Digital Brownshirt: 2006

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Bobi--have you seen my draydle?

"Rectal Explosives" Delay French Flights

Flights out of Paris's Charles de Gaulle Airport were held up for over six hours yesterday after a routine security check reveled a cache of explosive materials concealed in an American tourist's anal cavity.

Gary Felchworth of Provincetown, Massachusetts, had already passed through the security checkpoint when an alert guard noticed a suspicious looking wedgie as he walked away.

"There was something not quite right about the man but I couldn't put my finger on it at first," said Pierre LeMieux. "When he walked away I noticed that his gait was a bit off and then I looked down. His was no naturally occurring wedgie."

LeMieux immediately called for back-up and the explosives were discovered shortly after a more thorough, though somewhat less comfortable, search.

For his part, Felchworth maintains he is innocent and that the explosives were intended for "personal use."

"I really don't know what the fuss is about," said a visibly shaken Felchworth. "We do this all the time in Massachusetts. We even have a name for it; 'The Cape Cod Colon Scrambler.' I'd expect this sort of treatment in Texas or Oklahoma, but I thought that the French were supposed to be a lot more progressive than this."

A Friend Remembers Saddam Hussein

Dear Saddam,

What can I say? You have always been like a big brother to me. I have so many fond memories that I don't know where to start.

Remember that time in homeroom when you killed the substitute teacher because she mispronounced your name? That was sweet.

Or how about the time at the cake walk when you raped the entire PTA at knife-point? Classic.

Then there was the time that we played Jerusalem High in the sectional soccer playoffs. I still remember the look on their goalie's face when he went to make a diving save and then suddenly realized that it was not a ball, but rather a rocket propelled grenade you had launched from the stands. Priceless.

Hey, what about the road trip we made to France in 10th grade when Chirac's parents were away? Man. We drank all of his champagne, trashed his house, and gang-raped his sister but he kept talking about "you are my very good friends". What an asshat.

Anyways, hope to see you over the summer. Oh wait, you're dead. Well then, stay cool. Hmm. No good either. How about, try not to get brutally sodomized with a pitchfork for eternity while submerged in a sweltering, rancid pool of lava and pig entrails.

Your friend,

Jalani

Oh Yea---that's the ticket.

Like the Second Coming of Kerry

Because everyone deserves a pony*

Extra--Extra--

Exclusive: Saddam Hussein's Last Will and Testament

No kiddin':

As the hour of his death approached, Saddam received two of his half brothers in his cell on Thursday and was said to have given them his personal belongings and a copy of his will.

We managed to get a copy of the will:

I, Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majidida al-Tikriti, being of sound ~~mind and~~ body, declare this to be my Will, and I revoke any and all wills and codicils I previously made, especially that one where I really went off on my kids for denting the gold-plated bumper of one of my cars.

I hereby leave the following personal property to my brother Ernest (I know, I know):

~~One bag of Doritos~~.

Two pairs of Fruit of the Loom "tighty whities" (please excuse the Doritos stains).

~~One half-bag of Doritos~~.

Two white dress shirts, one with Doritos stains on the collar (OK, both have Doritos stains on the collar, but one is a lot worse than the other).

~~One quarter-bag of Doritos~~.

One dark grey sport coat, with slight Doritos stain inside the breast pocket. Some stains on the lapels, too. Maybe a little bit of staining on the right sleeve. And the left sleeve.

One pair of "Mr. Magoo" style glasses with orange smudges on the lenses.

One empty Doritos bag.

SPECIAL EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!! (Satire Alert-saw Lewis Black last night)

Saddam Hussein: Just Another Innocent Iraqi Murdered by Bush

History will remember him as a brutal dictator and a mass murderer responsible for countless crimes against humanity. Yet he spent last night kicking back on his Crawford ranch while an innocent man was led to the gallows.

Don’t get me wrong, Saddam was a bad guy, but* his gassing of an entire Kurdish village was no different than U.S. troops killing innocent cilivians on the field of battle. Saddam’s inhuman practice of torturing his own people isn’t any worse than Lyndie England making pig piles out of naked Iraqis on Bush’s orders. According to the sacred laws of Moral Equivilency written in cuniform by ancient Druidic Sissies and passed down through the generations to modern day progressives, Saddam and Bush are exactly the same right down to the identical skid marks on their underoos.

No one can argue that Saddam deserved to be punished for giving Bush an excuse to expand U.S. hegemony. But just as Rev. Merle Haggard’s gay sex romps cleansed all homosexuals of their sins, Bush’s hypocrisy has exonerated Hussein of any guilt for the crimes he committed. By all rights, Saddam should have been freed the moment they pulled him out of that spider hole. Instead, he was forced through a long circus trial and then executed in the dead of night before any Hollywood celebrities could appeal for his release.

So the flags will fly at half-mast Tuesday not for the passing of an American president, but for the death of justice and the tragic loss of a potential University of Colorado professor.