Sunday, May 08, 2005

Torture my ass

The courtroom was silent as the military judge read the list of charges against Pvt. Lynndie England. Among them:

1. Five counts of leading naked men around by a leash without an official Dominatrix license issued by the mayor of San Francisco,

2. Three counts of piling naked men on top of each other outside the confines of an accredited Ivy League fraternity,

3. One count of repeatedly saying "Nee" until Iraqi prisoners brought her a shrubbery,

and the most heinous crime of all, an act of such inhuman brutality that it makes the Rape of Nan King look like a Sunday picnic:

4. Eleven counts of genital mocking.

To those who think that genital mocking is a victimless crime, think again. Nationwide, over 300,000 white males have their genitals mocked each year. The numbers are significantly higher among enlisted men, who have teensy, peanut-sized genitalia, for which they compensate by carrying around big guns and saying, "OOoh, look me at me, I'm so macho!"

To Muslim males, having one's genitals mocked by a woman is considered a fate worse than having one's head slowly sawed off while other men laugh and sing over your bloodcurdling screams. That's exactly why this crime was so insidious, and why that palimpsest piece of flatulovaporous effluvium must never be allowed to see the light of day again.

Statistics show that 9 out of 10 gential mockers will mock genitals again if released into the general population. Serial mockers such as England have been known to mock hundreds of genitals before finally being apprehended. Unless anti-genital mocking hate crime legislation is enacted immediately, we may never again return to the bygone days when young men could walk the streets at night with their flies open and their tackle out.

Unfortunately, the neocon judge in this case refused to accept England's guilty plea, citing that some of the photographic evidence was taken at a democrat party fundraiser at Martha's Vineyard last weekend. The judge's decision sends a dangerous message to genital mockers that the mocking of genitalia will not only be tolerated, but encouraged as a matter of military policy.