Going Green with logic

HOW TO SAVE THE EARTH, ONE HUMAN AT A TIME

Many of our most thoughtful environmentalists are telling us that our planet is
facing an unfathomable calamity. The combination of unbridled overpopulation and increasing greenhouses gases puts us on a path to destroy Mother Earth - unless we do something now. Two of the major suggestions to prevent such disaster were unveiled this week: in England, scientists suggested creating compulsory restriction on family sizes, to reduce the global population. Meanwhile researchers in Japan suggest an end to eating meat, since the environmental cost of a few pounds of beef is responsible for more
pollution than driving a car for three hours.

I have examined this problem closely and realize there is a simple answer to this dilemma. If overpopulation and consumption of animals cause major harm to our planet, then we can simply eradicate both threats through cannibalism.

Let's eat each other.

Like acupuncture and Yoga, cannibalism has been around for many centuries. And as you know, we are willing to embrace anything associated with ancient, spiritual cultures. And believe me, you can't get much more ancient or spiritual than a self-consuming practice that protects animals while paying tribute to our lovely planet. What I'm talking about is a healing process for the earth.

But in a pot.

With carrots and maybe some spring potatoes.

Because in order to embrace modern environmentalism, you must reject any exceptionalism about humanity, or any possibility that something good might come from creating more people.

So dig in. I suggest we start with Al Gore. He's got some meat on those bones!

Hildabeast

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who recently dazzled Black audiences with her Stepin Fetchit plantation slave impersonation, will grow back her trademark monobrow for the first ever Gay Debates next month. In addition, she plans to sport a traditional Wayne Newton haircut, along with a lovely L.L. Bean flannel pantsuit with matching Gucci combat boots.

While her debate strategy is sure to draw ridicule from the hatemongering homophobes of the Religious Right, Hillary hopes her transformation will send a message to Queer voters that she cares about issues that are important to the Gay Community, issues that typically make less open-minded people want to hide their children or heave all over themselves.

"People like that Manpig and his Merry Band of Breeders in the White House," Hillary whistled through her brand new tongue piercing while menacingly waving a rubber dildo at reporters Tuesday.

Not to be outdone, Senator Barack Obama will bond with Gay voters by donning a feather boa and strutting around the stage at the debates. John Edwards justs plans to be himself.

SATIRE ALERT

Al-Queda is reported to have its strength back!!!!

Despite the Bush junta's attempts to keep it buried, a recently obtained classified report confirms that Al Qaeda's strength has returned to pre-9/11 levels. Osama Bin Laden is on the loose, the Taliban has retaken control of Afghanistan, and terrorists are poised to strike the West.

In other words, things are pretty much the way Bill Clinton left them.

It's understandable then why Repugs wouldn't want this infiormation to come to light: it contradicts everything they've been saying since they stole their way into power. All their yammering about duct tape and visqueen and weapons of mass destruction was simply a ploy to control us with fear. Thank Goddess their lies have finally been exposed. We can all sleep soundly tonight knowing that in spite of Bush's best efforts, the so-called "terrorist threat" warrants about as much attention today that President Clinton gave it when he was in charge.

So there's a new study that says muscular young men tend to have more sex partners than men with less muscles. The research suggests muscles in dudes are like tail feathers in male peacocks: They attract females.

This makes sense - with the exception of abdominal muscles. I HATE people with abdominal muscles, and you should too. I once had abs so I know abs are pointless. The people who have abs only have them to let you know that they have them. It's like a Porsche made of flesh. Except, unlike the car, abs don't actually take you anywhere. Men who obsess over their abs offer nothing to society. I see them in the park and on the beach... always touching their stomachs, as if to remind themselves of their only identifiable trait. Worse, these twerps always strip off to show off their prized possessions. Company picnic? Off comes the shirt. Bowling night? Why not? Dad's funeral? He would have wanted it that way.

Men with abs aren't really men, but women with penis's. Did Winston Churchill have abs? Did Ronald Reagan have abs? Does Jack Nicholson have abs? No, no, and God no. Fact is, abs have become symbolic of what I call "reverse achievement." The more there is of it, the less you've actually done with your life.

Abs are no longer a mark of natural fitness - instead they are an 'ass badge'. If you're bearing abs, then you're probably an ass. Men will see how vain you are and dismiss you. And while a woman may find your abs initially attractive, soon she'll wonder if you care more about them than her. You do.

And yes, it's been about a year since I did crunches and ab work at the gym. I go to the god-damned gym every day but I'm old and the ab work is a killer that I have now rationalized I don't have to do because no woman cares if my old ass has a flat stomach. Oh Yea--I know I should work my abs -- even at my age--but you know what??????

Kiss my ass-badge!

FIGHTING GLOBAL WARMING WITH A ROCK CONCERT IS LIKE FIGHTING OBESITY WITH A HOT DOG-EATING CONTEST*

For years, fear mongers have been telling us carbon dioxide emissions caused by our use of energy have created a greenhouse effect that's warming the planet at a rapid and dangerous rate. Yet these people are not the least bit concerned about the amount of carbon and useless hot air that will be spewed into the heavens as a direct result of Live Earth.

The energy needed to power the site of just one venue -- there will be at least seven -- will be enormous. Matt Helders, the perspicacious drummer for the English rock group Arctic Monkeys, which will not be playing at any of the sites, noted that the stage lighting alone will burn "enough power for 10 houses."

The stars can't be expected to walk or bike to the venues, so there's all the jetting around, and it adds up. On their last world tour, Live Earth participant Red Hot Chili Peppers belched 220 tons of CO2 into the skies from their private jet over six months, according to the London Daily Mail. That's more than 20 times what an average person in the developed world will emit in a year.

And don't forget all the gas-guzzling trucks needed to transport the equipment and fume-exhaling buses that idle stage-side, keeping the rock heroes cool as they await their moments in the sun.

Then there's all the garbage that will be generated by the admiring crowds. Two years ago, the Live 8 concert in London produced 150 tons of trash, which had to be picked up and hauled away by vehicles that burn carbon-based fuel.

Oh, and did we mention that General Motors, a multinational company that builds those greenhouse gas-belching contraptions that worry the environmentalists so much, is a sponsor on NBC's overwrought coverage?

Tony Blair---we miss you already

Gordon Brown----Pantload

Gordon Brown (England’s new Prime Minister –for those of you who are University of Florida grads) has banned ministers from using the word "Muslim" in connection with the terrorism crisis.

The Prime Minister has also instructed his team -- including new Home Secretary Jacqui Smith -- that the phrase "war on terror" is to be dropped.

The shake-up is part of a fresh attempt to improve community relations and avoid offending Muslims, adopting a more "consensual" tone than existed under Tony Blair.

Problem solved!

I recommend calling them "silly geese" instead. Then we'll all have a good laugh, and these guys will say pshaw and fiddlesticks to those dopey old car-bombs. Yay Buddy!

As if language will make them (radical Mohamed freaks) more civil. Sheesh!

And don't expect a newspaper to use the word "Muslim" in the very first paragraph of a story about Muslims who are trying to kill people, unless the story is about how we're not supposed to use that word. Despite the fact that it's the thing that ties these terrorists together. In fact, if you ask them, they'll tell you that their religion is the reason they're doing it. But if you point that out, you're some sort of racist. You might hurt somebody's feelings! Not to be vulgar or obscene, but Gordon Brown is an idiot. Although one must consider him an important idiot. Nevertheless, he’s still and idiot.

What now?

Whenever a terror attempt fails - the immediate debate divides into two opposing beliefs: one that makes sense, and one that's just plain nuts.

The sensible one is that terrorism is our biggest threat, and we must eliminate it completely.

The nutty one is that the terror threat has been exaggerated. And we're dealing with incompetents. Worse, our overblown reaction has done more harm than good.

But does it matter who is right? As a government, you must protect your citizens, regardless.

Look at it this way:

-If the terror is real, then you continue destroying all terror cells. And, if possible, take out Sean Penn's camper as collateral damage. If the threat turns out to be exaggerated, you lose nothing, except some time spent at airport security, and maybe your shampoo.

-If the second idiotic belief is right, and there is no terror threat, then you relax security measures and reduce assaults on terror cells. But, here's the deal: if your instincts are wrong, you end up with many thousands of US citizens dead. That's not a good thing, even if you're Rosie O'Donnell.

So the only solution to the terror problem - regardless of how large or small you believe the threat to be - is to relentlessly capture and kill terrorists and remove every speck of al qaeda from this planet.

That, and deporting Danny Glover to Venezuela.

Torture

British authorities say that they have all the key suspects in custody. Which is great. But what do you do with them now? To assist in hunting down and then killing the masterminds of these and other terror attempts, my suggestion rhymes with "torture."

Because it is "torture." I know, I know. Torture's wrong because it's mean and it's hurtful. But that's the point. Torture is supposed to scare the be-Jesus out of you, even if you have no be-Jesus in you. My guess it also can also scare the be-Mohammed out of you.

To paraphrase John Lennon, give torture a chance.

But first we need to define "torture." Torture is wrong, evil and sadistic -- which is why it works so well on wrong, evil and sadistic people. It's a universal language, like a hug. Or rather, a really painful hug that nearly squeezes the life out of you!

And, one man's torture can be another man's delight. I'm sure some people think the current living conditions at Gitmo is torture. Not me. The idea of being isolated for 23 hours a day, with only one hour of sunlight, is heaven to me. I'm easily entertained, and enjoy talking to myself. And some would agree, having me placed away from people, might be great for all of us.

What of interrogation and sleep deprivation? Is that torture? No. That was my childhood. Cavity searches? Bring it on. It's been so long, really. I'll take what I can get.

Do you really want to know what torture is?

No more Gilmore Girls. Anyone showing me pictures of their cats. Watching a bartender make a mojito while you're waiting to order a drink. Mojitos take forever to make, even though they're just booze mixed with hedge clippings. Who wants to drink hedge clippings?

Answer: not me.

And not you either.