SATIRE ALERT

What's Wrong With Fairness?

The problem with conservatives is that they exist in a world of order, structure, and moral absolutes. Such primitive ideals preclude their tiny brains from comprehending the intellectual superiority of Liberal Talk Radio: a haven for moral relativism, logical fallacies, and hysterical hissy fits fueled by a thinly-veiled narcissistic loathing of the American people. As a result, the balance of political ideals among the dimwitted sheeple herd has lurched perilously to the right, and society is dangerously close to a return of the era of lynchings, cross burnings, and tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans.

Hate Radio proponents insist, of course, that it's all "market driven", and that the greedy broadcasting monopolies only air what people want to hear. That's exactly why it's all so damn UNFAIR. Given the choice between listening to John Kerry badmouth the troops or Sean Hannity badmouth John Kerry, the mouthbreathing, knuckledragging, radio-listening hordes will typically pick the latter. So while a Woman's Right to Choose is sacred, the right to choose what one listens to on the radio is far too important to be trusted to the American sheeple. To preserve our democracy and insure that Liberal ideas never fall victim to the whims of those that they are inflicted upon, we must reinstate the Doctrine of Fairness our Founding Fathers tacked onto the 1st Amendment.

How anyone could oppose something called a "Fairness Doctrine" is beyond me, but the anti-Fairness conservatives hate it almost as much as they hate blacks and gays. That's because deep down they know they can't compete on a Free & Open Market when it's content is controlled by a federal bureaucracy operated by liberals. But the tide is turning. Despite being constantly bombarded by right-wing lies, the imbecilic idgets overwhelmingly returned Congress to its rightful owners last year, and the White House is Hillary's for the taking. We approach the dawn of a A New Age of Fairness, my friends, where poisonous conservative opinions in the media are tempered with an equal portion of tasty liberal goodness.

For every minute Chickenhawk Hannity spends blubbering about how we should all "support the Troops", he will be required by the Rules of Fairness to spend an equal amount of time calling them babykillers and rapists. Every hour fatty pillpopper Rush devotes to attacking Hillary, he will be bound by law to spend another hour sweetly praising her, proudly endorsing her, and making nice comments about her hair.

The Fairness Doctrine would not be restricted to the realm of radio and TV media, either. For instance, high school commencement addresses that extolt the benefits of working hard and becoming financially independent must also encourage students to do lots of drugs, have lots of meaningless sex, and get Liberal Arts degrees. It's only fair.

To some, a Fairness Doctrine may seem like a vast government entity regulating the content of political speech is an infringement on our most basic civil liberties, but "Freedom of Speech" can only exist as long as the selfish pinhead masses are forced to listen to what progressives believe they need to hear, rather than what they want to hear.

Nifong was not alone

The disbarment of Durham District Attorney Michael Nifong should be just the first step in remedying the gross and cynical fraud of last year's "rape" case against Duke University lacrosse players.

Not only is Nifong still liable to civil lawsuits from the three young men whose lives he tried to ruin, and criminal prosecution for his obstruction of justice and making false statements to a judge, there are many other people who disgraced themselves in hyping a lynch mob atmosphere when this case first broke last year.

The New York Times, which splashed these Duke students' pictures on the front page, along with inflammatory charges against them, and went ballistic on its editorial page, carried the story of Nifong's disbarment for prosecuting them on page 16.

The 88 Duke University faculty members who took out a hysterical ad, supporting those local loudmouths who were denouncing and threatening the Duke students, have apparently had nothing at all to say now.

Not only did many Duke University professors join the lynch mob atmosphere, so did the Duke University administration, which got rid of the lacrosse coach and cancelled the team's season, without a speck of evidence that anybody was guilty of anything.

This is one of the few times when Jesse Jackson is speechless, even though he was loudly supporting the bogus "rape" charges last year.

A local civil rights activist even had the gall to accost the mother of one of the accused students at Nifong's disbarment hearings to say that she still believes they were guilty.

The sad and tragic fact is that the civil rights movement, despite its honorable and courageous past, has over the years degenerated into a demagogic hustle, promoting the mindless racism they once fought against.

Although the committee that disbarred Michael Nifong said many things that needed to be said, they muddied the waters by saying that Nifong may have deceived himself before he deceived others.

Nothing that District Attorney Nifong did suggests that he ever thought these players were guilty or that he ever intended to bring them to trial.

The photo lineup presented to the stripper was so completely different from standard procedure that it was virtually an invitation for a judge to throw out any identification resulting from it -- and without that identification, there was no case.

This was not about winning a case. It was about winning an election.

Nifong could not allow a standard lineup to be used to have the accuser identify her alleged attackers, or else her unreliability would have been exposed early on, depriving him of a case to use to get the black vote in his election.

There is not the slightest reason to believe that Nifong was deceived or mistaken. He was not some kid fresh out of law school. He had decades of experience as a prosecutor. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Nor was the New York Times a naive ingenue in these matters. It had backed Al Sharpton's fraudulent accusations of rape in the Tawana Brawley case, which had the same politically correct elements of a black woman accusing white men of rape.

Nor were the 88 Duke faculty members who promoted a lynch mob atmosphere naive. Most were from departments promoting the "race, class, and gender" vision of victimhood.

This case served their purposes. That trumped any question about whether the charges were true or not.

Don't expect any of these people to recant or apologize. But be aware of how wide and how deep the moral dry rot goes.

That such people are teaching students at an elite university is a chilling thought. That they promote a campus atmosphere where political correctness trumps the search for truth is painful.

That such attitudes and such atmospheres are not peculiar to Duke University, but are common on elite college campuses from coast to coast is a time bomb with the potential to destroy individuals and ultimately undermine the whole society.

SATIRE ALERT

That's Progress Damn It!!!

he general consensus among the Retardlican masses is that the term “progressive” is a misnomer, and that liberalism is actually the antithesis of "progress". There is, of course, a wealth of evidence to the contrary, and what better venue for such evidence than this blog?

Hey, I know! I’ll start a new category!

From the construction of sod houses to the abolition of functioning toilets, the That’s Progress! category will highlight articles and news events that demonstrate how progressives, and progressives alone, will lead our society towards a brighter, cleaner, Utopian America.

There was a great piece in the Seattle P.I. this week regarding barnyard animals, and for once it didn't have anything to do with people screwing them. It seems that the city is now using goats to clear away brush and undergrowth where before only humans wielding environmentally-unfriendly machinery were capable of the task. This is an excellent example of the wonderful things we progressives can come up with when there aren’t any conservatives around to take away our hallucinogenic mushrooms. Goats, you see, are the Green, carbon-neutral solution to smog-belching, gas-guzzling bulldozers or hazardous herbicides. Just one of these four-stomached fellows can clear a vacant lot of blackberries in record time, and without murdering a single homeless person. Ten goats can clear acres of land and save countless lives. Plus, the tots just love the critters. So, if you just happen to see a herd of goats stampeding down Pike Street in the middle of the afternoon, don’t be alarmed: That’s Progress!

Or is it? Every goat that Seattle rents takes a much-needed job away from ten city employees and fifteen undocumented workers. Moreover, these goats refuse to assimilate and don’t even try to learn Spanish. And what do you think it does to the undocumented workers’ self esteem to know that they’ve been replaced by livestock? Suddenly, things aren’t as Utopian as they once seemed. Seattle will unfortunately have to turn to the federal government for assistance with one of our brilliant ideas once again. But fully-funded emotional counseling and job training will go a long way towards helping undocumented workers compete with goats on a level playing field. Goats have kids to feed as well, so any displaced by undocumented workers returning to the work force should be allowed to remain on the welfare rolls until they can find suitable employment elsewhere – such as at the Department of Motor Vehicles or perhaps teaching at one of our local universities.

Funding such an ambitious endeavor will of course require not only the revocation of Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans, but a financial sacrifice on the part of the other 99 percent as well. Don’t think of it as a tax increase, but rather an investment in our future, one that will be paid back tenfold with the warm thanks and undying gratitude of goats and undocumented workers everywhere.

Democrat=Surrender Monkey

Democrats, with Harry Reid leading the pack, are telling President Bush that his troop surge in Iraq has failed. Now the language may be just a bit different, but what we really have here is leading Defeatocrats public stating that the U.S. is losing in Iraq. Once again we have our lovely Democrats bringing smiles to the faces of our enemies in Iran and Islamic terrorist goons worldwide.

I know that at this point you don't have to be reminded of this ... but Democrats are completely 100% invested in our losing in Iraq. Their chances of taking the White House in next year's election rest entirely on their ability to convince the American people that the Islamic fascists are winning. Every insurgent bomb is a victory for Democrats. Every new school, hospital or retail store that opens in an Iraqi neighborhood is bad news.

Never before has an American political party be so eager for the defeat of American troops in battle.

SATIRE ALERT

Hillary Unveils Inflatable Jesus at Campaign Stop

Senator and future President Hillary Rodham Clinton spoke candidly Monday about her belief in a Being perhaps more Divine than herself, and how this Being helped her find a way to package her husband’s Vast, Right-Wing Infidelity as a testament to her own strength and courage.

"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," Sen. Clinton told the crowd of devoutly progressive evangelicals at a Sojourners Call to Renewal forum, which she and two other presidential hopefuls had stumbled into purely by accident. "And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves. But since ya’ll brought it up...”

With a quick tug of the rosary given to the Senator by Mother Teresa at the Pope's funeral, a tall bearded figure sprang forth seemingly from her ass and gazed down upon the startled audience.

“I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without my Inflatable Jesus!” Hillary declared to enthusiastic applause.

“Nor I,” John Edwards agreed, giving his own Inflatable Jesus a chummy pat on the back. “I admit I strayed from my faith for a while, but when my teenage son was killed in a car accident outside the mill my father worked at, or when I was campaigning in the Bible Belt, Inflatable Jesus was there for me. Through thick or thin, I knew I could always pull my Inflatable Jesus out of my ass in times of trouble. ”

To woo the hordes of brainwashed Christofascist sheep into their flock, discerning Progressive Candidates turn to The Inflatable Jesus® by Hasbro. Inflatable Jesus is ideal for those who wish to affirm their religious beliefs without letting it interfere with their political agenda. The last thing anyone needs is the Son of God ruining their standing with NARAL, or scaring off the gay vote. But the Inflatable Jesus can be pulled out of your ass and inflated in an instant, then deflated and tucked away when his presence is no longer needed.

Inflatable Jesus comes in three colors: White, Black, and Obama.

Gimme a break---I'm really busy

Yes, As a Matter of Fact, I Am a Lazy Bastard

Thanks for noticing that.

I know, I know - no posts. Sorry, just busy with...stuff? Yeah, stuff. Not bad stuff - everything's fine, I just don't really have time to blog right now.

Wait, I guess that can't be true because I'm blogging right now. Anyway, you know how long stuff can take. OK, maybe you don't. If you do, fine, if not, just take my word for it.

I would put up one of those "I won't be posting very much for a while" posts, but I've had to go back on those before, so just know that it might be a while. Besides, my newest love interest might find time to post something, so I really have no freaking idea what's happening with this blog.

Not in a row!

Tell you what - you don't need to check back here, I'll just e-mail you if I post anything. No, scratch that - I'd have to send out twenty or thirty e-mails, and I'm too lazy for that - you know, the whole 'lazy bastard' thing.

You know what - just forget I said anything.