Saturday, August 06, 2005

SATIRE ALERT (for the terminally dumb)

John Bolton Has No Teats

The power to make recess appointments is a sacred one, and should be exercised only by a benevolent Democrat president for awarding ambassadorships to campaign contributors and chicks he's banging, without any partisan interference from an obstructive right-wing congress.

Bush has abused this power and crossed into dictatorial waters, essentially circumventing the constitutional process to appoint John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations - a position he's proven to be completely unsuited for. In a scant 24 hours on the job, Bolton has already insulted Secretary General Kofi Annan by showing up to the traditional introductory meeting without the customary kneepads and suitcase full of cash. Such arrogance will only alienate our allies, and runs the serious risk of forcing trusted friends like France to collaborate with our enemies.

One of the first things every child learns is how to play nicely with others. It's a skill that requires a willingness to compromise - that is, bend over and blindly acquiesce without demanding anything in return. Throughout his career, John Bolton has demonstrated that he cannot play nicely with others. Indeed, he's little more than a playground bully who will put the interests of his country above the needs of the International Community. A congressionally appointed envoy to the United Nations should not be a swaggering cowboy, but rather a nurturing, multi-breasted nursemaid upon whose giant teats developing third-world countries can perpetually suckle. Unless I am mistaken, John Bolton has no teats. All he has is a string of Top 40 hits and some rather intimidating facial hair.

So weeks from now, when they crack open George Voiniovich's garage to find the lifeless, blue corpses of Oliver Willis and the senator huddled together in his idling Caddy, you can place the blame squarely upon John Bolton and his unilateralist mustache.