So new research reveals that Pedophiles are shorter on average than men who are attracted to adults. The study looked at 1,200 men and found that Pedophiles are about 5 feet 9 inches tall, while non-offenders are just under 5 feet 10 inches tall. Apparently, size matters.
So I'm not five foot ten. I'm actually five foot six, in tasteful pumps. Does this make me a pedophile? I hope not, because I hate kids. I can barely tolerate poultry, which are like kids with little wings.
I find pedophiles to be despicable people - but this research stinks. It's an attack on short people like me who already face discrimination every time we try to look cool sitting on a bar stool with our feet dangling. Obviously the large majority of short people are not molesters - they're actors, and everyone knows they're too busy injecting butt fat into their lips to fiddle with kids.
Do I foresee a time when we will round up all short men and imprison them?
To save the children?
I hope not. I need room to roam! And really, it's tall people we really have to worry about. Did you ever have to sit behind a tall person at the movies? The fact is, being tall allows you to hide things on shelves that no one else can reach. Especially children. And if we really care about the children - then we should kill tall people.
And if you disagree with me you're worse than Hitler.
