Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Candidates and Other Crap


My childhood dream of living life as a Vietnamese woman was a phase I unfortunately outgrew. Barack Obama, on the other hand, has stuck by his decision to be a Black man in an Anglocentric society even despite all the obvious dangers - dangers that are likely to increase as he draws closer to winning the presidency and becomes more of a threat to the White establishment. It's a harsh reality that must be especially troubling to his family.

Yet when asked in a 60 Minutes interview on Sunday if she feared that he would become the target of racist violence, Osama's wife, Yomama, replied:

"The realities are that, you know, as a black man, you know, Barack can get shot going to the gas station."

Indeed he can, and most likely by his own chaffeur. Yomama's composure notwithstanding, only a thin sheet of glass protects Obama from whatever White Republican Klansman sits up front behind the wheel.

It's a shame, isn't it, that even in this day and age an educated Black man like Obama is still forced to ride in the back of the limo? America, it appears, is still far away from realizing Dr. King's dream. That's all Yomama was trying to say, you racist bastards.

There'll Be a Place for John

EdwardshouseThe wingnut, pope-loving Christofascists are having a grand old time yukking it up over John Edwards’ new residence – a sprawling 102 acre estate in the hills of North Carolina. It’s hypocrisy, they claim, for Edwards to call himself a champion of the poor while living in the Taj Mahal. But like typical uneducated cons, they miss the point entirely. You see, when Edwards becomes president, he will be moving into a much smaller residence in a less desirable neighborhood. It will be rough not having an indoor basketball court or heated toilet seats at the White House, but it’s a sacrifice Edwards is willing to make for the honor to do the People’s Work.

He will of course retain his Chapel Hill plantation as a summer hideway – or perhaps a place to enjoy a much-deserved rest after tirelessly fighting for the poor and downtrodden folks he waves to from his limousine. But for 8 long years, a tiny little shack on Pennsylvania Avenue will be his primary home.

Don’t worry about ol’ John though, he’s no stranger to living humble surroundings. I’m not supposed to say anything, but it’s bound to come out eventually: Edwards grew up the son of poor textile workers.

ANNA--We'll Surely Misss Ya


Marilyn Monroe. Princess Diana. Molly Ivins. Now, Anna Nicole Smith joins the exclusive sorority of Bush's victims. Another goddess cut down in her prime by a twisted Shrub who simply can't tolerate a little bit of grace and beauty in this world.

If I were Tonya Harding, I'd be calling up Jeff Gilooly for a little protection right about now.

Go into the light, Anna! J. Howard is waiting for you.
Go! Join him in eternity, and be at peace.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
I would have liked to have known you
And though I never did
I've probably seen your hooters more
Than your doctor ever did.

Contradictions Come to Define Libby Trial

Just off the top of my head, and in no particular order:

  • Former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer testified that he told John Dickerson (then with TIME magazine) about Valerie Plame. Dickerson denies this.

  • Fleischer also testified that he told NBC’s David Gregory about Valerie Plame. NBC Washington bureau chief Tim Russert later denied that Gregory ever received the leak.

  • Washington Post reporter Walter Pincus testified that Fleischer told him about Valerie Plame. Fleischer denies this.

  • Bob Woodward testified that he had discussions with Pincus about Valerie Plame. Pincus denies this.

  • Russert first told the FBI that he couldn’t rule out the possibility that he discussed Valerie Plame with Scooter Libby. He later testified that he could.

  • NBC’s Andrea Mitchell has yet to testify, but she first said publicly that everyone knew about Valerie Plame prior to Robert Novak’s column. She now denies that she herself knew (and successfully resisted a subpoena).

And now, today, this:

On Tuesday, Jill Abramson, now The New York Times' managing editor, was called first by the defense [...]

Abramson was asked about former Times' reporter Judith Miller's testimony (she had claimed this for a long time) that she had asked Abramson in 2003, when the latter was Washington bureau chief, if she could write a story related to WMD and her recent talks with Libby.

Abramson, as she has done in the past, denied it.

Remind me: Why is Libby the only one on trial for perjury?

Campaign '08: Takin' It to the Street...And Elsewhere

New Mexico has taken its fight against drunken driving to men's restrooms around the state.

The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel.

Whew! Man, do I have to...

Remember, drinking and driving don't mix!

Who said that?

Sorry, that was me, sir.

But you're a...

We're just doing our part to cut down on the number alcohol-related fatalities in this country.

That's right - thousands of people are killed by drunk drivers every year, so please be careful.

Oh, well, uh...I will.

Yes, if you're going to be drinking, please make sure you have a designated driver.

Or you can always call a cab.

Excellent suggestion.


In short, don't drink and drive.

Thanks, I appreciate the advice.

No problem.

Our pleasure.

And remember to vote for Hillary Clinton in the upcoming primary.


Hillary? Are you serious?

Of course I am - who are you voting for, Edwards?

Yes, as a matter of fact I am.

Oh, please! The guy's an empty suit!

Well, at least he's not a Washington insider like Hillary.

Hey, that's a great selling point - lack of experience! Just what we need in a president.

At least he's going to bring the troops home!

That's what he says now - he's still got time to flip-flop like his buddy Kerry.

What does any of this have to do with drunk driving?

Hey, do you mind? We're kind of in the middle of something here.

Yeah, butt out, boozehound.

Fine, I'll just take my business elsewhere.


Man, I can't believe those two. I'll just go in this stall - at least I'll have some peace and quiet.

O-ba-MA! O-ba-MA! O-ba-MA!

On second thought, I'll just hold it till I get home.