Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Ben and Jerry Endorsement of B. Hussein Obama

So Ben & Jerry's founders have endorsed Barack Obama for President, and will lend two "Obamamobiles" to drive around and give away "Cherries For Change" ice cream. The hippie millionaires explain that Obama represents real, inspirational change. Just like heart-stopping ice cream.

But as always, whenever you ask anyone what this change REALLY is, you get nothing. Why? Maybe because if we get into specifics - Obama's support will melt like a bowl of Chubby Hubby in the noonday sun.

This stupid endorsement actually illustrates the problem with change. Change means nothing if it's not defined as either good or bad. For example, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream has definitely changed our country... by making us all fatter and more unhealthy. Just by looking at a pint of Phish Food, you'll need a coronary stent and possibly a gastric bypass. I should know. I ate a tub for breakfast, and I went from a size 34 to a 38 waist. But is that good change? My turduckengals would say no. Or just gently weep under my immense weight.

Finally, I wonder if Obama would happily accept a similar endorsement from a gun manufacturer or a tobacco company. Frankly speaking, Ben and Jerry's ice cream is simply the dairy equivalent of an Uzi. Except it takes you years to die, instead of seconds.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Cherry Garcia.