ABC Fascists Rethink Partisan Attack
Democrat leaders are furious over an upcoming ABC dramatization of the 9/11 tragedy that unfairly portrays President Clinton as too distracted by Monica Lewinsky to pursue Osama Bin Laden. It's clearly a partisan attack, intended to divide Americans at a time they should all be uniting behind Democrats. As President, Bill Clinton was perfectly capable of both defending this nation from terrorists AND ejaculating all over the hired help. That's what true leadership is all about. Madeline Albright and others who worked with The Man from Hope insist that given the opportunity, a court-issued warrant, permission from the International Community, a green-light from the ACLU, and a thumbs-up from the public opinion polls, there's nothing that would have stopped him from going after Osama Bin Laden. They are demanding that ABC scrap the miniseries entirely, for while installing porn filters on library computers will lead us down the path to totalitarianism, censorship to protect Bill Clinton's legacy from right-wing smearmongers is essential for a healthy democracy.
In the spirit of national unity, ABC has agreed to remove any footage that makes Clinton or members of his cabinet look like ineffectual boobs. The new, more historically accurate movie will be five minutes long with 6 hours of commercials. In the drama's only scene, a senile, doddering Ronald Reagan is discouraged from capturing Osama Bin Laden by a domineering Nancy Reagan who, on the advice of her astrologer, instructs him instead to lay flowers on Hitler's grave and then beat up some queers for Jesus.
Democrat leaders concede that while the revised film takes some liberties with the facts, it captures perfectly the essence of the Reagan presidency and should air in its entirety. They furthermore encourage anyone wishing to learn what REALLY went on in the Clinton White House to urge their local libraries remove the porn filters from their computers so they can Read More About It.