The Man who would be President 

John Kerry Has Bush's Number (Satire Alert!)

Along with windsurfing, bicycling, and sucking the morale out of our armed forces like an industrial vac, John Kerry has the uncanny ability to predict the content of Bush's speeches and rebutt them in advance. There was little point in me watching Bush spew his jingoist propaganda last night, for Big John had it all covered. He knew that Bush would defy 200 years of presidential tradition and attempt to rally the nation with "Happy Talk" in a time of war. He knew that Bush would try to make us have faith in our country and pride in the troops, despite everything democrats have taught us. And he knew he had to do something about it.

Fearful of coming off like a sore loser, yet he finding himself unable to tolerate Bush's littany of lies, he tookpen in hand to criticize Bush's poorly planned war. A Vietnam war hero thrice wounded in combat, he courageously expressed his disatisfaction with a war he himself supported before he was against it, and that he boldly sort of supports now.

The New York Times was, of course, hesitant to risk their reputation of objectivity by publishing a partisan hit piece. But after going over Kerry's article with a fine-toothed comb and triple-checking all the facts, they threw caution to the wind and printed the article as a service to the American People.
Ever the optimist, Kerry predicted a gloomy outcome for the War in Iraq, unless Bush followed some key advice. Gleaned from previous Bush speeches and policy already in effect, Kerry's bold new ideas are perhaps our best chance to end the Quagmire in Iraq:

1. Bush must announce that the U.S. will not remain in Iraq permanently.

2. The Iraqis must be encouraged to form their own government and hold elections.

3. The Iraqis must be trained to defend themselves.

4. Saddam must be captured and held for trial.

Most importantly, a plan must be set for the withdrawal of our troops and presented to democrats in Congress or, cutting out the middle man, given directly to Al Zarqawi so he can get a jump on the killing fields when we depart.

Oh, America! How wrong you were to send such a brilliant mind back to Boston! What fools you were to toss this bright beacon of hope away like a handful of someone else's war medals! I weep for you, America, for you've missed the John Kerry swift boat of love!

Cancer Blogging

It has gotten to the point where I am just not able to answer all the emails about Deb. And so, I will begin the “CancerBlogging” entries to give all of you the updates rather than try to keep re-doing and adding to the mass mailing list.

For some background for those of you who read my tripe and don’t know what in the hell I’m yakking about here is the quick and dirty briefing.

Several months ago, Deb (my wife), was diagnosed with breast cancer. Having gone through all of the examinations, CAT scans-PET-scans-MRI’s, Ultrasonics, X-Rays, blood work, Muga-scan, etc. the final diagnosis for Deb was IDC (inductive ductal carcinoma) with some additional metastasis in the thoracic region of her chest and spine.

Deb had a dual port surgically placed in her chest for the administration of Chemotherapy, about three weeks ago. On Monday June 13^th, Deb began her first cycle of Chemo. She is getting three different drug combinations which take approximately 6 hours for the entire process. It begins with hydration and anti-nausea medicine through an IV followed by the Chemo drugs. This is followed up the next day with IV hydration which takes another 3 hours to administer as they throw in some anti-nausea medicine too.

Over the past 11 days she has had the normal and customary effects of an aggressive Chemo regimen. Beginning this Tuesday she has had to go in every day for a shot of Nuperine (sp) which is a drug that will help the production of white blood cells as her white count fell far below normal. This too is considered a normal side effect of the Chemo. And for the record, she still has all her hair at the moment.

All things considered (Pardon me NPR) Deb has done pretty god-damned good this first cycle. Her attitude is great and she has not suffered any real debilitating circumstances from this first cycle. She goes back for a second round on July 5^th. After this second round we should have some indication of whether the Chemo is doing its job. Deb had some markers placed on the tumors and we are hoping that after the second round there will be either some softening or shrinking.

I will be taking my laptop to the Chemo Center for some live ChemoBlogging.

Lastly—For all you ladies, PTA members, friends and relatives of Debbie who will be reading this Blog to get the Debbie Updates please be advised that the right wing ranting and tasteless humor I write on this blog was never intended for your eyes or sensibilities. I suggest that you only read the Debbie Updates and skip the rest, unless of course you are as sick, demented, and libertarian as I am. What and how much of this tripe I write that you read will only be between you and your God as no one will know what you read and what you skip over.

That assumes of course that there is indeed a God.

The genius of Karl Rove

Once again, Karl Rove has tied the Democrats in knots. With their own rope.

Karl Rove's statement costs the GOP no political capital. He's not head of any party, he's not running for anything. No one can hang anything on him in an election.

But in one fell swoop, he has simultaneously stuck a thumb in the Democratic Party's eyes, and as the fools run screaming from the hive, demanding an apology, every stupid thing Reid, Rangel, Durbin, Byrd, Dean, McKinney, Donna Brazile (Who once called Colin Powell an "Uncle Tom," and all the other lefty bloviators ever said percolates right back up into the headlines, as the media tries to compare what Karl Rove said (Every word of which is demonstrably true. Susan Sontag alone validates Karl Rove's point) to those boneheaded things each of the Democrats said.

And now people are digging into the archives and finding that what Rove said is true - liberals were calling for "Restraint and moderation" from day one. They can't deny it. It's in their own rhetoric.

What's more, Karl Rove is genuinely speaking for conservatives, here. The Republican Party's not splitting over his words, the way the Democratic bird-brains all tried to snipe at Dean, for example.

The Democrats are so predictably incompetent, they couldn't find their ass with two hands and a flashlight.

Rove is, as usual, three steps ahead of the Dems. The Dems would be better off just writing him off as a political hack, not bothering with demands for apologies or resignations, which bring their own legion mistakes back to haunt them, saying they pity him, and be done with it.

Instead they play right into GOP hands.

They would never be able to defeat the Mujahedeen. They can't even defeat the GOP.

And these guys want to take over responsibility to run a war?

They couldn't run the frigging shuttle bus to the PX!

Durbin the "DICK" got this confession. 

Liberal in waiting 

SATIRE ALERT (for the terminally dumb)

Despite the promise of resigned acquiescence in the spirit of compromise, repugs in congress still insist on backing Bush's idiotic nominees. Now the Shrub is threatening to force a recess appointment down everyone's gullet unless Congress hands a highly unqualified thug an ambassadorship to the United Nations.

A UN ambassador should be kind, gentle, and opinionated only in a curmudgeonly grandfather sort of way. He or she should have an unintimidating mustache and refrain from speaking bluntly, brusquely, or in any fashion that might make Sen. Voinovich blubber like Michael Landon during sweeps week. In other words, a U.N. ambassador must be everything that John Bolton is not.

However, there is one man who meets all of the qualifications for the position and then some. I'm talking, of course, about deposed Iraqi leader, Saddam "Cuddles" Hussein. While Bully Bolton is a bullying bully who bullies his subordinates, Saddam jokes with and gives fatherly advice to his captors. Bolton holds grudges against those who don't march lockstep to the beat of his drum, but Saddam has no hard feelings for the chimp who bombed his palaces in the incorrect order and then chased him down a spider hole. Bolton belittles the very organization he seeks to work for, yet Saddam has a long record of cooperation with the UN, and would sooner eat a bowl of Fruit Loops than defy France.

Call me a radical if you must. Tell me I'm ahead of my time. But if a UN appointment can in some small way repay Papa Saddam for Bush's destruction of his country, murder of his gentle sons, and theft of his oil, then dammit we owe him that much!

Number of Terrorist death caused by US Troops at Guantanamo Bay---0 Number of Young Women killed by a US Senator at Chappaquiddick, MA: 1  

Then--why no bone in her nose?

Oprah Winfrey is a women enjoying a uniquely American success story.

Uniquely. American.

There is no society in the history of civilization where Oprah's unbelievable success is possible. Where someone with no talent other than sucking up to celebrities, producing awful movies, and making absolutely everything under the sun all about her can become the most wealthy and powerful woman in the world.

And what does she do? What does she say? She goes to Africa AFRICA (!) and proclaims, "I wish I was born here" and proudly states she's a Zulu.

1. Has she ever proudly stated she's an American?

2. Has she ever said she was glad to be born in America?

3. If I called her a Zulu I'd be up on hate crime charges.

4. If she really wishes she were born in Africa, we can do the the next best thing: We'll snip her clitoris, make her a slave, starve her, plague her with AIDS, and then machete her to death in a genocidal rampage.

Because if you were born in The Motherland, you ungrateful *controlling myself here*, you wouldn't be Oprah, you'd be lucky to be a statistic.

And don't worry, after you're gone and nobody notices -- we'll be sure to get some other ungrateful liberals together to blame America for what's happening an ocean away. We'll be sure to blame the country who provides the most aid and food. We'll be sure to blame everybody but, you know, the actual people who live in Africa, for the atrocities of genocide, starvation, and a depraved indifference to AIDS and slavery.

Oh, and anyone nostalgic for those "Owning a Darkie" days need only move to Africa. Because it's only in "The Motherland" the abomination of slavery's still tolerated. Because "The Motherland" is being ravaged by it's own "Mothers" and "Fathers" -- but of course, that's Americas fault.

And Oprah, don't think all of us have forgotten how you whored your way to fame. Some of us still remember that you are the Queen Of Trash TV. No, it wasn't that long ago you were Mrs. Jerry Springer with your own parade of trailer trash and neo-Nazis. And it was only after you spawned the legion of imitators who continue to degrade our culture that you were able to rise above.

You wish you were born in Africa? Well, gee Oprah, that makes two of us.

Hi There---My name is Dick Durbin---That makes me a Dick-donchaknow. And just for the record I want it known that I am a complete and total ASSHOLE> 

A new democrat voter 

Actual Caption of the above photo:

Gregory Despres is shown in this image from television. On April 25, 2005, Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canadian border crossing at Calais, Maine, carrying chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood, a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, and brass knuckles.

U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons, fingerprinted Despres, and then let him into the United States.

Despres ... was arrested in Mattapoisett, Mass. and is being held in a jail there, charged with two counts of first-degree murder.

Memo to U.S. Customs and Border Protection:

Putting aside, for the moment,

the blood-stained chain saw,

the sword,

the hatchet,

the knife and

the brass knuckles,

was there anything ... anything at all ... about this guy which might have cause you to think twice about letting him into the country?

You too can be National President of the US Jaycees. 

The Jimmy Carbs "Anorexic-No-More" Diet

• Breakfast- 6-pack of beer (any beer you choose, but avoid Michelob Ultra and the like), 1 dozen deep-fried pierogies (serve with sour cream and cheese fries), 1 loaf of bread
• Mid-morning snack- 2 pizzas and a ham
• Lunch- 12-pack of beer and 3 bags of potato chips (generic brands are acceptable)
• Afternoon snack- Bagels with lox (a baker's dozen)
• Dinner- A family of migrant workers (season to taste)
• Bedtime snack- Sheet cake (just one)

I mean---Come on---this is funny! It takes art to a new level. 

Dean Vindicated, Most Republicans Do Not Make Honest Livings

DNC Chairman Howard Dean has come under fire recently for comments he made regarding the employment propensities of Republican voters. Dean was quoted as saying that "a lot of (Republicans) never made an honest living in their lives." A new study has shown that Dean may in fact be correct.

"We took a look at the types of jobs that Republicans hold and were frankly surprised," stated pollster Lemuel Fontaneaux. "Bankers, doctors, laborers even a few teachers and social workers. They covered the whole gamut. Finding registered Democrats who were employed was a bit more difficult. However, among the ones we contacted the most commonly held jobs were conscientious objector, political activist and coffee shop clerk. Interestingly, almost without exception every one of them aspired to become a college professor."

Fontaneaux went on to say that for the purpose of this particular study, the criteria for a "dishonest living" included the following:

• actually being employed
• accepting money for employment from a small, medium or large sized company
• using the money from said employment to take care of your family and pay your bills
• being employed in a field that does not involve the legalization of marijuana
• driving an SUV to work
• voting Republican

In a related story, a whopping 68% of Republicans reported that Dean is their number one choice as the 2008 Democratic Presidential candidate. Michael Moore remains second and Al Gore and Gary Busey tied for third.

I want to apologize to all of you for really screwing the pooch on the Bush National Guard story. No---really---I was doing meth and hadn't showered in a week and my body odor alone sent me off the edge.

But if you think about it there could be some truth to the story even if the documents were created by some Mexican Dwarf on speed. 

Even if the documents were forged the story was in keeping with my own view and that of Howard Dean 

Botton Line: The story was FALSE but ACCURATE---Praise Allah 

Coincidence ??

I don�t think so!
 

MORE KORAN ABUSE

A United States Marine was sentenced today to 20 years hard labor for looking sideways at the Koran.

The offense occurred at the Guantanamo Detention Center where Muslim prisoners have filed numerous complaints against guards who they say routinely desecrate the Islamic holy book. Some of the desecrations include:

1. Wearing dirty white gloves while handling the Koran

2. Not being deferential enough towards the holy book. One inmate, Muhammed Ahkbar complained that Marine guards routinely failed to “bow low and scrape their heads against the floor” while in the presence of the Koran. “It is only right that the infidel dogs show homage to Allah in this manner.” Ahkbar said.

3. Guards not being ready for pop quizzes on the Koran by inmates.

4. Guards not washing their hands after urinating and then handling the Koran. This led to a rumor in the facility that a guard had actually peed on the holy book. But after a 6 month investigation costing taxpayers more than $1 million, no proof of the allegation could be found.

In addition to Koran desecration, inmates complain of torture and mistreatment. “My bed is lumpy.” said Saad Rafjani. “I prefer the Serta Extra Firm queen size but these defilers before Allah gave me the twin size.”

One inmate complained about the food. “The lamb is overcooked, the Khoubz tastes like the inside of my AK-47, and you can see right through the water!”

Pentagon spokesman Lawrence DiRita claims that the inmates are comfortable and well fed.

Non-Post

Just wanted you to know that this is not a post.

Seriously, it's not.

If this was a post I would be writing something in this space.

I mean, sure, I'm writing now, but it's not really writing per se.

What the hell does per se mean, anyway? Wait here, I'm going to look it up.

Still here? Hold on, almost done.

per se

Pronunciation: (")p&r-'sA also per-'sA or (")p&r-'sE
Function: adverb
Etymology: Latin
: by, of, or in itself or oneself or themselves : as such :

That wasn't much help. It would probably help if I knew what etymology meant. Maybe I need to learn Latin. Not much chance of that.

Anyway, this isn't a post.

SATIRE ALERT

Deep Throat, Man of the People

As the flag-waving jingoist masses were busily drooling over the murderous troops last weekend, a REAL hero slithered out from the shadows of anonymity into the bright and lucrative glow of stardom. No bones about it, W. Mark Felt is the personification of courage. Any moron can pick up a gun and shoot some poor Iraqi kid in the ass, but it takes real guts to leak government information to the media under an alias, deny it for 30 years, and then blurt out in a fit of senile dementia, "I am Deep Throat! Where are my pants? I like cheese."

The Repugs are, of course, in full spin mode. The unveiling of the legendary Deep Throat draws more scrutiny to the current crook in office, and astute comparisons are already being drawn between Nixon and the Shrub. But instead of accepting the fact that Bush and Nixon are two heads on the same conservative dragon, the repugs are attacking the messenger. They're calling a true American patriot everything from a "rat fink" to a "slutty, trailer park ho'" who concocted the entire story when Nixon spurned his sexual advances. Even Deep Throat's much deserved beatification by the New York Times won't stem the tide of right-wing hate. I wouldn't be surprised if Felt wound up dead in a park of an apparent "suicide", Hunter S. Thompson style. The GOP simply won't forgive the man who brought down their beloved Richard Nixon, ended the Vietnam War, and proved to the whole world that republicans are too damned corrupt to be allowed to govern.

The red state troglodytes can keep worshipping uniformed fascists for all I care, but progressives know that the real American heroes are the whistleblowers - at least, those who blow the whistle on Republicans. And like Richard Clarke, David Brock, Ethel and Julius Rosenburg, and other great whistleblowers before them, the self-righteous tweet of Mr. Felt's mighty whistle will echo through history.