does she have any idea what a bad example she’s setting with her little extravagance? No matter. We down here on the front lines of the war will take up the slack. Yes, it is a war – a war not only against Bush’s Big Toilet Paper buddies, but a war to save our planet from those who would wipe their asses with the future of our planet.

As I watched Steve crawl away with his ill-gotten square of toilet paper, I knew deep down that even despite Crow’s selfish remarks, it’s a war that we will win.

Kos Kid Moment-(Satire Alert)

Three days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering what could have possibly driven a seemingly bright young man to acts of such unspeakable evil. Was it violent video games? Rap music? Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans? Or was it the result of bad parenting, perhaps?

Highly unlikely. My childhood wasn’t exactly idyllic, but I would never dream of harming another human being. If someone put a gun into my hand, though, there’d be nothing to stop me from marching over to Mr. Caruther’s condo, kicking down his door, and popping a cap into his fat Repug ass.

“YOU MADE ME DO THIS CARUTHERS!” I’d scream at him. “YES, YOU!! WITH YOUR BIG FANCY SCHMANCY SUV AND YOUR SEMPER FI BUMPERSTICKER ON THE BACK AND RUSH FATTY PILLPOPPER BLARING FROM YOUR FANCY SCHMANCY CAR STEREO! I HATE YOU, CARUTHERS!!!! I HATE YOU, AND NOW YOU’RE GOING TO DIE, RIGHT HERE, IN YOUR POORLY DECORATED LIVING ROOM, YOU RIGHT-WING CHICKENHAWK!!!”

“No I’m not,” Caruthers would say.

“OH YES YOU ARE!” I’d insist.

“No I’m not,” he’d insist back.

“YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!”

“No I’m not,” he'd sigh, and go back to biting the heads off of puppies, or whatever it is that Repugs do when there aren't any Blacks around to lynch or poor people to screw over.

“OKAY, JUST SUPPOSING FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU’RE RIGHT," I'd offer, "EXPLAIN TO ME EXACTLY WHY YOU AREN’T GOING TO DIE LIKE THE NEOCON PIG YOU ARE.”

“Because you left the safety on,” he’d reply with that smug little smirk of his.

“NO I DIDN’T!” I’d say.

“Yes you did,” he’d insist, “and you’re holding the gun wrong. The barrel is supposed to point away from you.”

‘NO IT’S NOT!” I’d retort.

“Yes it is,” he’d volley.

‘NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT! NO IT’S NOT!”

“Fine then,” he’d relent. “Go ahead and pull the trigger.”

I’d hesitate for a moment, perhaps caught off guard by his utter stupidity, and he’d seize the moment to quickly snatch the gun from my fingers and pistol-whip me to a bloody pulp right there in his poorly decorated living room.

Mother would show up drunk at the funeral. She’d probably try to get into the preacher’s pants. Then she’d strip naked in front of everyone and start dancing around like she’s back at Woodstock until she clumsily knocked my casket over, spilling my pale, rotting cadaver onto the ground.

‘YOU BITCH!! YOU RUINED MY LIFE!”

But the blame for my terrible fate is not hers. It belongs to Bush and his NRA cronies for putting that gun into my hands. You see, it’s not one’s upringing, nor rap music, nor is it being bombarded with violent imagery since before he could crawl that turns a man into a monster. It’s not a culture lacking a moral compass that creates someone who could pick up a gun and murder 33 innocent people without any remorse. It’s George W. Bush.

But it’s also the mere existence and ready availability of guns that drives men to kill one another.

But mostly it’s Bush.

Almost Satire Alert

MORE AND BIGGER SIGNS (for crying out loud)!!

Two days after the deadliest shooting rampage in American history, many are left wondering why it happened and what can be done to prevent it from happening again. Certainly, more thorough background checks would reveal whether a prospective gun owner had gone on any wild murder-suicide sprees in the past. Mandatory creative writing classes for all firearm purchases would also be a way to determine if someone has an unhealthy obsession with violence and gore, or is simply applying for a job at CBS.

Whether you’re in favor of such sensible gun control laws, or a mind-numbed minion of Chuck Heston, everyone can at least agree that Gun-Free Zones as they currently exist don’t quite work. Although Virginia Tech was a proud “Gun-Free Zone”, firearms still somehow found their way onto the campus. Obviously the so-called “gunman” wasn’t aware that he had entered such a zone, or else he would have thought twice about gunning down 33 innocents before shooting himself in the face. Bigger, bolder “Gun-Free Zone” signs would be harder to ignore, but renaming the entire school “Gun-Free Zone Tech” would send a clear message to any suicidal maniacs that bringing guns to school will NOT be tolerated, and that slaughtering scores of your classmates could result in expulsion and possibly even the forfeiture of all your credits. To discourage individuals from cleverly standing just outside the Gun-Free Zone and firing into the campus, the zone’s boundaries should also be expanded to encompass all 50 states, and as rigorously enforced as gun control laws currently on the books.

The concept of Gun-Free Zones is a noble one, and with a little revamping it can be far more effective. 33 out of the 34 people that died in Virginia Tech’s Gun Free Zone were actually following the rules. There’s no reason to believe that expanding the program nationally won’t provide the same results.

SATIRE ALERT

It's the Guns Donchaknow

Two hours after several students were gunned down at a Virginia university today, gunshots erupted again on the other side of the campus - rudely interrupting the Healing Process long before anyone’s grief had a chance to be validated with lucrative book deals or appearances on the morning talk shows. As the news media scrambled to ask what firearms were used in the rampage and how quickly we could ban them, rumors began to spread that a human being may have somehow been attached to the weapons at the trigger. Several witnesses described seeing a young Asian male's fingers wrapped around two 9mm handguns that seemed to be magically floating in mid-air. No one is sure how it happened, but it’s possible that the guns sucked him into Virginia Tech through the Gun Show Loophole and dragged him around the campus while they fired indiscrimately at helpless students. If so, it'll be the worst such incident since a pair of assault weapons dragged two helpless students through the halls of Columbine High School in 1991, murdering 12 teens. Like the Columbine tragedy, the guns that attacked Virgina Tech ultimately turned on their host, and their wild killing spree came to an end.

Unable to pin this latest tragedy on Muslims like they did with 9/11, the cons are suggesting that the Chinese man attached to the guns was somehow “responsible” for the slaughter. I can already hear the hate-radio pundits using it as a reason to demand tighter immigration laws. Personally, I never cease to be disgusted by how repugs can exploit such a tragedy to further their political agenda before the body of the victim is even cold.

However, any inbred redneck with an NRA membership will tell you that automatic weapons virtually fire themselves, hence the term “automatic weapons”. Until lawmakers have the courage to ban such firearms and repeal Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, we can expect to see more innocent Chinese kids with fist-sized holes in their faces courtesy of Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq.

Can you say "Surrender Monkey"?

Just How Delusional Is Chuck Hagel, Anyway?

Every week I send a piece of Styrofoam to an underprivileged kid overseas.

Even a small piece of Styrofoam, like this one, will float, you know...

See that woman sitting behind General Petraeus? I think she has Styrofoam breasts...

Styrofoam breasts float, you know.

You wanna know what I would do? First, I'd get a piece of Styrofoam about yea wide and mount it in on a load-bearing wall, then I'd hot-glue some dryer lint to it...

Load-bearing walls with Styrofoam mounts float, you know, and the more dryer lint you hot-glue to the Styrofoam, the more better it floats.

Excuse me, Senator Kennedy, I'm missing a piece of Styrofoam about yea wide and was wondering if you've seen it...

No? OK...

Got any Bosco?

Anyone who compares Styrofoam to Vietnam doesn't know stink about Iraq, or Unga Bunga.

Hey, I've got just as good a shot of winning the Republican nomination for president in '08 as anyone else does.

Dear Al Qaeda:

We know that things in Iraq have been a bit tough for you lately. President Bush's determination to bring stability to Iraq through an increase in the number of troops has been showing results .. and even more troops are on the way. Because of the troop surge you have seen a decline in the number of American troops you and your Islamic fascist buddies have been able to kill. Because of the increased level of security in Baghdad the Iraqi people were starting to feel better about their future. You know this, even though the American people may not. You're close to the situation so you can readily see the changing conditions. The American people are insulated from this reality by a media apparatus that is more concerned with the destruction of President Bush than to the success of our efforts in Iraq.

All in all, it was getting to be a pretty depressing picture for you and your terrorist pals.

Well ... cheer up. Things are about to change. After a rather close vote in the U.S. Senate today you are one step closer to knowing an exact date upon which all U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Iraq. As we're sure your political analysts will tell you, setting a specific date for withdrawal. We're sure you realize that you cannot commit yourself to victory and to a date-specific withdrawal at the same time. You select one course of action, or the other.

Take heart, too, in the fact that other nations and regimes in the Middle East have now seen further evidence that the United States does not have the political will to commit itself to victory. Your tactic of waging a war of attrition against American troops has been validated. The American people, having heard a preponderance of negative news from their media, are calling for capitulation. They've become complacent after five years have passed since 9/11 with no terrorists attacks in our country. Oh, there have been some isolated incidents of mad Muslims shooting up shopping malls and mowing innocents down with their cars ... but nothing major to rekindle their determination. Was this your plan all along? Somehow we think that you are that clever ... and if that's the case, this element of your grand plan has also worked very well.

You now realize that you can advance your radical Islamist goals throughout the Middle East, and perhaps into Europe, without any fear of retaliation or interference from the United States. The will to fight is lost. The desire for victory has died. The American people have become fat, lazy and complacent. They no longer see either their freedom or their culture as something they are willing to fight for. It must be heady days indeed in your caves and tents. Hard to imagine, isn't it? Al Qaeda actually has more determination to see their cause through than the great United States of America! Perhaps that's because you're dedicated to the cause of the spread of Islam, while the American people have lost their dedication to the cause of liberty. Complacency will do that to you.

We do have one word of caution for you. You and your Islamic terrorist buddies have been the beneficiaries of the aftermath of the 2000 presidential election in the United States. That election, and the close vote in our State of Florida, created a sense of hatred and resentment in Democrats against our president such as has never been seen before in our history. From that moment on Democrats and liberals in the U.S. were steadfastly dedicated to the idea of the destruction of the Bush presidency. Oh, to be sure, there were a few weeks of solidarity following your attacks of 9/11, but it didn't last. When the panic subsided Democrats suddenly realized that any measure of success in the war against you might actually strengthen the Republican hold on power. It didn't take Democrats long to decide that their hatred of George Bush, and their desire to see his presidency destroyed, absolutely outweighed any concerns they had about protecting our people from another one of your vicious attacks. Democrats have convinced themselves that, once they have gained full control of our government, a few "we feel your pain" comments directed at your murdering Islamic followers will be all that is needed to put the Western world and the wonderful, peaceful, serene religion of Islam around a desert campfire singing rousing renditions of Kumbaya. You just need to be aware that there is a chance, though slight, that the Democrats might actually decide that our culture is worth fighting for ... if they can first rid our country of the Bush pestilence.

At any rate .. the Senate has now set a deadline. If the bill makes it to the president's desk he says he will veto it. Some feel, however, that when the president realizes that the legislation merely sets a date certain for our capitulation to you in Iraq, and doesn't open the doors to any additional stem cell research, he will decide that a veto is not warranted. So ... just sit tight. Save your energy. Catch your breath. Cool it. You may soon know the exact date that you one day commemorate as the date you chased the infidels out of Iraq. This could well be the date you will remember as the beginning of the final steps toward your 12th Caliphate and the cause of world domination under Islamic law.

You are small but determined to see your dreams of domination come true. America is strong but complacent and unwilling to fight for the cause of liberty. Time to ferment some goat's milk for a toast!

Yours truly

America the Timid.

"Obey Me, or Die" Gore Warns Congress

Environmental Prophet Al Gore warned a stunned Congress on Wednesday of the dire consequences should we puny humans refuse to obey him. Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Earthquakes. Plagues of locusts. Disoriented manatees. Cats and dogs living together. The deliberate and systematic destruction of all life on Arrakis. Terrifying, indeed – but just a taste of what’s in store for us all should we continue to blatantly defy Gore.

The time has come to cleanse ourselves of our capitalistic sins and save the earth from total obliteration, - but it won’t be easy, Gore assures us. Preserving the future for our children will involve tough choices and personal sacrifice. Most importantly it will require tax increases, wealth restribution, government control of production, and the abandonment of the free market system – by sheer coincidence, the exact same things liberal democrats have been calling for since before global warming was ever an issue. It would be sheer madness, then, for Repugs to continue to stand against such bold initiatives now that the scientific consensus is that we're all going to die unless we do exactly as Al Gore says.

So there's really no point in debating it any further.

When it comes to global warming, one of the most idiotic talking points in the right-wing's arsenal is if the ice caps are melting on Mars, Earth's warming trend couldn't possibly be caused by humans. As with anything cons say, the exact opposite is true. The bfacts is that the bizarre weather conditions seen on Mars and other planets are undeniable proof that the ecological destruction Bush has wrought on our own world is spreading like a virus to others in our solar system.

If Earth truly has a fever as the prophet Al Gore says, then Mars has a severe runny nose. Neptune has a persistent cough. Mercury has the clap - probably something it picked up from that slut, Venus. Jupiter has herpes. Saturn has ringworm. Pluto isn't considered a planet any more and is probably just feeling a little depressed. Uranus, of course, has cysts.

Al Gore has been deeply troubled about Uranus for some time, but he's never been able to put his finger on it. Frankly, there are some in Congress who would prefer he keep his nose out of Uranus completely. But if Uranus has cysts, you don't bicker over ointments. You take it to the doctor, and the first name that comes up in any discussion about Uranus is Al Gore. In fact, Al Gore quite possibly knows more about Uranus than your anus knows about Uranus or, for that matter, what Uranus knows about you. He's certainly more of an authority on Uranus than Rush Limbaugh, who weaseled out of the illegal and immoral war in Vietnam for reasons that I would rather not delve into.

So there's really no point in debating it.

THE LATEST NON-SCANDAL CONTINUES

Oh boy...now we're reading that Karl Rove may have had a hand in the firings of the U.S. Attorneys. Hmm...since he's the president's political consultant and since those attorneys are political appointees....what's the big deal? The media sure is worked up over this. Funny how there wasn't the same outrage when Bill Clinton canned all of his U.S. Attorneys. But, as you know, there is a different standard between Republican and Democratic presidents. It's called media bias.

There is absolutely nothing to this story. U.S. Attorneys are political appointees...they serve at the pleasure of the president. Why they were fired, how they were fired, who fired them...what they were fired for.. none of it matters. Just like cabinet secretaries, the president can fire them all whenever he wants. There is no explanation needed. There is no controversy here. This is all just an invented scandal by the media and the left.

And some spineless "Republicans" are actually going along with it. Calling on the Attorney General to resign? What for? Doing his job? There are already some media outlets comparing this non-scandal to Watergate. How? In what way? When you serve at the pleasure of the president, you can be fired at anytime for any reason. There is real story here. The president exercised his prerogative ... and some U.S. Attorneys were fired. The Dems know, however, that they can make this into a major scandal because they have a media establishment that is not only willing, but positively eager to help them out.

VALERIE PLAME TO TESTIFY TODAY

Valerie Plame is going to testify in front of Congress today. Why? Because Democrats want to embarrass the administration some more. Since nobody was charged with leaking her name, there is no possible reason for her to testify. But Democrats control the Congress and it's time to pile on...so here we go. By getting Plame 007 to testify they get the media spotlight to continue their efforts to discredit the Bush Administration. We can't wonder what questions they'll be asking Mrs. Wilson?

I wonder if they'll ask her why nobody has been charged with leaking her name? Wasn't it because her name wasn't such a secret at all? Will they ask her why she really wasn't a covert operative, but instead was pushing pencils at Langley? Will they ask her why she posed for a photo spread in Vanity Fair? After all, wasn't she so concerned about her identity being exposed?

Will they ask her why her husband lied about his trip to Niger? Maybe not...but then again, there will be some Republicans on the committee. Let's see if they can actually make some noise. Because if they don't, Democrats and the media are going to get away with portraying Plame as a victim...something she's not.

POOR, POOR KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED

The media is now downplaying the claims of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed...saying he may be exaggerating his testimony. Of course, this is being done to try and minimize the threat of Islamic terrorism. As if being responsible for 9/11 weren't enough. Democrats, who are in denial about the terrorist threat, are seeking to minimize any success the Bush Administration may be having with fighting the war on terror. And naturally the media is along for the ride.

You know what the implication is here. We obviously tortured him, right? He's just telling us what we want to hear....lying about his conquests. One man couldn't possibly be responsible for all of that. Funny how every time we capture or kill an Al-Qaeda bigwig, Democrats downplay it as just one person. But in the same breath, they turn around and mock the Bush Administration for not capturing or killing Osama Bin Laden yet. Wait a minute...I thought he was just one man?

So now we get to watch the media and liberals stir up sympathy for an Islamic terrorist. Rosie O'Donnell defended poor Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on 'The View.' That's not far off the mark when it comes to the latest Democratic response.

Bobi works her computer and gets messages

THE SURGE IS WORKING IN IRAQ

Here's some good news: the troop surge in Iraq is working. The killing of U.S. soldiers is way down. You would think Democrats would be happy about this development, but you would be wrong. They have been invested in American defeat in Iraq for quite some time. It doesn't matter how well things are going...we must surrender.

Not only is the killing of our troops way down, so are the deaths of civilians. Since the new operation began 30 days ago, civilian deaths in Iraq are down from 1,440 to 265. That's a huge drop. Murders and executions are off by 50%. Car bombs have decreased as well. And this is without the full 21,500 troop surge in place. Think how well things will be going once we're firing on all cylinders over there.

But don't expect to hear about this from the mainstream media. The press doesn't particularly like to report good news from Iraq. In an effort to elect Hillary Clinton president of the United States, the media will continue to report that the war in Iraq is a failure and that we should surrender immediately. They have bought the lie that the war can't be won...and are intent on convincing the American public of the same.

Maybe somebody could stick a microphone in Nancy Pelosi's face and ask her what she thinks of our new successes in Iraq.

9/11 MASTERMIND CONFESSES TO IT ALL

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (a/k/a Ron Jeremy??) has admitted to the 9/11 attacks and a big bunch of other stuff at a military hearing down at Gitmo over the weekend. Perhaps now Democrats and the media will shut up about Guantanamo Bay and the War On Terror not being justified. Or not....the America-haters will say he was coerced. Cheney probably tortured him. So just what has Mohammed confessed to? Well, the list is long...but he did it all.

Aside from being guilty of bedhead and wearing a T-shirt 3 sizes too small, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has copped to the following:

• He confessed to 29 planned Al-Qaeda attacks, including 9/11. Says Mohammed: "I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z."
  
  
• He confessed to beheading Daniel Pearl...the Wall Street Journal reporter whose head was severed on TV and posted on the Internet.
  
  
• A number of other plots over the years including the 1993 World Trade Center attack, the attempted shoe bombing of a commercial jetliner by Richard Reid, the Bali nightclub bombing in 2002 and so on.

He also confessed to a number of plots that weren't carried out. They included assassinating Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, attacks on the Sears Tower, the Panama Canal and the Empire State Building. Attacks on oil tankers and nuclear plants were also on his list. Oh..and he also says he was tortured by the CIA. I know we're all very sorry that happened..

So there you have it...everything Al-Qaeda was going to do, laid out in the open. Think there's no Islamic terrorist threat? Think again. The good news is now that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has told us everything we want to know, we can take him out back and shoot him.

OK .. I'll admit it. This weird beard may have some delusions of grandeur ... and he may just be on a confession binge. So, how long before Ramsey Clark comes knocking to be his defense attorney?

GLOBAL COOLING IS BACK

More troubling facts for the global warming movement. The government has released temperature data for February. Do the statistics show the Earth continues to warm at a troubling rate? Is certain doom accelerating in the environment, ready to melt the polar ice caps and cause California to fall into the ocean? Will winter soon be relegated to the ash heap of history, with the entire world enveloped in a global warming-induced massive temperature hike? Uh..no.

As a matter of fact, according to the National Environmental Satellite, Data and Information Service, the average temperature in the month of February fell almost 2 degrees. What, you say? Is this over last year? The last 5 years? Compared to the last 10 or 20? Nope. When compared with the average over the 100-year period between 1901 and 2000. In fact, we've just experienced the 34th coldest February in the last 113 years.

This is a long-standing problem with the global warming hype. The facts and figures don't line up with the hysteria. Just as there may be data that shows the Earth is warming, there is plenty of information to the contrary. But anything that doesn't square with the environmental extremists is ignored and not reported. And that's why global warming has nothing to do with the environment and everything to do with politics.

Jesus wants you to Vote for John Edwards

Sen. John Edwards (who is NOT gay) took time out from fussing with his hair to denounce our self-obsessed, consumerist society.

"I think that Jesus would be disappointed in our ignoring the plight of those around us who are suffering and our focus on our own selfish short-term needs," said Edwards. "I think He would be appalled, actually."

Jesus spent the day relaxing in the jacuzzi at Edwards' palacial North Carolina estate and was unavailable for comment. But in a statement issued through Edwards' campaign manager, the Son of God called on Americans to put aside their petty hangups about confiscatory taxation and get behind John Edwards for President.

"And what a cute little behind he has!" sayeth the Lord. "Ladies, ya'll know what I'm talkin' about!"

Jesus also put His stamp of approval on same-sex marriage, federally funded abortion-on-demand, and a couple of extra tennis courts at the Edwards Compound.

• • • •

Interested in Jesus? You can Read More About It® at johnedwards.com!

DEMOCRATS PUSH FOR SURRENDER

The Democrats are running full steam ahead with trying to cut off our troops in Iraq and ensure failure and surrender in Iraq. Their latest plan is to push through a piece of legislation revoking Bush's authority to wage war in Iraq. You mean the same authority those same Democrats voted to give George W. Bush in 2002? Yeah..that's the one. So what does this latest legislation do? Read on to find out.

This isn't like the other non-binding resolutions that just disapprove of the war in Iraq or the way it is being handled. No, this one would have teeth. So far, one draft would restrict the troops in Iraq to fighting Al-Qaeda only. Are they kidding? Guess not. So now we have 100 commanders in chief in the United States Senate that are going to decide who the troops can fight and who they can't. Unbelievable...this is what the left calls "limiting the mission."

Instead of trying to tie the hands of our troops in Iraq, the Democrats need to either cut off funding for the war or sit down and shut up. It really makes you wonder just whose payroll these politicians are on these days. The Islamic fascists who want us dead must be partying BIG TIME!

Cheney Outs Pelosi

Halliburton Dick Cheney recently made the wild accusation that by calling for the immediate redeployment of our troops away from the battlefield, Democratic leaders only encourage the so-called “enemy”.

Let’s pretend for a moment that he’s right. Does he really need to blab the plan to every terrorist and his Uncle? In his rush to attack Nancy Pelosi’s patriotism, did Cheney even bother to consider that maybe emboldening the so-called terrorists with the illusion of victory is part of a cunning plan to lure them here, to our soil, where they can be easily apprehended and given the kind of emotional counseling they truly need? The idiot cons like to say that it’s better to fight them “over there” than “over here”, but in all honesty where would you rather Bush’s silly war be waged – on the terrorists’ turf where they are familiar with the terrain, or here in the streets of America where our troops have the home field advantage?

The answer is obvious, but it won’t happen until neocons like Cheney learn to keep their big yaps shut and let the Democrats do their business.

Bush skips another military funeral

Goofing around on Yahoo! Answers for the past week or so, I've noticed that one question which repeatedly comes up is why has Bush never attended a single funeral for a fallen soldier.

I’ve been to a few such festivals myself and I’ve never seen him at any of them. It's downright shameful. In fact, I was recently commenting to some of my fellow Support Our Babykilling Troops* members that an appearance by Bush, as much as we hate his guts, might actually be a good thing. It would certainly boost attendance, and perhaps draw a little extra business to our Dessert for Deserters® cupcake stand, or maybe even sell a few extra “Impeach Chimpy McBushitler” t-shirts. With thousands of peace activists coming together to protest against the Shrub’s illegal and immoral war, we also wouldn’t have to worry about our anti-Bush chants beings drowned out by 21 gun salutes or the incessant crying of neocon family members. There’d be safety in numbers, as well. I doubt any deranged jingoist will make a move on our “Babykiller Had it Coming” banner with 8,000 angry pacifists ready to scratch his eyes out if he tries. Most importantly, the large media presence that a Bush appearance always draws would open our cause to a lot of much-needed publicity.

That’s exactly why Bush will never grace one military funeral with his presence. He only cares about our troops as long as it furthers his political agenda.

** Supporting our babykilling troops must not be mistaken for support for Bush's illegal and immoral war.