Saturday, August 06, 2005


Al-Zawahiri, Right on Cue

When Dan Rather uncovered shocking evidence that Bush went AWOL from the Texas Air National Guard for the entire Vietnam War, "Osama Bin Laden" made a diversionary video appearance that dominated the news for weeks and captured six Golden Globes for Best Documentary. When polls showed John Kerry surging ahead of Bush among heroin addicts, circus freaks, and New York Times Op-Ed columnists, out came another one of the Shrub's Osama lookalikes to scare the crap out of the American sheeple just ahead of the November elections. So when "bizarre weather" forced down a commercial aircraft full of French citizens at a Toronto airport, it was a safe bet that another turbaned stooge would conveniently surface to let Bush off the hook.

Thankfully, all 297 passengers aboard the Air France jet survived, and were found in a nearby field attempting to surrender to a flock of Canadian geese. But with Charles Nelson Reilly making phony terrorist threats in an equally phony beard, everyone quickly forgot about the mysterious storm that brought down an airplane full of rabid Bush-Haters on the same day the Shrub was to begin the longest presidential vacation in American history.

Nine out of ten dentists agree that severe weather is the direct result of Bush's refusal to give the UN regulatory powers over American industries. The French, who used only 30 gallons of water last year nationwide, would be more than happy to help us adopt a more European model of conservation, recycling, and sucking-up to mustachioed dictators. But Bush has chosen to ignore the sage advice of our eco-friendly friends. Now, our children must face a bleak future where their Rice Krispies are saturated with arsenic, the air is unbreathable even in the cold vacuum of space, and Tony Award-winning actors are little more than paid stooges for Halliburton, Inc.