Sunday, March 13, 2005

Ann Coulter is a Middle-Aged Infidel

The Eva Braun of the conservative right has done it again. In an unbelievable display of insensitivity, syndicated Bush shill Ann Coulter referred to 109 year-old Lebanese immigrant Helen Thomas as an "old Arab", without at least prefacing her slur with the adjective "venerable".

"Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the president," Coulter venomously scribbled in her February 23 column.

The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee (AAAC), an Arab civil rights organization devoted to scanning newspapers for things to be offended by, condemned Coulter's remarks and called on Universal Press Syndicate to beat her senseless in accordance with the Holy Quran.

"Her insensitive and stereotypical words concerning the Arab peoples must not be tolerated" said the group's chairman, Muhammed Achmed Achmed Muhammed Muhammed Achmed Muhammed. "'Old Arab?' How would she like it if we referred to her as a 'Middle-Aged Infidel'? 'Look! Here comes that Middle-Aged Infidel! I'm surprised they let that Middle-Aged Infidel in here! Everybody laugh at the Middle-Aged Infidel! HA HA HA!"

Coulter is no stranger to controversy. Only two short days after the horrific events of 9/11, when many Arab-Americans were still reeling from the loss of twelve of their people aboard those doomed flights, she sadistically poured salt on their wounds by suggesting that we should "invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity". So it was no surprise that 500,000 outraged Lebanese citizens took to the streets of Beirut yesterday to protest Coulter's bigoted remarks concerning the venerable old Arab. In addition, 26 Congressional democrats signed a resolution declaring March 9 "Ann Coulter is a Lying Whore with Cottage Cheese Thighs Day", including Senator Robert Byrd who blasted her as being "just another one of them white niggers".

While Faux News has been typically silent concerning their little rottweiler's naziesque nastiness, the mainstream media was righteously miffed over Coulter's insensitivity. DemsTV took a brief time out from microwaving Ann Coulter dolls to lash out at the conservative pundit for her immature, tasteless attacks. After being briefly overcome with the vapors, blogging sensation Oliver Willis also condemned the "vile, disgusting, filthy festering sore on the grace of humanity" for her insensitive hatespeech, and threatened to "scratch her eyes out" should she ever "show her cottage cheese thighs around Silver Spring".

Widely hailed as the "Great Dane of Journalism", Helen Thomas has been a fixture in the White House press corps ever since she completely calcified sometime during the Johnson administration. Proud of her Lebanese heritage, she kept her Arabic name when many others in her profession anglicized theirs. However, she chose to take the high ground and refused to comment on Coulter's insensitive remarks. Instead, she had strong words for the Bush administration, which has done much to create a vitriolic political climate where ad hominem attacks have taken the place of polite discourse.

"Condoleeza Rice is a monster...a monster and a goddam liar" the esteemed, unbiased journalist told the nice orderlies. "George Bush a goddam fascist who eats little Iraqi children."

Ann Coulter is not a tenured university professor who hates America, and therefore isn't protected by our first amendment right to free speech. If the little Eichmanns of the right were real men, they'd tell that Middle-Aged Infidel to take her ratty hair, her cottage cheese thighs, and her divisive rhetoric back to Dumbfukistan where she belongs.

Correction: The chairman of The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee was incorrectly identified as Muhammed Achmed Achmed Muhammed Muhammed Achmed Muhammed. The actual chairman is Achmed Muhammed Muhammed Achmed Muhammed Achmed. Muhammed Achmed Achmed Muhammed Muhammed Achmed Muhammed is the assistant vice-chairman. I apologize for any confusion.

Correction: I inaccurately stated that "beating" was the punishment for disobedient women according to the Quran. Chapter 4:34 of the Holy Quran actually specifies "scourging", followed by a "beating" only if she's still got some sass left in her. Again, my apologies.