America's #1 Game Show

I'm Bob Winkle, welcome to You Bet Someone Else's Life, where contestants can say whatever they want about the war in Iraq without worrying about the consequences.

Looks like our contestants are eager to get started, so let's jump right into round one. Senator John Kerry, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

You know, Bob, just the other day I spoke with a group of my constituents, and a woman said to me, "Senator Kerry..."

I need a yes or no answer, Senator.

I understand, Bob, but the American people...

Time's almost up, Senator.

You're right Bob, time is almost up for this administration, whose failed policies...

Sorry, time's up. Senator Clinton, should the United States withdraw its troops from Iraq immediately?

I'm going to have to get back you on that, Bob.

Sorry, you only get one chance to answer. Congressman Murtha - should we withdraw the troops?

Yes.

Nancy Pelosi.

Wait - I want to change my answer to no.

Too late, Congressman. Nancy Pelosi - withdraw the troops?

Absolutely.

Howard Dean.

Unless the President says we should, in which case my answer would be no.

Bob, what I meant to say is that we should redeploy the troops, which may or may not be the same as withdrawing them.

The answer is no, we should not withdraw our troops.

I'm going to say no, Bob.

Too late, Senator. Next question...

I'm a veteran!

Good to know. Howard Dean - is the war in Iraq winnable?

Find out what the president thinks and then say the opposite, Howard.

Say yes - I mean no!

Say we need to do whatever is necessary to achieve the political solution desired by...

Oh, can it, horse-face! Howard, just say it depends.

Depends on what?

I don't know - just try to stall until 2008!

Talk about the town where you grew up!

WTF??

Time's almost up.

OK, I'll say...no!

Oh! You were so close - the answer is yes.

That's what I was going to say, Bob.

Bob, I think my answer was taken out of context.

You can't take "no" out of context.

Well, then it's being distorted by the press.

All right, it's time for our final round, the "I think what he meant to say was" round. Senator Kerry, I'm sure you're familiar with how this works.

I certainly am, Bob.

All you have to do is listen to the following quote and tell us what you think the speaker meant to say. Senator Kerry, we're showing a clip of you this week.

Just like old times.

Here we go, contestants. This is Senator Kerry on Face The Nation.

And there is no reason, Bob, that young American soldiers need to be going into the homes of Iraqis in the dead of night, terrorizing kids and children, you know, women, breaking sort of the customs of the--of--the historical customs, religious customs..

Whether you like it or not-- Iraqis should be doing that..

Howard Dean, you heard what Senator Kerry said - what do you think he meant to say?

I, uh...I think he meant to say...that, uh, that this administration has...failed the...American people?

Senator Clinton?

Have to get back to you, Bob.

Congressman Murtha.

Veteran!

Senator Kerry, what did you mean to say?

What the hell was I thinking?

I don't think anyone knows. That's our show for tonight, tune in next time for...

Wait, who won?

No one.

No one?

No, you're all losers.

Be sure to tune in next time for more You Bet Someone Else's Life.

TNR fire the dork!

As anyone who has accompanied me to a massage parlor knows - I love a happy ending. That said, allow me to opine that if you like happy endings like me--Don't go see "No Country For Old Men" which is even worse because it has no damn ending.

So it turns out the editor of The New Republic has finally admitted that hiring Scott Thomas Beauchamp - a private in the US Army - to write for the mag was a mistake. It took him 14 pages to admit it, but the gist is this guy was making it up. Not all of it, but just the stuff that mattered. The stuff, of course, was soldier misconduct - the junk that makes our troops look bad.

The editor even allowed the soldier's wife to fact-check the articles -- which is like asking me to guard your Vicodin. But it didn't matter, because even if the stories were lies, they were just too good to question. When you so badly want to believe our soldiers eat babies for lunch and puppies for dinner, then you're willing to buy any story that meets your assumptions about how rotten we are as a force in this world.

I guess that's why the media has been dead silent on the surge's success. Maybe they're praying it will end in disaster- because to them, appearing smart is better than saving lives.

Peace -- Brother

So the Mideast peace conference opened and closed in Maryland, and I totally missed it because I was getting my back waxed. But President Bush went and promised to take notes, so we're cool. He's there with some Mideast leaders, and get this: they're talking peace. I love peace. Who doesn't? Peace is awesome. See, with peace, all you have to do is talk about it, and you're safe. You can behead, imprison and blow people up, because the veil of peace talks protects you.

So, call it an odd coincidence that at the same time we're talking peace, the Saudis have released 1500 al qaeda terrorists over the weekend. All it took was a promise that they are reformed - and that they will not wage war on the Arabian peninsula. They made no promises about inflicting mayhem elsewhere - like say, Iraq or your local mall. But the Saudis are confident these bad guys have seen the error of their ways, thanks to counseling. Counseling? Yes, counseling! We know how well that works. I know a guy who's done it for three years and still looks at panda porn.

So, do you trust the Saudis opinion? Remember, these are the same folks who punish rape victims for being raped, and behead people at the same rate that I bathe. Which is weekly. Look, I am all for reforming terrorists. But my definition of reform involves a firing squad. And until we convince the Saudis that our version of reform is better than theirs, I'll pass on the peace. And embrace the ammunition.