Thursday, January 19, 2006


God Switches Teams

Take heed, all you Christian conservative wackos who think you have a direct line to the big guy upstairs, for God has finally abandoned you and joined the winning team!

Fed up with your lies, your war mongering, your profiteering at the expense of the poor - not to mention your antiquated views concerning abortion, gay sex, and the euthanization of the sick and elderly - God has cancelled his contract with Pat Robertson and is now speaking exclusively through Democrat politicians. In an impassioned speech at yesterday’s Martin Luther King Day ceremonies in New Orleans, Mayor Ray Nagin described how the good Lord descended from the heavens and told him that Hurricane Katrina was not sent by Bush as previously believed, but rather by the Creator himself as punishment for the Shrub’s illegal and immoral war in Iraq. God then went on to condemn Bush’s domestic spying program, his refusal to ratify Kyoto, and his tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans.

When Nagin asked how to make things right again, God cocked His giant pimp hat and replied that New Orleans had become a "Zone of Zero Funkativity" and needs be “mo’ choco-licious”. He directed Nagin to “unite the Thumpsaurus Peoples into One Nation of Electric Spank”, under “the Law of Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication”. He then zapped Nagin with his cosmic Bop Gun, hopped into His Mothership, and returned to the Planet Funkadelica.

Nagin’s magical Paul of Tarsus moment wasn’t the only divine miracle experienced by Democrat leaders yesterday. While slamming the GOP-controlled “Plantation of Representatives” yesterday, Sen. Hillary Clinton suddenly broke into a deep baritone rendition of “Old Man River”. A sign from above, perhaps, that she’s ready to become our first Black female president. President Al Gore babbled incoherently for three hours before it was realized that he was actually in a state of grace and speaking in tongues.

Democrats have always been very close to God during election years, but it comes as a complete surprise to all of us that He actually exists. I always assumed that He was just a fictional boogeyman the cons made up to lay a guilt trip on everybody and ruin our good time. But as long as He remains nonjudgmental and doesn’t try to force his morals on anyone, he’s more than welcome in the Big Tent.