Can you say "Surrender Monkey"?

Just How Delusional Is Chuck Hagel, Anyway?

Every week I send a piece of Styrofoam to an underprivileged kid overseas.

Even a small piece of Styrofoam, like this one, will float, you know...

See that woman sitting behind General Petraeus? I think she has Styrofoam breasts...

Styrofoam breasts float, you know.

You wanna know what I would do? First, I'd get a piece of Styrofoam about yea wide and mount it in on a load-bearing wall, then I'd hot-glue some dryer lint to it...

Load-bearing walls with Styrofoam mounts float, you know, and the more dryer lint you hot-glue to the Styrofoam, the more better it floats.

Excuse me, Senator Kennedy, I'm missing a piece of Styrofoam about yea wide and was wondering if you've seen it...

No? OK...

Got any Bosco?

Anyone who compares Styrofoam to Vietnam doesn't know stink about Iraq, or Unga Bunga.

Hey, I've got just as good a shot of winning the Republican nomination for president in '08 as anyone else does.

Dear Al Qaeda:

We know that things in Iraq have been a bit tough for you lately. President Bush's determination to bring stability to Iraq through an increase in the number of troops has been showing results .. and even more troops are on the way. Because of the troop surge you have seen a decline in the number of American troops you and your Islamic fascist buddies have been able to kill. Because of the increased level of security in Baghdad the Iraqi people were starting to feel better about their future. You know this, even though the American people may not. You're close to the situation so you can readily see the changing conditions. The American people are insulated from this reality by a media apparatus that is more concerned with the destruction of President Bush than to the success of our efforts in Iraq.

All in all, it was getting to be a pretty depressing picture for you and your terrorist pals.

Well ... cheer up. Things are about to change. After a rather close vote in the U.S. Senate today you are one step closer to knowing an exact date upon which all U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Iraq. As we're sure your political analysts will tell you, setting a specific date for withdrawal. We're sure you realize that you cannot commit yourself to victory and to a date-specific withdrawal at the same time. You select one course of action, or the other.

Take heart, too, in the fact that other nations and regimes in the Middle East have now seen further evidence that the United States does not have the political will to commit itself to victory. Your tactic of waging a war of attrition against American troops has been validated. The American people, having heard a preponderance of negative news from their media, are calling for capitulation. They've become complacent after five years have passed since 9/11 with no terrorists attacks in our country. Oh, there have been some isolated incidents of mad Muslims shooting up shopping malls and mowing innocents down with their cars ... but nothing major to rekindle their determination. Was this your plan all along? Somehow we think that you are that clever ... and if that's the case, this element of your grand plan has also worked very well.

You now realize that you can advance your radical Islamist goals throughout the Middle East, and perhaps into Europe, without any fear of retaliation or interference from the United States. The will to fight is lost. The desire for victory has died. The American people have become fat, lazy and complacent. They no longer see either their freedom or their culture as something they are willing to fight for. It must be heady days indeed in your caves and tents. Hard to imagine, isn't it? Al Qaeda actually has more determination to see their cause through than the great United States of America! Perhaps that's because you're dedicated to the cause of the spread of Islam, while the American people have lost their dedication to the cause of liberty. Complacency will do that to you.

We do have one word of caution for you. You and your Islamic terrorist buddies have been the beneficiaries of the aftermath of the 2000 presidential election in the United States. That election, and the close vote in our State of Florida, created a sense of hatred and resentment in Democrats against our president such as has never been seen before in our history. From that moment on Democrats and liberals in the U.S. were steadfastly dedicated to the idea of the destruction of the Bush presidency. Oh, to be sure, there were a few weeks of solidarity following your attacks of 9/11, but it didn't last. When the panic subsided Democrats suddenly realized that any measure of success in the war against you might actually strengthen the Republican hold on power. It didn't take Democrats long to decide that their hatred of George Bush, and their desire to see his presidency destroyed, absolutely outweighed any concerns they had about protecting our people from another one of your vicious attacks. Democrats have convinced themselves that, once they have gained full control of our government, a few "we feel your pain" comments directed at your murdering Islamic followers will be all that is needed to put the Western world and the wonderful, peaceful, serene religion of Islam around a desert campfire singing rousing renditions of Kumbaya. You just need to be aware that there is a chance, though slight, that the Democrats might actually decide that our culture is worth fighting for ... if they can first rid our country of the Bush pestilence.

At any rate .. the Senate has now set a deadline. If the bill makes it to the president's desk he says he will veto it. Some feel, however, that when the president realizes that the legislation merely sets a date certain for our capitulation to you in Iraq, and doesn't open the doors to any additional stem cell research, he will decide that a veto is not warranted. So ... just sit tight. Save your energy. Catch your breath. Cool it. You may soon know the exact date that you one day commemorate as the date you chased the infidels out of Iraq. This could well be the date you will remember as the beginning of the final steps toward your 12th Caliphate and the cause of world domination under Islamic law.

You are small but determined to see your dreams of domination come true. America is strong but complacent and unwilling to fight for the cause of liberty. Time to ferment some goat's milk for a toast!

Yours truly

America the Timid.

"Obey Me, or Die" Gore Warns Congress

Environmental Prophet Al Gore warned a stunned Congress on Wednesday of the dire consequences should we puny humans refuse to obey him. Hurricanes. Tornadoes. Earthquakes. Plagues of locusts. Disoriented manatees. Cats and dogs living together. The deliberate and systematic destruction of all life on Arrakis. Terrifying, indeed – but just a taste of what’s in store for us all should we continue to blatantly defy Gore.

The time has come to cleanse ourselves of our capitalistic sins and save the earth from total obliteration, - but it won’t be easy, Gore assures us. Preserving the future for our children will involve tough choices and personal sacrifice. Most importantly it will require tax increases, wealth restribution, government control of production, and the abandonment of the free market system – by sheer coincidence, the exact same things liberal democrats have been calling for since before global warming was ever an issue. It would be sheer madness, then, for Repugs to continue to stand against such bold initiatives now that the scientific consensus is that we're all going to die unless we do exactly as Al Gore says.

So there's really no point in debating it any further.

When it comes to global warming, one of the most idiotic talking points in the right-wing's arsenal is if the ice caps are melting on Mars, Earth's warming trend couldn't possibly be caused by humans. As with anything cons say, the exact opposite is true. The bfacts is that the bizarre weather conditions seen on Mars and other planets are undeniable proof that the ecological destruction Bush has wrought on our own world is spreading like a virus to others in our solar system.

If Earth truly has a fever as the prophet Al Gore says, then Mars has a severe runny nose. Neptune has a persistent cough. Mercury has the clap - probably something it picked up from that slut, Venus. Jupiter has herpes. Saturn has ringworm. Pluto isn't considered a planet any more and is probably just feeling a little depressed. Uranus, of course, has cysts.

Al Gore has been deeply troubled about Uranus for some time, but he's never been able to put his finger on it. Frankly, there are some in Congress who would prefer he keep his nose out of Uranus completely. But if Uranus has cysts, you don't bicker over ointments. You take it to the doctor, and the first name that comes up in any discussion about Uranus is Al Gore. In fact, Al Gore quite possibly knows more about Uranus than your anus knows about Uranus or, for that matter, what Uranus knows about you. He's certainly more of an authority on Uranus than Rush Limbaugh, who weaseled out of the illegal and immoral war in Vietnam for reasons that I would rather not delve into.

So there's really no point in debating it.

THE LATEST NON-SCANDAL CONTINUES

Oh boy...now we're reading that Karl Rove may have had a hand in the firings of the U.S. Attorneys. Hmm...since he's the president's political consultant and since those attorneys are political appointees....what's the big deal? The media sure is worked up over this. Funny how there wasn't the same outrage when Bill Clinton canned all of his U.S. Attorneys. But, as you know, there is a different standard between Republican and Democratic presidents. It's called media bias.

There is absolutely nothing to this story. U.S. Attorneys are political appointees...they serve at the pleasure of the president. Why they were fired, how they were fired, who fired them...what they were fired for.. none of it matters. Just like cabinet secretaries, the president can fire them all whenever he wants. There is no explanation needed. There is no controversy here. This is all just an invented scandal by the media and the left.

And some spineless "Republicans" are actually going along with it. Calling on the Attorney General to resign? What for? Doing his job? There are already some media outlets comparing this non-scandal to Watergate. How? In what way? When you serve at the pleasure of the president, you can be fired at anytime for any reason. There is real story here. The president exercised his prerogative ... and some U.S. Attorneys were fired. The Dems know, however, that they can make this into a major scandal because they have a media establishment that is not only willing, but positively eager to help them out.

VALERIE PLAME TO TESTIFY TODAY

Valerie Plame is going to testify in front of Congress today. Why? Because Democrats want to embarrass the administration some more. Since nobody was charged with leaking her name, there is no possible reason for her to testify. But Democrats control the Congress and it's time to pile on...so here we go. By getting Plame 007 to testify they get the media spotlight to continue their efforts to discredit the Bush Administration. We can't wonder what questions they'll be asking Mrs. Wilson?

I wonder if they'll ask her why nobody has been charged with leaking her name? Wasn't it because her name wasn't such a secret at all? Will they ask her why she really wasn't a covert operative, but instead was pushing pencils at Langley? Will they ask her why she posed for a photo spread in Vanity Fair? After all, wasn't she so concerned about her identity being exposed?

Will they ask her why her husband lied about his trip to Niger? Maybe not...but then again, there will be some Republicans on the committee. Let's see if they can actually make some noise. Because if they don't, Democrats and the media are going to get away with portraying Plame as a victim...something she's not.

POOR, POOR KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED

The media is now downplaying the claims of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed...saying he may be exaggerating his testimony. Of course, this is being done to try and minimize the threat of Islamic terrorism. As if being responsible for 9/11 weren't enough. Democrats, who are in denial about the terrorist threat, are seeking to minimize any success the Bush Administration may be having with fighting the war on terror. And naturally the media is along for the ride.

You know what the implication is here. We obviously tortured him, right? He's just telling us what we want to hear....lying about his conquests. One man couldn't possibly be responsible for all of that. Funny how every time we capture or kill an Al-Qaeda bigwig, Democrats downplay it as just one person. But in the same breath, they turn around and mock the Bush Administration for not capturing or killing Osama Bin Laden yet. Wait a minute...I thought he was just one man?

So now we get to watch the media and liberals stir up sympathy for an Islamic terrorist. Rosie O'Donnell defended poor Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on 'The View.' That's not far off the mark when it comes to the latest Democratic response.

Bobi works her computer and gets messages

THE SURGE IS WORKING IN IRAQ

Here's some good news: the troop surge in Iraq is working. The killing of U.S. soldiers is way down. You would think Democrats would be happy about this development, but you would be wrong. They have been invested in American defeat in Iraq for quite some time. It doesn't matter how well things are going...we must surrender.

Not only is the killing of our troops way down, so are the deaths of civilians. Since the new operation began 30 days ago, civilian deaths in Iraq are down from 1,440 to 265. That's a huge drop. Murders and executions are off by 50%. Car bombs have decreased as well. And this is without the full 21,500 troop surge in place. Think how well things will be going once we're firing on all cylinders over there.

But don't expect to hear about this from the mainstream media. The press doesn't particularly like to report good news from Iraq. In an effort to elect Hillary Clinton president of the United States, the media will continue to report that the war in Iraq is a failure and that we should surrender immediately. They have bought the lie that the war can't be won...and are intent on convincing the American public of the same.

Maybe somebody could stick a microphone in Nancy Pelosi's face and ask her what she thinks of our new successes in Iraq.

9/11 MASTERMIND CONFESSES TO IT ALL

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (a/k/a Ron Jeremy??) has admitted to the 9/11 attacks and a big bunch of other stuff at a military hearing down at Gitmo over the weekend. Perhaps now Democrats and the media will shut up about Guantanamo Bay and the War On Terror not being justified. Or not....the America-haters will say he was coerced. Cheney probably tortured him. So just what has Mohammed confessed to? Well, the list is long...but he did it all.

Aside from being guilty of bedhead and wearing a T-shirt 3 sizes too small, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has copped to the following:

• He confessed to 29 planned Al-Qaeda attacks, including 9/11. Says Mohammed: "I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z."
  
  
• He confessed to beheading Daniel Pearl...the Wall Street Journal reporter whose head was severed on TV and posted on the Internet.
  
  
• A number of other plots over the years including the 1993 World Trade Center attack, the attempted shoe bombing of a commercial jetliner by Richard Reid, the Bali nightclub bombing in 2002 and so on.

He also confessed to a number of plots that weren't carried out. They included assassinating Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, attacks on the Sears Tower, the Panama Canal and the Empire State Building. Attacks on oil tankers and nuclear plants were also on his list. Oh..and he also says he was tortured by the CIA. I know we're all very sorry that happened..

So there you have it...everything Al-Qaeda was going to do, laid out in the open. Think there's no Islamic terrorist threat? Think again. The good news is now that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has told us everything we want to know, we can take him out back and shoot him.

OK .. I'll admit it. This weird beard may have some delusions of grandeur ... and he may just be on a confession binge. So, how long before Ramsey Clark comes knocking to be his defense attorney?

GLOBAL COOLING IS BACK

More troubling facts for the global warming movement. The government has released temperature data for February. Do the statistics show the Earth continues to warm at a troubling rate? Is certain doom accelerating in the environment, ready to melt the polar ice caps and cause California to fall into the ocean? Will winter soon be relegated to the ash heap of history, with the entire world enveloped in a global warming-induced massive temperature hike? Uh..no.

As a matter of fact, according to the National Environmental Satellite, Data and Information Service, the average temperature in the month of February fell almost 2 degrees. What, you say? Is this over last year? The last 5 years? Compared to the last 10 or 20? Nope. When compared with the average over the 100-year period between 1901 and 2000. In fact, we've just experienced the 34th coldest February in the last 113 years.

This is a long-standing problem with the global warming hype. The facts and figures don't line up with the hysteria. Just as there may be data that shows the Earth is warming, there is plenty of information to the contrary. But anything that doesn't square with the environmental extremists is ignored and not reported. And that's why global warming has nothing to do with the environment and everything to do with politics.

Jesus wants you to Vote for John Edwards

Sen. John Edwards (who is NOT gay) took time out from fussing with his hair to denounce our self-obsessed, consumerist society.

"I think that Jesus would be disappointed in our ignoring the plight of those around us who are suffering and our focus on our own selfish short-term needs," said Edwards. "I think He would be appalled, actually."

Jesus spent the day relaxing in the jacuzzi at Edwards' palacial North Carolina estate and was unavailable for comment. But in a statement issued through Edwards' campaign manager, the Son of God called on Americans to put aside their petty hangups about confiscatory taxation and get behind John Edwards for President.

"And what a cute little behind he has!" sayeth the Lord. "Ladies, ya'll know what I'm talkin' about!"

Jesus also put His stamp of approval on same-sex marriage, federally funded abortion-on-demand, and a couple of extra tennis courts at the Edwards Compound.

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Interested in Jesus? You can Read More About It® at johnedwards.com!