Monday, May 23, 2011

The Rapture was Awesome! : A Report from Heaven

Hey everyone! It’s me, St.Jeffrey
That’s right, I’m a saint now as I got Raptured up to Heaven last Saturday night.
One of the cool upsides to being a saint is that I get to be the Patron Saint of something. You know, like St Jude is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes or St Ambrose the Patron Saint of Beekeepers.
The downside to that is all the really cool stuff has already been patron-sainted…well, actually almost everything has been patron-sainted. Even the obscure stuff.
About the only things left are waffles, hula hoops, and fire ants.
I’m leaning towards waffles but I have to admit I really like the sound of “St Jeffrey the Patron Saint of Fire Ants”.
Anywho, as you’ve probably figured out by now- you weren’t Raptured. Actually, only a couple hundred of us were Raptured worldwide. So, you probably don’t even know someone who got Raptured.
Let me tell you-
One moment you’re out taking the dog for a walk, carrying your little pooper-scooper thingy cause it’s the law and the next moment-BAM!
You are floating naked toward a far point of bright pure light in the sky.
And you’d think you’d be scared, but you’re not. Or at least embarrassed cause, you know, your junk’s hanging out and all, but you’re not.
What you are is joyful beyond anything you’ve experienced before because you’re filled with the knowledge of God’s total love and acceptance of you.
Which is cool.
And you’re filled with knowledge of the world, the universe, and everything; how it all fits together. And how everything, even the bad and horrible stuff, all fits together and makes sense.
But that also means there’s a deep sense of melancholy too, because you’re suddenly aware of everything in your life. The good, of course, but also all the wrong steps, the paths you might have taken, the missed opportunities. So, melancholy is definitely there. Almost overwhelming for a time. And you wish for just one more day, one more minute, one more second to do all the things you’d left undone, to set things right.
As an example:
As I was rising, Air Force One flew by and President Obama returning from some fundraiser or other, was staring out the window, looking right at me.
And since I’d been Raptured, I was suddenly aware of the totality of the man. The good, the bad. His plans. His place in the scheme of things…
And I was moved…I felt compelled to-waggle my junk at him and shoot him the bird. Cause really, when would I have the chance to do that again?
You left behind guys really might want to keep an eye on that Obama guy. That’s all I’m allowed to say.
I have to admit, it is extremely cool to know so much. Just about everything.
I know the all the answers to mankind’s most vexing questions. For instance-
Does Lindsay Lohan’s carpet match the drapes?
I can definitely tell you, no.
The drapes don’t have genital warts and crabs.
I “m Kidding
That’s one of the first things you learn when you arrive here in Heaven. It is absolutely hilarious. The funniest joke ever! I’m laughing right now just thinking about it.
The story of Creation is absolutely the best way to start off your eternity in Heaven. It all started when……Huh?
Oh…okay…..well, St Michael the Archangel informs me I can’t say anything more about Creation and all.
But, believe me, you will LOL!
But, Jeff, Jeff, I hear you say, that’s all great you’re in Heaven and such but what about me?
Sorry, I almost forgot. I mean, Heaven is just so great. Time means nothing here.
Okay, so you probably don’t know this but you get a second chance for Rapture next year. God the Almighty is nothing if not fair. And a bit of a softy. But He has His limits. That’s it.
I can’t really tell you the date. But, did you know God’s favorite movie is “Groundhog Day”?
True story.
Add it’s pretty easy to catch the next Rapture Express. Just follow the Ten Commandments. That’s just about it.
The whole not taking God’s name in vain thing is what trips most people up.
Saying “shit” or “fuck” any of that kind of stuff is okay, but no God references in your cursing.
And that includes stuff like “gosh darn it!” or even “ding dang it!” for as God Himself puts it:
“Dost thou believe that He, Who created both Heaven and Earth, the Stars and the Oceans, the Fish in the Sea and the Birds of the Air, doth not recognize a euphemism when He hears one?”
So…you’ve been warned.
And I know we like to think that politics has little or nothing to do with getting to Heaven however, if you’re a lefty, a progressive, a liberal, a commie, or a socialist, you’ve spent your whole life breaking the “thou shalt not steal” and “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods” deal no matter what justifications you tell yourself. That doesn’t make you a good person. Think about it.
And last, but certainly not least, cause there’s like a billion of you guys, Muslims you might want to rethink that whole murdering, raping, stealing, jihad for God thing as that all goes directly against the Ten Commandments.
You see, Mohammed was one of God’s little jokes. Really. Your prophet was a murdering, raping, child-molesting, neurologically-damaged, epileptic thief. And that didn’t tip you off?
God still shakes his head over that one.
Anyway, you’ve got a year to convert- Buddhist, Christian, Shinto, Hindu, Jainist, whatever- they all follow the Ten Commandments or their version. Lots of each of those in Heaven. You guys, not so much…. anyway think about it.
Well, I’m off to go sing the Praises of God, which you think would get old, but it never does! He is just so awesome!
If you have any questions about life, the universe, etc, just write them in to me in an email. If I’m allowed to answer, I will.
But, hurry, otherwise the only way you’ll be able to communicate with me is to ask for my intercession when cooking crispy, delicious, golden-brown waffles- or help with your fire ant infestation…
Not sure which…