Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Satiric Musings of recent events.

Spare the Rod, Save the Child

California has always been light years ahead of the rest of the nation in the way of progressive reforms. Their bold new answer to the barbaric practice of spanking children is no exception.

State assemblywomyn Sally Lieber will introduce legislation this week to make spanking your child a crime punishable by a $1000 fine and up to one year in prison. However, stabbing a surgical vaccum into your baby's skull and sucking its brains out will remain one hundred percent legal, as guaranteed by the Constitution.

"I think it's pretty hard to argue you need to beat a child," says Lieber. "Is it OK to whip a 1-year-old or a 6-month-old or a newborn?"

Of course not. Putting aside for a moment the severe physical trauma a grown adult’s open hand can inflict on a little baby’s backside, a child who is spanked can also develop serious psychological disorders, such as self-discipline and respect for authority. As studies have further shown, parents who were disciplined as children are 78% more likely to discipline their own kids. It’s an endless cycle of abuse that no one has had the courage to fight until now.

Instead of spanking, Lieber encourages parents to reason with their toddlers, forming a relationship based on positive reinforcement and a mutal understanding of each other’s roles within the family heirarchy.

A request for an interview with Lieber was denied, as she is busy bailing her teenagers out of jail

Hillary to America: "Tell Me What My Platform Is!"

Clinton kicked off her much anticipated run for the White House this weekend by inviting all Americans to tell her what her platform is.

As opposed to Republican politicians who actually run on a platform, then devote themselves to turning that platform into policy without any regards to the wishes of people who didn’t vote for the stupid chimp, Hillary promises to make herself completely open to your needs and desires.

“I'm not just starting a campaign,” she chirped in a video announcement of her candidacy, “I'm beginning a conversation with you, with America!”

In the following weeks, Hillary will hold a series of live teleconferences in which carefully selected supporters will be encouraged to express how much their lives have been destroyed George Bush. The Senator will listen intently from her Washington office while perched atop a comfy “Pillow of Intimacy”, next to a crackling fireplace, occasionally nodding in sincere concern for your suffering, yet never judging. It's the kind of Thatcheresque maternal nurturing that America has been yearning for, and the kind it needs especially in a time of war.

Unfortunately Hillary’s busy schedule prevents her from meeting with each and every American. Next month, she plans to tour Europe and the Middle East, where she will invite the International Community to “Tell Me What My Foreign Policy Is!” In the mean time, she asks that we express our needs, wishes, and desires through our representative labor unions, special interest groups, and through the op-ed pages of the New York Times.

“I’m all ears, and I’m a good listener. So lets talk, lets chat!”

Barack Obama, America's Second Black President!

Having officially announced the formation of an exploratory committee to consider the possibility of perhaps maybe making a run for the White House, Barack Obama is poised to become the nation’s second Black President. Not if the RepugniKKKans can help it though. Like the vile bigots they are, they’re already making plans to run someone against him, someone who will probably be white- or not Black enough, and someone who will be sure to get millions of votes. It seems that White America isn't as colorblind as it would like to believe.

Yes, Obama will certainly face the same obstacles of institutionalized racism and bigotry along the campaign trail that our first Black President did. Unfortunately, Bill Clinton will be too busy making plans to become our first Black First Lady to offer Obama any words of advice.

That’s no way to treat a brutha, and as much as I adore Bill Clinton I’m beginning to suspect that he’s a house negro.