Wednesday, May 05, 2010

The AP is confused and I can clear it up for them.

Okay, here's my favorite headline of the day - no, make that year.

Take a look-see, for yourself

The AP headline reads: "NY car bomb suspect cooperates, but motive mystery."

Yeah it's only a mystery if you're in the media, and really stupid. Everyone else pretty much understands why the terrorist left a fuel bomb in an area filled with families.

He hates us. He hate our country, our culture. He wants you dead.

But the media - an entity full of fragile egos and bubble-encased boobs - just can't see that. In fact, it's kinda awesome how huge and gaping their blind spot toward radical Islamic fundamentalism is. If only there could be other motives for the mayhem, so they'd never having to place blame on anything (except America, of course).

So I thought I'd help them out, and find motives the media could be comfortable with.

So why did Faisal Shahzad try to blow up Time Square?

-Obviously, Global Warming. The increasing temperature forced him to jog at night, and he found the sunlight oppressive. Plus, it made his beard itch.

-Wall Street greed. Faisal had just seen "Capitalism-A Love Story," became enraged, but got lost and ended up in the theater district. Better luck next time.

-Bill Ayers never returned his sweatpants after that weekend in Catalina. Sure, it was a great time, but those sweatpants had sentimental value.

-Lenscrafters was completely out of the Rachal Maddow collection. So he had to settle for a David Shuster knockoff.

-the latest incarnation of "The Lion King" was unoriginal and passionless. Worse, it didn't reflect the damage George Bush did to the world the way "American Idiot" did.

-They're building a Wal-Mart down the road, and their affordable prices deeply offended his "mom and pop" sensibilities.

-Norman Mailer doesn't blog nearly as much on the Huffington Post as he used to.

-The electrolysis didn't work on his pubes.

-The lack of diversity in the workplace is disgusting - well, except for MSNBC. They get a pass because their hearts are in the right place.

-That same sex marriage won't lead to the option of marrying a goat.

- That George Clooney didn't find anyone at the end of "Up in the Air." Although I suppose - he did find himself.


-Those evil tea partiers made of mockery of Islam with their delightful bacon and egg salad sandwiches.

I'll stop there, because it really is the tea partier's fault -for they created the climate of hate that only encouraged Shazhad's actions In fact - I'd say the car bomb was a direct result of the tea partiers, the new Arizona immigration bill, Rush Limbaugh, offshore drilling, and of course: Fox News.

Because all that stuff is evil. Unlike, you know, real evil.