Hello, I'm Geraldine Ferraro, former Congressperson from New York, former Ambassaperson to the UN, and the winner of a Tony Award for my critically acclaimed portrayal of Mark Twain in the Broadway musical, Cats.
Today I'd like to talk to you about race. The Presidential Race, that is! As you may know, my dear friend Hillary Clinton has been facing some fierce competition from Barack Obama in her run for the White House. Many of you have probably already succumbed to Jungle Fever and joined his bizarre sex cult. But the fact of the matter is that Obama in only where he is today because he is Black. If he were a white man, he'd still be back on the plantation, eating watteymelon and singing Negro spirituals in a deep baritone.
Don't ever let anyone hear you say that, though. In today's hostile political climate, you can't make a disparaging racial remark about somebody without everyone calling you a "racist". That's because it's easier for Obama to inject race into the campaign and launch personal attacks than debate Hillary on the issues. It's how the Good Ol' Boys in the Grand Ol' Party operate. Ol' Walter Mondale can attest to that. There wasn't a day that went buy that Reagan didn't make some snide comment about Wally's homosexuality. Too bad Mondale was white or he'd be President today. And I'll be the first one to admit that if my name was "Gerald" instead of "Geraldine", I never would've been his running mate. Heck, if my name was Skip Stephenson, I wouldn't even be talking to you right now.
Alright. I'm going to be completely honest with you people. I'm not always 100% sure exactly who I am. Sometimes I get a little confused. Just last night, my wonderful wife says to me "Hal, you are NOT Geraldine Ferraro! Stop putting on make-up and issuing statements to the press! And stop pooping in my sock drawer!" Then a cold wave of fear will sweep over me, because I'm pretty sure I saw the ol' battle axe get devoured by that monster under the stairwell. Or was that Adrienne Barbeau? Yes, yes. I'm almost certain it was. What a rack on that gal! I would've married her, too, if she were a white man. I was fortunate enough instead to marry that beautiful actress from Designing Women, Delta Burke.
That would make me Gerald MacRaney, wouldn't it?
Gerald!!!! Then Good God, how the hell did I get to be Vice President?