Caribou Sour On Dem Agenda
by John Q. Caribou
I have been watching the unfolding of political events in the lower forty-eight with a great deal of concern. As many of you no doubt are aware, one of the main planks of the Democratic platform has been and continues to be the prevention of drilling for oil in the ANWAR region of Alaska.
Ostensibly this is being done, according to new speaker Nancy Pelosi and others, to "protect the environment" and "save the caribou". Interesting. I am in fact a caribou. All of my friends are caribou. None of us has ever been approached by anyone asking our thoughts about the notion of drilling in ANWAR. Which, according to our internal polls, is supported by over 97% of caribou.
I can already hear the rebuttals from the left:
"But John, how can you support drilling in Alaska? It will destroy the pristine beauty of the wilderness!" If by "pristine" you mean "Godforsaken death tundra" then I agree. And by the way, last time I checked, none of you f***-biscuits were actually living in this "pristine" land.
"But John the oil might spill!" Good!! That might add a little taste to the damn snow we eat 24/7! Do you know what else caribou in this part of Alaska eat Ms. Pelosi? We eat our own turds. Do you know what we nosh on when we get sick of our own turds and want a little variety? We eat our friend's turds. Think on that when you are sitting in your uppity Bay Area cafe pretentiously preaching about what my people want.
"But John, some of my best friends are caribou!" Right. And I often slather my kids in honey and have the local brown bears babysit them.
Maybe, Ms. Pelosi, you can lend us some of that heavy machinery that you obviously employ to keep your face off of your neck, so that the American people and their caribou friends to the north will both benefit.