The Shrew wants to "Extricate"

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton called today for President Bush to 'extricate our country' from Iraq by the time he leaves office in 2009," the New York Times reports from Davenport, Iowa, where Mrs. Clinton was campaigning for president:

Mrs. Clinton . . . took issue with President Bush's recent statements that he did not expect to have the troops out of Iraq by the time he leaves office.

"I think it's the height of irresponsibility and I really resent it--this was his decision to go to war, he went with an ill-conceived plan, an incompetently executed strategy, and we should expect him to extricate our country from this before he leaves office," the senator said this morning.

Let us think this through, shall we? If withdrawing from Iraq is in America's interests, why doesn't Mrs. Clinton--who by the way voted for the war--simply urge President Bush to do so on that ground, or promise to do so herself if elected?

Her demand for withdrawal by Jan. 20, 2009, has a logic to it, though, if she believes it isn't in America's interests. Even the Iraq Study Group acknowledged that premature U.S. withdrawal carries with it "the potential for catastrophe." If Bush withdraws and catastrophe ensues, then President Clinton 44 will not bear any of the blame for it.

If Bush stands firm, the continued presence of U.S. troops in Iraq would present Clinton 44 with a choice between continuing an unpopular war or doing the politically expedient thing and withdrawing: between doing what is right and doing what is popular. If she does what is popular and catastrophe results, the public, fickle beast that it is, would blame her.

I really resent it, she says. "Height of irresponsibility" indeed.

Satiric Musings of recent events.

Spare the Rod, Save the Child

California has always been light years ahead of the rest of the nation in the way of progressive reforms. Their bold new answer to the barbaric practice of spanking children is no exception.

State assemblywomyn Sally Lieber will introduce legislation this week to make spanking your child a crime punishable by a $1000 fine and up to one year in prison. However, stabbing a surgical vaccum into your baby's skull and sucking its brains out will remain one hundred percent legal, as guaranteed by the Constitution.

"I think it's pretty hard to argue you need to beat a child," says Lieber. "Is it OK to whip a 1-year-old or a 6-month-old or a newborn?"

Of course not. Putting aside for a moment the severe physical trauma a grown adult’s open hand can inflict on a little baby’s backside, a child who is spanked can also develop serious psychological disorders, such as self-discipline and respect for authority. As studies have further shown, parents who were disciplined as children are 78% more likely to discipline their own kids. It’s an endless cycle of abuse that no one has had the courage to fight until now.

Instead of spanking, Lieber encourages parents to reason with their toddlers, forming a relationship based on positive reinforcement and a mutal understanding of each other’s roles within the family heirarchy.

A request for an interview with Lieber was denied, as she is busy bailing her teenagers out of jail


Hillary to America: "Tell Me What My Platform Is!"

Clinton kicked off her much anticipated run for the White House this weekend by inviting all Americans to tell her what her platform is.

As opposed to Republican politicians who actually run on a platform, then devote themselves to turning that platform into policy without any regards to the wishes of people who didn’t vote for the stupid chimp, Hillary promises to make herself completely open to your needs and desires.

“I'm not just starting a campaign,” she chirped in a video announcement of her candidacy, “I'm beginning a conversation with you, with America!”

In the following weeks, Hillary will hold a series of live teleconferences in which carefully selected supporters will be encouraged to express how much their lives have been destroyed George Bush. The Senator will listen intently from her Washington office while perched atop a comfy “Pillow of Intimacy”, next to a crackling fireplace, occasionally nodding in sincere concern for your suffering, yet never judging. It's the kind of Thatcheresque maternal nurturing that America has been yearning for, and the kind it needs especially in a time of war.

Unfortunately Hillary’s busy schedule prevents her from meeting with each and every American. Next month, she plans to tour Europe and the Middle East, where she will invite the International Community to “Tell Me What My Foreign Policy Is!” In the mean time, she asks that we express our needs, wishes, and desires through our representative labor unions, special interest groups, and through the op-ed pages of the New York Times.

“I’m all ears, and I’m a good listener. So lets talk, lets chat!”


Barack Obama, America's Second Black President!

Having officially announced the formation of an exploratory committee to consider the possibility of perhaps maybe making a run for the White House, Barack Obama is poised to become the nation’s second Black President. Not if the RepugniKKKans can help it though. Like the vile bigots they are, they’re already making plans to run someone against him, someone who will probably be white- or not Black enough, and someone who will be sure to get millions of votes. It seems that White America isn't as colorblind as it would like to believe.

Yes, Obama will certainly face the same obstacles of institutionalized racism and bigotry along the campaign trail that our first Black President did. Unfortunately, Bill Clinton will be too busy making plans to become our first Black First Lady to offer Obama any words of advice.

That’s no way to treat a brutha, and as much as I adore Bill Clinton I’m beginning to suspect that he’s a house negro.

What do you do when you're a washed up Watergate pantload?

Daniel Schorr’s Enormous Ass

is hanging out. In an article entitled, Backsliding on Ford’s ban on assassination in the Christian Science Monitor, the Ancient Mariner Schorr discusses how Ford signed an executive order banning “political assassinations.” According to Schorr:

Since then, an executive order signed by Ford has banned US government employees from engaging in, or conspiring to engage in, political assassination. But after 9/11, President Bush issued a “finding” which makes exceptions from the murder ban for known terrorist leaders if capture is impractical.

That makes Ford’s executive order 11905, the ban on political assassinations, which was updated by subsequent presidents, not very operative any more.

You know what’s not very operative anymore, Mr. Schorr? Your dendrites. We are at war. Known terrorist leaders who cannot be captured are not, for the most part, agents of recognized governments. It certainly stretches the definition of assassination beyond all recognition to claim that the killing of enemy combatants is equivalent. Are you suggesting that we kill the foot soldiers and spare the higher-ups?

Admiral Yamamoto was shot down during WWII, and killed. Was that a political assassination? Are you the same guy who makes a point of stating, whenever he can, that we still haven’t gotten bin Laden?

You are such a decerebrate fuckhead that it’s impossible even to put into words how deeply I scorn this piece of crap agitprop cross-dressed as political-historical analysis. You suck, old man.

Sorry, lost my cool.

Daniel Schorr is senile news analyst at National Public Radio

Renewal for a day

It's a Mr. Stick Figure New Year

Happy new year, JD.

Happy new year, Mr. Stick Figure. So, any plans for tonight?

Yeah I'm going to head downtown, hit a couple of parties, dance my ass off and drink my self into a stupor. Of course, I'm taking a cab - don't want to drive drunk.

Really? That sounds like a lot of...

Of course not, you idiot - I'm a stick figure!

Oh. Sorry, I didn't...

When was the last time you saw a stick figure at a party?

I don't know, I just...

And how am I supposed to drink? I don't have a digestive system.

Hey, I was just making conversation, no need to get nasty.

You're right - sorry. It's just that my girl friend has really been on my ass lately, so I'm a little tense, that's all.

You Date? But, you're a stick figure.

Hey, I'm not dead. Well---maybe I am a little for the time being. Anyway, happy new year, JD.

Happy new year, StickMeister.